Sunday March 29, 2006

Ana’s pov in her journal...

So life on my own is just that my own. I haven’t talked to Audrie or Justin since I got back to New York. Johnny had told me he got Channing Tatum to do my video for Crowded. Did I mention that he is really gorgeous. Ok I know I was a semi-bitch with Justin but I wasn’t good enough for him. I am scared out of my mind to fall hopelessly in love with him. He is the type of guy you could do that with. I know the girls in his past have hurt him in numerous ways. I know that if he had gotten to know the real me he wouldn’t have liked me the same way. There were some things in my past that happened that I was ashamed of. I know the things that happened I had no control over but still I was ashamed. Now I know I have never told anyone nor have I ever written this in anything I have. In order for me to come to grips with this I have to be able to say it to myself. Well I was raped. On a drunken night when Chad came home he didn’t stop when I asked. He knew damn well I was waiting for marriage he still did that too me. How do I tell a guy that I am in love with or possibly falling for I was raped. That is something not even Aud knows and I know I should’ve told her. I did tell someone and it was the wrong someone. It took a lot for me to do it but I did it anyways I told my mom. I wish for that moment I could have a do over and never have told her. She told me her only daughter that is was something I had coming. How could a mother tell her daughter that? How did anyone deserve something as bad as rape? Could anyone wish that upon anyone. I mean really I had made my enemies but I would never wish anything as bad as rape upon anyone. I know I should talk to someone about this but I am so damn ashamed I don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t even know how to start telling anyone this.

JC’s house in LA.

"Aud are you ever going to talk to her?"

"No, JC she made it perfectly clear she wants nothing to do with me. I can’t make her be my friend when she doesn’t want to."

"Aud she’s your best friend with a friendship like yours its not something you walk away from. You have to fight for it and I don’t see you doing that."

"I can’t do it anymore Jayce. I can’t do this anymore I’m moving back to Arizona."

"No, your not doing that. You are going to stay and fight for whatever it is you want."

"Fight for what I don’t have any fight left in me."

"Talk to me Audrie I mean really talk to me. You say you love me well love me enough now to tell me who you really are. If you can’t do that then go ahead and go back to Arizona. Because if your not willing to fight now for your friendship or our relationship then you can go. Because I want someone who is going to fight and not run away."

"I’m sorry Jayce I can’t do this I do love you. I love you so fucking much that I left my best friend to be here. I made the decision without telling her and now I don’t know what the fuck to do. I lost her because I pushed and pushed her to push that ass out of her life. I made her get over Chad without her being ready to get over him. I made her do the things that I am still in the process of doing. How can I say I love you when I am not over my ex-Joe. I left Arizona to get a new beginning and I’m still living in my past. Jayce when I left Arizona it wasn’t cause I wanted to. My parents told me to leave and get a new start I knew Ana would take me in so I did. But when I left I left my child behind. My parents thought I was too young to have a kid. So they agreed to keep it and say it was their’s as long as I moved out of Arizona."

"Oh hun come here why didn’t you say anything."

"I was scared you wouldn’t really like me and I still haven’t told Ana. I don’t know how to tell her I abandoned my child just like her mom did to her. That’s something she would never understand. She is so full of hate when it comes to things like this. Sure she had her mom in her life but she might of well abandoned her. If I had told her she would’ve hated me forever and never talk to me again."

"Do you know that for sure Aud?"

"I don’t know we have never discussed what would happen if we ever had kids."

"Aud you need to talk to her and tell her the truth. This is what you need to do you have been carrying this all alone with no help. You need her for this she’s your person and you need her."

"She’s going to hate me I know it."

"You won’t know it until you talk to her. Hold on babe let me get the door."

"Ok."

"Uh Justin what are you doing here?"

"She dumped me. Ana dumped me!."

"What happened Justin?"

"I don’t know she told me she is over Chad and that she wasn’t suitable dating material for me. JC I loved her I was really falling in love with her. I wanted to make a life with her now she’s making her video with Channing ‘Fucking’ Tatum. The tour is more than likely off with the two of us."

"Oh Justin I am sorry this more than likely has nothing to do with you. I pushed her to move on and let go of Chad when she wasn’t ready. I made her do things that she wasn’t ready to do. I made her do the things that I wasn’t ready to do."

"Wait you can’t make someone do anything they don’t want to do."

"Actually I did make her and force her to move on and forget about Chad. Those are the things that I still haven’t done but asked her to do. I know she wasn’t ready to move on but I convinced her it was for the best."

