Chapter 6.

            The feeling had come back, that horrible craving. The one that used to taste so sweet in his mouth, now tasted so foul and he couldn’t get rid of it.

            He scratched the itch on his shoulder intensely, almost as much as to make it bleed. He needed to get rid of this foul taste in his mouth, and it needed to happen fast.

            “I need to get out,” he grumbled to himself falling out of the small bed. “This place is killing me.” He regained his balance and rubbed his eyes, standing straight up.

            He looked around him, getting his bearings for a second then took a deep breath in as he headed for the door.

            “Where do you think you’re going?” It was Davie. He sighed and thought fast for an excuse.

            “Need some air,” he mumbled back, “Just going for a walk around the grounds.” He saw Davie give him a sceptical look, almost as if he didn’t believe him.

            “Just a walk eh?” Davie’s voice was inked with question, he nodded furiously.

            “Yup, just a walk. Don’t worry I’ll be right back,” he replied and rolled his eyes for effect. He heard Davie sigh and sit back down again.

            “Okay then, but 15 minutes then you gotta be back ok?’ Davie asked and he sighed.

            “Yes Lonnie,” he replied sarcastically and walking away. As he did so he heard Davie chuckle.

            He knew he shouldn’t have even thought about stepping outside but his body was not listening to his head. He picked up his pace, even though he wanted to slow down and turn back.

            Where would he go now? He looked up and noticed himself nearing the main gates, obviously they wouldn’t let him out. But he needed to get out, he didn’t care how, he just needed to.

            “Where do you think you’re going? Does your supervisor know?” One of the guards asked as he approached.

            “Yeah he does actually,” he replied rolling his eyes. “He actually wanted me to go down and pick up some cigarettes for him, he’s too tired.” The lies were rolling off his tongue again, blending in with his personality again. The guard laughed, and he could feel the knot tighten in his stomach.

            “Yeah he always is, even his last charge said that,” the guard said with a laugh, he heard the gates creek open. “Okay then off you go, but come back in five ok?”

            He smiled gratefully at the guard, and gave him a nod. “Sue thing,” he said, spilling on the charm. “I’ll be right back.” He wasn’t.

            It wasn’t long before he found it; actually it was only a mere five minute walk from the gates. Along a dusty path and past some heavy bushes and there it was. Beaming at him with all it glory, calling out to him, and giving him a hand in. A hand which he took.

            The minute he walked in he felt right at home, the familiar smell of alcohol filled his nostrils and making his taste buds go crazy. He eyed the bar and found the closest empty seat and hurriedly sat down on it.

            “What can I get you?” He looked up and the friendly bartender smiled at him, wanting to help him. If only he knew he wasn’t helping him, not at all.

            “The largest keg of beer you can lay your eyes on,” he replied in a small voice, almost afraid to be heard. The bartender nodded, not caring that what he was asking for was a bad, bad idea.

            “Sure thing. Hard day at work eh?” the bartender replied venturing off to fill the order not hearing the smallness of his voice.

            He nodded silently and stared ahead of him, the craving getting larger and larger with every moment.

            “Josh! Josh wake up!” His eyes snapped open as he hazily sat up, wondering where he was.

            “Where the hell am I?” he grumbled looking around and for some reason not registering anything in his brain.

            “Where are you?” His mother’s voice repeated, it was glazed over with iciness. “You’re back home. Or do you not remember where that is?”

            “Now, now Karen don’t be so harsh on the boy,” his father’s softer toned voice interrupted.

            “Not be so hard? Don’t tell me how to discipline my son Roy!” Karen snapped back. “I come in here to clean out YOUR mess and what do I find? I find my drunken son that’s what. I find him here instead of where he’s supposed to be. In rehab getting over this problem.”

            “Mom? Dad?” he asked, his eyes adjusting more to the light in the room and looking up to see the frazzled figures of his mother and father. “How the hell..”

            “Did you get here?” Karen snapped glaring at him. “That’s a very good question Josh, why don’t you tell us that?”

            “I don’t remember,” he answered shaking his head not able to remember how in hell’s name he’d ended up back home.

            “No, of course not. You were drunk, as always,” Karen muttered back but Roy placed a calming hand on her shoulder and looked intensely at his son.

            “Josh,” Roy began and sat down next to his son. “As you can tell, your mother is very upset. What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in rehab? And how did you get out of there?”

            He looked at his father and placed his head in his hands, this was all too much for him. All these questions, his head was hurting to much.

            “Can I get an Advil or something?” he asked softly, not looking up.

