Chapter 7

A WEEK LATER JUSTIN DECIDED THAT HE WASN'T WAITING FOR THE CHEMO TO MAKE HIS HAIR FALL SO HE SHAVED HIS ENTIRE HEAD AND 3 DAYS AFTER THAT DR. NICOLETTI TOLD THE TIMBERLAKES THAT UNFORTUNATELY THE CHEMOTHERAPY WASN'T WORKING. HE WENT ON ABOUT HOW JUSTIN'S BODY WAS REJECTING THE CHEMICALS AND HOW THEY SHOULD TRY OTHER TYPES OF TREATMENT

Justin: no

Lynn: Justin if the doctor says it's good for you then we

Justin: no, we have to face the fact that nothing is going to help me

Dr. nicoletti: well with other types of treatments we can buy you a couple of more days even weeks

Justin: that won't be necessary, I will be ok, we'll be ok

ON THE WAY BACK HOME MARIAM DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, SHE COULDN'T EVEN BRING HERSELF TO SAY ANYTHING IN DR. NICOLETTI'S OFFICE, EVERY SECOND SHE WAS WISHING IT WAS HER DYING INSTEAD OF HIM. THEY FINALLY GOT HOME AND IT LOOKED LIKE MARIAM WAS THE ONE SICK INSTEAD OF JUSTIN. WITHOUT SAYING ONE WORD TO ANYBODY SHE WENT INSIDE THE HOUSE AND SAT ON THE SOFA. LYNN NOTICED THAT SHE WAS IN ANOTHER WORLD BECAUSE ALL MARIAM WAS DOING WAS STARING AT NOTHING. SHE UNDERSTOOD THAT HER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW NEEDED TO BE ALONE

Lynn: Justin how about we go to Starbucks and get some coffee?

Justin: mom I don't really feel like going to anywhere

Lynn: are you saying no to your mother?????

Justin: of course not. Let's go

LYNN CLOSED THE FRONT DOOR BEHIND HER HOPING THAT BY BEING ALONE FOR A WHILE MARIAM WOULD REACT AND DEAL WITH THINGS. STILL SHE DIDN'T FEEL QUITE SURE OF MARIAM BEING COMPLETELY ALONE SO SHE ENDED UP TEXT MESSAGING NATALIA

Natalia: what's that sound?

Dominick: is your cell phone

Natalia: well don't freaking stand there looking like an idiot. Go get it or do you want me to get up while I'm breastfeeding your daughter?

DJ RAN TO GET THE CELL PHONE WHILE NATALIA WONDERED WHY IN THE WORLD SHE MARRIED HIS SLOW ASS

Dominick: you got a text message

NATALIA PRESSED THE UPPER RIGHT BUTTON TO VIEW THE MESSAGE. SHE NOTICED IT WAS FROM LYNN AND IT SAID IT'S LYNN GO 2 MARIAM'S HOUSE NOW. IT WORRIED HER SO SHE DECIDED TO GO AS SOON AS SHE WAS DONE WITH LITTLE VERONICA

MARIAM HAD BEEN SEATED ON THE SAME SOFA STARING AT NOTHING FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES BEFORE SHE DECIDED TO GO STRAIGHT TO THEIR MINI BAR AND GET A GLASS OF WHISKY. THE GLASS DID NOT TOUCH HER LIPS INSTEAD SHE RAISED IT, THREW IT AND HIT THE WALL THAT WAS ONLY A FEW FEET AWAY. HER MIND WAS FIGHTING A BATTLE AGAINST PAIN AND RAGE. SHE GAVE UP AND DECIDED IT WAS BETTER TO LET RAGE WIN THEN PAIN. SHE WASN'T GOING TO BE WEAK AND LET PAIN TAKE OVER HER. HER RAGE TOLD HER THAT WASN'T ENOUGH SO SHE PICKED UP THE BOTTLE AND THREW IT AT THE WALL. SOON THERE WAS PIECES OF GLASS EVERYWHERE AND THE WHISKY WAS ALL OVER THE WALL AND FLOOR. SHE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WAS SO MAD AND SHE COULD NOT TELL WHAT WAS KILLING HER MORE THE RAGE OR THE PAIN. SHE WAS HURT, SO HURT IT FELT LIKE FIRE WAS BURNING HER INSIDE. SHE FINALLY GAVE UP THE FIGHTING AND LET THE PAIN TAKE OVER HER. HER KNEES BECAME WEAK AND SHE FOUND HERSELF SEATING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR CRYING.

