Unfaithful

I love Jordan. I do. I love being married to him— I love being Mrs. Bratman. Our wedding day, a little less than one year ago, is and always will be one of the happiest days of my life. I can’t even begin to imagine what my life would be like without him in it. Without him by my side, supporting me in everything that I do. He’s such a good man.

And he treats me so, so good. Always doing whatever he can to please me and make me happy. He really is my best friend, and such a good husband. Sometimes he’s actually just too good to me.

That being said, I couldn’t tell you why I do the things I do. Why I hurt him the way that I do. How, when even though I know how much he loves me, I can look him straight in his eyes and lie so efficiently without a second thought.

Sometimes I just look at myself in the mirror I can’t even stand to see the woman that is staring back at me. How could I do this to the man that I truly loved with all of my heart?

Jordan doesn’t deserve to be lied to. He deserves a wife that won’t deceive him, and that won’t… cheat on him.

Yes—I cheat on my husband… regularly. I don’t even know how it started, but all I know is that I can’t stop. No matter how much I know I should.

I guess you are probably saying if I loved him, I would just stop. But it’s not that easy. Because you see… I’m not too sure of how I feel about the other man—Justin.

I have known Justin ever since I was a little girl—we were barely twelve years old when we first became friends. I’ll never forget the first time, all those years ago, when I saw his bright and friendly smile in a room full of strangers.

We were friends ever since that first day, and I can’t remember a time when he hasn’t been there for me. When I broke up with my first love, Jorge, he was the shoulder that I cried on for months. And I was his when he had been completely devastated by his break up with Britney.

We hadn’t up until recently become more, and I know it’s so wrong of me—being a married woman and all—but it’s like a different me takes over when Justin comes around me. It’s as if I just forget all of my problems, and it’s just him and me with no worries or cares—and I can just be… me. Just be Christina. He makes me feel like the little girl that I was when we first met.

He tells me all of the time that he loves me—and I think he knows that I won’t say it in return. I don’t know what he expects from me. He doesn’t hint at me leaving Jordan, and he doesn’t hint that we could actually be together—he’s just happy being with me. And I can’t help but adore him for that.

I know that Jordan has been suspicious of me lately. Getting suspicious of my long periods of disappearances, my late night phone calls, and other things.

I’m startled when I hear the front door slam, and a few seconds later Jordan comes storming into the kitchen.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him sweetly, as he roughly opens the fridge and grabs a beer—proceeding to take a huge chug of it. “Jordy baby, what’s wrong?” I ask him again when he does not answer me the first time.

“Nothing…” he says harshly, and cuts his eyes at me. I furrowed my eyebrows, not understanding why he was giving me such an attitude.

“Obviously something’s wrong sweetie,” I say as I get up from the kitchen table and come up behind him to wrap my arms around his torso.

“Tell me…”

“Christina… I said nothing’s wrong.”

“Jordan… I’m your wife… tell me what’s wrong.” I tell him, and I freeze when I hear him snicker. “What was that for?”

“What was what for?” he asks me, taking another sip.

“Why did you just snicker when I said that I was your wife?” I ask him, unwrapping my hands from his body.

“No reason…” he quickly says shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly, and moving to exit the kitchen.

I quickly step in front of him to stop him from leaving. “Uh uh Jordan. There is a reason. Tell me,” I say looking him dead in his dark brown eyes.

“Let me pass.”

“Not until you tell me,” I say standing firmly in place and folding my arms stubbornly.

“I said let me pass!” he shouted at me.

“And I said not until you fucking tell me Jordan!” I shouted—matching his tone. “And how dare you raise your voice at me! Who the hell do you think you are?”

“How dare me?!” he exclaimed. “How dare you!”

“Me?!” I asked confused.

“Yeah, you Christina! I know you fucking lied to me about where you where you were going two days ago!” he shouted, and my face instantly lost all of its color. He couldn’t know where I had really went two days ago… no one knew except for Justin.

“Wh-what?” I stuttered.

“You heard me. I know you weren’t at your sister’s house, because Ricky told me you weren’t! He told me he hasn’t seen you over there in more than two weeks!” he shouted, talking about my brother-in-law.

“Are you fucking kidding me Jordan? This is what you’re mad about? That my brother-in-law hasn’t seen me? What the fuck does that prove?”

