He had eyes of steel blue, eyes that spoke volumes just by looking at you. In one glance he could tell you his deepest most inner secrets, secrets that he vowed never to utter to anyone.

            He looked out upon the hill, and glanced down toward the shore line where boats were lined up, waiting to be loaded with precious cargo. Somewhere down there, his destiny awaited him, yet he did not know it.

            He sat down on the raspy, green grass and pushed a hand through his hair and sighed. He closed his eyes, as he leaned back to take in the smell of the ocean.

            Long ago before he even came here, he remembered something that was not supposed to be remembered. He had vague images of a life that he knew he had lived, and could have sworn he knew.

            Much of his past remained unknown to all those who knew him, and if one tried to ask he did nothing but merely look the other way. He walked down the hill and onto the busy street to walk across the road to the local pub.

            As he entered the bell above the door twinkled, he felt himself getting agitated. He glanced around the bar, and found an empty spot by the bar. He smiled to himself and walked up to the stool, perching himself onto it.

            “So what’ll be today then?” the cheery, younger bartender asked him. He smiled his million dollar smile and glanced behind the man.

            “The usual Don,” he replied and Don nodded, walking away to make his drink. A few minutes later Don came back.

            “Here you are,” Don said placing the drink in front of him. “Now don’t it be like last time.”

            He rolled his eyes and just nodded as he took a sip of his drink. The minute he the cool, icy liquid ran down his throat, the memories flowed back to him, like a terrific river.

            “I’m not who you think I am,” he said, more to himself than anyone else. Everyone in the room looked at him with accusing eyes.

            “We’ve known you for a long time Jayce, some of us more than others,” Chris replied, “And this isn’t like you.”

            “Yeah it is,” he replied rolling his eyes as if they were all dumb. “This has always been me.”

            “No it hasn’t Jayce, stop lying to yourself,” this was the voice of his so-called best friend Justin, and there was a hint of anger to it.

            “I’m not lying!” He hollered, standing up and glaring at them all. “Why won’t you listen? This is me!”

            “Jayce…” Chris began standing up too and placing a hand on his arm, “Calm down, you’ve had too much to drink.”

            “Fuck off,” he hissed to his older friend, “You don’t know shit. So stop acting like you do.” And without another word he walked out of the room, leaving behind flames of anger as he did so.

            His third, no fourth, no fifth, he’d lost count. But as his next drink came all he could remember about that day were the ships on the dock and the smell of oil. His mind was so clogged up, full of shit, and he didn’t care.

            He’d tried countless times to fix the shit, trying to figure out how to clean it up. But every time he tried he messed up, now was one of those times.

            “Take me home sweetheart,” her voice said. It was a sugary sweet voice that uttered in his ear with plush softness. He smiled, and instead of answering her he just nodded. He finished his drink and turned to face the woman.

            She was tall, and the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, he smiled to himself and pulled to him for a sloppy kiss. She didn’t seem to mind, because she kissed him back hungrily, and before he knew it they were in a cab and heading somewhere, he just didn’t know where.

            They were all around him, suffocating him, wanting to know where he’d been last night. He sighed in frustration as he tried to push past them.

            “Josh please,” his mother pleaded and he rolled his eyes. He could not believe they’d called his mother this time.

            “Please what?” he snapped rather rudely, he had never been one to be rude to his mother but now he was.

            “Tell us what’s wrong, we can help,” she begged with tears in her voice and he just shook his head, no one could help him.

            “Nothing’s wrong,” he hissed and again tried to push away from the circle, but was stopped by his father.

            “Josh stop it.” His father demanded placing a stern hand on his chest to stop him. “Let us help you.”

            “Help me with what dad?” he asked angrily, “There is nothing to help me with, and I’m fine.”

            “You’re not, you’ve been like this ever since Celebrity gave out,” Johnny, their manager, interjected. He just snorted at that.

            “I am this,” he stated turning to look at Johnny, “So get that straight, this is me and always has been.”

            “No it isn’t Jayce,” Johnny replied, “Please let us help you, I know someone…”

            “I don’t give a shit who you know,” he snapped back, “Because I’m fine and I don’t need help!”

            He snapped his eyes open, as if woken from a horrid dream and looked around him. His surroundings were unfamiliar to him, and he began to panic, wondering what had happened.

            He looked to his left, and lying next to him, on her stomach, was a beautiful brunette, naked and content. He groaned and looked down at his own body, which was also bare of clothes. Crap, it had happened again.