NATALIA DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO KNOCK ON THE DOOR. SHE WENT IN AND THE FIRST THING SHE SAW WAS MARIAM ON THE FLOOR CRYING

Natalia: oh god. Mariam what happened?

AFTER ASKING HER THE SAME QUESTION AND NOT GETTING ANY RESPONSE, NATALIA DECIDED TO CALL LYNN

Lynn: everything ok?

Natalia: no, I get here and she is seating on the floor crying and there is glass and whisky all over the floor

Lynn: ok, we'll be there in two minutes

Justin: what happened?

Lynn: it's Mariam but don't worry let's just get home

BY THE TIME THEY GOT HOME MARIAM WASN'T IN THE LIVING ROOM ANYMORE AND NATALIA WAS PICKING UP THE LAST PIECES OF GLASS THAT WERE ON THE FLOOR

Justin: where is she?

Natalia: she is better now, she is in her room. I gave her some tea to calm her down

JUSTIN RAN UPSTAIRS AND WHEN HE GOT TO THE ROOM HE FOUND MARIAM SEATING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW

Justin: hey baby

JUSTIN SLOWLY SAT ON THE BED AND ENDED UP NEXT TO HER

Mariam: I'm so sorry Justin I didn't mean to make that mess down stairs

Justin: it's ok. You are allow to be mad and I understand that you are hurt

Mariam: I'm sorry

Justin: let's just not talk about it now

Mariam: ok

Justin: I love you

Mariam: I love you more

THE VERY NEXT DAY MARIAM FELT A LOT BETTER BUT THEN AGAIN WHO WOULDN'T FEEL BETTER WITH THE LOVE OF THEIR LIFE TAKING CARE OF THEM, KISSING THEM EVERY SECOND AND TELLING THEM HOW MUCH THEY LOVE THEM EVERY MINUTE. JUSTIN INSISTED THAT MARIAM WENT OUT SHOPPING WITH LYNN AND NATALIA AND AFTER A LOT OF BEGGING SHE SAID YES

Mariam: maybe I should just stay here with you

Justin: no. I feel great and I think that you deserve a day out having fun and wasting my money

MARIAM SMILED

Mariam: I rather have fun here with you

Justin: baby just go. I'm gonna hang out with Dominick so don't worry about me

Mariam: ok well Dominick you better take care of him

DOMINICK LOOKED AT HER AND SMILED

Dominick: don't worry. I called the babysitter so we are gonna have a lot of fun and we are also gonna go spend his money

THE THREE WOMEN LAUGHED

Mariam: bye

JUSTIN WAS RIGHT, AS ALWAYS. MARIAM HAD FUN WITH LYNN AND NATALIA AND EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS STILL THINKING ABOUT HOW JUSTIN WAS DOING, SHE RELAXED AND ALLOWED HERSELF TO ENJOY THE DAY. SHE ASKED LYNN AND NATALIA TO STAY AT HER HOUSE AND MAYBE THEY COULD ALL WATCH A MOVIE.AT FIRST THEY BOTH SAID NO AND LYNN GAVE HER AN EXCUSE TO WHY SHE WANTED TO GO TO DOMINICK'S HOUSE INSTEAD. IT WAS SORT OF STRANGE TO HER THAT LYNN INSISTED ON GOING WITH NATALIA BUT MARIAM AGREED. IT BECAME CLEAR TO HER WHEN SHE ENTERED THE MANSION. MARIAM SMILED WHEN SHE SAW CANDLES AND ROSE PETALS ALL OVER THE DINNER TABLE. IT WAS OBVIOUS JUSTIN WAS PLANNING A ROMANTIC DINNER FOR THE TWO OF THEM.

A SECOND LATER THE PHONE INTERRUPTED HER THOUGHTS

Mariam: hello?

Dominick: I have been calling your cell phone for the past 10 minutes

Mariam: I turned off. Everything ok?

Dominick: it's Justin. I had to call the ambulance

Mariam: where is he???

