Crawling Back To You

Based on and containing the song as performed by the Backstreet Boys
*Some words have been changed to better suit the gender of the story.

Everybody knows
That I was such a fool
To ever let go of you
And baby I was wrong
And yeah I know I said
We’d be better off alone
It was time that we moved on
I know I broke your heart
I didn’t mean to break your heart

Tears fell, unchecked, down her cheeks as she ran her fingers over the photographs.

She’d been happy then.  They’d been happy.

She smiled through her tears at the grin on his face, the happiness as they held each other in one of the photos. 

He’d always been so . . . loveable.  He could hold her, a simple hug, and everything would be all right in her world.  It occurred to her that his arms fit around her perfectly, like he’d been made to hold her.  Being in his arms had given her comfort and security.  She’d felt safe and protected in his arms, like he’d never let anyone do her harm.  He’d been her security blanket, her own personal teddy bear.

She needed for him to hold her.

His voice had always reassured her, comforted her, even from a continent away.  The laughter in his tone had always made her smile, the seriousness always catching her off guard when he was focused on their conversation.  He’d thought it hilarious when she’d asked him for a CD of just his parts of the songs, no harmonies, no cover-ups.  But when he’d seen that she was serious, he’d smiled warmly and given her a light kiss.  She’d played that disc every night while he’d been away, his smooth voice singing her to sleep.

She wanted to hear his voice, live and in person.

His eyes were that warm, deep brown, melted-chocolate color that just made her want to stare into them for hours on end.  Most of the time, they were soft and smiling, embracing the world and everyone around him.  In a moment, they could focus sharply to study whatever was happening around him, taking inventory of movements and bodies.  But then, when he was with her, a spark would enter them, proving just how much he loved having her near.

She needed to see his eyes again, without the tears, without the heartbreak.  His smiling eyes.

And his kisses.  She shivered just thinking about them.  Nothing else in this world was as right as those knee-weakening, bone-melting, breath-stealing kisses that only he knew how to give.  His fingers would thread into her hair and she could always see that glint in his eyes as he pulled her closer, making her heart skip a beat before he sent her soaring.

She wanted to soar again.

But she’d screwed up.  Big time.

He’d come home from tour last week and she’d offered to finish up his laundry while he and the guys took care of some odds and ends with the label.  They would be rewarded with a few weeks of personal down time before they headed out on the fall leg of the tour.  A treat more than worth the effort.

She’d been standing in his laundry room, pulling the clothes out of his last bag when she’d gotten a whiff of an odd aroma.  She sniffed the shirts
again . . . and again . . . and again.  Her brain was screaming at her, but she didn’t want to accept the facts.

It wasn’t his aftershave.  It wasn’t his cologne.  It wasn’t a scent that a man would wear, period.  Too . . . floral.

It definitely wasn’t her own perfume.  She hadn’t been out to see him in two months.  Any trace of her would have been long gone by now.  And this scent was definitely out of her price range.

That meant one thing.  Another woman.  Close enough to him for her perfume to get on his clothing.

Her hands were trembling as she continued to pull out the shirts and pants, her heart twisting as the scent became stronger and stronger as she emptied the bag.

Her insecurities had gotten the best of her by the time he’d walked through the door, a bright smile on his face.

She couldn’t quite remember the words she’d said, but his confused expression as she’d thrown the shirt into his face and stormed past wouldn’t leave her mind.  Even worse was his devastated look as he’d chased her through the house, anxiously trying to tell her something, not getting through to her.

“It’s over.  Goodbye, Joe.”

The shattered look in his eyes, the heartbreak on his face as she’d slammed the door, running out of the house and away from him.  The lost way he’d stood on his doorstep, twisting the shirt in his hands as she’d driven away.  She’d caught the defeated slump of his shoulders in her rearview mirror, had seen him run a hand over his face to wipe away the rare tears before dropping down to sit on the top step, a broken man.

The images haunted her.  They invaded her dreams and distracted her during the day.

