As he walked out the door with Jamie on his way to breakfast he turned and winked at me. I knew, then, that I was turning my back on my friend and a decent person would acknowledge this and restrain herself. But you have to understand that Justin was...

There's no excuses. I've run every single one through my head and none of them make what I feel about Justin any better. I tried to ignore him and get myself out of situations that would put us in a room together but it didn't work and before I knew it, I was trying to find an excuse to be around him. This makes me not only a horrible friend but a terrible human being. I wish I could say that I tried my best to dislike him, but that would be a lie. I started wearing make-up, dressing nicer...it goes without saying, that there would come a point in time where I'd get busted.

My daddy was the first to notice, believe it or not. It was one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had with my father, and that's including the 'every girl becomes a woman' talk. This may not have been as bad...but it was close.

"So..." He sat down on the couch beside me, still smelling like gasoline and metal. "You sure are lookin' nice lately, Boose."

"Um...thank...you?" The remark was intended to be taken as a compliment and he did try. At least, I thought it was a compliment. Little did I know that it was an interrogation.

"Any reason we've decided to change our wardrobe?" He lowered his head, still keeping his eyes steady on me.

I wasn't sure where he was going so I stayed as cautious as possible. "Just...getting older?"

"Oh? Why does gettin' any older mean ya gotta change you're clothes?"

"It doesn't...I just...decided that I wanted, um, to...change."

"Well, you don't need to change."

His tone was becoming more hostile than warming. I suppose this is why girls need mothers. Fathers don't understand boys the way girls do. They don't understand change and the fact that sometimes we need it. My mother definitely understood change. I always hated that most about myself. By being a woman, I related to my mother. By wanting change, I accepted her leaving us. I only wish my father could change. Somehow be both my father and mother. He wasn't though. Which is why I learned long ago to not take offense to his lack of understanding.

"I know, daddy. But I want to."

I wonder if he ever resented change. Blamed it for taking his wife.

He stared at me for a moment. A very long moment. "If you're changing for a boy, which I don't doubt that you are, then let me tell you now, he aint worth it. You'll only be unhappy. So if it's a boy...then change back. He'll find you if he wants you. For you. Okay, Boose?"

"Kay daddy."

He kissed my forehead and went back outside to work on the truck. The truck was his haven. His escape from me. He didn't hate me, no, but I think he believed that he was the reason she left. That if he was around me too much, I'd want to leave, too.

I looked down at my clothes and smiled. I may have changed for a boy...but I was keeping it for me. I think. When you've given up morals for boys, it's hard to distinguish one thing from another, including what you feel for you and what you feel for someone else. I wanted him to notice me. I wanted him to look at me the way he looked at Jamie. Want me the same way he wanted her. If you couldn't tell by now, I've fallen so deep in my own hole that I forgot to care for my friends feelings at all. It was a wonder that she didn't even see. It was so clear.

----

"Do you like someone?"

I broke out of my daze and stared at Jamie for a moment before shaking my head and returning to my fries. "I've never seen you like this. Are you sure there's not a boy? Or...a girl?"

I tilted my head and stared at her for a moment wondering is she had actually just asked me that. "If I ever turned gay you'd be the first to know. And no. It's neither. Geez. What's with the third degree lately?"

"Sorry. I just don't know what to think of the change. I only assume it's a boy because that's the only reason I could ever think of someone like you wearing makeup and a skirt."

"I'm not wearing a skirt."

"Yes. But you were the other day and I almost had an aneurysm. I even had to smack Justin across the face for lookin'."

My heart. Holy...

"He's a brave man. He does it cause it makes me mad. Like the other day we were at the grocery store and he just licked his lips at this girl walkin' by! Then he laughed about it. Boy, you should hear that laugh. It's the reason I know he loves me. It's sincere and honest and playful. I'm just in awe every time I look at him, you know? I'm the luckiest girl alive." She smiled to herself and sighed, caught up in her own moment.

I, on the other hand, had about four million thoughts rushing to my head. I was in paradise for about 2 seconds before I found out he looked at LOTS of girls. Not just me. But I was one girl he looked at. I was noticed. Even just to tease Jamie, I was looked at by Justin. Here I was, having inappropriate thoughts about my best friends fiancé, while we were EATING together. I was sick. This was in no way right. "Lucky girl. I feel like such a bad friend." (Don't worry, I'm not about to bare my soul or anything.) "I don't know anything about you two. How did ya'll meet and stuff?" I ached for details.

"I was at this fashion show down there and he was up at front, sittin' alone and we ran into each other and he just asked me if I was alone and I wasn't but I said I was and he invited me to sit with him so not only did I get front row seats BUT I got hit on by a hot guy and then he asked me out to dinner afterwards and we just...hit it off. I never had so much fun in my life the way I do with him, Adi. I can't believe how easy it was to fall in love with him. It was like...we just...knew...you know? I only hope one day you'll be as happy as I am. You're gonna meet a great guy, I know it. Just like Justin."

I wish it were Justin.

I know, I know. You hate me right now. I hate myself right now. Every story she told me, I just imagined myself in her place. It was my first date with Justin, my first kiss, my first...Justin.

"Hey ladies."

"Baby!"

"Hey honey." I diverted my eyes when they kissed. Nothing hurt more than to see them show affection towards one another.

"Hey Dre."

He gave me a nickname. I would cherish it forever. I would now be Dre. "Hi." I went back to my shake and paid abnormal amount of attention to it.

Justin looked at Jamie for an explanation for my awkward behavior. Great. Now I was just her weird friend.

