I've been dreading this moment for so long now I can't even begin to describe the agony I've been through to get to this moment. I've tried to talk myself out of it, but I can't--I won't let him control my life any more. The past six years have been the best of my life; I never knew a friend like him. Five years ago I did the thing you're not supposed to do, I fell in love with him.

JC, or Josh to me has always been my rock, my strength. It's so easy to love him when he's such a sweetheart, the best friend a girl could want. I want more, so much more than just a friendship, that's why I have to leave. I have to leave to save my sanity. I was sitting across from him tonight talking to him when it hit me, he had no idea that I was in love with him and he probably never would.

Now I've tried to let go
But I just can't say no
I've cried all my tears
Over you
Tell me what, what can I do

I've really had enough. I can't take the pain any more, don't be thinking 'oh no that girl is going to off herself'. It's not like that at all. I just need to distance myself from him before I go crazy. Every time I see him I fall deeper in love with him. There's no one that I can talk to except my best friend Carissa, she has this same problem with her best friend so she totally can relate.

Everyone else gets it, but why doesn't he? Why does he rip my heart in two every time he talks about another girl, every time he smiles that beautiful smile in my direction, every time he calls me 'lady'. I love him so much that's why I have to do it.

You can't fool my heart anymore
So now I'm walking out the door
You've taken my soul now let go
I'm not that fool I was before
I'm not your fool no more

I'm sitting across the room from him, watching him flirt with another girl. What does she have that I don't have? Am I too plain? too much of a tomboy? I don't understand why he doesn't see me. This is the last time that I'm going to see him for a really long time. I have to distance myself from him otherwise I will only go insane with longing for him.

What would you do in my situation? Would you stick around and listen to him talk about other girls? Would you stick around and look in his eyes and only see friendship and feel your heart breaking every smile.

I love him.

Don't you judge me
As I leave it all behind
I was the victim
It was you that did the crime

Goodbye Joshua Scott, I will always love you.

He has no idea that I'm leaving, I told him earlier that I was going to be leaving to go home early. Whether or not he was actually listening, I can't be certain. I just needed to see him one final time, that's the only reason why I came to this stupid club. I normally don't go out with the guys, I just stay at the hotel. I couldn't leave without seeing him one last time.

Now I'm losing control
But I just can't say no
I see through your smiles, your disguise
Won't take more, no more of your lies

I refuse to let myself cry. I see him in the arms of that girl, I need air.

You can't fool my heart anymore
So now I'm walking out the door
You've taken my soul now let go
I'm not that fool I was before

I had to leave the club, don't you understand why? I going to head back to the hotel and cry my eyes out then get in my car and go home. I won't ever come back, there would be only reason why I would come back. And that hasn't happened yet in the past five years, so why would it happen now.

So (so) what went wrong
Held me down for so long
Tried to forget your mistakes
But it's hard to forgive when it feels like a part of you dies, dies inside

I wanted to see him one more time so now I find myself peeking inside the club. He's in there laughing with his friends now. He's so beautiful, my Josh. I love him to death. That's why I need to leave, you understand me don't you? I'm so depressed that tears don't even come. This pain goes deeper, oh how I wish I would never have come to the conclusion that he would never see me in another light.

You can't fool my heart anymore
So now I'm walking out the door
You've taken my soul now let go

I got into the cab that would take me out of his life forever. It has been the hardest thing for me to do, but I find myself with no other choice.

I love him.

I'm not that fool I was before
I'm not your fool no more
I'm not your fool no more
I'm not your fool no more

*Fool No More by Charlotte Church