Friday March 27, 2006

They had been in LA for a couple of days now and Ana enjoyed being home. Being in the state she adopted as her home when she left Arizona. Sure she claimed Arizona as the place that gave her a birth place. But it wasn’t until she moved to LA that she really felt at home. There were certain people back in Arizona that she missed but she never let her emotions show. For as long as she lived in LA she never let her emotions show or get attached to anyone. Audrie was upset with her about that all the time. Ana would turn down guys like nothing. She would never let herself be that exposed to another guy ever again. Then came along Justin and he changed all that. He changed the way she felt about men and that she could find a good one. In the couple days that they agreed to see one another Justin made her feel special every minute. There wasn’t a moment that he wasn’t calling or texting her just to tell her hi or those sweet nothings. Those were the things that meant the most to her. When he would call just to say hi and that he was thinking of her. She loved when they could steal a moment and share in a kiss. His lips were like morphine she couldn’t get enough. In the short amount of time they were together she was completely falling for him. Which in her mind she knew could be dangerous. Dangerous because she had only felt like this once before and well things didn’t end well with that. She knew in her heart that Justin was different and was one of her possible great ones. Ever since she could remember she had developed an obsession with the movie ‘A Bronx Tale’ it was her fave. That was something that she was still and would more than likely always fear falling in love with Justin.

Ana’s House

"Girl are you really dating him?"

"Yeah we agreed to date one another but I don’t know?"

"Wait what don’t you know?"

"Aud you know how I am. I am not good at relationships and I’m scared that I could end up being the one to do the hurting. I don’t ever want Justin to feel the pain I have felt and on occasion still feel." Ana didn’t want to break his heart at any point. She really wanted to be the one to make him happy. She just wasn’t sure she was the one who would do that. She had a hard time letting anyone in and like that Justin and her were dating. She didn’t regret anything that was going on but she wouldn’t lie if she was asked if she was scared.

"Ana you would never do that to him. You are doing the right thing taking things slow. Really get to know one another and take it from there. Girl you need to do this."

"Aud I am tired of you telling me what I need to do. Look I love you for everything but in the back of my head I can’t help but feel like I am rushing into this. I have barely known him for a month and we’re dating. I must be out of my mind I mean really what the fuck am I doing. I need to concentrate on one thing and that’s my music." Ana knew she had blown up at Aud and she was going to be sorry for that later. She was well within her right to say what she felt and didn’t feel all that bad. She knew Aud’s feelings were hurt but how about her’s. For the last five years Aud has wanted someone for her and she was never ready. She still didn’t feel like she was ready to be someone’s girlfriend.

"Look Ana I am going to let you get away with what you just said to me. But you remember this I am always here for you. But I am not going to let you walk all over me like your little puppet."

"Walk all over you Aud I don’t think so. Ever since we were little you have always been the one controlling my life. Who I can and can’t date. Who is acceptable for me to talk to and who’s not. If anyone is trying to control anyone you have always been the one with the reins. Aud you have always wanted to pick who is right for me. Now Justin may or may not be right for me but I believe its me who has to make that decision."

"Alright just let me know how you truly feel about our friendship. I always thought we were equal partners in this friendship. Apparently I was wrong about us."

"Us equals please this friendship has always been one sided and you know it. When you came out here you were so secretive about it why. So enlighten me Aud why did you come out here? Why all of a sudden is your life a secret yet mine has to be an open book? Why won’t you be as open with me as you want me to be with you? What is the real reason Aud?" Ana knew she was pushing her buttons but she wasn’t sorry. Aud was keeping secrets from her and it was only fair she open up to her. If Ana was truly her best friend like she said there would be no secrets. Aud knew Ana was open with her about everything because Aud didn’t leave her a choice. Aud had always pushed Ana to be open and honest with her but wasn’t the same in return. Ana was tired of the secret that she was keeping. Why did Aud find it she needed to be secretive about it. What was so bad that she had to come to LA? Ana wanted to know and was tired of waiting for her to open up. If it was going to happen Ana was going to make it happen and it was going to be today.

