Chapter 5.
He re-opened his eyes and looked around the room. The first face he wanted to see was Justin’s, and when he glanced at his best friend he saw the ashen look upon his face.
“J?” he asked with uncertainty matching in his voice, fear written clearly along his features.
“I never knew you felt that way about our friendship Jayce,” Justin said in a quiet voice. He looked at Justin and sighed.
“It’s not all the time J,” he began slowly and Justin looked at him. “It’s only recent, when I feel down on myself.”
“No Jayce,” Justin said stopping him and looking at him with warm blue eyes. “I thought our friendship was stronger than that, I thought you’d see past all that.”
“I wanted to,” he whispered in a small voice, “I really did. But you just don’t understand how hard it was. Every day people telling me I wasn’t you, even when I was in here.”
“I can’t help who I am,” Justin whispered back and he nodded in acknowledgement.
“I know J,” he replied softly. “And that’s what made it even worse for me. I knew you had nothing to do with it, it was all me.”
“It wasn’t all you JC,” the doctor interrupted and both men glanced at her, almost forgetting she was there.
“It was,” he sighed and looked at Justin. “It was because of my own self confidence that I began drinking. I never believed in myself, and I think I still don’t.”
“Well you should,” Justin answered in a whisper, “you should always believe in yourself, because you’re worth it.”
Justin had left a few good hours ago, and now he was left alone to contemplate what had been said. Even though Justin’s words had not been harsh ones, he had still felt the blow of them and the confusion that came as the added bonus.
He knew that when he’d told Justin about his feelings, displayed himself openly on the canvas, that his friend was also hurting. Unawares of how harmful his superstardom could be. He also knew he shouldn’t blame Justin for that, but as hard as he tried, he just couldn’t stop.
“Great,” he muttered to himself as he paced up and down the tiny excuse for a room, unable to shake that certain feeling. “If I know it isn’t J’s fault, then why do I feel like it is?” He let out an aspirated sigh and flopped down on the bed.
“Started to talking to our selves have we?” He groaned, it was Jake. “You know what they say about people who talk to themselves right?”
“What do you want?” he asked closing his eyes, hoping Jake would go away so he would have a few minutes to think more about his friendship.
“Nothing, I just heard you talking to yourself and I thought I’d come check it out,” Jake replied, there was a slight smirk in his voice.
“Well you saw,” he replied not looking behind him to where Jake had latched himself to the door. “Now you can go.”
“Good,” Jake replied, but he knew Jake hadn’t left.
“Why haven’t you gone yet?” he asked not turning around as he heard Jake walk into the room.
“I thought I could help you,” Jake replied and he turned to face him.
“I don’t need your help,” he replied with a growl, getting agitated by the man who’d just invaded his space. “How many times do I need to say that? You’re not the doctor here.”
“Ah, but I bet you wish I was,” Jake replied with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. He just rolled his eyes.
“Why? So you can make me more corrupt than I already am?” he asked evenly and Jake shook his head.
“No, because who was the one who got you where you are today?” Jake asked and it was his turn to shake his head.
“You didn’t get me anywhere,” he replied angrily, “I got here all by myself, by making realizations by myself thank you very much.”
“Oh you’re one smart alec Chasez,” Jake laughed and looked at him. “Do you really think you got where you are all by your pretty self?”
“I know I did,” he growled, not even hinting to Jake that he knew he was right.
“Fine then,” Jake replied seeing the seriousness in his features. “But the sooner you realize that you’re not a one show man, the better off you’ll be.”
“Well thanks for the advice Doctor,” he replied sarcastically rolling his eyes, “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Good,” Jake said with a satisfied grin, not catching the sarcasm. “I think I’ll go now, Oprah is on.”
He took in a deep breath and tried not to think about what was going on around him. Eyes bore into him, some accusingly others not. He didn’t know what to think. He took another breath before anyone spoke.
“We didn’t know you felt like that Josh,” his mother said quietly glancing down at her hands, not knowing if her son wanted to look at her.
He shrugged and looked at her. “I’ve always felt like this mom,” he whispered and glanced around, “I’ve just been really good at hiding it.”
“Yeah, we know,” came the low grumble from one of his friends and he sighed.
“I thought you only felt that way about our friendship,” Justin put-in and he sadly shook his head.
“No,” he said and looked down guiltily at his shoes. “It’s been a mixture of things, and I don’t think that you becoming as popular as you are helped.” Each word was like acid to a wound.
“I can’t help who I am,” Justin whispered and he nodded in understanding.
“I know you can’t,” he replied sadly, “That’s what makes it even worse.” There were tears forming at the back of his throat now, and he wondered how to stop them.
“It doesn’t make it worse,” his father cut in softly, “It just makes things harder doesn’t it?”
“Yes it does,” Dr Halley put-in cutting into the on going conversation. “It makes things harder for JC because it’s another obstacle he has to over come.”
“And what if he can’t over come it?” It was his brother’s turn to ask questions. The doctor turned to face JC.
“JC can you over come it?” she asked evenly not for one second taking her eyes off him. He sighed; he could feel her eyes boring into him with such intensity he looked down at his feet.
“I want to…” he began but she softly but firmly cut him off.
“JC you can’t hesitate, this is a decision that can cost you a lot more than just your memory,” the doctor said and he nodded.
“I know,” he whispered and looked back up at his family and friends. “I just don’t know if I can do it.”
In his dreams he felt as if he could feel it, grabbing at the back of his throat. Strangling him, urging him to break the rules he’d set for himself over the past few days.
The words the doctor had said, haunted him as they tore into his soul. Both of these things mixing and churning to make a concoction that was even deadlier than poison.
He sat right up, and began to panic, his heart racing faster than his mind to catch up with. He was sweating heavily and found his eyes darting around the room, trying to place himself.
The heart slowed down as his mind registered where he was. He let out a sigh of relief and lay back down again. Afraid to close his eyes again, he just lay there and listened, listened to his heart slowing down.
Could he over come this? He wondered if it would be like this every night, every day, as he fought for his sanity and his control. He thought of what the doctor said, and realised she was right.
If he could not over come this, then he’d be loosing a lot more than just his memory. He could lose his family, his friends and more importantly he could loose his brothers.
He could feel his breath disappearing again as he thought of this. The possibility of losing his life, the ones he cared about the most. Once, long ago he may not have cared as much, but now he did. He cared more than anything.
He didn’t want to loose his career over something like this; he’d worked too hard at it. But wasn’t his career part of the problem? He closed his eyes and thought for a second, everything seemed to point that way. He was always being compared to his friend, the tabloids and media pressured him to be perfect. Just thinking about all that he could feel the cravings slowly creep up on him.
He shook his head, trying to get rid of the feeling. It was then that he knew the problem was more layered than that, like a complex cake. He just didn’t know exactly what those layers were.
