Why do some people have everything and some have nothing? I’ve never quite understood that. Nine times out of ten, those who have everything never give to those who have nothing. It’s kinda funny actually. I’m one of the few who came from nothing, and I do mean nothing. Gone from sleeping in a car to penthouse suites in the best hotels in New York and L.A. Only the best.
Before I forget, let me introduce myself. Chris Kirkpatrick - international pop star. Well, I used to be anyway. My last gig was in a band (I played guitar and sing). Now I'm just a soon to be husband and father. I don't need international fame anymore, I have more than enough love at home. I only work when I want to, having invested my fortune. Not as dumb as everyone thought huh?
I just want everyone to know that it’s not easy being in a boyband when you’re in your mid-twenties. It’s even harder when you’re in your thirties. I never was the most popular. I never tried to be. Let someone who can live up to the hype. I was the ‘funny’ one. I didn’t mind, well, at least I wasn’t Lance. I may have had fucked up hair, but at least I could dance. When it all began, I have to admit, I did not like Lance. He was a preachy little southern boy. God he got on my nerves. Joey was great. He was funny and liked to party. At the start, Joey was my drinking buddy - still is as a matter of fact. It just happens less often. Justin wanted to please everyone so bad, and by everyone I mean his mother and JC. That boy would walk across broken glass to do something that JC told him to do. He was a good kid though. He wasn’t a prude like Lance so we could have a blast with him. I will proudly say that me and Joey snuck him out this one time in Amsterdam. Virgin my ass. I KNOW better and so does a hooker named Olga. He was asking sex questions so me and Joey figured that would be the easiest way for him to learn. (JC would start stuttering and turn a painful shade of red when Justin asked him about sex, hell or brought up sex in any way.) Justin had a shit eating grin on his face for 2 weeks after that. It was priceless. I think that JC was a tad bit upset with us, but he got over it.
I left JC last in my memories for a reason. Later it was a well known fact that me and Justin were tight and Joey and Lance were the same way. It was JC that was out of the loop. He hated (and still does) golf. He never was too big on the wild kingdom that Lance and Joey kept either. So he kept to himself. I think that JC understood me better than anyone. He was the only one besides me who had tasted the utter disappointment of life. He knew it wasn’t all sunshine and lollipops. I loved him for that. Just because shit wasn’t perfect and he knew it. When I first met JC I was skeptical - until I heard him sing. I will never figure out how that big voice came out of that small body.
Well, everything was going great until that fat bastard started withholding money. God, I felt so responsible, like it was my fault. I know that it wasn’t, but still. It was my fault that we had anything to do with him in the first place. When the lawsuit was over we were glad to be rid of him, especially JC. While we were in Germany breaking our backs for the fucker, he was always riding JC’s ass. It was generally over stupid shit. JC never told us what Lou said to him, but sometimes he’d come back into the rehearsal studio with his eyes red and his cheeks tear-stained. No one ever said anything to JC about it, we thought is was best to let him work it out. We didn’t want to embarrass him. I really regret not asking Josh about it now.
When we got back to the US it was horrible. Everyone knew who we were in Europe. Back here. . . nothing. Me, JC, and Justin moved in together, along with Justin’s mom of course. It was great for a while, but then I met a girl. When me and Danielle started dating I was thinking,‘this will be fun for a while’. She bowled me over. I mean, here I am this little elf looking fucker and Dani was tall, blonde and beautiful. She thought I was funny and cute too. She liked sports and video games. She even liked to play them, and we did a lot. My dream woman.
Dani held my hand through the lawsuit with Lou. She was there when I started the clothing company. She ran the company for me and I didn’t have to worry about anything while I was on tour. It was wonderful. I eventually bought a house and she moved in with me. It was heaven. No Strings Attached was selling like crazy and we were rich. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have to worry about money. I could burn it if I wanted to. I had never been happier.
Like it always does, it came to an end. Dani finally got sick of my plethora of shit and broke up with me. Part of the problem was the she wanted to get married. Now me, I’m not the marrying kind. Not after what my mother went through. Anyway, Dani said that we could still be friends. I wanted to die, but I brushed it off with a joke and she continued to run the company. Then right before the ‘strings’ tour ended, the company folded. Basically, I just decided to bow out gracefully. It upset me sure, but the thing that upset me worse was that Dani would be moving on. Greener pastures and all that bullshit. I didn’t have an excuse to talk to her anymore. I learned a long time ago that happiness comes with a price. You can be happy for so long before it ends. Then you’re twice as miserable as you were before. Life blows.