She looked over at the blank computer monitor.  She hadn’t been able to write a thing for days.  She had a deadline to meet in two months.  The publishers wanted eight chapters of her newest novel, to see where it was headed, if it would be a winner.

She couldn’t even write one sentence.  Everything came back to him.  Him and that broken look.

She was utterly useless without him.

Janine had called last night, asking her if Joe had shocked her with his surprise.

She’d literally shaken her head in confusion, before explaining what had happened.  Stunned silence had screamed at her over the phone line for several minutes before Janine had shared some of what she knew.

There hadn’t been anybody else.  He’d been so infatuated with her that the thought itself should have been laughable. 

He’d had a whole evening planned for them.  He’d bought her a bottle of high-end perfume that she’d tested -- and raved about -- in a store while she’d been visiting him in New York.  He’d made reservations at a classy restaurant.  He’d scoped out what size she wore and had been planning to find the perfect evening gown for her.

He was making up for their missed Valentine’s Day.

The bottle of perfume must have been in the bag with the clothing and had either broken or leaked out into the fabrics during his flight home.

She’d felt like digging a hole through the floor and burying herself in it.  She still wanted to hide her head in shame.

She hadn’t trusted him.  She’d turned away from him.  After two years, she’d turned her back on him and walked out.

The tears welled again, sobs wracking her body as she sank back onto her couch, her arms wrapped around her stomach as though she could hold herself together.

She’d torn their world apart.  All because she’d been feeling inadequate.

The misery was killing her.

Thunder rattled through the house, making her jump.  She looked out the window and saw that it was beginning to sprinkle rain in the late Florida evening.

She looked down at the photos, at the smiling faces.

It’d been five days.  Five days without him had felt like an eternity.

She couldn’t live like this.

She needed him back.

She reached out and grabbed the phone off the end table, quickly dialing his number.  It rang once, then the lights overhead flickered quickly before going dark, the phone connection going dead as the power went out.

She tossed the useless phone aside and jumped to her feet.  She grabbed the photo album and walked quickly through the house, picking up her keys and wallet before running through the rain to her car.

She made the ten-minute trip in five, driving dangerously fast through the rain, and pulled up to the gate.  She keyed in the code and drove through, making her way up the driveway until she could park several yards from the front door.

I know you're in there
And you can make me wait
But I'm not gonna wait
It's the least that I could do
Just to tell you face to face
I was lyin' to myself
Now I'm dyin' in this hell
Oh, I know you're mad
Well I can't blame you for bein' mad

She sat there for several minutes, her windshield wipers whipping back and forth, just staring through the rain at the lights in the living room and dining room windows.

The front yard was well-lit, so she cut the engine and sat there, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel.

It’d been five days and he hadn’t tried to call her once.  Neither her home phone nor her cell phone had displayed his number upon ringing.

That silence terrified her.

She wouldn’t blame him if he hated her.  She couldn’t.  At this point, she rather hated herself, so expecting anything other than the same from him would be unrealistic.

But maybe he’d listen to her, even after she’d denied him that same luxury.

She had to explain, to apologize, to beg forgiveness.

Her fingertips trailed over the cover of her photo album.  They had too much history for either of them to just throw it away at the drop of a hat.

She had so many fears, even more now than before she’d temporarily lost her mind.

Fears.  Insecurities.  Both of which he’d known about, but hadn’t known their depth, their extent, their power.

She breathed deeply as she stared at the picture on the cover of the album.

Fears or no, he deserved to hear it from her.  An explanation.  Face to face.

After two years, she owed that to him.  And she was going to deliver.

She wrapped the album in her jacket and, hugging it to her chest, hopped out of the car to run through the rain toward his front door.

But baby here I am
Bangin' on your front door
My pride spilled on the floor
My hands and knees are bruised
And I'm crawlin' back to you
Beggin' for a second chance
Are you gonna let me in?
I was runnin' from the truth
And now I'm crawlin' back to you

She slipped on the rainy pathway, her knees slamming into the cement, bruising the flesh on her legs and on the hand she used to try and brace herself.  The thunder overhead drowned out her cry of pain and the rain began to come down harder.