"Look Audrie no matter what you say you can’t force anyone. She is still hung up on Chad so I am done. I am not going to convince her I am the one for her. I am going to do my thing and move one."

Audrie knew that this isn’t what Ana wanted. She knew her better than she knew herself. There was something that Ana hadn’t told her and she wanted to know what it was. Audrie was ready to let go of Joe and reclaim her son. Her parents had sent her weekly reports of her son and that made her miss him more. Her son was five years old and wanted to be apart of his life. He knew she was his mother but that wasn’t good enough. She wanted to hold her son and she wanted to see him walk.

The Waldorf-Astoria

"So Johnny when do I start filming for the video?"

"I believe the start date is this Friday and Saturday. Also I know you have you’re home base in LA is that permanent?"

"Yeah I have my own home. Why?"

"Well I think we might have to sell that one and relocate you to a much securer property. Is Audrie going to live with you?"

"Actually like I said our relationship is over. So I think something small and simple would be good enough for me."

"Alright I have some people looking into that for you. Ok tomorrow we have the TRL where you are going to debute your single."

"You mean I am going to sing live?"

"Yes you are. Then later we are going to have a little party to introduce you to the music world. On April 7th though that’s when we will have the bigger party. That’s the day of your album release so that’s going to be a big night."

"Wow Johnny that’s a lot."

"Yeah there are quite a few shows you are going to be doing this week. Is there anything you need to tell me?"

"Well Johnny I don’t really talk to my family much except my dad, my ex beat me so bad that I ended up in the hospital, and I was raped."

"Oh Ana I will have our people on this so that we can keep it a secret. Is that what you want?"

"Yes please Johnny I don’t want any of this out. If at all possible I never want to talk about it."

"Well at some point you might have to but we will do our best to keep it out of the public."

"Thank you Johnny."

"So the Justin thing?"

"I’m not good enough for him Johnny. He doesn’t know about the rape though. I knew for sure that if knew he’d hate me. He would think what my mom made everyone else think." Ana was on the verge of tears but she couldn’t help it. This is something she should be sharing with her friend but instead was telling Johnny. She could finally take a breathe and relax. She was ready to deal with the rape and move on for good.

"Ana sweetie what could your mom make people think?"

"She made everyone think I deserved it. She told my family and friends that I was a slut and I asked for it. She adored Chad and she wouldn’t dare think Chad would hurt a human soul. Even when he beat me she said I must’ve said something to him and I got what I had coming."

"Ana sweetie forget what your mom said. You didn’t deserve one single thing that happened. Chad wasn’t a man he is a coward. Because any man that would hit or rape a defenseless woman is just that not a man." Ana couldn’t believe what she was hearing someone who was defending her. She had heard of guys that did that but she had never met one. Johnny barely knew her and he was standing up for saying the things she needed to hear.

"Johnny thank you that means so much."

"Sweetie get some rest you are going to need it."

Justin wasn’t going to let this end the way she wanted it to. He was going to fight for her because she was worth it. She may have not thought she was worth the fight but for him she was. There were pain and suffering in her eyes and he wanted to be the one to ease that pain. He wanted to be the one holding her and kissing her. He didn’t want to see her video with Channing because it should’ve been him. He should be her love interest in the video and in life. So he was doing what he had to do and bringing along Audrie and JC. He knew that their friendship was important to her and he was going to mend that first. He was going to do his best effort to fix that relationship and then work on theirs. Why was he caring so much about her? Why couldn’t he just let her go like she asked? Why no matter what he did could he not get his mind off her?

"J its going to be ok. I think I am going to do what I have made her do. I am going to really let go of Joe and bring my baby home."

"He’s a cute lil boy what’s his name?"

"It’s Damien Nathaniel Belle."

"Belle?"

"Yeah I used her last name she’s my girl and I wanted him to have a part of her."

"Wow that’s so great of you to want that."

"Yeah I love her and I have to tell her I have a son. I have kept it a secret for five years. I know she might hate me in the beginning but I know she’ll love me in the end."

"You know she’s going to Aud. You’re her best friend no matter what she said."

"No, she had every right to say what she said. I needed to hear it from her and I am glad she finally said something."

"It was said with love you know that right?"

"I know J she loves me enough to tell me to do what I did to her. If she didn’t care about me she wouldn’t have been so angry with everything."

"I’m glad you know that."