“It proves that you’re a god damn liar! That’s what the hell it proves!” he screamed, pointing at me. “Where were you really?”

“My sister’s house, and if you don’t fucking believe me--your wife-- then too bad for you. That’s your god damn problem! You need to stop this shit Jordan, you’re driving me insane!”

“No—you’re driving me insane with your constant lies Christina!”

“Oh please,” I muttered angrily rolling my eyes.

“You know what, fuck you!” I flipped him the bird and grabbed my car keys off of the key rack and made my way to the garage door.

“Where are you going?” I heard him ask me, and I could hear him following closely behind me. When I got into the garage I flipped the switch for the automatic garage doors to open. “Christina—I said where are you going??”

I ignored him and unlocked my car door, and got inside.

“What are you doing? Where do you think you’re you going? It’s like midnight! Stop acting stupid and get out the damn car!” he screamed.

When I put the key in the ignition and turned on the engine, his face dropped and he started begging. “Christina, sweetie I believe you okay? I believe you! Just get out the car, so we can talk about this okay? Don’t leave me tonight…”

I simply roll my eyes, before flipping him the bird one more time, and quickly backed out the garage and sped away without giving him a second look. I heard my cell phone immediately start to ring, and I promptly turned it off, because I knew that it was him.

So here I was driving around in my white Mercedes upset and wanting to go anywhere but home—I could only think of one place where I wanted to be. And I knew he would welcome me with open arms.

Not bothering to call—since I had turned my phone off—minutes later I found myself on his doorstep ringing his doorbell. Seconds later the door swung open, and I found myself staring into the beautiful blue eyes that I had come to know so well.

“Christina… baby. What are you doing here? What time is it?” His voice revealing his surprise at my presence. He wrapped a strong arm around me, and ushered me into his house—closing the door behind us.

“I’m sorry Justin… I didn’t mean to intrude or anyth—“

“Christina, sweetheart… you know you could never intrude. I’m always happy to see you. I was just surprised that’s all,” he said to me with a warm smile, the back of his hand lovingly caressing my cheek. And I smile—he makes me feel so loved. “Come on upstairs,” he tells me, while grabbing me hand.

I follow him upstairs and we enter his bedroom—of which I know all too well. “Did I wake you?” I ask as I take off the jacket that I’m wearing and lay it on top of the dresser.

“Yeah… but don’t worry about it. Seeing you makes it worth it…” I hear him say as he comes up behind me and wraps his muscular arms around my tiny body. He rests his chin on my shoulder and I lean back against his hard chest. He isn’t wearing a shirt—just his silk pajama pants—and I smile as I feel the warmth of his bare skin radiating against me.

“Hmm… I need you tonight Justin…” I say with a tinge of urgency in voice, as I turned around in his arms to look up into his eyes—and all I see is adoration in them.

He doesn’t say anything, but he just simply bends his head down and captures my lips in his own. We share a slow and sensual kiss that holds so much more passion than I want to admit.

“I love you Christina…” he whispers tenderly to me as our lips broke apart, and I close my eyes at the raw emotion in his voice.

“Justin… don’t say those things to me… you know I don’t want to hear it…” I tell him in an equally soft voice.

“I think you do want to hear it…” He tells me, running his fingers through my silky platinum blonde hair, and I stay silent… because I don’t know do I want to hear it? “Are you going to tell me what happened tonight?”

“You could probably guess…” I say as I wrap my hands around his slim torso and lay my head against his chest—hearing the soft sound of his heartbeat.

“Another fight?”

I nod my head against him before answering, “Yeah… but it’s my fault…”

“How so?” he asks.

“Because of me…”

“How so?” he asks me again.

“Because of this Justin. Because of me cheating on him! He’s getting suspicious…” I say as I slightly push myself away from him. “I’m a married woman Justin! I shouldn’t be here with you!”

“But I love you…” He tells me softly, reaching out to touch my arm.

“Stop, Justin. No you don’t.” I tell him sternly.

“And I don’t love you. I love Jordan.” And his stance instantly falters when I utter those words to him.

“Well then why the fuck are you here Christina?! Why do you come to me almost every fucking day? Huh? Why?! Why aren’t you with the man that you supposedly love so much?!” He shouts at me, and I’m too stunned to say anything. I’ve seen Justin mad before, but in all the years that we have been friends, never has his anger been directed towards me. He always treated me with care and tenderness.

