Chapter 8.

He tried not to think about what Chris had said, blaming him, pointing the finger at him, telling him it was his fault Justin was where he was, even though he didn’t remember a moment of it.

Now he sat back and closed his eyes, trying to remember, trying to bring back some hint of a memory so he could prove to himself and everyone else that it didn’t happen. That he hadn’t hurt his best friend.

He sighed, and opened his eyes, who was he kidding? He couldn’t remember even if he tried. He would never remember, and that was a price he’d have to pay.

“JC?” Dr Halley cut through his thoughts and he turned to look at her, “Can we get back to topic please?”

“Um, yeah sure,” he nodded and sat up a bit straighter, “What did you ask again?”

“I didn’t ask you anything, I just saying that we needed to get to the root of your problem so that you can solve this problem with Justin,” the doctor replied and he rolled his eyes.

“I don’t have a problem WITH Justin,” he said with sarcasm, “I have a problem with people accusing me of landing him in hospital.”

“You know that’s what I meant JC,” the doctor replied, her patience wearing thin as she flipped open her note book. He sighed and glanced down at his shoes.

“Yeah I know, sorry,” he whispered before looking up at her. “So…”

“So why do you think you started drinking?” she asked and he shrugged.

“Apart from the reason we’ve already discussed before? Being compared to J?” he asked and she nodded in reply. “I don’t know.”

“Yes you do JC, sub-consciously you know. You just have to search for the answer,” she answered softly, while writing notes in the note book.

“But what if I’m scared to go there?” he asked and looked away, not wanting her to see how scared he was.

“I know you maybe scared JC,” she said with a soft smile, “But you have to over come that fear, because you need to go there. Why are you scared to go there?”

“Because I don’t know what my sub-conscious will tell me, and that frightens me,” he hushed and closed his eyes again. “What if it’s something I don’t want to accept?”

“Well then I’ll help you to accept it,” the doctor said, now looking up from her notes she leaned across the table and placed a hand on his arm.

“Thanks,” he replied with a small smile, hoping that he could accept whatever his conscious was about to tell him.

“Josh, what are you doing?” his mother asked walking into the room to find him cradling a bottle of beer. He looked up, and she could see the effects the alcohol was beginning to take on him in his eyes. “Josh?”

“Nuthin’ mom,” he slurred and turned his attention back to his drink. Karen sighed and walked over to him. The tour had been over for a month now, and every day she’s come home to find him sitting in that same position.

“Honey, is everything alright?” she asked, and placed a hand on his shoulder that seemed to shake violently as soon as she touched it.

“Yes mom,” he slurred again and glared at her, “Everything’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” she questioned with a frown. “Josh, you’ve been acting like this for weeks now.” He shrugged, not really answering her question and she sighed.

Deep down inside of her she knew what was really bugging him, but didn’t want to admit it.

“I’m fine, mother,” he hissed, this time not even looking at her but at the table top instead. She shook her head, knowing she had to apologize before this got worse.

“Josh, I know you’re mad at everyone for not having the time…” she began but he cut her off, glaring at her angrily.

“The time? Mom, I haven’t seen you guys in like three months, and when I finally do come back here to spend time with you, you all rush off, like I’m some sort of plague. So don’t tell me about time you’ve spent with me because it’s been nothing,” he snapped and took another swig of his drink, “First the guys now you, I feel abandoned by everyone mom. Especially my family.”

His family. He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. His family. The words kept running through his head like headless chickens. He sighed and lay back down, but quickly got back up again.

Shit, he thought to himself, he couldn’t go on like this. Having these dreams that would only haunt him in the long run. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and pulled on a pair of pants.

He ran a hand through his mangled hair and made his way out of the room, but not before Davie stopped him.

“Hold up,” Davie said placing a hand on his chest to stop him, “Where do you think you’re going this time? And don’t give me shit about going for another walk.” He glared at Davie and pushed his hand away before speaking.

“I’m going to find Dr Halley,” he hissed and tried to push past Davie, who didn’t believe him. “What? You don’t believe me? Fine, then go find her for me then, I’ll just wait here!” He stood back and crossed his arms over his chest defiantly, as he glared at Davie.

“Fine, wait here,” Davie answered giving in. “Wait here.” Davie shuffled off to find the doctor and as he did so he rolled his eyes.

After a few minutes of waiting Davie came back and motioned for him to follow.

“Okay I found her, let’s go,” Davie said in a gruff voice. He nodded and said nothing as he followed Davie down the hall, after a few minutes the reached the doctor’s office. “In you go.” Davie gestured for him to go in, he rolled his eyes again and pushed past Davie ready to tell the doctor about his dream.