She stood, her hand brushing over the ripped fabric at the knees of her jeans.

She bit back against the pain, striding more carefully up to the door.

She stopped under the small overhang, gathering her nerves as water from her hair dripped down her face.

A trembling finger reached out and pressed the doorbell.  She could hear the chimes echo through the house and then . . .

Nothing.  No answer.

She tried the door handle, only to find it locked.

She pressed the button again, listening intently for the sound of footsteps inside.

Still nothing.

She laid the bundled jacket down on a fairly dry spot on the stoop and turned back to the door.

She knocked loudly against the wooden door.

“Joey!”  She cupped her hands around her mouth, hoping that he would take mercy on her and open the door.

Still nothing.

She pounded against the door with both fists, tears streaming down her rain-soaked face.

“Joe!  It’s Alex!  Open the door!”

After several minutes of pounding, she finally gave up, exhausted.

She leaned her back against the door and sank down onto the stoop, taking no heed of the water falling down onto her head and soaking through her jeans.

He hated her.

If you could see these tears I'm cryin'
Touch these hands that can't stop shakin'
Hear my heart that's barely beatin'
You would see a different woman*

Lightening streaked across the sky, followed by a loud clap of thunder.

She curled into herself, drawing her knees up to her chest and burying her face against the tender area around her knees.

She took several deep breaths, trying to keep herself together, but failing miserably.

She sobbed openly into her knees, her warm tears mingling with the rain.

She blinked, trying to wipe the rain water out of her eyes as lightening flashed again.

She kept her head down, rocking back and forth to try and find some form of comfort, some kind of relief from the pain.

It was over.

She would have to learn to live without him.

Her heart twisted at the thought, her breath catching at the stab of pain.

Now, she just had to think.  She needed a plan.  Somehow, she had to move on.

Thunder cracked loudly again, and she jumped, whimpering into her knees.

If only . . .

“Alex?”

She shook her head against her knees, trying to clear the ghost of his voice from her mind.  It would be a long time before she stopped hearing that sound in her dreams.

“Lexi?  What on Earth are you doing out here?”

Her head jerked up, her eyes blinking at the man crouched down in front of her, the hood of his rain coat protecting his head from the elements.

“Joe?”

She could see his sad grin under the hood of his jacket.  “Who else would it be?”  His hand came out to push the wet hair away from her face.  “What are you doing out here, Lex?”

“I had to see you,” she stuttered, shivering as the rain turned cold and lashed at her body.  “I had to talk to you.”  Her teeth began chattering.

“Come on.  Let’s get you inside.”  He tugged on her hand until she was on her feet, bundled jacket hugged to her chest, and unlocked the door for her to walk through.

They stopped in the foyer so that he could take off his coat.  He turned and gave her a quick once-over.

“Go on into the bathroom and try to dry off a little.  I’ll bring you dry clothes and we’ll take care of your wet ones . . .”  His voice trailed off as he looked at the knees of her pants.  “What happened?”

“I fell on the front walk.”  She self-consciously wiped her hands at the ripped spots on her jeans.  “Clumsy me tried running in the rain and hit the pavement.”

His concerned eyes met hers.  “Are you okay?”

“I’m a little bruised, but I’ll survive.”  She looked back at him, shivering, what little confidence she had wavering.  “Joey, I . . .”

He shook his head.  “Not right now.  Let’s get you dried off and warm.  Then we can talk all you want.”

“Okay.”  She nodded, turning to walk out of the room.

Twenty minutes later, her hair was dry and she was warm and cozy in a set of his sweats. 

She padded out of the bathroom and down the hall, coming to a halt when she found him sitting on the couch in the living room, flipping through her photo album with a small smile across his face.

He saw her out of the corner of his eye and turned to face her.  “How could you leave this?”  He motioned towards the album.  “How could you leave me, Alex?”

“Joe.  I’m sorry.”  She whispered, the tears filling her eyes again.  “I’m so sorry, Joey.”

