He sits here in the dark, wondering where all the days have gone. Slowly and surely, it dawns on him. He used to be someone, someone special. He wishes he could be that someone again, but he can’t.

            The whole world has crashed around him, faster and faster, not letting him breathe. He lies back on the empty bed and waits, waits for someone. There is a noise, and he looks up, only to be greeted by silence.

            How he longs to hear the sounds again, the sounds that he once remembered. He longs to hold it in his memory forever, until the dawns of time.

            It happened not long ago, a few weeks at most, but then everything had been so perfect, so real Chris stood there and held her in his arms, so fragile she was. He remembered her smiling at him, not caring about anything. She had made him forget, forget about his troubles.

“She looks a lot like you,” The voice of the woman in the bed said and Chris smiled in agreement.

“Yes, but she looks more like you,” he replied, he handed the precious bundle back to the woman, but the woman refused.

“No Chris,” she said and looked at him smiling. “I want you to promise me something.”

“What?” Chris asked with curiosity at the look in the woman’s eyes.

“Promise me you’ll be there for her no matter what,” the woman replied and Chris slowly nodded.

“Of course I…” he began but the woman stopped him by placing a finger on his lips.

“Thank you,” she whispered and smiled. “Be good my darling,” she whispered to the blanket in Chris’ arms.

“Why are you talking like that?” Chris asked scared, but the woman did not answer instead she just smiled and motioned for Chris to leave.

“Take her with you,” the woman replied, and waited for Chris to go. He nodded, and carefully holding the little bundle in his arms he left the woman to think about what had just happened.

He wonders how he can make the day go by faster; he sits in the small room with his friends. Each waiting for an explanation. He does not however give them one, he feels as if there is no need, his life has ended.

He takes a deep breath in and shakes his head. “There is no point explaining,” he says and the sadness haunts his voice.

“Why not?” His friend asks. “We’re like family; you can’t go running out on us now.”

He sighs and smiles at the younger man, “You don’t understand. My life is not what it used to be.” There is a brief silence, and then one of his other friends speaks up.

“We know your life isn’t what it used to be, but can you at least not try?” He shakes his head, no he can’t.

“I’m sorry but no,” he replies and his friends see the ache in his eyes.

“Well if it’s what you want,” the second friend says, “We can’t stop you.” They all look at each other; they know what it has come to.

“You guys will always be a part of my life,” he says and gets up, “But now I must go forge my own way in life or I will never make it. I must find the real Chris Kirkpatrick.”

As Chris left the hospital he did not know how he could ever care for someone that small, but some how he did. For those few weeks he had cared for her, he had grown to love and care for her. Nothing seemed more important than her anymore.

“You’ve changed,” Justin, one of his band mates, had told him and it was true he had. “But in a good way.”

None of his friends had seen him act this way before, and they liked it. It was as if a new Chris was being formed right before their eyes.

“You’re still the same guy right?” They had joked, and Chris had laughed. Yes, he was the same but he’d become more careful with his life.

“Yeah, but she’s just given me more to live for,” he’d replied and they had all smiled. It was good to see that he had found a new lease on life from someone so special.

As he leaves his work, he finds it hard to see how he will go on. But he knows he must, for it is necessary in order for his life to continue. He sees her in everything he does, and every word he speaks. It is hard but he will go on, somehow he will move on.

He sits in his car and slowly drives away, driving away from his life. It has been a life that he has known for a long time now, and he is just driving away from it. As he drives he sees the memories flashing before his eyes, like a slide show gone hazy. He sighs and tries to refocus, forgetting the past.

Yet, forgetting the past is hard, especially if it is all you have known for half your life. He tries not to weep as his car drives him slowly down the freeway, everything he has ever known will be gone soon. He turns off the freeway and down a small street that leads to the house, the house where she was. He gets closer and closer, and his heart seems to stop.

            He reaches the house and turns of the car, sitting there for a while. His eyes are fixed to the front as he sees the images of ambulances and hears the sirens from that day. His eyes and ears hurt from these but he can not stop them. He feels immobile to everything around him.

            “Hello? Mr Kirkpatrick?” He looks up and sees the grey haired lady from next door looking at him. “Are you okay?” He sighs, how can he be?