Dominick: calm down Mariam. I called Lynn and Natalia, they are on their way to pick you up

BY THE TIME THEY GOT TO THE HOSPITAL MARIAM WAS ALREADY DESPERATE

Mariam: where is he?

Dominick: the doctors took him in, it's been about 30 minutes and they haven't said anything

Lynn: what happened?

Dominick: he wanted to do this romantic dinner thing for Mariam and I was helping him and I remember joking around with him telling him that he better put some of that sunless tanning lotion he had because I didn't think Mariam wanted to eat dinner with Casper and after I said that all I heard was when his body touched the floor

MARIAM WAS SO DESPERATE AND NERVOUS THAT SHE DID NOT NOTICED DR. NICOLETTI WALKING TOWARDS HER

Dr. nicoletti: hello Mariam

Mariam: doctor nicoletti? What are you doing here?

Dominick: they asked who was his doctor and I told them it was doctor nicoletti so I guess they called him

Doctor nicoletti: yes they did

Lynn: how is my son doctor??

Dr. nicoletti: he is very weak and unfortunately there is nothing we can do about it. his body had a break down and that's why he fainted

Natalia: so what should we do now doctor?

Dr. nicoletti: just be with him

MARIAM WAS SO NERVOUS AND WORRY SHE DIDN'T REALLY NOTICED THE TEARS ON HER FACE

Mariam: can we see him please?

Dr. Nicoletti: he is sleeping right now. His room is 499. You can go ahead but just try not to wake him up he needs the rest, it's the only thing that gives him energy.

Lynn: thank you doctor

Dr. nicoletti: I'll stop by tomorrow. Goodnight

NATALIA AND DOMINICK ENDED UP GOING HOME AND THEY TOOK LYNN WITH THEM. THE REST OF THE NIGHT MARIAM SAT BESIDE JUSTIN'S BED JUST LOOKING AT HIM SLEEP UNTIL HER EYES CLOSED

THE NEXT MORNING WHEN SHE WOKE UP JUSTIN WAS ALREADY AWAKE

Justin: good morning

Mariam: hey. How do you feel?

Justin: ok I guess

Mariam: good then we can go out to the garden for some sun and then we can come back here and read some magazines and laugh at every celebrity on it. what do you think?

Justin: I want to go home

Mariam: well that's not possible because the doctors said that it would be better if you stay at the hospital for a couple of days and maybe

Justin: I want to go home Mariam

Mariam: Justin if the doctors think that

Justin: baby please?

IT TOOK ALL THE STRENGTH SHE HAD IN HER BUT SHE DID NOT ALLOW HERSELF TO CRY INSTEAD SHE STOOD UP FROM THE UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR SHE HAD BEEN SEATING ALL NIGHT, GAVE HIM A FAKE SMILE AND KISSED HIS FOREHEAD.

Mariam: whatever you want sweetheart

AFTER AN HOUR SHE CONVINCED THE DOCTORS TO LET JUSTIN GO AND A FEW HOURS LATER THEY WERE ALREADY HOME. MARIAM DECIDED TO CALL NATALIA'S HOUSE AND LET LYNN KNOW THEY WERE HOME

Natalia: hey. why are you home?

Mariam: Justin didn't want to stay at the hospital and right now I just want to make him happy

Natalia: how did you get home?

Mariam: the hospital was kind enough to provide us with transportation and the two guys that came in the van with us were nice enough to help Justin get in the bed

Natalia: ok. So what did the doctors say?

Mariam: they said no at first but then I convinced them to let him go. They said that somebody is going to have to take care of him because his body is so weak that he wont be able to do much. They recommended this really good clinic where they could take good care of him and they said that the clinic is willing to let one of their nurses come home and take care of him here

Natalia: that is good

Mariam: yeah but that won't be necessary, I'm going to take care of him

Natalia: don't you think its better if a nurse does it?