“Why do you look so shocked Christina?!” he yelled while turning his back to me and walking to the other side of the room.

“Wh-why are you treating me like this Justin?” I ask in a shaky voice—on the verge of crying.

“Ya know maybe I’m just tired of everything being about you! It’s always about what you need, or how you feel. What about me Christina? How do you think I feel with all of this shit! You’re married Christina! And I’m in love with you! How the hell do you think I feel about that?!”

“You knew I was married!”

“You’re right… and that makes me the ass. But Christina I tell you I love you and you don’t even fucking care!”

“Well what do you want me to do about it Justin? I’m married, and I’m not married to you!” I exclaim. I took a deep breath and softened my voice a bit. “You’re my best friend Justin… I thought you understood that.”

“I do Christina… I do understand that. I’m just tired that’s all. I’m tired of being your secret.”

“You don’t understand how much I need you. Need your friendship. If I didn’t have you in my life—if I didn’t have this,” I said gesturing to us. “I would go crazy. It’s like you make everything okay. You remind me that the world is a beautiful place.”

“Then why are you with him?” he asks in a tender voice.

“Why are you asking me this? I thought you understood…”

“Understood what Christina?!” his voice booming once again. “All you ever do is give me mixed signals—how the hell do I understand that?!”

“Mixed signals? What are you talking about? How do I give you mixed signals?”

“You come over here, let me make love to you. Call me everyday and tell me your innermost secrets and thoughts. And then when I tell you I love you, you act like it’s my fault! It’s your fault Christina! It’s your fault I’m in love with you! Everything is your fault! All of it! All you ever do is hurt me!”

I stayed silent for a minute before saying in a barely audible voice, “I know everything’s my fault. I know I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible wife, a terrible friend… I’m such a terrible person…” I couldn’t help the tears that escaped from my eyes.

I heard Justin let out a sigh and he made his way over to me and attempted to wrap his arms around me. “No… it’s okay… I’m fine…really I am…” I say as I moved out his reach, and tried to wipe the tears from my face.

“You’re not a terrible person. You’re the most amazing and beautiful person I know… I just think that you don’t know what it is that you want…”

“I think I should just leave,” I tell him sniffling a little, but he stops me from reaching for my coat.

“I don’t want you to…” he whispers—his hand softly gripping my arm. “Stay… please…” he almost begs me. And I realize this is the second time tonight that a man has begged me to stay with them.

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I’m sorry…”

“Christina don’t leave me tonight. Stay with me… please.” And when I look up into his crystal eyes, my heart aches when I see that they’re glistening with unshed tears.

“If I hurt you so much, why do you want me to stay?” I ask in a whisper.

“Because… you hurt me even more when you’re not with me…” His voice cracks with emotion, and I hate myself for doing this to him. This hadn’t exactly come as a surprise—I knew that this day would eventually come. Where he would want more from me, and I couldn’t blame him, it wasn’t fair to him. It wasn’t fair what I was doing to either of them.

“I’m sorry Justin… but I have to go. I should have never come here…” I tell him as a shrug myself loose from his grasp and grab my coat.

“Christina…” he barely gets out my name before a sob escapes his lips. I guess he realizes that this will probably be the last time I’m over here. But I still decide to tell him anyway.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore…”

”Is that what you want?”

“Yes… I mean… not at all Justin. I don’t think we can be friends anymore…” and as I say the words I can feel some part inside of me die. I see his beautiful blue eyes fill with so much hurt and anguish, and if it’s possible I hate myself even more for being the cause of it.

“You- you don’t mean that…” he whispers as a tear slides gracefully down his beautiful face.

“I do Justin. I mean it. We—we can’t be friends anymore. It just wouldn’t be a good idea.” I couldn’t help the sob that escaped my lips. I ran out of the room and down the steps, before I would really loose it.

“Christina!” I heard him running after me, and a sense of déjà vu came over me.

“Justin don’t make this harder than it already is!” I exclaimed turning around to face him—my tears now steadily flowing down my face.

“You’re right I am a married woman and everything you just told me made me realize that I am being selfish. It’s not fair to Jordan and it’s not fair to you. I don’t want to be the bad guy anymore. I don’t want to hurt my husband anymore… and I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have.”