Anyway, about this time we were writing for the new album and Joey and Lance were filming the movie. We all took a small break to fly out for the cameos. I know that me and Justin had a blast doing our part as gay stylists. JC’s part got cut but he said that it didn’t bother him. One thing about JC - he can’t lie for shit. He was hurt. Mainly because Lance had a say in what stayed and what went and JC still got cut anyway.
Around this time JC started to get really weird. Withdrawn. We all wanted to know what was going on, but we were scared to ask. So we didn’t. We finally went into the studio for Celebrity and began to really get down to recording. Justin had been writing with Wade Robson, our choreographer. That really set JC off, you could tell by the way he would sit and glare at both of them for hours. Anyone else I would say that they were jealous, and he was, but not in the way you’d think. He had no romantic feelings for either of them, but he felt Justin had betrayed him. You have to give JC credit, he never said a word.
When it came to song selection JC got shafted again and he knew it. He left the studio after being told he wasn’t good enough, with tears running down his face. The rest of us acted like we didn’t notice. After that we hardly heard from Jayce. He came to the group meetings, said little and then left. He went back to where ever he went and did what ever he did. Now, I admit that I really love JC, but I haven’t always been the nicest to him. I mean we all made fun of him for stupid shit, like the rambling or the ‘artist’s moods’, he was and still is a very close friend. I didn’t want him hurting. I was really worried about him.
Let me explain what brought all the worry on. We had a meeting about Pop Odyssey, tour dates, song order, that kind of shit, and of course Josh was there. He looked like shit. He had lost weight ( not that he needed it), and hadn’t shaved in days. He was rocking a full beard. Anyway, Johnny wanted to talk to him after the meeting was over. The rest of us had wandered out of the room. It wasn’t long before we heard shouting and then saw JC fling the door open and literally run from the room.
Johnny had told us what he said. JC and Bobbie had broken up, and while it wasn’t that big of a deal to me, I really didn’t like the girl, it hurt him. He loved her. Apparently he was gonna propose and then found her in bed with his best friend. Bad shit. We all tried to call him, but he wasn’t answering his phone. We all just kind of looked at each other and went to his house.
Lance was the one who had the bright idea to use the keys that we all had to get into the house. We went in and pretty much invaded JC’s bedroom. He was already asleep so we went back downstairs. When we heard the tell tale groan of him waking up, the four of us rushed back up the stairs to his room. When he opened his baby blues, we were staring at him. He immediately looked away until we dog piled on his bed. There was a lot of shrieking and laughing. Just like old times. We played around for a while, then all of a sudden Justin’s eyes filled up. That got us all talking. What happened? When did it happen? Why didn’t he tell anyone?
JC gave us some answers. I think it was just enough to appease Justin and get him to stop crying. He hugged us all and swore that he would never keep anything from us again. We all hugged just like in those sappy movies that Josh is so fond of, then he told us to get out. I was the only one who stayed, and I did so out of sheer stubbornness. I sat my fat ass on his bed and told him that he’d been alone long enough so I was gonna stay until the tour.
We finally started the damn tour. Not that I don’t love C, but damn the quiet got the fuck on my nerves. Quite a bit of the time, he stayed in his room, only coming out when he wanted a distraction. Toward the end of my stay, Josh was coming out more and actually spending time with me. It was almost like old times.
Like I said, the tour finally started, then while we were rehearsing Joey hurt his leg. He had to take it easy. Wade played Joey in the first video. JC was livid. He wanted to wait to shoot the video, so did I as a matter of fact. But Justin and Johnny, our manager, decided that we needed to get it done. I think that Joey was a little put out too, but pretty soon he was Mr. Happy again. That settled we got back into the routine of touring. It was weird with Joey being hurt and Justin being a bitch. God he and Lance were such DIVAs then. In retrospect, I should have known something was amiss. I was preoccupied at the time though, namely by a dancer named Michelle. I can say we were dating, but there was an awful lot of sex happening, and very little dates. I hate to say it, but I was very lonely back then. It made it too real.
Anyway - back to Pop Odyssey. It wasn’t long before Justin and Johnny held a meeting about him doing a solo record. I was ecstatic - we finally got some free time. Lance was happy, he had been talking to the powers that be about a space shuttle ride for quite a while, besides that I think that he was tired of hiding his boyfriends. Joey seemed happy, but I think that’s because Kelly told him he should be. Seriously though, I believe he was ready to be in Briana’s life for longer that 3 weeks at a time.
