“Come on Lila, you gotta eat,” Alex says a few days later and I’ve hardly eaten, I’ve taken Josh’s decision hard.

            “I can’t,” I say and push away the plate of food Alex places in front of me. He sighs in frustration and sits down opposite me. “Alex, he wants full custody.”

            “No he doesn’t,” Alex says with a laugh, “You know Josh he never means what he says, he probably was just saying it to piss you off. He does that you know.”

            “I know, but this time I have a feeling it’s different,” I say looking at Alex who shakes his head in disagreement.

            “What makes you say that?” Alex asks with concern. “Leopards can’t change their spots.”

            “Well Josh can,” I say, “He’s an expert when it comes to change. I mean he turned up when he said he would.”

            “So?” Alex asks, “He turned up once Lila. Once doesn’t mean anything, how do you know he’ll turn up again?”

            “Because he called Sara yesterday, and the day before. Just like he said he would,” I say remembering how he promised Sara he’d call and actually did.

            “So what Lila, a few calls and a few visits from him doesn’t make him the best father in the world okay,” Alex says, “Even if he does take you to court he can’t win and he knows it.”

            “Why not?” I ask even though I know Alex is right as usual. “What makes you think that the court won’t give him custody?”

            “Because Lila,” Alex says with a sigh. “He hasn’t been the best father. We’ve all seen it. He wasn’t there when she was growing up was he?” I shake my head. “And what about that check that bounced? You think the court will see that in his favour? Josh doesn’t realize this but turning up after five years and trying to make yourself be a God in your child’s eyes just for the court doesn’t make for the best parenting.”

            “I know Alex,” I say in aspiration, “I’m just scared.”

            “Scared of what?” Alex asks leaning over and taking my hand in his. “Lila you have the best case out of the two of you, and you have Justin, Rea and I to back it up. What does Josh have?”

            “He has the gold medal in parenting from his child, that’s what,” I say and Alex sighs. “Alex, the only thing that will end up mattering will be what Sara thinks of her father and you know it. As long as she thinks he’s the bee’s knees then we’re screwed.”

            “No we’re not,” Alex says, “Because no court is going to let a little girl testify because at that age children are impressionable and their testimonies are not viable to court.”

            “I guess,” I say with a small smile and Alex nods.

            “You know I’m telling you the truth Lila,” Alex says and I nod. I know Alex is telling me the truth because he’s a psychologist and knows these things, heck anyone can see these things.

            “Thank you Alex,” I say, “What will I do without you?” And Alex shrugs, he has no clue.

            I don’t know what I would do without Sara, I mean if Josh won full custody of her. Then I would never see her, not even for a second and I know it. Josh would deprive me of seeing my daughter, and tell me he’s just paying me back for not letting him see her all those years. Because in Josh’s fucked up head, that’s how he sees things.

            I know Alex said it’s almost impossible for Josh to get custody, seeing the circumstances, but that feeling still won’t go away. I know he’s definitely going to fight me for Sara, and it won’t matter how much evidence I give against him I don’t think it’ll really make a difference.

            Sara, I know will love it if she gets to see Josh more often because every day she keeps asking when she’ll see her fox of a father again. And every time he does pop up, he keeps on telling her of his big plans to move her into his life. Where he has a room made up just for her in his billion dollar mansion which I’ve never even laid eyes on.

            He also tells her of his plans for them to go on holidays to Disney World and all that, he tells her it’ll be just the two of them, he promises. No mommy or Alex to butt in, and Sara, well, she just laps it up.

            I try very subtly to tell her not to keep her hopes up; I keep telling her that daddy may not do what he says he will. But she refuses to listen, telling me what all children tell their parents at that age, that I’m mean. I know it may be mean, to try and keep my child away from Josh and his greasy hands, but I’m only trying to protect her.

            Alex tries to help out, but really I think he just does more damage to the situation. He always asks Sara if that’s what she really wants, to go away with daddy for good and never see mommy or Uncle Alex again. And by that time Sara is already in tears from me telling her how her father may not do what he promises and she just bawls even more.

            Sometimes when she’s real sleepy I ask her, does she want to stay with me forever or her daddy? Sometimes she says me, but then sometimes, after we’ve had a fight, she says daddy. And that hurts me; I think Josh is making a bad impression on Sara more and more. I have never left her alone with Josh for a minute, but when he is with her, he whispers things to her that only she can hear. I begin to wonder what those things are, and I think they are something to do with him being the world’s greatest father.

            When I think about it, Sara is my life. Everything I do is revolved around her, I go to every school meeting and function, and I work two jobs so she can have everything she wants. When I’m not working I’m with her, doing things with her, taking her out with me. I mean, if she goes and lives with Josh, then what am I going to do? I’ll be like a lost sheep without her. They’d be no point in me working, because I won’t have her to support. There won’t be any point in me going to the school, because I’m sure Josh will move her away as soon as he can. Josh will take my child away from my reach; he won’t even let me smell her. He’d be vicious and probably even change her last name to his, just to spite me.

            I won’t be the only one who’ll be torn to shreds if Sara goes with Josh. Alex, darling Alex, he’ll be a mess. He loves that little girl, she’s like his own blood, and he’d die for her I know he would. I’m sure he’d have a mental break down if Sara had to go live with Josh. And then there’s Rea and Justin, they have been there for my child since the day she was born. Sara almost sees Rea as another mommy, and Matt is like her brother.

            Sara and Matt go to the same school; they practically live off each other. They’re joined at the hip.

            And my parents? God, they’ll go ballistic. My mother spoils Sara rotten, and Sara loves her. I think it’s what keeps my mother and more likely my father living. Their grandchild. My father gave up his business so he could see Sara more, they come down every Sunday or we go there. And Sara enjoys her time with them very much that she keeps on telling me we should go see them today, right now, this instant.

If Josh took Sara, it’d kill my parents. They hate him like they hate Satan. Actually they think Josh is Satan’s blood. All I hope is that Josh doesn’t get custody of Sara, because is he does things will go haywire. Please God, please don’t let him take away my little girl.