            “Karen, get him an Advil or two then we can talk about this properly,” Roy said softly to his wife, who just gave a disgruntled snort but went off to find her son a painkiller anyway. “Josh? Do you remember anything from last night?” He looked up at his father and shook his head softly.

            “No dad, sorry,” he whispered as his mother rushed back in with a glass of water and two Advil. “I don’t. I don’t remember a thing.”

            There were stares the moment he walked back in, everyone staring and boring holes into his back. Accusing him, blaming him for making them worry and loose track of their own lives. And he felt as guilty as hell about it.

            “Ah JC,” Dr Halley said as he walked in with his father, her voice was not at all pleasant. “I’m glad you came back.”

            “I’m sorry,” he mumbled under his breath not daring to look up, because he knew she would bore him with questions that he couldn’t answer.

            “I bet you are. I’m glad you’re father decided to bring you back, if I were him I wouldn’t have cared a shit,” the doctor replied in an even voice, she was telling him the truth and he knew it.

            “Neither would I,” he whispered back lowering his head more

            “So why did you Roy?” the doctor asked his father, he heard Roy sigh.

            “Because as much as what you say is true doctor, I should have left him if he didn’t want to be helped. But I love him, he’s my son,” Roy replied softly and Dr Halley nodded.

            “And that’s the exact reason why you should have done it Roy. Because you love him, and want him to have another fighting chance. Right JC?” She asked and he looked up for the first time. He saw her hazy green eyes stone over with authority.

            “Yeah,” he whispered back, and he swore he saw her smile ever so slightly.

            “JC, we need to talk about your little trip. I hope you don’t plan on making them permanent?” Dr Halley asked once his father had left and they were alone. He looked up at her and she didn’t smile.

            “No,” he hushed and looked back down at his shoes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

            “What happened JC?” the doctor asked him, intertwining her fingers together.

            “The craving, it came back,” he whispered in a scared voice, “And I couldn’t stop it.”

            “JC, I understand that. Sometimes our cravings come back to us, badly, but we have to try and control them,” Dr Halley replied with a bit of sympathy but he shook his head at her.

            “No you don’t understand,” he managed to croak; the tears were welling up in his throat so fast. He knew he had done something terrible this time, something he couldn’t make right. “I wanted to stop, really I did. I just couldn’t, it wouldn’t let me as hard as I tried.”

            “That means you wanted to let it get to you JC,” the doctor responded, and he knew, deep down inside him he knew she was telling the truth.

            “I know,” he whispered, “But it wasn’t like that honestly.”

            “Really?” the doctor raised and eyebrow at him and he nodded. He wanted to make her believe him, because for once part of what he was saying was the truth.

            “Yes really,” he said with a firm nod. “Even though it may not seem so plausible to you, it’s plausible to me.”

            “I know it is JC,” the doctor answered, “So maybe you just have to find another way to make this more believable to me than it is right now?” He looked up at the doctor and nodded.

            “Yeah,” he understood he had to. “I guess that’s what I’ll have to do then.”

            The phone call came through to Dr Halley’s office around nine that night, and was relayed back to him half an hour later. He was lying in bed, thinking about his mistake knowing it had been a bad one. Worse than the times before, but he just couldn’t remember it, when Davie walked in with the news.

            “I got some news for you.” This time there was no hint of friendliness in Davie’s voice. He slowly sat up and looked at Davie.

            “What is it?” there was a glum tone to his voice, no one wanted to make pleasant tonight.

            “Dr Halley just received a phone call,” Davie began not taking his eyes off him. He shrugged and lay back down.

            “So what does that have to do with me?” he asked staring blankly at the ceiling.

            “It has everything to do with you,” Davie stated. He growled under his breath, the events of last night were making him grumpy. “It came from the hospital.”

            The word hospital made his stomach lurch, he hated hospitals. From their smell right down to the fact that where ever you looked you saw a needle.

            “I still don’t get what...” he began but Davie cut him off angrily.

            “Your friend Justin…” Davie stated, he growled even more.

            “What about J?” he asked not getting up or even looking in Davie’s direction.

            “There was an accident last night, the night you got out,” Davie said, and he sat bolt up right.

            “What? Is J okay?” he asked, the panic in his voice apparent. That feeling of loosing his brothers was coming back to him fast.

            “They wouldn’t tell us, all they said was Justin was in an accident,” Davie said softly hearing the panic in his voice. “JC…”

            “Oh my God,” he said in just about a whisper. “I hope he’s okay. He’s gotta be okay.” Images of past and present and future with his friend went flying rapidly through his mind.

            “No JC.”