JC, well this gig was his whole life. I don’t think that there was anything that he loved more than performing and writing and singing. Well, maybe sex, but little else. You could tell on his face that it just came out of nowhere. You could almost see something inside of him break. He did take it better than I expected though, no one lost any teeth. Now, JC says that he’s nonviolent, and for the most part that’s true, but let me tell you he’ll only take so much. I would HATE to be on the receiving end of a JC ass whooping. These guys in a bar that we were in one night started in on Jayce. The usual shit, calling him a ‘pretty boy’ and calling him a ‘fag’. You could tell it was bothering him, but he ignored it for quite a while. Eventually though, he slammed his glass down and told them to shut the fuck up. They got cocky and asked him what he was gonna do about it. Jayce just calmly walked up to the biggest motherfucker at the table and punched him in the face. JC hit him so hard he fell out of his chair. Then, just as calm, he asked if anyone else had anything to say. No one said a fucking word. It was GREAT! Me and Joey went and grabbed JC and drug his ass out of there though. No need to press our luck too much. As we were leaving, the dude was finally getting off of the floor.
Anyway, we finished Pop Odyssey and took a small break, then went back out on the Celebrity tour. It was short and sweet. Then, all of a sudden, it was all over. Backstage at our last show we all stood around like we weren’t sure what was going on. It was horrible. We got over it though. Justin seemed kind of relieved, probably that JC didn’t murder him in his sleep. JC just seemed lost.
After that we all just kind of lost touch for a while. I went to Justin’s release party, but Lance wasn’t there, and neither was Joey. JC had disappeared. He was doing a song for a movie and I was happy that he had something to do.
During our hiatus, me and a friend went on a RV trip across America. Really, it was great. We did nothing but smoke pot and drink beer. We went to a lot of sports bars. While me and Ron were on the road I heard, on the radio no less, that JC was recording an album. I was happy, maybe he would finally get a break. Justin was doing great, Joey was doing well in Rent and Lance was still trying to get to the moon.
Alas, hardly anything works out as planned. Lance never did get into space and JC’s album was constantly compared to Justin’s. Then Justin did the Super Bowl. Apparently the NFL thought JC was a threat, they basically pushed him into dropping out of the Rose Bowl halftime performance. I felt horrible for my friend.
My life was great. I was writing with some friends and we were playing in little dive bars. I was having the time of my life. I have to admit that I was lonely. When I was little, I swore that I would never need anyone. I saw my mom hurt time after time just because she didn’t like to be alone. Stepfathers who had hit me. Boyfriends who took all of our money and ran off in the middle of the night. I was so scared it would happen to me. I didn’t date, just a quick fuck here and there. That was my love life.
Time passed as it so often does and one day I realized exactly how long it had been since I spoke to JC. I called the other guys, who I spoke to on a regular basis, and asked them when they’d last talked to him and no one had since the end of the tour. Justin said that he had very briefly, about the time of the Super Bowl Incident. I got worried. I tried all of his numbers and never got an answer so I resorted to the big guns. I called his mother. Karen gave me his new cell phone number along with his new address in Chicago. I knew I loved that woman for a reason.
Let me say here that it had been months since I last spoke to JC. I talked to him shortly after his album had dropped, but that was it. Now, months and months later I was just gonna call him up out of the blue. I felt like an asshole. He was supposedly one of my very best friends and I hadn’t talked to him in nearly a year. What kind of friend just lets you suffer in silence? Me obviously. I know that Joey and Lance were in touch and me and Justin were regularly, but no one was with JC. Just a phone call here and there and that was it. The four of us all talked together and we came to the conclusion that he hadn’t been in contact with us either. I decided it was time to do something about it.
True to my nature I just showed up at his door. I know he was surprised to see me and quite frankly I was just as surprised to see him. He was so thin. We hugged at the door and I could almost tell how much weight he had lost. Before I could say anything about it he had a beer in my hand and pushed me down in a chair. He had a Snapple and had curled up on the couch like a cat. We talked for hours and then he dropped the bombshell. JC told me that he had quit music, that it didn’t make him happy anymore. I was so shocked I almost dropped the beer that I was holding. Joshua Chasez breathed music.
He finally sat up straight and said that he had something to say to me. He told me that he had been in rehab for heroin and cocaine addiction. I was floored. He brother had found him face down in his own puke and convinced Josh he needed to get help. He did and when he got out he moved to Chicago. He told me that he had been depressed for a very long time and he had felt like no one cared. We both cried a little and I swore to him that I would never let him get like that again. He laughed at me and told me he would be fine with a little help from his friend Zoloft. We both laughed but I still couldn’t believe that JC was joking about something as serious as depression. I convinced him that he needed to call a ‘group’ meeting and tell the other guys as well. I stayed in Chicago with him until we went to the meeting in Orlando. Even under the unfortunate circumstances it was great for all of us to be together again. God, I had missed them all so badly. We make idle chit chat until JC started talking. He told us everything then he pulled up his left sleeve and took off his watch. Three scars ran across the width of his wrist. We were all floored. Justin choked on his water and Joey nearly fell out of his chair. Justin recovered quickly though and rushed to Josh’s side, effectively pushing me out of the way. I got out of the floor and smacked Justin in his head. When we settled down again, Josh told the others that he quit music. That time it was Lance that choked on his water. He assured us that he was fine, but he felt he needed to do something different.
