I would like to think that it was honest. I would like to think that from the moment we met, there was nothing to start from and nothing to end with. I would like to think that I was bored and he was something new in my life. I would like to think that I never felt anything towards Justin that was more than friendly. There are a lot of things I would like to think...but I know they aren't true. I know that when I sleep at night, he's the first and last thing that runs through my mind. I think of his so-called innocent kiss and the looks he's given me over and over. I wondered if he ever thought of me. If he still did. I wondered if somehow this would all go away. I know that it won't. I know this because as much as I try to ignore all of this, I still want him.

Something came up. Nobody is sure what came up, but nobody questioned it. The wedding was being 'postponed.'

I had never questioned the events in my life. I was never unhappy. There were times when I thought about my mother and tried to understand her decisions but I never let them affect me. I was a good girl. I made good grades. I was friendly. I never even thought about love. Most girls my age had fallen into their cliques and let teenage drama rule their lives. Not me, though. I had friends scattered amongst school. So did Jamie, which helped. Justin coming into my life was like my becoming an adult. I didn't know how to deal with the situations that I faced. I wasn't used to complicated feelings.

Jamie, on the other hand, was always wise beyond her years. I admired her for that. I saw her as a strong and independent woman who would move away and live her big city dreams. I knew that she had what it took. I knew that she was too big for such a small town. I think that's why it was so hard for me to understand all of this. Suddenly she was getting married at 19 and conforming to the ways of Smithville. She was worth so much more than this. It wasn't that this was a bad place to live because in all honesty, I could never want anything more. But Jamie wasn't meant for this place. Suddenly, I saw her for what she really was. She was only a child who didn't want to lose her place. Her confidence was hidden by her desires. But that's all that they were. Just dreams. Nothing she ever planned on making real. All this time, she was just an average girl who hid behind dreams and false confidence.

I think that this is when I realized that I was more than who I allowed myself to be. Justin made me see this. He brought out desires and questions I had never known to ask. He made me realize that I had more to offer. That I, too, could love. Maybe not him, but somebody. That not all love has to end with the other one leaving.

I still admired her. Only now, it was for a different reason.

"I love him. And there's nothing worse in this world than loving someone as much as I love him and knowin' that they don't feel the same way."

"Justin loves you James."

"I know! I know that. But...just. I don't think he wants this."

"Wants what? Marriage?"

"Yeah. I know it's stupid but...what am I without him? I don't know why I love him. I just do. And that's all I need. I know that that's all I need but what about him? Maybe he's bored with me, you know? Maybe he's not now but what if down the line we have nothing to say to each other? We don't have that...curiosity, you know?"

I knew. I knew because that's how it was with Justin. We were mysteries to each other. We were danger. He was my New York. He was something I never knew but always hated. He was new and exciting. He wasn't mine. I don't know what I was to him. I wanted to know. I wanted to know what was missing in his life that I filled. Was I the home he left? Was I his Tennessee?

"Everything will work out, James. I promise."

I didn't know if I could promise that. But as a friend, I hoped it would. I hoped everything would work out and nobody would get hurt.

Maybe I could have loved him. Maybe if things were different, then I would be with him. Instead, I was lost.

I looked out my window at the rain. I could see him, across the street, sitting on the porch with Jamie. I wanted to understand why no matter how hard I tried, my heart still ached every time I saw him.

I knew that I couldn't live like this. I knew that I would never be able to have a relationship with either one of them. It was impossible to push aside what I felt. I didn't even know what I felt. I wondered if this was love. I wondered if they would break up because he realized he wanted to be with me. I knew that everything I felt about him was betraying my friendship with Jamie. For some reason, though...I stopped caring.

I knew that there was something. When Jamie walked inside, leaving Justin alone on the porch his eyes shifted to my window. We were stuck in a stare. His eyes were sad. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Feeling. I wanted to know how he felt about Jamie. And if he felt anything about me.

He walked inside and my heart sunk. I walked away from my place at the window and waited for morning to come. As I lie staring at my ceiling in my dark room, I heard the front door open. I knew it was him. I wanted to go downstairs and kiss him and confess my heart and pray that he did the same. Instead, I listened to him moving around the living room. Then it got quite. About 2 minutes later there was a knock on my door.