            He sighed and slowly got up, and made sure not to make too much of ruckus as he got out of the bed and threw the sheets lightly back.

            He had done this many a time before, so now was just as easy as taking candy from a baby. He straightened himself out and stretched, looking around for the items that he’d been wearing the night before.

            In the corner of the room, on the old oak chair, he spotted his shirt and down by the foot of the bed, only mere feet away from him, lay his boxers and jeans. He reached over and slid back into his undergarments, then into his jeans before walking over and grabbing his shirt.

            As he pulled the shirt over his head, a sound came from the bed. A soft moaning sound, a sound of a woman waking up after sex. He turned and saw the woman staring at him, with the sheets pulled up to her chest.

            “Where are you going?” she whispered and he just shrugged.

            “I have an early meeting,” he lied like he’d been doing it his whole life, right down to the bone.

            “But it’s late,” she pointed out, and he looked at his watch. She was right it was past twelve.

            “Yeah but you know how it is in my line of work. Twelve o’clock is early,” he said producing his million dollar smile, hoping she’d accept this. She did and lay back down, not removing her eyes from him.

            “Then you’d better go or you’ll be late,” she said and he nodded as he made his way for the door.

            “I’ll call you,” he said and stepped out into the cold air knowing for a fact that he would never lay eyes on her again.

            He could feel his blood boiling as he sat on the phone with the representative from Jive. And it made him want to have a drink.

            “What do you mean not ready? I finished recording a week ago!” he snapped, his thread becoming extremely short.

            “I know, but there are complications that…” the man began but he cut him off, he did not want to hear it.

            “I don’t give a shit,” he snapped, “I don’t care what complications…”

            “Fine we’re holding out to see how well Justified does before…” the man began again in a panic.

            “I’m not Justin Timberlake!” he boomed into the phone, “I’m JC Chasez; get that into your head!”

            “I didn’t say…” the man tried again, but he cut him off by slamming the phone shut and reaching for a beer.

            He’d always hated been compared to Justin, ever day for the past ten years it had been like that. But Justin had been his friend, his best friend to be precise, so he’d just let it slip. But now things were different, he and Justin were no longer as close as he’d liked them to have been. And it was all because Justin had released his solo cd and reached super star status, leaving him out in the cold alone.

            “Turn that shit off!” he snapped turning his head to see who had turned on that God awful music.

            “It’s public property, they can listen to what ever they want,” a familiar voice said, he turned back to face the voice. It was the bar tender.

            “Not when it’s that shit,” he grumbled under his breath as the sounds of Justin belting out Cry Me A River filled the room.

            “That’s a pretty cool song,” the bartender commented and he just rolled his eyes.

            “It’s about how Brit decided she wanted to fuck Wade instead of him,” he replied bitterly taking a swig of his beer. The bartender looked at him with confusion.

            “Now that’s just making an assumption…” the bartender began.

            “No it’s not,” he snapped, “It’s the fucking truth.”

            “And how would you know?” the bartender laughed, but cut it short as he received a glare.

            “I had to live with the ass for ten fucking years of my life,” he snarled, “That’s how I fucking know okay? He used to be my best friend.”

            The bartender laughed and shook his head, “Yeah right. Keep dreaming Josh.”

            He was angry, as he usually was about these sorts of things.

            “Why do we have to take a break?” he snapped at Johnny and the rest of the guys.

            “Well Justin wants to…” Johnny began but was cut short by Justin.

            “I want to release a solo record,” Justin said softly, “Just to feel things out, I have a lot on my chest right now that I need to get out. With the break up and…”

            “What? Not getting enough attention being in the group?” he snarled bitterly and Justin protested.

            “No Jayce it’s not…” Justin began.

            “Don’t lie to me J,” he spat, “I’ve known you for too long to know when your lying.”

            “But I’m not!” Justin cried and he shook his head.

            “Yeah you are,” he stated, “Just tell us the fucking truth for once in your pathetic life.”

            “Jayce…” Johnny warned sternly, “Justin’s not lying, he’s telling the truth.”

            “He is Jayce,” came Lance’s voice from the corner of the room, “And I think we should support him and let him do it.”

            “Well then I want to do a solo record too,” he demanded and everyone looked at him in shock.

            “That’s a bit sudden Jayce...” Johnny said and he cut him off.

            “I don’t give a shit. Justin’s decision was sudden and I don’t see you complaining about it,” he snapped.

            “No Justin thought his decision out, you’re just doing it because of Justin,” Johnny replied calmly.

