Ana’s Journal POV

Ok so I will never want to ride in a car for as long as I live. Ok so we all know that’s a huge lie I have to ride in a car again. I can’t believe just how bad I really ended up. Justin’s choreographer is so mad at me. We were supposed to start rehearsing with dancers and we’ll I can’t do much of that. Ok I am softening the blow I can’t do a fucking thing. Don’t get me wrong at some point I am sure I thought of having servants to do everything for me. Let me let you in a little secret its not all its cracked up to be. Yes Justin, Joey, Lance, Chris, Audrie, Josh, and Lynn are all here all the time. I mean don’t get me wrong I love the fact that at a drop of a hat they will perform for me. Yup when I ask they will sing for me which at first was cool. Now just to keep my sanity I want to be alone. I in fact am looking forward to be being alone I am now foaming at the mouth for that to happen. I love them for all wanting to help me and make sure I am ok. But there comes a time where they just need to back off. I know you may be thinking what a bitch I would kill to be in your spot. Believe me when I say this I would more than happily give this up. You want these five guys waiting on you hand and foot tell me where to send them. Great I can’t even write in peace. All I wanted was 30min to be alone with my thoughts and here is in the flesh Justin. Ok so he is fucking hot as hell and why am I wasting my time thinking shit over? I mean if I told him I was ready he would be right there by my side. I am not ready to be with him I hope I am though. I would love to be loved by that man. What woman in her right mind wouldn’t want him?  I will get my chance I just hope I don’t wait to long and lose him all together.

Monday June 3, 2006

“So kiddo how goes the rehab?”

“Oh its going I wish it was going faster. They have me rehabbing four days a week and twice a day. But other than that I am doing good Joey. Oh hey we really need to talk.”

“Ok about what?”

“Joey I am really sorry for how I reacted and treated you while I was in the hospital. You didn’t deserve any of that anger that I was misplacing.”

“Well maybe you should start talking to someone you know to deal with it.”

“Oh I am I have been since I got out. I guess you could say I am rehabing more than my body I am doing it my mind as well. So one of my things is I had to apologize to you for how I treated you.”

“So what about you know who?”

“Well honestly I will get to him when I am ready to. I am scared to really let myself fall for him and really let him get close to me.”

“Look I am going to tell you one thing and I’ll leave it at that.”

“Ok Joe tell me.”

“Ana if you let him in and close to you he won’t hurt you. He’s been hurt and hurt bad he knows what its like. When he loves you he loves you with everything he has. If he see’s you are worth all the pain and good he will put the effort in. Ana just take all that into consideration ok.”

“I will thank you Joe for being well being you.”

“You are welcome.”

            Ana knew what to expect from a guy like Justin. She knew some what of things he’s gone through from the tabloids. Johnny was suing the guy that cause the accident. Ana wasn’t to thrilled of having to relive that day ever again. But Johnny said if they went to court she would have to.

“So I hear from a little birdy that your birthday was a couple weeks ago.”

“Well Justin you heard right.”

“Ok I know things haven’t been easy for you lately.”

“I know I am not trying to sound ungrateful for all that you have done. It’s just I am in need of sometime alone. Since this all happened I haven’t had a moment to myself. I mean I’m used to having a moment of peace alone.”

“I actually think I can help you out with that.”

“Oh really Justin that would be a great thing.”

“Alright let me go and talk to them.”

“Thank you J.”

“So guys she’s wanting to be alone.”

“J she can’t be alone what if something happens. Her room is upstairs and she can barely walk.”

“So how bout I tell someone has to stay.”

“Alright but who’s it going to be?”

“How bout Justin?”

“Really you think that’s a good idea?”

“Yes, Chris why I didn’t think of it I don’t know.”

“Ok so we are in agreement everyone leaves and I stay.”

“Sounds great J just be careful with her ok.”

“I will thanks guys. Today is the day I’m going to win her mind, body, and soul.”

“So what did they say J?”

“They all agreed to leave on one condition?”

“Which is what?”

“Don’t be upset but they wanted me to stay with you?”

“Well only one of you to be around me I can deal with that.”

“Great well here let me know if you need anything. I will be down stairs if you need anything.”

“J I just want to thank you for this. I have just needed some time to myself.”

“No worries Ana I think I could sense you were tired of all of us around.”

“Am I a bad person cause you guys were all waiting on me hand and foot.”

“No, Ana don’t think you were wrong cause you weren’t. Having to deal with what you just went through I would hope you need some time.”

“J thanks a lot I guess I’ll call you if you need anything.”

“No problem girl do your thing if you need me I’ll be downstairs.”

            With that Justin left her to her own thoughts that she was able to be alone with. The guys and Lynn were great to have around but at some point she just wanted to be alone. Granted she wasn’t completely alone he was there. It seemed like lately he was always there in her house, thoughts and in her dreams. She liked having him around but she really needed to think about the future. Was J worth the big risk. Was she really ready to let herself go completely?

“Hey you were supposed to call me if you needed anything.”

“Yeah I know but I figured I needed to get out of my room.”

“So do you like your house?”

“Well I haven’t spent too much time here so I’m still getting used to it.”