“JC?” There was surprise question in Dr Halley’s voice as he walked into the room. “What can I do for you?” She placed the book she was reading back down on the desk and swung her legs back down off the table.

“I, um, I think my conscious talked to me last night,” he answered getting right to the point as he sat down in the chair opposite her. Dr Halley looked at him, with an eyebrow raised.

“Really?” she asked and shifted through her drawers for his file. Once she found it she placed it on her desk and opened it, ready to take notes. “And what did it, um, tell you?”

“Well, I had a dream last night,” he began, knowing that would be the best way to explain it to her.

“Okay, and what happened in the dream?” the doctor asked looking at him; he took a deep breath in before continuing.

“It was about when I began drinking,” he replied, “And my mom was in it, asking me if I had a problem.”

“And what did you tell her? In your dream,” Dr Halley asked writing down his response.

“I told her that I felt abandoned by my family and friends,” he told her, and looked at his hands that lay in his lap.

“Why did you feel abandoned by them?” Dr Halley asked not removing her eyes from her paper.

“Well, I um, I guess...well, the tour had just ended and I went back home to see my family but when I got there I felt as if no one cared that I was back, I felt invisible,” he whispered so low that she barely made out what he said.

“Okay, and was it always like that? That you felt invisible at home?” she asked softly looking at him, not wanting him to blow a fuse. He shook his head and looked out the window behind her.

“No,” he answered, “It wasn’t always like that, just that one time. And when I tried to call the guys, they were all busy with their stuff so….” His voice trailed off a he turned to look at her.

“So you began drinking,” she finished for him knowing they weren’t talking about the dream anymore. He nodded and looked at her intensely.

“I just guess, my whole life I’ve never been alone you know? I mean I was either in Mouse Club with all those kids, or with the group, that when I finally was alone I didn’t know how to handle it,” he finished and the doctor nodded in understanding as she wrote something down on her pad.

“Okay,” the doctor nodded and finished writing before looking up. “Do you want to hear what I think? It may not be what you want to hear but do you want to anyway?”

“Yeah,” he replied with a nod, “If you think it’ll help then yeah.”

“Okay then. Well I think that once you became alone like that, for the first time, you started drinking because you didn’t know another way to handle it,” the doctor began, “But it’s okay because most addicts do that, they take solace in something because they think it’ll take the pain or hurt away, and I’m guessing it was the same with you. Am I right?”

He looked at the doctor in shock; she’s hit the nail right on the head. He nodded.

“Yeah, um, pretty much I guess,” he responded and the doctor smiled softly. “I guess I started drinking because I thought it would make me happier.”

“Did it make you feel the same when the feelings about Justin came about?” the doctor asked gently and he sighed.

“No, that was a bit different,” he whispered.

“How so?” she wanted to know, he sighed again and looked at her.

“By that point I was drinking non-stop, it was my way of blocking things out,” he began slowly, “And I just became angrier when I drank, angrier at always being compared to Justin, it felt as if I wasn’t allowed to be myself anymore.”

“So you wanted to prove to the world that you should be allowed to be yourself?” she wanted to know and he nodded.

“Yeah I guess,” he responded with a shrug.

“So the reason for drinking changed?” she asked and he nodded.

“I guess so right?” he replied, “Because at first I was drinking because I thought it’d make me happier and less lonely then I was just drinking to block out my feelings, so I would forget everything.”

“In a way it’s sort of the same JC,” the doctor said looking at him, he looked back at her confused.

“What do you mean?” he asked with a furrowed brow.

“The reason didn’t change, only the situation did. In the first situation you felt lonely and abandoned, where as in the second situation you felt angry and confused. But in both cases you still drank, you drank to get away from both situations, and what made it worse for you was that both situations were laid out close in time,” the doctor explained, he nodded slowly comprehending what she just said.

“So how do I change?” he asked her, “How do I stop my cravings from creeping up on me like they did the last time? I mean, you seem to know get it pretty much so tell me.”

“Well, I’m not sure I get it as much as you say. But I do understand where you’re coming from more now,” she told him as she intertwined her fingers, “So that will help us in the long run as far as your recovery goes.”

“Yes, but how can I recover?” he wanted to know looking at her desperately. She smiled at him and placed a hand on his arm.

“JC, you won’t recover that quickly,” she clarified, “It takes time, time we’re willing to give you here. All you have to do is work with us.” He looked back at her and nodded, understanding what she was saying but there was one small hitch, he wasn’t really sure if they had that time.