            “Why the hell not?” he sat opposite Dr Halley with his eyes flaring with anger. After hearing the news about his friend, this is where he’d come. “Why can’t I see him? He’s my best friend for God’s sake!”

            “I know what relationship the two of you have JC,” the doctor replied evenly glaring at him, “But do you honestly think the board will let me let you out of here after the last stunt you pulled?”

            “No but...” he began but she cut him off.

            “No JC, no buts,” she answered looking at him, “After yesterday’s stunt there is no way you are getting out of here.”

            “Not even with supervision?” he asked, his voice raising and the doctor shook her head.

            “No, not even with supervision JC,” she answered back, “Because for all we know you could disappear on us again. How do we know you wont come back?’

            “I will!” he pleaded, “It’s just to see my friend, please?”

            “No,” she said with no room for argument and he sighed.

            “How will I know if he’s okay?” he asked, bowing his head down to look at his shoes.

            “I guess you’ll have to hear about it on the phone,” Dr Halley said standing up, “I’m really sorry JC, really I am.” And for once he didn’t believe a word she said.

            He didn’t hear from anyone, not that day or the next, nor the day after that and he had this sneaking suspicion that everyone was avoiding him. Even Jake and Davie seemed to keep their distance, as if they were afraid of him, like he’d done something terrible.

            “Why is everyone avoiding me?” he asked Davie as they walked the halls, Davie keeping his distance.

            “They’re not JC,” Davie lied, his pace was getting slower. He stopped and turned to face Davie.

            “Don’t lie to me Davie,” he replied looking at the man before him, “I can feel everyone keeping their distance, even Jake who seems to like to cling to me like a leech.”

            “Jake is having his own issues to deal with right now,” Davie answered in a tight lipped response, “Not everything revolves around you you know.”

            “I’m not saying it does,” he snarled and turned back around, “It just feels as if I have some terrible disease no one wants to tell me about.”

            “It has nothing to do with you JC,” Davie said from behind him as they continued walking, “People just have their own problems to think about.”

            “And what are ours?” he asked wondering if this may make Davie confess.

            “What do you mean? I don’t have any problems,” Davie responded tensely and he gave a haughty laugh.

            “Then why are you acting just like them? Avoiding me like the plague?” he asked and Davie shrugged.

            “I’m not avoiding you, I’m right here aren’t I?” Davie questioned and he nodded.

            “I guess you are,” he replied, he didn’t mention that it just didn’t feel right.

            It wasn’t until later on that he finally was told what was going on, and when he heard about it it sent chills up his spine.

            “JC, we need to talk.” He sat up and glanced at the door where the doctor had poked her head in. “Mind if I come in?” He grunted with a shrug.

            “Sure,” he replied and swung his feet over the side of the bed. Dr Halley gave a weak smile and walked in, sitting nervously on the end of the spare chair in the room. “What is it?”

            “JC,” the doctor began and placed her hands in her lap before looking at him, “I wanted to talk to you about your group therapy sessions this week.”

            “What about them? They’re tomorrow right?’ he questioned wondering where this was all going, he looked around him as the doctor nodded.

            “They are,” she replied, “But I just wanted to ask you not to keep your hopes up to high.”

            “What do you mean?” he wanted to know rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

            “Well I just got a phone call from your father,” the doctor replied, “And I don’t think many of your friends will be able to make it.”

            “Of course not,” he replied rolling his eyes at her as if she was dumb, “J’s just been in an accident, that’s where most of them should be unlike me.”

            “Yes but JC,” the doctor began looking at him, “There’s more to it than that.”

            “What are you talking about?” he asked in an angry voice. “My friend is hurt, so they should be there not here.”

            “I know,” she answered and looked around her, wondering what to say, “But there are rumours JC, rumours concerning you and the accident.”

            “What? What are you talking about? You must be mad I was…” he began but she cut him off abruptly.

            “Yes, we know where you were. You had escaped the center that night remember?” she said looking at him pointedly and he sighed, he knew that.

            “I know,” he answered lowering his head guiltily, “But what that has to do with…”

            “They say you were there JC,” the doctor said getting up and walking over to him. “People are claiming they saw you at the accident.”

            “Who’s everyone?” He was almost afraid to ask and the doctor sighed as she sat next to him on the bed and placed a hand on his shoulder.

            “The news JC,” she answered. “The news and your friends, everyone is...”

            “No but I wasn’t there,” he denied, “I would remember if I was!”

            “I know but you don’t remember anything from that night,” she said softly, “For all you know you could have been there. Do you remember what I told you JC?”