Why do I not feel any better?

I'm happy. I'm happy? Who the hell am I trying to kid? I should be happy, hell, I should be fucking ecstatic. The weight of a thousands worlds has been lifted from my shoulders. All the rumors have been straightened out, and yet, I don't feel any better.

Everyone knows, and no one really cares. Most people have laughed and said "we knew, we were just waiting for you to confirm it," but I still feel scared.

In fact, I'm terrified. I keep telling myself that I was born this way, that God made me this way for a reason, and yet I'm still not convinced.

I stare down at the crisp stark white pages, sliding my fingers along the gold painted edges, feeling the smoothness. "Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable". Leviticus' words glare at me, flashing a crimson red.

It just doesn't make sense. All my life, I've prayed, attended service after service, and accepted that God is an important part of my life. Why would He allow me to be this way if He didn't approve of it?

Detestable. I flip open my thesaurus and stare at the words that are now being applied to my life. To me.

Disgusting, horrid, repulsive, and vile. How could love be any of those demeaning words? If you love someone, shouldn't that be all that matters?

I've been overloaded with support form everyone ever since I made the official announcement. Poor Lisa is having a hell of a time keeping up with all of the Myspace comments I've been receiving lately. I wonder when the backlash will begin. When will all the anti-gay people open their mouths and start reciting the story of Sodom and Gomorrah to me? When will the protestors gather on my lawn? When will the people of Clinton, Mississippi begin to look down on my parents, casting them shamed looks and gossiping till they're blue in the face?

When will God answer my questions? Will he strike me down with lightning one random day? Will I be sentenced to spending the rest of my afterlife burning in Hell?

Does He still love me?

I guess I won't truly find out until I approach the gates of Heaven, huh?

So until then, I will continue living my life the way I want to live it, because you know what?

I'm happy, and no, I'm not lying this time.

I'm gay and proud of whom I am.