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(This is what happens when you don't have photoshop)

 

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By: Traci W

Break ups are a hard thing to go through, no matter who you are. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been dumped before, or if you’ve dumped someone. It always takes a person a little time to get over.

I’ve come to realize this over the years, at my rip age of 26 I have been on both sides of the track. I’ve broken up with girls for stupid reasons and I have been dumped for stupid reasons. But nothing compares to my recent break up with Briana.

She truly is the one that got away. Since she left my life has been on a down ward spiral, it just keeps going down, down, down … I don’t even know if there’s a bottom or if I’ll ever get there.

The day we met I was wandering around LA, I know crazy right? Me, by myself, wandering around LA. But I had to get away, there was too much going on with me and I needed to get out and take a breather.

I had just completed my second album, FutureSex/LoveSound, and I was getting ready to show it to management and set up some promotion for it. I knew my life was about to get hectic again. I could handle it, I’ve been doing this since I could remember but this tour was going to be big.

Plus Trace and I were working on the clothing line, and some other projects. So I needed some time to chill out before this whole fiasco started again.

Anyway, so there I was walking down Sunset, sunglasses and baseball cap on trying to hide myself. I didn’t know where I was going, I jus wanted to walk. I had Trace drop me off so that he could run some errands or something; I don’t even know and I just started walking.

I ended up at this little coffee place, I know it sounds like so clique but it’s true. I hadn’t had a good cup of coffee in so long, so I went inside and there she was—wiping off tables with a green apron over her jeans and white T-shirt. She had her hair tied back in a pony tail; come to think of it she always had it tied back in a pony tail or out of her face.

She looked annoyed a fuck too, she just kept wiping tables, and clearing dishes putting them into a cream colored tub. She didn’t pay me any attention when I walked in; she just went about busting tables.

I forced myself to stop looking at her long enough to order a drink and buy a newspaper and went to sit down on one of those over stuffed chairs that was in the corner.

I sat back, my sunglasses still on my head and I glance at her again bringing the hot drink to my lips. She’s behind the counter now talking to one of her co-workers when I notice her glance at me. I quickly divert my eyes to the newspaper sitting on my lap and begin to open it to make it look like I was doing something besides staring.

I hear her laugh, and it’s the most infectious laugh I have ever heard and I can’t help but chuckle. I need to find an excuse to talk to her. I glance up at her again and she’s carrying around a small tray of free samples of their new pumpkin walnut scone or something.

She came over to me with a smile, the tray held out.

“Would you like to try a sample of our pumpkin walnut scone?” she asked,

He looked up at her, the dark sunglasses still over my eyes so maybe she won’t notice how much I’m staring at her.

Before I could stop myself the words came out “Are there nuts in it?”

She stopped and looked at me like I was the biggest idiot ever, “Well, they’re pumpkin walnut” she nodded.

I closed my eyes in embarrassment and hung my head and started to chuckle. She laughed again, that same laugh from before and I could feel my cheeks turning red and I looked up at her, lifting the sunglasses from my eyes.

“Sorry” I mumbled,

She just smiled, “It’s okay” she said “I get that all the time, maybe it’s the way I’m saying it”

“That was like asking someone if an egg sandwich had egg in it” I said jokingly to her.

She giggled and shrugged “Well, we can’t help word vomit” she said with a wink.

I smiled at her again, before reaching out my hand to her.

“I’m Justin”

She moved the tray to her left hand, and reached her right hand out to me.

“Briana”

She did know who I was, her little sister had been in love with me since I was in *Nsync. Maybe it was a little scary that she grew up with my pictures in hanging up in the room she shared with her sister, but it didn’t seem to faze her.

A lot of things didn’t. Even when we started dating and going out to placed and people would come up to me and ask for pictures or whatever else. She just stood off to the side, let me do me and then we’d be on our way.

I’ll tell you one thing; I never expected to leave that coffee place with her number in my phone and the lingering kiss on my cheek from her lips.