"J she really does like you its just I pushed her so hard so fast that a relationship scares her. I know she has nothing but hate for Chad but she never really got to get over him. I made her hell I pushed her to get over this guy she loved. I know now that I was wrong to do that to her. I should’ve given her the space she needed."

"Who the hell is calling me? Hello?"

"Hi, um this is Channing Tatum I was wondering if you were free?"

"Oh my hey yeah I am did you want to do something?"

"Well I am down stairs maybe we could just get some dinner here and talk."

"You know what I will be down in 10."

"Yeah right a girl get ready in 10 min I’ll believe it when I see it."

"Oh so you wanna make a bet with me?"

"Sure what’s the bet?"

"How bout dinner and drinks all on you."

"Alright its 6:50pm I’ll see you at 7:00pm."

"It’s a dare see you at 7."

"No way you cheated you knew I was going to call you."

"Now explain to me how I would know that. I had no clue you were going to call me. So dinner and drinks on you."

"Yeah and by the way you look absolutely gorgeous. I think this is one video I am going to enjoy."

"Well I aim to please so shall we go and eat cause I am starving."

"Oh yes let’s go."

"So have you done music videos before."

"I haven’t done too many but I have done movies. So you are new in the music biz or what?"

"Yeah my album drops next Tuesday and I am rather nervous."

"So any plans this week."

"Yeah I have shows and radio interviews all this week. Then we have the video shoot Friday and Saturday I am so nervous. Oh and I am debuting my single live on TRL tomorrow."

"Really I am doing TRL tomorrow too."

"Wow I guess that’ll be on interesting show then."

"Yeah I guess it is. So are you single or taken?"

"No I am in fact very single. How bout you?"

"I was seeing this girl but things just didn’t work out. So now I am back in the single life dating game."

Ana couldn’t believe she was having such a good time. She was really enjoying getting to know Channing he was funny and so relaxed. She missed Justin and how he made her feel. But in order for her to be what he needed she need to experience life. She had only loved guy in her life and that was Chad. In her heart she knew what she was doing was wrong but couldn’t stop. She knew she would never give her heart or herself to Channing like she would’ve done for Justin. Justin was her great one she knew it and now she had let him go. Let him go to possibly find the one he wanted to be with. If she walked away from this dinner and never talked to Channing again there might have been a chance.

‘Knock knock’

"Hey J uh can I come in?" What the hell am I doing here I don’t owe him anything.

"Yeah come on in. What are you doing here?"

"J I don’t want you thinking I ended things so I could start with Channing. Because that simply isn’t the case. He called me cause he wanted to get to know one another before the shoot Friday."

"Really if that’s all it was then why did he have his arm around you!"

"Look Justin we just having dinner nothing happened."

"Look you don’t owe me a fucking thing. We are merely acquaintances in this business you don’t owe a fucking thing."

"Look Justin I will not let you talk to me that way. You’re right I don’t owe you a fucking thing but yet I am here. I am here because I still fucking care what you think! Channing is just a guy I am going to work with he is nothing more."

"That’s not what the fuck it looked like to me. It looked like he wanted to come back up here with you and get it on."

"Your such a fucking jerk Justin the entire time I was with him I was thinking of you! I was thinking you should be the one in my video! I was thinking I made the wrong fucking choice! The only person I was fucking thinking of tonight was you! But yet here you are accusing me of being a slut. Don’t even try to deny it cause I know you were thinking it."

"Ana I.."

"Don’t even say it Justin cause to be honest I don’t know if I’d believe you. The entire time I was down there I was thinking of how I could tell you."

"Tell me what?"

"Oh you don’t seriously think I am going to tell you now do you."

After she said that she just left his room and him standing there with a dumbfounded look on his face. He knew his imagination had gotten the better of him. Now there was a good chance he drove her to the arms of Channing. He knew she was telling the truth cause if she wasn’t she wouldn’t have come to his room. That’s right she came to his room and fought with him. She cared about him but now he was sure he just might have ruined that.

Ana hated the fact that she had said those things to him but it was the truth. Yes, Channing was nice to look at and fun to talk to but she could never love him. She could never give her mind, body, and soul to him the way she could with Justin. He is the most infuriating man she knew. He was saying shit and he didn’t even realize he was saying it. That’s the problem when speak before you think. More than likely you are saying what you have always wanted to say. But she still like Justin those feelings weren’t going anywhere. Justin had wormed his way into her heart and set up shop. The thing is she wasn’t sure she would ever be ready to tell him how she truly felt.