            “I do not make decisions because of Justin,” he hissed glaring at his friend. “If Justin is doing a solo record then so am I, end of story.”

            “Jayce you just can’t…” Johnny began but it was too late, he’d gotten up and left. Feeling even more angrier than when he came in.

            It wasn’t just the whole Justin situation that had pissed him off; it was more complex than that. But he couldn’t quite place his finger on it. His whole life he’d been feeling like that, like he didn’t belong.

            He took another sip of his drink, before putting it back down and decided he needed something stronger. He ordered a few shots of tequila.

            “And keep ‘em coming!” he hollered to the bartender. “Don’t let them get dried up!”

            “It’s expensive Josh,” the bartender tried to get him to stop his drinking for the night.

            “So what? I have the money to burn!” he snapped, annoyed that someone had not taken his orders.

            “Josh, please if you don’t keep it down I’ll have to call you know who,” the bartender tried again and he just shook his head.

            “No you won’t,” he replied with a laugh, “I fired him last week.”

            “You did?” the bartender asked, although he wasn’t surprised. “What happened now?”

            “Didn’t follow orders,” he slurred taking a drink and slamming the glass back onto the counter. “Where’s my drink!”

            “Josh, his orders are to protect you…” the bartender began and he shook his head.

            “Where’s my drink!” he demanded again ignoring the bartender’s last words.

            “I’m sorry Josh, but if he’s not around then you know the rules,” the bartender said, “No more alcohol.”

            “Shouldn’t have fired him then should I?” he asked in a slurred voice filled with amusement and the bartender shook his head.

            “No you shouldn’t have,” the bartender replied, and pulled his last drink out of his grasp.

            “I haven’t heard from him have you?” Chris asked Joey one day as they met up for an early morning breakfast. Joey shook his head and continued to munch on his breakfast burrito.

            “Nope,” Joey stated stuffing more of the dish into his mouth.

            “Wonder where he could be,” Chris muttered to himself more than Joey, “No one has seen him in ages, and he hasn’t even called his mother. That’s not normal.”

            “Jayce is not normal,” Joey stated and Chris laughed, that was true he wasn’t. But he soon became sombre again.

            “When was the last time anyone recalled seeing him?” Chris asked and Joey shrugged.

            “Last time I saw him was at the Vanity Fair party, and he looked like shit,” Joey commented.

            “Had he been drinking?” Chris asked and Joey nodded gulping down some juice.

            “Yeah like a bloody river,” Joey said and licked his lips. “That whole thing with J really bugged him out.”

            “I know man,” Chris agreed sipping his coffee, “Last time I saw him he didn’t even say hi. Just walked past me as if I didn’t exist.”

            “Something’s up with that,” Joey replied looking around him for more food. He was hungry today. “You gonna finish that?’ He gestured for Chris’ half eaten pancakes.

            “No,” Chris said shaking his head and pushing the plate to Joey. “Have J and Lance seen or spoken to him?”

            “Not that I know,” Joey replied, “But last thing I did hear about that whole Super bowl fiasco.”

            “Yeah apparently he called J and went ballistic,” Chris finished, “He was pretty upset.”

            “I would be if I was him,” Joey commented and begun on the pancakes.

            “So would I,” Chris replied, “But just disappearing like that?”

            “I dunno,” Joey said, “Maybe he felt like he needed to get away.”

            “Yeah but where to?” Chris questioned and Joey shrugged, he had no idea.

            He left the bar, and very unsteadily made it out the door and into the street. He swayed this way and that, until he walked into the small light provided by a nearby lamp post.

He shaded his eyes from the light and looked up and down the street, wondering where to go from here. A few feet away he spotted a bar, and smiled to himself as he began making what seemed like the longest walk down the street.

He entered the new bar, which thankfully for him had no Justin music blaring from the speakers. He nodded in approval as he walked towards the dimly lit bar and sat on the nearest stool.

            “One beer over here!” he called, and the new bartender turned to face him with a disapproving look.

            “You’ve been drinking too much tonight,” the bartender said, “Sorry but I can’t...”

            “What’s wrong with you people?” he bellowed, “Can’t a guy get a drink?”

            “He can, if he’s sober enough to remember it,” the bartender replied calmly. “You buddy have had too much.”

            “I’m not your buddy!” he yelled at the top of his lungs, “I’m no one’s buddy!”

            “You mean there’s no one I can call for you?” the bartender asked and he shook his head.

            “Nope, every last one of them deserted me,” he whispered, his voice becoming harsh and bitter.