I don’t know why Josh loves to make everyone not see who he really is; I think it’s for his own good not Sara’s or anyone else’s. He wants to seem amazing because when the time of the court case rolls around then he can be seen as the ample father, who loves his child to bits and bobs. But in reality what he really is is an asshole that treats everyone around him like shit to get his way. He will use and abuse whenever possible, even if it kills him.

I bet Josh is doing all this to spite me, just to make me live with his mistakes. He blames me for to being in Sara’s life for the past five years. And now that he’s actually here he only wants to be with her to spite me.

I met with his lawyer and him today, to see if we could settle out of court, but I refused. I did not want him to take Sara from me, and he for one refused to see that. He said I was just being greedy, and did not want our child to grow up with two parents. Then I pointed out to him that yes, I wanted our child to grow up with two parents, but not with the ass who made my life a living hell and treats everyone around him like shit. I also added that I did not want to have to rely on him to take care of my child, seeing as he was utterly unreliable.

He fought with me of course, saying I was only jealous. Jealous of the fact that Sara loved him more than me, and I again pointed out to him that that was only because he had manipulated her to think he would actually stick around for more than two seconds.

He actually laughed at that, and told me I was delusional and he wasn’t surprised seeing as I was seeing a psychiatrist. His lawyer’s eyebrow went up at that, but it was quickly brought back down when I told them that the psychiatrist I was seeing wasn’t even my psychiatrist, he was my best friend, Alex. Josh fell silent after that, and not long passed before he got up and left. Telling me he was coming to see his child, and I better have her there waiting for him when he arrived. I was given neither a date nor a time; I was just to wait, AGAIN.

Now Sara is still staying with my parents, and I decided I was not going to wait for Josh to pop up when he pleased and just hand him Sara like a meal on a golden platter. He was going to have to learn that I was not going to put my life, or Sara’s, on hold for him or anyone else.

So when I get home and see Josh sitting in his car looking gloomy as a fog I just roll my eyes, walk right past him and try to get into my house. But he jumps out of his car and runs up to me, grabbing my arm stopping me in my tracks.

“Where is she Lila?” Josh asks angrily and I look at him with a sigh.

“She not here Josh,” I say stating the obvious. “Let go of my arm.”

“I told you I was coming and she was to be here,” Josh states and I shake my head.

“No Josh, you can’t work like this I’ve told you before,” I say looking at him, “I am not going to put Sara on hold just for you; she has a life other than you you know.”

“But I haven’t seen her in over three weeks,” Josh says and I nod.

“Well that’s not my fault is it Josh?” I ask, “You keep up and disappearing without notice, then when you reappear it’s at the wrong time and place.”

“That’s not my fault,” Josh says and I glare at him.

“Then who’s is it Josh?” I ask, “And don’t you dare try and blame me because you know very well I would never deny you seeing your daughter.”

“Well you don’t want me to spend time with her,” Josh argues and I pull away from him.

“I do Josh, but not when you’re busy playing your dirty little tricks on me or her,” I answer and yank my arm out of his grip. Josh glares at me and refuses to move from his position.

“Stop making up lies Lila,” he says, “You’re just stalling.”

“Stalling for what Josh?” I ask him, “Because Sara is not here; like I said we were not planning to have you just walk into our lives today.”

“How I do I know she’s not here?” Josh asks and I look at him, gesturing around me.

“You’re welcome to come look inside Josh, and then you’ll see I’m not lying,” I say and Josh grunts, because he can see it in my eyes that I’m telling the truth.

“Fine,” Josh growls, “But next time she better be here.”

“And when will that be Josh? If you give me a time and a date I’ll make sure you can see her,” I say and Josh shakes his head.

“I don’t know when, it’ll be when I can and she better be here,” he says and begins to walk away.

“Josh!” I call after him but he’s already in his car. “I can’t do that! The world does not revolve around you! I need a time and a date or no Sara!”  But Josh seems to not listen as he gets into his car and begins to drive away, and I want to scream some more. Selfish bastard.

Josh is so fucking selfish, he just believes, no wants, the world to drop everything just for him. When he feels fit then and only then can we live. He forgets that there are other people in this world, people who have other shit to deal with and can’t stand to be within a five foot radius of him.

He makes me so mad, not sometimes, but always. And he just loves to push my buttons, especially when it comes to our daughter. He just can’t stop pushing and pushing until finally you give in just to get rid of him. But even that doesn’t seem to work, even if you do give him what he wants he’s not satisfied and keeps coming back for more. Like a greedy child wanting more ice cream.

I am at my parent’s house, with Sara, waiting for the traffic to cool down before I head home. And Sara is in a fit because she can’t come home and hasn’t seen her father, so I got my dad to take her outside and play with her on the swings while I got some advice from my mother.

“What should I do about Josh?” I ask her, because in my experience she’s always been the one with the right answers when it comes to men.

“Like I said before Lila, I think you should refuse to let him see Sara period,” she replies and I nod.

“Yeah but it’ll look bad in court mom,” I say, “I mean if I tell him no, you know how he is, he’ll turn it against me.”

“I know Lila,” My mom says putting a hand on my arm, “But Josh will do anything to get Sara, you know it so that is not going to make that much of a difference. Besides I’m scared for both Sara and you.”

“Why?” I ask but I know she’s talking about the big ass bruise Josh gave me from that day.

“You know why Lila, he has a temper like that of a fire cracker,” she replies and I nod. “And he’s already hurt you both emotionally and physically.”

“I know mom, but he won’t hurt Sara,” I say and she sighs in aspiration.

“But who’s to say he won’t?” she asks and I shrug.

“I say he won’t,” I reply with a reassuring smile, “Besides I doubt Alex will allow that to happen mom. You’re just stressing for nothing.”

“I hope I am Lila,” she says getting up just as my daughter comes back inside with my father. “I just hope I am.”