He patted the sofa beside him and she walked in and sat down.

“What happened, Lexi?  Why did you think I was cheating on you?”

“I was emptying out that last bag of clothes . . . and I could smell it, Joe.  I could smell that perfume.  Perfume that wasn’t mine.”  She took a shuddering breath and hugged herself.  “I tried to talk myself out of it, tried to tell myself that it couldn’t be what I thought it was.  But then I started thinking, and all those old fears . . . all those insecurities started flying up around me and I just . . . lost it.”

“I thought . . .”

“Joe, you have no idea what it’s like to be loved by you.”  She smiled shakily at him and gestured towards the book in his lap.  “You loved me unconditionally, Joe.  No limits.  No conditions.  You loved me for me and nothing more.” 

She stared at the fireplace.  “And I was standing there in that laundry room, knowing that you could have anybody you wanted, that there were literally millions of gorgeous, rich women out there who would give their right arm to be where I was . . . and that I hadn’t done anything to deserve to have you.”

“Lexi . . .”

She continued on as though she hadn’t heard him.  “I’m not a beauty queen, Joey.  I’m not the smartest or the richest or the most beautiful . . . but you chose me.  And knowing that, plus having you gone a lot of the time . . . only made it worse when I smelled that perfume.” 

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply.  “It ripped my heart to pieces when I smelled what I thought was another woman on your clothes . . . especially when my fears were telling me that she would be better suited for you, no matter who she was.”

He sat quietly and watched as she got up and paced the floor in front of him, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Janine called me yesterday and told me a little bit about what you had planned.”  Her hands came up and gripped at her hair.  “And I lost it again.  I kept seeing the expressions on your face from that day . . . they’ve been repeating in my head, driving me crazy.  I haven’t been able to sleep.  I can’t write.  Nothing feels right.” 

She stopped and looked at him.  “I seriously think I’m losing my mind, Joe.  Ever since Thursday, I’ve been an absolute mess.  All I could think about was how, no matter what, I still love you with everything I am.” 

She started sobbing again.  “I love you, Joe.  I’m never going to stop.  I’m so sorry that I flipped out like that, and I’ll understand if you don’t want me back, but I just had to tell you . . . you had to know . . .”

He stood up and pulled her to him, wrapping his arms tightly around her, so that she could cry into his chest. 

Her arms came up and wrapped around his neck, clinging to him desperately as the tears poured out.

“Shh . . . it’s all right, Alex.”  He rocked back and forth with her, his lips moving against her forehead.  “It’s going to be okay, sweetheart.”

She took a shaky breath, the familiar scent of his cologne and the feel of his arms around her calming her considerably.  “Look at us.  You shouldn’t be comforting me, Joe.  You should be pushing me away and telling me how big of an idiot I am.  You should be kicking me back out your front door.”

“You aren’t going anywhere, Alex.”  He pulled her even closer, resting his chin on the top of her head.  “Not unless I go with you.”

A few stray tears streamed down her cheeks.  “Are you sure, Joe?  I wouldn’t blame you if . . .”

“If I didn’t want you back?  Honey, as far as I’m concerned, you never left.  You’re it for me, Lexi.  We have a few things to work out, but we’re gonna make it.”  He looked down at the top of her head.  “You need to learn to talk to me, Lex.  If you’re feeling scared or unsure about things, then you need to let me know so we can talk it out.”   

“I know.”  She nodded against his chest.

She sniffled a few more times before pulling back, sighing when his hands cupped her face, his thumbs wiping the tracks of her tears away.  “You scared me to death when you didn’t open the door.  Where were you, Joey?”

He smiled down at her.  “I’d been going stir-crazy around here without you.  I didn’t know what I was going to say, but I was just getting ready to call you when you called me.  The phone only rang once, but your number still came up on the caller ID, so I tried calling you back and kept getting a busy signal.  I started to worry, so I went out to check on you.” 

He ran a hand through her hair.  “I got scared when you weren’t home and I’d forgotten my cell phone, so I came back here to try and track you down.”