“Well its getting close to dinner time are you hungry?”

“Actually I am starving I didn’t realize just how much time had passed.”

“Would you like to eat in or out?”

“If you don’t mind I think that I would like to eat out.”

“I know just the place come one lets go.”

“J I’m not even dressed right.”

“Where we are going you look just fine. Besides you are beautiful in anything you wear.”

“J thank you.”

“Your welcome. Now come on lets go.”

            Justin had taken her to the strip and went to the Pink Taco stand. He really didn’t care what they did as long as he was with her. It was hard to be by her side but not really by her. He had been there through it all with her lately and he knew how he felt. But for her she was not letting up on her emotions or feelings.  She kept them bottled up inside that it was hard to read how she was really feeling. He knew that no matter what though when she reciprocated his feelings it would be well worth it.

“J thanks so much for this I really needed it. It just feels so good not to have everyone around. Please don’t get me wrong I appreciate it. It’s just that with everyone there I haven’t been able to have a single solitary thought.”

“You don’t have to justify your thoughts to me sweetie you really don’t.”

“I know its just that I feel like I don’t appreciate what you guys have done for me. I do appreciate it but my actions and words say a different thing you know.”

“Hun you just went through a very traumatic car crash I think you are entitled to your feelings kinda mixed up. We all know you Ana well we know how are you. Ok well one of us knows you better than any of us. But still we know that you are struggling with everything and that you’re just trying to make sense of it all.”

“That’s exactly how I have been feeling. Its just I felt cooped up in the house and it was like I didn’t have anywhere to go. I mean it was like anytime I was alone one of you would show up. No matter how hard I tried to be alone none of you would let me. I would start to feel like writing then someone would show up and question me. it was making me more angry then feel better.”

“well I am just glad that I could be the one to get you away from it all.”

“Justin I can’t ever thank you enough for what you did while I was in the hospital. I know that the situation we were in before the accident was not ideal. I just hope that when I am ready it won’t be to late.”

“Ana you need to know that no matter what it will never be to late. I will wait for you no matter how long it takes. I have fallen for you and nothing is going to change that. I will wait for you.”

“I don’t know if I will be ready.”

“Ana look at me I don’t care how long it takes. When you are ready it will be worth it. Anything with you will be worth the wait Ana.”

            Ana didn’t know what to say to that. It was one of the most heart felt displays of affections anyone had ever shown her. She feared that she would take to long and really lose him. She wasn’t ready to give up on there love more important she wasn’t ready to lose him. He was the first one that ever showed her love. She had blown it too many times with him and this time when she went for it, it would be a more permanent thing. The thing is was she ready to just give her self to him. If she actually let herself fall for him it would be worth it.

“So you ready to go yet?”

“Actually J could you take me to the beach I just need to clear my head. Besides I haven’t been there in so long.”

“As much as I would love to take you to the beach I can’t”

“Why?”

“Well one is cause the paps just showed up.”

“No don’t say that J. Cause right now that’s still one thing that can freak me out.”

“Come on sweetie lets get you home ok.”

“Thank you J. I know you tried to make this an uneventful outing but you know when it comes to you or me it will never be that.”

“I know but one day we can have and we will have it.”

Friday June 7, 2006

“So how are you feeling to day girl?”

“Aud surprisingly I am feeling good. The rehab has been going good I think I am almost back to my old self.”

“Well that’s good to hear it really is.”

“So tell me how are things with JC and you?”

“You know they couldn’t be better. This really is the happiest that I have been in a long time.”

“Well we all deserve to feel that kind of happiness in our life.”

“You deserve it too you know.”

“Do I really because it sure does seem that everything I touch turns to crap. I mean just look at the last few months. My track record seems to prove otherwise.”

“Ana what happened to you was an accident it was not your fault. Are you blaming yourself for what happened?”

“If I didn’t want to sing we wouldn’t be here. You would have been able to keep Damien a secret. The world would know nothing of me I would just be another mindless drone walking this earth. We would be us and that would be it.”
”Ana you were put here to sing don’t you ever think otherwise. It was an accident Ana you didn’t cause it you need to know that.”

“It’s quite the opposite Aud I did cause it. I caused it because I wanted to be famous and the paps were following me. Damien could have died because of my stupid fame.”

            Audrie didn’t know how to react to her best friend. She was throwing herself a pity party and she was the only one invite. She knew Ana had been depressed these last couple of months but nothing like this. This was her best friend and for once she was not sure what she could do to help her out of this one. The accident and everything that came with was taking a toll on her friend. She needed someone and she knew just who to call.

“Johnny?”

“Hi, Audrie how is our girl doing?”

“She has seen better and brighter days but that’s kinda why I am calling.”

“Ok how can I help?”

“She needs to get away from LA for a little bit. All the rehabbing and getting her ready for the tour is really affecting her. She says she is fine but I know she is not. She is stressing and its making her depressed. If we don’t take care of this soon she may just want to quit all together.”

“Well I do know of a private place were she can relax. Why don’t I set it up so all of you can go?”

“Actually I was thinking of her and just one other person going?”

“Oh ok well you know what I can arrange it. Have her ready tomorrow morning.”

“Thanks Johnny.”