Living my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel
I ain't seen the sun shine in three damn days
Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whiskey
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways

I was woken up to this fucking annoying beeping going off in my ear. I reached over blindly for the annoying box that was beside my bedside and smacked the top and the beeping stopped. I sighed, my eyes still glued shut as I snuggled back under the covers of the king size bed I was sleeping in.

The curtains were drawn, so it was still dark in the room and I almost forgot where I was. I’ve been touring, the CD was a hit and everyone wanted a piece of me. I toured the US for awhile, and then went overseas and now I’m back in the US for the 2nd leg. It’s been crazy and none stop. But I kind of like it. Sure every once in awhile I’ll get into a mood and curse out Trace, but he understands and just listens to me.

I can feel the sleep start to take over my body again when there’s a pounding coming from my door. I try to ignore it; I have the biggest headache on earth right now. I thought that drowning myself in drugs and booze would drown out my sorrows. It worked sometimes, but then I would see something or hear something and start thinking about her again.

Before my mind wanders again, there’s another course of knocks on my door and someone calling my name.

“God damn it”

I mumble loudly, as I get myself out of the bed glancing back at the girl who’s laying there snuggled under the covers. I almost forgot about her. I’ve been on a random girl streak, which kinda pisses everyone off, but what the hell do I care. I slip on a pair of my boxers that are scattered on the floor and make my way to the door. God this headache is going to kill me.

I reach the door and pull it open, not really caring who’s on the other side.

“Wake up call”

Fuck. Trace is standing there all cheery and happy. The lights from the hallway are shinning into my room, and my eyes squint trying to adjust. I don’t think I’ve left my hotel room in 3 days.

“What time is it?” I mumble, as I rub my tired eyes.

“It’s time for you to get a move on” Trace says “We’ve got a busy day, and you need to tell the girl you have to get going”

I glance back at the girl, who’s still sleeping in my bed. I turn back over and Trace is holding out a bottle of aspirin for me. That is why he’s my best friend.

“Shit” I said, taking the bottle from him and immediately opening it.

Trace chuckles, “I’m giving you an hour” he said “Be downstairs by then okay?”

I nod, as I wave him off and close the door behind me. I immediately pop a few aspirin into my mouth close the bottle and toss it onto the table. This was going to be a long ass day.

I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
I can't look at you
While I'm lying next to her
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lying next to her

The day has finally ended for me, thank God. Interview after interview and a photo shoot I can finally head back to the hotel and sleep. I have a concert tomorrow and then I’m off to the next State for another concert.

I decided it was best that I didn’t go out tonight, that I just sit in my hotel room and try and keep myself busy. Trace thought it was best too, and offered to come and keep me company instead of going out to a club with everyone. I passed on his invitation.

Maybe I need to be by myself. So after showering I sat in my room in a pair of sweat pants and a sweat shirt sitting on my nicely made bed. I looked around the room and was starting to regret not taking Trace up on his invitation. I was going to go crazy here by myself.

I reached over for the remote on the table that was by the bed and turned on the TV. There had to be something on. I settled on some old movie channel before lying back against the headboard on some pillows and looked at the TV, that movie was already half over and I didn’t understand it.

Maybe I should write something. I got up and went to get my backpack that was on the table and opened it up, pulling out my notebook and a pen. I went back over to the bed and sat down, Indian style on the bed and put the notebook in front of me.

I don’t remember the last time I opened this thing, it feels like an eternity. I start to flip through it and now I know why I haven’t opened it. Most if not all of these songs are about Briana.

I began to flip through them and I felt a piece of paper slid out from the bottom and fall onto the bed. I looked down at the square paper and knew exactly what it was as I reached for it and turned it over.

I could feel the emotion coming back; I closed my eyes and took a breath. I remember taking this picture too, she had just bought a camera (one of her many hobbies) and was running around my house on one of my days off I managed to get and was snapping photo after photo of me.