---

It took me about three days of solitude to compose myself. I tried my best to tone down my outfits and keep a distance from him but when you have a best friend who is normally over every day, you can only hide for so long before she gets suspicious...or hurt. I didn't hate her. It seemed like I did and part of me questioned whether I did or not but I didn't. I was jealous. I wanted him, yes, but I had to make sure that she was first priority. Her day was coming closer and closer. The day that I would completely lose him.

It was when Jamie came to my door and confronted me that I gave in and joined her for dinner at her house with her family and, yes, Justin.

I tried to be myself and ignore the fact that everything I did, Justin saw. Everything I said, he heard. Everything I did, he didn't care. I began to accept that I was nothing more than someone who would soon be considered family. I would be someone he hung out with when he was with his wife. He wouldn't be on my couch anymore. He wouldn't eat in my kitchen anymore. He would live somewhere else with someone else and have little babies running around and I would visit maybe once a week or so and that would be it. His wife's friend. It was hard to hear for some reason. I couldn't even be his friend. Not even that close. I was angry at myself for wanting something that not only was impossible to have but wrong. Worse than that, something that didn't even want me in return.

That's what I told myself.

I told myself that I was nothing to this man. Nothing. I believed it. I was pushing aside every feeling I ever had. I was growing more and more numb with every passing day just to get over him.

It wasn't until one evening while me, James, Justin and Earl were swimming in the lake in my backyard when my heart swung up into my throat. It was one simple little action that I would probably hadn't even noticed had it not been for the fact that I had always looked for that shred of attraction from him. And there it was, right there in front of me, sitting awkwardly between us until Earl broke it by jumping between us as he chased a duck through the water. And the fact that Jamie was watching obliviously. If only she had seen his eyes.

I was swimming under water when I came up and there he was, right in front of me, chest bared and my chest half an inch away. It was innocent, right? We laughed at how close I came to swimming straight into him. Then he did it. He looked at me. Almost as though he was questioningly seriously as to whether or not he should kiss me. Which was crazy. Jamie was standing there behind him, still laughing at me, not knowing that me and Justin shared...a look.

It sounds stupid. You're probably thinking I'm getting my hopes up over nothing and I would normally think that but this...this was different. When they were leaving, Jamie went into my room to get her stuff and me and Justin stood on the front porch uncomfortably. At least I was uncomfortable. He seemed...different. Quieter than usual.

"Thanks for letting us come over."

"No problem."

He was never one to let a silent moment go on for too long.

"I was thinking you could, um...you know? Help me tomorrow?"

"Sorry?"

Justin stopped abruptly as Jamie came through the front door and we both smiled nervously at her presence as though we had been close to getting caught doing anything (which I can assure you we were not.) As they trotted off in the dark towards her house, I saw Justin turn towards me and mouth something but I couldn't make it out.

The next day he came over and greeted me with a big toothy grin. "Feel like house hunting today?"

"Uh...not...what?"

Right. I had to help him find a place to live. With Jamie. I didn't want it to hurt, but it did. Every time he mentioned her, I felt as though he did it just to hurt me.

---

Never was a day in my life better or worse than today.

I admit, I tried harder than ever to impress him. Especially today when I wore a low neck tank top and a pair of my shortest shorts. I did, wear my old tennis shoes, though. After all, this was the country and we were going to be walking through a lot of mud as we house hunted. That's right. Just me and him. Alone. Being secretive. Sneaking around together. Jamie who? This, to me, was a date.

It was a very hot day which made my attire excusable. Never was a day that I was more proud of my boobs. Growing up, they were only a burden. Not to say I had much of them...but I had enough. Enough to not seem as though I were just using them to draw attention. I had innocent cleavage. Innocent until today, that is.

"I love this house."

"It's pretty."

We stood in the front lawn, admiring it's outer beauty. I think Justin wanted to buy it right on the spot but I was able to persuade him into checking out the inside first.

As we made our way up the sidewalk (always a good start when a house has a sidewalk) and noticed more and more beautiful features, we both anticipated the inside glory with each step.

The inside was completely redone to where it didn't even resemble a house from the south. It was beautiful, with a marble staircase and electric fireplace. I felt like I was in a museum.

We turned to each other and grimaced. This was no home.

"What a shame, to ruin a perfectly good house like that."

He looked as though his heart has just been ripped out, as though this had ruined his whole day.

This went on for hours, us driving around to houses and being let down by each and every one. I was becoming irritable and for once, I just wanted to just go home and sleep. I take it back. Mornings are not a persons most vulnerable moment. House hunting is. By five o' clock, we were both ready to ring each other's necks. We decided to take a break and grab a bite to eat. At this point in time, I wasn't interested in attracting him. I was myself for once in a very long time. I let my guards down. We talked like human beings. I found out things about him.

He was 20 and been living on his own since he was 16. He was born and raised in Tennessee and had very southern roots but through the years, as he spent more and more time in the city, his accent faded. I wondered if my mothers accent faded. I wondered if she had an accent. He said that the moment he saw Jamie...he knew she was the one. His soulmate. He only hoped that she felt the same. Luckily, she did and so it didn't take too long for them to get engaged because when you meet your soulmate, there's no reason to wait. Maybe he was right. I didn't believe in soulmates but I did believe that maybe there was never a chance. If I were the one who met him in New York would I have gotten invited to sit with him? Probably not. I think that's where it starts, too. I think that if he hadn't been forced to acknowledge me...he wouldn't.

I noticed that whenever I was with Justin, I thought about my mother. When he talked about New York I would think of her. I wondered if she ever felt that she had found her place there. I wondered if New York filled that void for her. I wanted to know everything about it. I wanted to understand how my mother could want something she never had. I wanted to know why Justin was my New York. How I could know so little about him and yet have this desire to change for him. Could he fill an emptiness for me? Would he complete me?

Maybe the heat made me delirious.

Maybe not.

Maybe he really kissed me as we parted ways.