Mariam: no. I want to do it

Natalia: but Mariam

Mariam: nata you don't understand

Natalia: I think its better if a professional

Mariam: well I know its better if I do it

Natalia: are you sure because

Mariam: I already told you I'm going to do it myself so stop trying to change my fucking mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THERE WAS SILENCE UNTIL MARIAM CALMED DOWN

Mariam: I'm so sorry nata

Natalia: its ok. I know all of this is really hard on you and I'm not making it any better right now. You are right, who better to take care of him than his own wife

THE NEXT WEEK ALL MARIAM DID WAS TAKE CARE OF HER HUSBAND. SHE BECAME OBSESSED WITH THE IDEA OF BEING THE PERFECT NURSE SO SHE STARTED READING ALL DIFFERENT BOOKS LIKE HOW TO HELP A PERSON WITH CANCER, THE MOOD CHANGES IN A SICK PERSON, HOW TO DEAL WITH DEATH, HOW TO BE STRONG & HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE WHEN SOMEONE IS DYING. BUT WITH HER MOTHER-IN-LAW'S HELP SHE WAS DOING A GREAT JOB. EVERYTIME SHE HAD TO BE AROUND JUSTIN SHE WOULD PUT ON A FAKE SMILE FOR HIM BUT WHEN SHE WAS ALONE SHE WOULD LET HERSELF BREAK DOWN AND CRY.
ANOTHER WEEK PASSED BY AND ALTHOUGH SHE WAS SO THANKFUL HE WAS STILL WITH HER, HER HEART AND SOUL DIED EVERYTIME SHE SAW HIM. JUSTIN WAS SO WEAK THAT IT WAS HARD FOR HIM TO TALK AND COULDN'T EVEN GET OUT OF BED ANYMORE, HIS BODY WAS JUST NOT STRONG ENOUGH SO HE STAYED IN BED THE ENTIRE TIME.

Justin: what are you doing?

Mariam: baby try not to talk a lot. You know it gets you tired

IT WAS A WEDNESDAY VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING AND NEITHER OF THEM HAD ANY SLEEP THE NIGHT BEFORE BECAUSE JUSTIN HAD SOME DIFFICULTIES BREATHING. SHE WAS SITTING ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED NEXT TO HIM WITH A NOTEBOOK AND PEN IN HER HANDS

Mariam: well last night for that half of a sec that you slept I had a lot of ideas and thoughts on my mind so I got paper and pen and wrote them all down. I was just finishing it now

Justin: read it

Mariam: you want me to read it to you?

Justin: yes

Mariam: baby its nothing. Just a bunch of stupid ideas and just feelings that I needed to write down on paper

Justin: please

Mariam: ok

MARIAM GOT CLOSER TO JT AND BEFORE SHE STARTED READING TO HIM, SHE KISSED HIM SOFTLY ON THE KISS

Hold on. Hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell. Hold on. Hold on to yourself, You know that only time can tell. What is it in me that refuses to believe, this isn't easier than the real thing. My love, you know that you are my best friend, you know that I'd do anything for you and my love, let nothing come between us, my love for you is strong and true. Am I in heaven here or am I in hell, at the crossroads I am standing. So now you are sleeping peaceful, I lie awake and pray that you'll be strong tomorrow and will see another day and we will praise it and love the light that brings a smile across your face. Oh God if you are out there won't you hear me? I know we've never talked before and oh God the man I love is leaving, won't you take him when he comes to your door. Am I in heaven here or am I in hell, at the crossroads I am standing. Hold on, hold on to yourself for this is gonna hurt like hell.

Justin: beautiful. Love you

Mariam: love you more. I'll be right back

MARIAM STOOD UP TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND WASH HER FACE TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING ASLEEP. SHE LOOKED AT HERSELF IN THE MIRROR AND THEN A HORRIBLE FEELING KICKED IN. SHE LOOKED AT THE BED WHERE JUSTIN WAS LAYING

Mariam: Justin?

SHE WAS SCARED AND SHE KNEW, SHE JUST KNEW.

Mariam: Justin?

SHE WALKED CLOSER TO THE BED AND CLOSER TO HIM. HIS EYES WERE CLOSED AND HE WASN'T MOVING. SHE LAYED DOWN NEXT TO HIM AND REALIZED THIS TIME SHE COULD ONLY HEAR ONE HEART BEATING. MARIAM ALLOWED HERSELF TO CRY AND SOME TIME WENT BY BEFORE SHE CALLED LYNN AND THE OTHERS.

"hold on" lyrics by Sarah Mclachlan