"Look Ana why are you pushing me like this?"

"Why Aud this is how I feel every time you push me. Aud ever since we were little you have pushed me to do and say things I am not ready to do. This is how I feel every day of my life when you push me. You are feeling all clammy, your stomach is in knots, and your feeling all nervous. That is how I have spent my life when I am with you."

"Ana I never knew this is what I did to you."

"Well you would’ve if you ever thought to ask me. Aud I love you and the things that you do for me. I wouldn’t be half the person I am if it weren’t for you. But the thing is that our friendship has and always has been one sided. You have made me the person you wished you had been. Don’t tell me I’m lying either because you and I both know its true." Aud was in complete disbelief. She had always thought what Ana had just said but never heard it out loud. Ana was completely right about what Aud had done. She had always wanted to be the way Ana was but it was only cause she made her like that.

"Ana you’re right I made you this way and you are a better person for it. I have always wanted to be the way you are but I will never be. Ana I can’t be as open with you as you like."

"No, Aud that isn’t an option right now. We are going to get all your shit out in the open and we’re doing this today. I am tired of this friendship being one sided so we are either getting this out today or our friendship will be changed forever."

"I wish I could Ana but I can’t."

"Fine Aud if that’s how you want it remember you made this decision not me."

"Can’t I just."

"Just what give you some time. How many times did I ask for time how fucking many? Time after time if I recall. You never gave me time to think things over before telling you. So no Aud you get no time you get no fucking time!"

Aud didn’t wait to hear anymore she went to her room and grabbed some things. She wasn’t going to stay with her and continue letting her so called best friend berate her like that. This was a side of Ana she knew existed but she had never seen it. Ana was well within her right to begin to question her and their friendship. Aud had pushed Ana to be who she was and now she was beginning to regret everything. She should have let Ana mourn the end of her relationship. But instead Aud pushed her and pushed her until she made her ready. Ana was never ready to let go of the relationship she once had with Chad. Ana never really got over him it was more like Aud pushed him out of her memory. Ana didn’t love Chad anymore but she really never got over him. All she ever wanted was to really get over Chad. She wanted the time to get him out of her head and her heart. She was never given the time to let him go all she ever wanted was time. Aud had never given her that time. Aud decided when it was time to let go of Chad. Aud decided it was time for her start dating again. Aud decided everything and anything for her best friend and she had every right to question her friendship. Aud had turned her into this person and at the moment she was liking it at all. Aud knew Ana wanted answers but she wasn’t ready to give them to her.

"Ana I am going to go and stay with JC for awhile. He asked me to move in with him but I wanted to discuss it with you first."

"Wait you are really going to include me in a decision in your life."

"Ana please just.."

"Just what let it go how many times did I ask you that Aud. Believe me I love what you have done for me. But at sometime didn’t you think that you were going to have to open up to me as well. You never let me get over Chad the way I wanted. You wanted to push him out of my head and out of my heart."

"Don’t you."

"I am not done Aud I know Chad was the biggest ass to walk the planet. My point is that I still loved him and you never gave me the chance to let him go. Let him go the way I wanted to let him go. He may not have died but I wanted to let him go and mourn him. He was my first love Aud he had his bad qualities but still I loved him. You pushed me and pushed me until I couldn’t take it anymore. I gave up because I knew its what you wanted. The thing is Aud I always did things for you. I put you first in my life Aud I put you first and you still haven’t put me first."

"Like I said I am going to go ahead and move in with JC."

"Well you want to know something else it would be best if you weren’t my assistant. I believe after this it would be hard to have a working relationship. Don’t worry I will tell Johnny about this."

"Wait so what about our friendship?"

"Aud when you can be as open with me as you have made me with you then we can talk again. I am tired of having the same fights every single time. I can’t keep doing this I love you Aud but at some point things are going to have to change."

"I guess all I can say is I am sorry you feel like this."