"Justin..."

In every moment of my life, every second of yearning, every instant of solitude and every minute of deceit I had placed a wall. Slowly, building it until I had forgotten how to feel.

Never had I expected a boy to come and slowly, brick by brick, take it apart.

But he did. And I watched him do it.

And as he did this, I helped him. Then, before I knew it...I had completely destroyed a friendship.

I can't describe the kiss. I can't describe his hands. I can't even find a moment to breathe. I had fought so hard to be the good girl. I knew, the moment I opened my door and saw him standing there, still wet from the rain, that I didn't care anymore. I didn't want to be the shoulder anymore. I didn't want to carry everybody's baggage. So I dropped it all and let myself enjoy a moment of my own. I forgot Jamie, my father, my mother, my past...all I had was Justin.

He was mine. For now, at least.

---

I know, I know. Things have gotten unusually complicated and trust me, I didn't plan this, nor did I ever want something like this to happen. When I first met him, he was an insult to my town and here I was, making out with him in my bedroom in what was possibly the most romantic thing to ever happen in this town. It was dark, raining, and my mystery boy who I had beaten myself up over for liking was here, with me, feeling everything that I felt right alongside with me. It was wrong on so many levels and yet, I wouldn't change a thing about it.

The worst thing about the whole situation was the continuation. It seemed whenever we got a second alone, there we were, groping and grabbing like little children, trying to suck the life out of each moment. He was getting married. Nobody knew when...but eventually that day would come and we would have to stop.

Sneaking around with your best friends boyfriend seems like a horrible thing to do, and trust me, it is. The thing is, though, that when you're doing it, you don't really think about it. I mean, sure, afterwards I'd be left alone and I'd have to reflect on what I'd done, but when you're caught up in the moment, a third person isn't usually in the equation.

My feelings for him were misused. I should have seen that. Did I want him to leave her? No. Yet, I still wanted him. I wanted this to be my decision...but it wasn't.

"Justin. You have to do something. I can't do this anymore."

"I know. I just don't know how. Dammit. I still don't even have a clue what I want."

It frustrated me that he loved both of us and couldn't make a decision. It didn't make sense that someone could switch between two girls and not know how he felt about them. "I'm not doing this anymore. I can't. This is sick. This is ending. Right now. Make a choice. If you don't...I'm gonna have to say something to James cause I can't just let you do this to her. It's killing me enough that she'll ever have to find out that I've done this...but you...you're supposed to marry her. Just...grow up Justin!"

"Shit, Adrienne, you think I don't know all of that? You think I feel great about all of this? I...I'm going to make a decision. Okay? Just...I need a break from all of this."

---

The next day, James invited me to her sister, Lizzy's, school to see her perform the lead role in the 8th graders production of The Wizard of Oz

"Where's Justin?" I whispered as I looked around the dark auditorium.

Jamie sat quietly for a moment, her eyes still on the stage, before answering. "Business."

"Oh..." I knew that that was a lie. I didn't know why she didn't tell me the truth. Did she know?

I noticed how different she looked. Like there was a frown hidden behind her smile. I knew that what I was doing with Justin was wrong...but until that moment, never had I seen the effects of our mistakes. Jamie was smart. She knew something was different. I didn't know how much she knew...but I could see the hurt behind her eyes. I was sorry. It's all I could be.

Justin returned three days later. We didn't speak, make eye contact or even acknowledge the fact that the other was alive.

That Saturday, I went over to the new house to help move. Jamie pulled me aside as Justin went to grab some boxes from the truck. "What's up?"

"Um...not much? Why?"

"I mean with you and Justin. Are ya'll mad at each other or somethin'?"

"No...why?"

"Because ya'll aren't, like, talking or anything."

"Oh...I hadn't noticed, sorry. Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No. I was just saying...you two usually are talking to each other all the time, that's all."

Maybe she didn't know. It didn't matter, though because as far as I was concerned, we were over. Whatever we were...I figured it had ended for good.

"Okay well...go help him with boxes while I start setting things up in the kitchen."