“Please…” he begs grabbing my hands in his and bringing them up to his mouth and kissing my knuckles. “Don’t do this to me baby. If you do this you’ll hurt me more than I can take. I don’t know what I’ll do Christina. I’ll die, I swear I will. I’ll die…” I close my eyes—not being able to look at his grief stricken face.

“Don’t say that…” I tell him.

“Why not? It’s true. I’ll die if I can’t be with you. I know I will. I won’t have anything else to live for. You’re the only thing that means anything to me. It’s true Christina. You’re all that matters to me… I realized that…” he tells me with such sincerity, as he moves to lace his fingers with mine.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about…” I mutter softly—because frankly I just don’t know what else to say to him after the words that he just told me.

“Please believe me when I tell you that I love you, and I would do anything to make you happy Christina… I would. I really would,” he tells me and I cringe when I realize that I can’t remember ever seeing him crying so openly before. “Even if you don’t ever love me back, just believe me when I tell you how much I love you…”

“I… I have to go… I’m sorry…” the words fall from lips and I quickly untangle my hands from his. “I’m sorry.”

“Christina please!” I hear him yell behind me, as I move to open his front door. I don’t even bother to put on my coat and I do my best to mentally block out his desperate cries for me stay and run to my car.

I get in, start the engine, and drive off before I loose the nerve. My tears almost prevent me from seeing the road, and when I am a safe distance from Justin’s house I pull over to the side of the road and burry my face in my hands just sob.

Why am I starting to think that I made a mistake? I know I did the right thing… I know I had to end it with Justin. It was only fair to Jordan. But why did I feel like I had just died inside. Was I using my head or my heart? Or neither? I had never been more confused in my whole life.

I knew without a doubt that I loved Jordan. I loved Jordan so very much—after all he was my husband… but what the hell was I feeling for Justin? My heart swelled with happiness when I even thought of his little curly headed goofy self. And… love? It was all too much to deal with. I was filled with too much sadness to even think straight.

But why was I sad? Shouldn’t I be happy? I had just ended my affair. This meant that I could finally be true and completely faithful to Jordan. But happiness was one of the furthest things that I was feeling. All that I felt was complete and utter emptiness.

Every time I closed my eyes all I could see were those blue eyes staring back at me with so much pain and sadness. I couldn’t get the image out of my head.

“I’m so sorry Justin… I love you…” I said to myself, and I gasped. Had I just said that aloud?  Did I? Did I love Justin? And if I did—what did that mean?

After a couple minutes I wiped my eyes the best that I could and started on my way home again. The couple minutes that it took to get home, I tried to calm myself down. I didn’t want Jordan to think that I was crying. It really wasn’t a big deal if he thought I was, because he would’ve just thought that I was crying because of our little fight. But of course he wouldn’t that was the farthest thing from my mind.

I parked in my garage and looked at myself in my rearview mirror. Content that I looked semi decent, I exited the car and walked as quietly as possible into the house. It was almost two o’clock in the morning and I was silently praying that Jordan was asleep—but I knew that he wouldn’t be,

I hung my coat up in the foyer closet and I made my way into our large bedroom and say him lying down on the bed with his eyes closed. But I knew that he was not asleep. And he proved me right when he spoke.

“Where were you?” he asked, but still did not open his eyes to look at me.

“My sister’s house,” I tell him—using the same lie that I know he won’t believe. But at the moment I really don’t even care. I just lost my best friend.

“Oh,” he says, and I can tell that he doesn’t believe me but he says nothing more. I change into boxers and a wife beater and join him in the bed. We both layed there silently, and he moved behind me and wrapped his arms around my frame—spooning me.

“I love you,” he whispers in my ear, as he nuzzled his face into my neck—which makes me smile. I sigh to myself and I tell myself that this is where I belong with Jordy—my husband.

But I still just can’t ignore the image in the back of mind of Justin’s smile, his laugh, his eyes, the smell of his cologne, the sound of his laughter, the way he made me feel like I was the only girl in the world— just…everything about him. I take a deep breath in and I let it out slowly as I try my hardest to push those thoughts to the farthest regions of my mind.

I feel Jordan’s grip on me tighten and I’m jerked back into the reality of the present. The reality that I’m Mrs. Bratman… not Mrs. Timberlake.

With that thought in my mind I closed my eyes before softly whispering, “I love you too Jordan,” before falling into a restless sleep.