"Wait all you can say is your sorry! Aud we have been friends for over ten years and you think I want your apology. Aud that’s not what I want I want you to open up to me. I want you to confide in me the way I have with you. Aud I want you to trust me like I trust you. I want you to respect our friendship the way I do. I want you to be able to come to me like do to you. You’re my fucking best friend and you don’t value what we have like I do."

"Please let me know how you real feel."

"That’s what the fuck I am doing here Aud. I am telling you how I really feel and you aren’t doing the same. You are standing here with your bags packed ready to move in with JC. You are ready to walk out on over ten years of friendship cause you can’t be honest with me. Aud be honest with yourself and just tell me how you are really feeling. What the fuck do I have to do to get that much out of you." Aud looked into the eyes of her best friend and saw all the hurt and anger in her eyes. This time though Aud was the one to put it there. Aud had caused her best friend pain and she wasn’t feeling too well about it. She wanted to tell her best friend everything and why she left Arizona. But like Ana she was mourning a loss of a relationship. The only difference was she made Ana deal with everything head on and knew she wasn’t ready. Aud had took the chicken shit way out and made her deal with what she wasn’t ready to. Aud knew how she felt about letting go its what she was doing. The way she was dealing with her loss she knew she should’ve let Ana do the same. In her mind though she thought she was doing the right thing for her friend. But as the days, months, and years past she pushed her to push Chad out of her life. Her relationship wasn’t a good one to be honest compared to her ex Chad was an angel. But she didn’t want Ana to hear what she did or what was done to her. She wasn’t proud of the lifestyle she was leading and knew Ana’s opinion mattered the most to her. If Ana’s feelings changed about her then her friendship was truly over.

"I am leaving."

"Go on Audrie go ahead and leave. Walk out on our friendship that I have valued for our entire life. You had been the best friend I could’ve ever asked for but I guess your feelings aren’t the same. I am here fighting for our friendship and you’re moving in with JC. Audrie why won’t you just tell me what really happened in Arizona? Why won’t you tell me what happened with Joe? I know something happened there and you’re not telling me? Why the fuck won’t you tell me? Don’t even tell me you entrusted that info to JC? Have you have you told JC a fucking guy you have known over a month! Have you told him why you’re out here and not me! What the fuck is going on Audrie why the fuck won’t you tell me anything."

"I am going. Good luck with everything. You know I want nothing but the best for you."

"If that were true you’d be here opening up to me and not running away."

"I hope someday you can forgive you."

"Audrie you’re walking out and you know what go ahead I am done. I am done trying to save this friendship. I am done working so hard at this friendship. Go on go have a nice life with JC. Just remember how you met him. I hope he’s worth risking our friendship over."

With that Audrie walked out of the house they had been sharing since she moved to LA. Of course the house was more Ana’s than her’s. But regardless Ana had opened her doors to her and let her move in. Ana didn’t hesitate letting her best friend move in. She had heard that Joe had been treating her badly but she wanted Aud to tell her. Audrie had been living with her for the last five years and nothing. Ana was like a dog waiting for a bone from that girl and nothing. Audrie had never confided in her the way she did with her. Ana did everything she could in their friendship and Audrie was only partly there. Ana did feel bad and now she was alone in a house that was her’s. But since Aud had moved with her it was there’s and she missed her.

"Baby what’s wrong?"

"Jayce I just ruined my friendship with Ana."

"That’s not possible she loves you."

"You know I know that but the thing is. I turned her into the person she is. I pushed her to do things I know she wasn’t ready for. I knew someday that she would question me and my motives. I have always told her to let her past go and move on. I made her move on when I knew she wasn’t ready. I made her push herself to let the one man she had ever loved out of her life. Granted the guy was a total tool I made her let him go when she wasn’t ready. I made her do things that I still haven’t done. I made her move on and that’s something I still haven’t done."

"Baby you."

"No, Jayce I made her do all the things I haven’t done. I made her force herself to move on when she wasn’t ready. Jayce I haven’t even let go of the ass that forced me to leave my home. I haven’t let him go he’s still here in my heart." Jayce looked at the women he had fallen in love with. He had never seen her look so fragile and defeated. The girl he loved was so strong and would stand up for those she loved. She was so beaten down and didn’t look like she was going to put up a fight. She had just went limp in his embrace and she wouldn’t stop crying. She was so defeated and weak what was happening.