            “Yes thank you,” he replies and is able to get out of the car. The old lady smiles at him, and gives him a concerned look. Her eyes see everything that he has seen. He smiles appreciatively as she lets him walk inside.

            “You know,” the lady says once he has reached the door, he turns to face her. “It is hard to loose a loved one, but we have to learn to move on. It is what they would want.” He nods at her in reply and turns around to open the door. Tears fill up in his eyes as he turns the key. He knows what the older woman says is true, she wouldn’t want him to be like this but he is.

            The first few months had been so hectic for Chris, he did not know how he was handling it, but he was. He ran here and there, taking care of her every whim. She was everything to him now, more than he could have hoped for. He was happier, or so it seemed.

            Chris brought her every where he went, on tour, to interview and to fan meetings. People loved her; they said she looked just like him. She had become one of them, in some sort of miracle.

            When it had happened, Chris had been shocked. He didn’t know to react, unable to understand it. He had become immobile to everything that had gone on around him. Like a statue watching, silently. And as the sirens blared in his ears, he had done nothing, just nodded.

            He is still standing outside, and it has begun to rain. The rain falls slowly, all around him, and he is unable to move. Unable to go back into the house, where the memories are so fresh.

            His heart feels as if it is being wrenched out from within him, and he has no power to take a step inside, even though the door is open. Why? He asks, why did she have to be given to me?

            His eyes are still teary, as he looks through the door. He sees himself on the other side, a part of him that is no longer there. The father part of him, a father that had to grow up and fall down so quickly.

            Get a grip Kirkpatrick, he tells himself, and sighs. He knows he should get up and go inside. This is not him, it’s not the Chris he knows. The Chris he sees on the other side, that’s who he is. Not this man, who is standing out in the rain, cold and depressed.

            Okay, he tells himself, I will go in, I’ll pick up the courage and go in. But he still can’t, and he has no idea why. Something is holding him back, something stronger than himself. He sighs, as he realizes that he can’t go in, not alone anyway.

            He struggles, and as he does so he pulls out his phone and dials a number. “Yeah Jayce?” he says, his words are shaky now, “I need help.”

            He stands outside a while longer, waiting for his friends, to come. He knows he should not need the support, but it is what is the best.

            “Chris?” he turns around and through the rain, he sees his friends and he smiles. “What’s going on buddy?” His friend, JC, asks, and the tears come again.

            “I- I…” he begins and looks to the door, and they understand.

            “Don’t worry, we’ll help,” JC says, and he nods to the other three. They know how hard this is on him, and even though he told them he was walking out on them, they still came.

            He smiles, half a smile, “Thanks guys.” He looks at them, and they smile back. Their eyes can read his.  They don’t pressure him into anything, and for a while they stand in the rain with him. Letting him regain the courage that she took from him.

            After what seems like forever they look at him, he takes a deep breath in and nods. The youngest of the five, Justin, takes his cue and slowly makes his way through the front door, standing only a few feet away. Then the second friend, Lance, follows him along with the third, Joey.

            JC looks at him, he nods, and looks at the three of his friends, standing in the house. The house which is still haunting his memories. He still can’t go in, he doesn’t know why. They still wait, patiently, until he is ready.

            “I don’t know why I can’t do this,” he whispers, and his friends all nod.

            “I know it’s hard but try, take all the time you want,” JC says, he understands his friend’s pain. There is another wait, this time longer than the last. JC places a hand on his shoulder, reassurance that they are there.

“Chris?” Justin asks, his eyes are filled with fear for his older friend. “Please, do this.” He shakes his head at Justin, he has no way of getting past this. His knees are feeling weak, like Joey’s jello. He falls to his knees in tears, unable to look at them.

“Please don’t give up,” Lance says and he steps outside again, “You can’t give up.”

He looks up, “I know. But I just..” He says this and suddenly the reassurance for them that he is okay, slowly fades. They know he will not recover, not now, not ever.

“C,” JC says, “Please, we beg you. We need you, you are our brother. Please don’t give up.” His heart melts, and it cracks, torn apart.

“He needs help,” Joey says after a while, he sees his friends hands shaking. “Help we can not give him.” He looks at Joey, and nods. He thought they could help him, but they can’t.