That was pretty much the end of the meeting. It was the official end of NSYNC as well. It made me sad, but at the same time I was relieved. I got hooked up with another band and we played clubs for a while. At a club in LA there was a talent scout in the audience and he gave us his card. We met with him the next day at his office. We played for his label and they loved us. It was so weird. Barely 7 months after JC spilled his secrets out to all of us and the group ended, I was in demand.
I wasn’t able to go anywhere by myself. The band - Monkey Shine - was huge. Our music was sort of a cross between Fall Out Boy and The Killers, mixed with a little Linkin Park. It’s quite obnoxious. Our success lasted for about 3 years, and that was long enough.
I just want to say that I chose to end Monkey Shine. I was 40 and very tired. Tired of touring, tired of playing, tired of being alone. I wasn’t depressed or anything, but I was far from happy. I spent a lot of time with Justin during my mid life crisis, as he called it. We played golf and video games constantly. It was almost like old times. We went to visit Josh in Maryland, he was going to college. We went to visit Joey in New York, he was on Broadway. We visited Lance out in LA. He was, well I’m not quite sure what Lance was doing. It was great. I felt like I had raised my boys right. I had seen Justin through several bad breakups. I’d seen Josh through a horrible depression. Joey didn’t have any horrible life crisis. Maybe Bri, but with her he stepped up like a man. I helped Lance realize that it is okay not to do what your parents expect from you. It’s alright to love whomever you choose, be it man or woman. I’ve seen Joey get married to the woman he loves and I’ve seen Justin reunite with his dream woman and marry her. I am so proud of my boys.
When Justin and I quit visiting everyone under the sun I went back home to Orlando and settled down. I mean I had a routine. I’d get up and go jogging, well after my coffee. I was healthier than I had been in quite sometime. That’s when my life completely turned upside down. I had went out to dinner with my mother one night. She and I were sitting there talking, minding our own business, when this woman walked up to our table and said ‘Beverly”. My mom’s mouth made a perfect circle of surprise. She jumped out of her chair and hugged this complete stranger. I thought that she had lost her mind. I noticed then that the girl had a friend with her. I sort of smiled at her and she smiled back. Turns out that the girl had met my mom somewhere and they became fast friends. My mother had tried to set me up with her for ages. Naturally I baulked. And I would never admit it to my mother but I really wished I had met the girl when mom wanted me too. She was such a smart ass. Basically she was like a female version of me. Kind of scary really, but hey she was really cute. He and her friend ended up staying with my mom for the time that they were in Orlando. They hung out with me a lot.
I was completely in love by the time that they left. Yeah, I know, it was totally uncharacteristic of me. I couldn’t help it, she was unlike any girl that I had ever met. We kept in contact, talking on the phone nearly every day, sometimes twice. She lived in Illinois, so I started going there a lot. When the time came that she was unhappy with her career, I suggested a move - to Florida. With me. She was stunned for a few minutes, I could tell. Then she put her finger in my chest and poked. She narrowed her eyes and said, “Don’t think that I’m gonna be your live-in girlfriend forever Christopher Kirkpatrick. I love you too much for you not to marry me you fucker.” I was shocked, but that was just her. She wasn’t pushing, she was merely stating a fact.
Three years and a 2 year old later, we’re still together. She’s pregnant again and planning a wedding. She wants a girl this time and I only want it to be healthy and look like her. Our little boy’s name is Ben, she humored me when I wanted to name him after Ben Roethlisburger, and he got the best of both our features. Thank God her dad is tall. Ben may have a chance. My favorite times are when she and I are lying in bed laughing at something stupid, and I’m rubbing her head or belly. Or when she has my head in her lap and she’s pulling my hair and humming under her breath.
I have never been happier that I am right now. I finally understand what JC was talking about when he talked about ‘the one’. I never thought that I would be so lucky to find a woman who puts up with my bullshit, but she does. She gives me my space when I need it and she pushes when she needs too. She knows my every mood and how to deal with it. We’re perfect together. I honestly don’t know how I’ve lived without this all of my life. Everyone always told me that when I fell it would be hard and I thought that they were full of shit. It was true. I don’t know if I could live with out my soon to be wife and beautiful boy, I would hate to try. My world is finally complete.
