The man I love is in love with someone else. It gets paraded in front of me at every moment. It’s hot news. It hurts.
Everywhere I look, I see the two of them. They’re everywhere. Smiling, laughing together. Loving each other. It hurts.
I suppose it’s my fault. I never told him that I love him, so he moved on.
I guess I should explain things a little more.
My name is JC Chasez. I won’t go into my biography because it doesn’t have much to do with the story, and I’m pretty sure that you all know it. I don’t know where to start, so I guess I’ll start at the beginning. When I first met him, I thought he was adorable. He was shy, trusting, caring, intense. The one word that I would use to describe Lance Bass is intense. Everything he does, he does. I don’t know how to explain it. He puts his all into everything he takes on, including relationships.
We were a group of brothers, it wasn’t just for the cameras, but I never thought of Lance like a brother. He was always my best friend. Don’t get me wrong, Justin and I are best friends because we have a ton in common, but I really am just his big brother. With Lance, we’d sit up at night and have these conversations that would last for hours. I knew everything about Lance and he knew everything about me. Almost everything. He didn’t know that I loved him, and I didn’t know that he had loved me.
I almost told him one night. It was after one of the last shows on the PopOdyssey tour. We were sitting in his room watching My Best Friend’s Wedding.
“Hey Josh, what would you do if the person you were in love with was marrying someone else?” he asked me.
“Probably nothing.” I said while looking at my hands.
“You wouldn’t fight for them?” He turned and looked at me.
“Not if it would hurt them.” I said as I looked back at him.
“I think I would tell them.” He said decisively.
“Right, shy old James would tell the guy who’s about to get married that he’s in love with him.” I said as I looked at him sideways.
“I think I would. Love is always worth fighting for.” He said as he looked at me with this look that just made me want to tell him right there. Just say “James I love you” and then kiss him, but before I could say anything, his phone rang. I was disappointed, but decided it was probably for the best. How could James love me, he saw me as his brother. It hurt, but I put my thoughts away. I tried so hard not to think of him that way, but I was in love with him. I’m still in love with him.
Two weeks later, we were going off to do our own projects and I knew that it just wasn’t going to be the same. We talked a lot, don’t get me wrong, we still talked all the time. It was just a lot harder since he was in Russia and I was working on my album. I waited for his calls, and if he missed a call, I was devastated. It hurt to be so far away. When everything blew up around him and they made him come home, he stayed with me. It was amazing being so close to him and I almost told him everyday. Almost. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him that when I said I love you, I meant it. I didn’t mean that loved him like a brother, I meant that I was in love with him.
I went on tour and he went back home. He came to a few of my shows, one of them people took pictures of him there and it seemed like he was there to see his lover, but he wasn’t, he was there to see me.
He came to another one of my shows and that is a night I will never forget. I had just finished singing all my love songs to him, the songs I had written about the love of my life and he would never know. We were sitting in my hotel room, well he was sitting, I was pacing.
“Josh, sit down.” He said softly.
“James, you know how I am after a show, I can’t sit still.” I said grinning at him.
“Very true, I remember all those times when everyone would just be exhausted and you would be walking up and down the length of the bus, or you’d be dancing in the back.”
“You always stayed with me. Why did you always stay with me, James? I always wondered. You were always so tired, but you stayed with me.” I looked over at him as I stopped pacing.
“I wanted to keep you company. Josh, I know you better than you know yourself, you need company when you’re like this, you can’t be alone. You’d go crazy. What have you been doing after shows?” He asked curiously as he looked up at me.
“I go dancing.” I said. “You’re right.”
“I know I am.” He said smiling.
“How do you know that?” I asked softly.
“I was in love with you, Josh. I paid attention to you.” He said softly.
“You, what?” I asked. He was in love with me?
“I loved you for years Josh, since we started really. You were this amazing guy and you just had this energy that just made me so happy. You gave me all my strength. You kept me going. Whenever I felt down or weak, you were there, picking me up. You’re an amazing guy Josh, and I hope you can find the guy you’re looking for because it takes a hell of a long time to get over you.” He said smiling at me. “But I met Reichen and I love him Josh. He’s so amazing, he’s not you, but he’s amazing. I love him so much, he makes me happy.”
“Wow, James, that’s, wow.” I didn’t know what to say. My heart was breaking. He loved me, but I was too late. I was too late. If only I had known, if only I had said something. We’d be together. But I was too late.
“You’ll find someone Josh, you’re amazing. Before you know it, you’ll be in love with some amazing guy, and you’ll have this amazing romance.” He smiled as he squeezed my shoulder. “I have to go Josh, I have to get some sleep before my plane tomorrow. I will see you later, bro.” He pulled me into a hug and he whispered in my ear, “You’ll find him, J, you will, I promise.” He said before he let go and walked out the door.
I sat down on the couch and put my head into my hands and cried. A while later, Lance came out to the world, and then he came out with Reichen. I see their relationship everywhere and it rips my heart apart. He was wrong, I’d already found someone to love, it just happened to be him, and he was in love with someone else. It hurts.
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