"Baby come on lay down on the couch. Everything is going to be ok baby its going to be ok."

Jayce went to the one place he knew he would get answers he went to Ana’s. This fight had to be a major one cause he had never seen Aud like this. He had fallen in love with her and all that was her. She would fight for anyone that she loved but something had happened. He wanted answers and he wanted them now.

"Go away."

"Ana its JC open the door!"

"JC go away I don’t want to see or talk to you."

"Ana I’m coming in whether you like it or not."

"I don’t want to talk to you so go the fuck away!"

"What is your problem. What the fuck is your deal? Why are you crying? What the hell is happening between you two."

"Look JC I meant what the fuck I said I don’t want to talk to you. As a matter of fact I don’t even want to see you. Hell I don’t care if you or her never talk to me again. Get the fuck out of my house Josh."

"Look Ana I am really trying to be a friend here."

"A friend Josh a fucking friend well guess what. The best friend I have ever fucking had just walked out on our friendship. For the simple fact that she can’t do the shit she made me do. She is holding on to what ever the fuck is in her past and won’t let me in. But she fucking made me she fucking pushed me and pushed until I couldn’t do it anymore. I fucking did what she wanted and she can’t do the same thing."

"Ana come on."

"Look Josh I don’t care what she fucking wants. I don’t fucking care she threw our friendship out the window when she went to your house. So you know what Josh I am sure she knows what she has to do to repair this shit. She is the one that fucked it up so she knows where to find me if she is ever ready to do what she knows she has to."

"Ana please please don’t do this to her."

"I didn’t do it to her she did this to herself. So please just go away I don’t want to go through this all over again. Just go be with her please treat her good. I can’t do this friendship anymore. I can’t be to her what she can’t be to me. I love her just remind her of that and this is for her own good."

"Ana you can’t just walk away from your friendship with her."

"I didn’t Josh she walked away from it. I was here fighting for her to be her true self with me. I was here fighting for our friendship and she walked out. She walked out and chose to be in your life. She chose to be with you and live with rather than be with me. She walked out of my life and she’s in yours now. Just be good to her please JC."

Ana had let her friendship with Audrie go. If and when she was ever ready to be in her life again she would welcome it. Sure she had let her go but in her time she hoped that Aud would come back. If their friendship was meant to be then she would come back to her. Ana needed and wanted her friend in her life. Until Audrie was ready to do what she needed they couldn’t be friends. Audrie had to grow up and be the person she needed her to be. She knew JC would tell Justin how she treated him. She really could care less what either of them thought of her at the moment. JC really didn’t know the extent of their fight and he probably never would. He didn’t know why they were the way they were. She knew Aud was hurting and wished she could be there to comfort her. But if their friendship was really going to survive she needed Aud to as open with her as she had made her do.

"JC what’s wrong and why are you so pissed."

"Your fucking girlfriend broke my girlfriend."

"Whoa JC what happened and why are you so mad."

"I can’t believe the way she talked to me right now. She had no remorse for what the fuck she said or did to Audrie. She doesn’t have a fucking heart she has no fucking soul."

"JC slow the fuck down explain to me what happened. You can’t put all the blame on Ana. I am sure what ever happened was both their faults. So unless you have both sides to the story don’t judge Ana."

"Look Justin all I know is Audrie came to my house well our house. She came in crying and she wasn’t the girl I fell in love with."

"Josh you have to understand this is their friendship and they are the only ones that can fix it. I am sure there are things that Ana told and don’t make sense. But when you talk to Audrie maybe then and only then can you understand them."

"She told me to take care of her. Ana said that Audrie chose to be with me rather than open up to her. She said she was fighting for their friendship and Audrie walked out to be with me. Why would she walk out?"