Jamie was far more complicated than she let on. She was stubborn and did everything in her power to please everybody around her. I seriously doubted that she had ever experienced any joy of her own. The one thing she loved and ever felt truly happy about, had turned his back on her. If she did know he was cheating on her, I doubt she'd know how to handle it.

Maybe that's why people run. Would Jamie run from this?

There are times in peoples lives when everything gets turned around and they have to step out of their comfort zone and fix the problem. Some can do this with only some difficulty. Others can't function and do what ever instinct tells them to do. Some may run, hide or even take more drastic measures. One day...Jamie was presented with a problem that caused her to step out of her comfort zone. Nobody is sure what it was. Nobody saw it coming. Nobody suspected anything. I think she's happy, though. As a friend, I know this. I believe this. I like to think I understood her. She was my best friend for the majority of my life. I suppose, though...that she knew me far better than I ever knew her.

---

You expected I was the hero of the story, right? You thought that me and Justin would fall madly in love and run away together? That James would understand and wish us the best of luck?

I wish that were all true. I wish that everything were so simple. I'm sorry if you wanted love to conquer all...but in a love triangle such as this...who could ever win?

You're probably waiting for the love story to start and don't worry, it will soon enough. But before all of that, there was the downfall.

It started like this.

I had a breakdown. I cried. I confessed everything. She stood there, as I did this, with a straight face. I wanted a reaction from her. I wanted her to hate me. I wanted her to yell and scream and throw things. Instead, she showed me the door.

Hours passed. My daddy knocked on my door and when there was no response, he welcomed himself and sat beside me on the bed. "Boose? Now...I know that I'm not around much and I'm not good at this kinda thing...but I'm no dummy. I know somethin's wrong with ya and if you need to talk, then I'm here. Don't make yer old man feel like a failure, now. I'm sure I know anyways."

I wondered if he did. Was it that obvious? "I'm okay, daddy."

"Look." He grabbed his forehead and sat like that for a minute before continuing. "I know about you and Justin, Okay? I know you think since I'm always in that yard that I don't see what goes on in this house? Well, I do. I probably should have said somethin' but...I'm no good at all of this stuff. I just kinda hoped you'd make the right decision but now I see that you're not gonna. So you're gonna have to listen to me now."

I was ashamed. I hated myself.

"You love this boy, Boose?"

I was silent. I didn't even know.

He sighed in disappointment. "I may have done this alone but I'd like to believe I raised you better than this. That girl is your family. You know that. You don't even know this boy and there you go, throwin' away your life for him. Dammit, Adrienne, I can't lock you in this house just so you don't make a mistake. You're gonna have to make things right. You steal from a store, you return what you stole or you pay for the item. You can't just take somebody's things and not make things right. Just cause you go forgivin' yourself don't change nothin'. So march over there and make things right. You know he's not yours. They have some problems of their own that they're gonna have to work out but you...you're gonna have to step back and let things be. Maybe you'll get your friend back...maybe not. That's up to her now. Not you."

I kept my head down in shame. I loved my daddy. I just wish he weren't right all the time.

So I did what I was supposed to do. I gathered together all my strength and went over there and made things right, starting with Justin.

"Maybe you're the one for me. If you are, then I'm sorry. I lost the chance to be with you a long time ago when I chose you over family. My mistakes will live with me for the rest of my life and as much as I want to take everything back, I can't. So go back to her and tell her exactly how you feel. Make the right decision. Make sure that you don't just do this for you but for her, too. Through our selfishness we've made a fool of this girl and she means more to me than life itself. I don't know what I could ever do to make her forgive me. But she loves you. And if there's any part of you that believes that she's not the one, then tell her that because there's no reason for us to hurt her anymore than we already have. I'm done. With everything. I'll never know if you and me could have been more...but had I never allowed that thought to ever cross my mind, none of this would have happened. I could have moved on and forgotten about my little crush on you but now...now everything has changed. I'm doing this for James. She deserves this. Even if for the rest of my life I have to live with this unhappiness."

Justin kissed the top of my head and walked out my door for what I believed to be the last time. My heart broke and as it did I fell on to the floor and cried. For everything. I had held in 17 years of pain and with this one moment, it all came crashing down my cheeks.