“My power went out.  The storm must have been stronger than I thought.”  She looked back up at him.  “Joe . . .”

He sat down on the couch and pulled her down next to him.  “Let me talk now, Lexi.” 

He looked her over from head to toe.  “I just don’t know how you can be who you are, be the way you are, and not see how beautiful you are.  Inside and out, Lex.  You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.”  He arched an eyebrow at her playfully.  “Sometimes I wonder why you put up with me, seeing as I’m on the road half the time.”

“It’s because I love you.”

“And I love you, Alex.  I’ve loved you since the day I met you.”  He put his arm around her, pulling her against his side.  “We went out on our first date and I came back on cloud nine.  The guys were ribbing me about getting so dreamy eyed over you and I told them that you were the one.  I hadn’t even kissed you yet, but I was certain that I’d found my soul mate.  They laughed and said that I was nuts.”  He smiled over at her.  “Now they know differently.”

She looked at him in surprise.  “You’re not nuts?”

“Of course I’m nuts.  I’m absolutely crazy.”  He leaned in and kissed her cheek.  “Crazy for you.” 

She was just about to comment on how corny that sounded when his fingers touched her chin.

He turned her face, making her meet his eyes.  “That’s never going to change, Lex.  I’m so in love with you that sometimes I can’t tell where I end and you begin.  I’ve always wanted that and I’m not going to let it go now.”

She gave him a small smile.  “Even when I freak out on you?”

“Even when you freak out on me.”  He laughed softly.  “It was kind of like a scene from that last book you wrote.  Until you started running through the house, I was waiting for you to throw the punch line at me.”

She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his neck.  “I’m so sorry, Joe.”

His hand ran up and down her back.  “It’s okay, babe.  I forgave you as soon as I found that broken bottle in my bag.”

She looked up at him.  “Next time, get plastic, okay?”

They laughed together, holding each other for a while before she calmed down enough to speak again.

“How long are you on break, Joe?”

“We’ve got two more weeks of vacation before we hit the road again.”  He pulled her into his lap and bent down to give her a light kiss.  “I don’t want to go.  It gets harder every time I have to leave you.”

An idea popped into her head and she mulled it over before deciding to go with it.  “Can I come with you this time?”

He gave her an odd look.  “You mean for a visit?  Of course.”

“No, I mean the whole ride.  All three months of shows.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that.  You’ve got your writing . . .”

“You’re not asking me.  I’m asking you.  Can I come with you this time?  You know I can write anywhere, as long as I have my laptop.”  She smiled as her hand came up to rest against his cheek.  “I do my best writing when I’m with you, anyway.”  Her eyes searched his.  “I don’t want to let you go this time, Joe.  I miss you too much when you’re gone.”

He stared at her for several minutes.  “You’re sure that’s what you want?”

“Being with you keeps me sane, Joe.  If putting up with weeks on a bus and all those cameras means that I get to have you close, then that’s definitely what I want.”  She grinned at him.  “You know I love those bus bunks.”

He grinned back, remembering the nights they’d spent curled together in the cramped sleeping space.  “Okay.  I’ll let Johnny know to expect a sixth this time around.  It shouldn’t be a problem.  Jace brought Kate with him last time, now it’s my turn.”

She smiled, then leaned in to kiss him before resting her head against his shoulder.  “No goodbyes this time.”

“No goodbyes.”  He thought for a moment.  “How about I reschedule our dinner for Friday night?  No point in keeping it a surprise since you already know about it.”

“Sounds wonderful.  Don’t tell me where we’re going, though.  At least that part can be a surprise.”

He nodded, his eyes trailing down to her lips before moving back up to her eyes.  His fingers grazed the sides of her face as they moved into her hair, pulling her to him for one of those kisses. 

She sighed contentedly against him, her fingers moving lightly across his chest as she returned the kiss with everything she had.

He deepened the contact and pulled her as close as he could.

An image of the diamond ring upstairs in his dresser flashed through his mind. 

She was soaring now, but come Friday night . . . he’d send her even higher.