"Audrie is the only person who can give you those answers and you know it JC. I am sure Ana didn’t mean what she said or maybe she did. Ana is going to have to be the one you are going to have to talk to. I am not going to apologize for her nor am I going to get in the middle of this. I am not defending what she did but she is who you are going to have to talk to eventually."

"I know J I am sorry she just pissed me off so bad. I mean nobody has ever gotten me so riled up well with the exception of Joey that one time."

"Oh man she got you that mad damn."

"Yeah but your right man if I want answers I am going to have to go to the source."

"Did I hear you right when you said you asked her to live with you?"

"Yeah I asked her and she said yes."

"Well I am glad things are moving in the right direction for you man."

"You don’t think Ana cares for you do you?"

"No, I am sure she cares for me but I don’t know. Its like she opened up to me about her ex and she is trying to convince herself that not every guy is like that. She walks on egg shells when she’s around me. I am trying to take things slow but damn we are moving like turtles. I want the commitment I want the titles. I want the world to know she is who I really truly care about. I have even went as far as mentioning the ‘m’ word around my mama."

"Whoa slow down there buddy you are seriously thinking about that already. Man is she that good in bed or what?"

"Hey JC don’t talk like that about her we haven’t even been down that road. I mean yeah its on my mind but not hers. She really goes above and beyond to ignore that topic. I have tried opening up with her on it but she just doesn’t want to hear it."

"Well I hope things work out with you. I am heading home Aud may or may not be worried but I want to talk to her."

"Alright man take care."

Justin was so confused about what they had he didn’t even know what to call it. Sure they had agreed they were dating but only one another. He had to be honest he thought of dating someone else on the side. But would it be cheating if he did it? They had the agreement to only date one another and it was him who decided that. He was falling like crazy hard for this girl and he wasn’t sure why. Part of him thought it would be in their best interest to be friends. But he meant what he said he didn’t want to see another guy on her in any way. He knew if she ever opened herself up completely to him he could really love her. How long would that take? He wasn’t about to wait years for this girl. He wasn’t sure if she was even worth it.

"Hello?"

"Hey girl how you doing?"

"I’ve had better days. I am not in the mood to hang out."

"Actually I think we need to talk."

"Sure come over we can chat for a minute."

"Actually I am at your door."

"Oh hey so what’s up?"

"I wanted to see how you were."

"Well I wanted to wait until later but here it goes. I think we should stop seeing each other. I don’t want to hurt you."

"So what you’re breaking up with me!"

"Could you not yell at me. I am not suitable dating material for you. You deserve someone who wants you the way you want them. I don’t know if I ever will be that person you want."

"What about the video and the tour?"

"Johnny already go someone else for the video. The tour is on a need to know basis so I guess you will know when I know."

"This really fucked up how could you do this to me."

"I didn’t do anything to you. I just think it would be the best for both of us. Justin you care more about me then I do about you."

"What the hell is going on with you. Just the other day you were saying how much you liked where this was going. What changed?"

"Look Justin I am not going to be the one you want. I have been trying to convince myself I can do this but I can’t. I was pushed to be over Chad and I am but I never got to really let him go."

"So what you want to get back with him so he can treat you like shit."

"Fuck you Justin you don’t even know the whole story. So you can take you and your fucking attitude and leave. I thought you would understand what I am saying to you. I thought you would understand I guess I gave you more fucking credit then you deserve. So take your fucking attitude and leave my fucking house."

"Fine I am outta here."

This is not how Ana wanted things to end. She was hoping that they could be friends. There was never any hope for that now or ever. She hoped that Johnny wouldn’t put her on either of his tours. She had probably just ended the one thing that could’ve been good for her. Justin was the type of guy she could be proud to have in her life. Of course her thoughts got the best of her and she did what she did best ended it. She was doing the exact thing that she was pissed at Aud at running away. But she wasn’t running away from anything she was just tired of it. She was tired of trying to convince herself that she could fall for Justin. She needed this time alone to see if she could really handle being on her own. She had depended on Audrie for too much and now she was going to achieve this on her own. This was her dream and her dream only.