Whilst in our heated argument I gave up I couldn’t take the stress of being your girlfriend anymore I let out the sigh that was held in for so long
‘Justin do what you do I’ll do what I do’
‘What the fuck does that mean?’
‘Read between the lines smart ass that’s it’
‘So I’m not good enough’
‘You are there’s just a lot of bad stuff that is bringing me down’
‘Bad the good was great afterwards’
‘I need time like any other stressed out human would’
‘Fuck it Anita ill just go home’
‘Yeah Justin fuck it’ I don’t know if it was you or me but the phone went dead. I chucked the phone to the opposite seat gripping the steering wheel tighter the tears fell freely on their own with a mind of their own no matter how many times I wiped them away they produced more and more and blurred my vision. Thinking of what you said didn’t help and made me angrier that my foot was applying more pressure on the gas.
I shook my head constantly telling myself that this was it no more Justin, life without Justin life where he had moved on without me life where I wouldn’t exist. But I couldn’t live life without you Justin you might have but I couldn’t I leaned over for my phone taking my eyes off the road, that split second was enough for God to show me my past life.
My past life where you came in the afternoon we took the wrong groceries, our faces red with embarrassment, when we had to return the bags half empty. The next image was the first date at Krispy Kreme since it was the only shop left open that late that night opened a whole new world for me and you and I could see from the way your eyes danced around.
That night leading onto our first kiss and our first night together, though it seemed like the worst regretful thing we thought we could ever do we rose we rose from what our family said and began the relationship the month later.
The images were all a blur but I understood them all I understood the fights the arguments the disagreements the time apart it all made sense now it made sense why we always stuck together reassured each other that tomorrow would be a better day.
But my understanding was all too late, it was too late for me to say I love you too late for me to kiss your lips or give you the hug I need and you would need. Everything was too late. The kisses the nights we shared the hugs the love all hit me at once the same time I hit the tree.
The tree…the pain wasn’t there it was happiness it was my love for you which made the pain peaceful.
I didn’t try to stay awake I didn’t try to talk or cry out for help. The one thing I do wish for is for you to have your arms round me like I see now. It’s not real I’m alone but I see you I hear you talking to me to stay awake but it’s not you it can’t be it’s my wish. My wish that I know will not come true but I say I love you I give you the kiss and the warmth from it all makes me open my eyes to the world around me. I’m still here I’m by the tree in your arms Justin I see you it is you. And as I slowly slipped away I smile and tell you I love you and you say it back hoping that I would hear it and I do Justin I say it again.
Because I truly do Justin I really do love you and even though I didn’t wish for my life to flash before my eyes it did and it helped me to follow the angel that was always there for the both of us I do love you Justin I’m not confused I’m not dazed or even shocked I understand it all. With my very last bit of strength I reach up and touch your heart and that love took me all the way to heaven.
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