I had managed to get it away from her long enough to snap this one of her. She kept posing though, which isn’t what I wanted. I wanted it to be a natural picture. We were sitting in the living room on the floor as she played with Buckley and Brennen.

We just got back from lunch with my mom, and both felt like not doing anything the rest of the day. So we went back to my place to chill out. She sat there in the middle of my living room talking to my dogs, she loved dogs. She had one of her own, an Australian Shepard, she called Sam.

For whatever reason the topic of how we first met and she couldn’t stop laughing at the stupid question I had asked about the pumpkin walnut scone. I started to pout and the second she looked at me she threw her head back, closed her eyes and let out the infectious laugh I heard the day I met her.

I couldn’t help but snap the picture. We laughed a lot together.

I opened my eyes again and stared at the picture, I couldn’t help the tears that started to build in my eyes. I closed my eyes quickly, trying to stop them from falling. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my head of thoughts of her, but it wasn’t working. All I saw was her, and she was all I wanted.

The second I opened my eyes I could feel to the tear slid down my cheek and I reached up to wipe it with my fingers. I sniffled before reaching for the pen that I had brought over and pulled off the cap. Maybe writing would help.

I put the pen to the paper and started to write, but the ink wouldn’t come out. It was like it didn’t want me to get over her, like there was some unfinished business. I scribbled a little—maybe the ink was a little dry—but to no avail nothing came out. Frustrated I tossed the pen across the room, and got up going to the mini bar in the corner of the room. I needed something.

I pulled out a few of those mini bottles of Jack and went back to the bed burying myself in the covers with my notebook. I reached for the picture again and took one look at it as I pulled the cap off the bottle, and downed it with one swig. Nothing was going to stop the dreams of her from coming to me tonight.

I called you last night in the hotel
Everyone knows but they won't tell
But their half-hearted smiles tell me something just ain't right
I've been waitin on you for a long time
Fueling up on heartaches and cheap wine
I ain't heard from you in three damn nights

I love sitting outside in this kind of weather in Los Angeles, when the Santa Ana winds start to come in, and I just have to put on some jeans and a comfy long sleeve. Some of the leaves actually start to change color and you can tell fall is coming.

Listening to the wind move through the leaves of trees and watching the branches move back and forth is one of my favorite things to do in the fall. Unfortunately, it also makes me think of Justin. Well, that’s not true. A lot of things make me think of Justin.

I’ve tried not to think about him lately, and it was easier when he left for the UK because even though I heard about what he was doing—you know through the gossip—I didn’t have to worry about the chance of accidentally running into him. But now he’s back on his 2nd leg through the US and he’s everywhere. People are excited. I can understand that, his album is hot.

I got news from a girlfriend I know that works for the magazine he just did a photo shoot for, and she said he didn’t look so good. That worry’s me, we may be broken up but I still care about him, and like knowing he’s okay. That’s why Trace is there, he’s supposed to be there for his friend.

Every since she told me this, I’ve been thinking about calling him and asking if he’s okay. I know I shouldn’t, but I want too.

I’m sitting outside of the balcony of my little apartment, feet up on the railing as I sip my glass of wine. Sam is running around the living, probably trying to find the newest chew toy I got him a couple of days that is sitting next to my chair on the floor.

The sun is starting to set, and I lean my head back and feel the heat beat down on the face warming me up a little but the coolness of the winds take it away. I’ve got my phone sitting on my lap; I’ve been staring at it for the past hour.

I pick it up again, and take another sip of the wine in my glass. It’s almost done, I should fill it up. I’ve drunk almost the whole bottle by myself; I got through wine like water now which isn’t good.

Finally I do it; I dial the familiar number and wait, putting the phone to my ear as I close my eyes. After 3 rings, I’m ready to hang up when I hear that familiar voice.

“This is Trace”

I cough, not purposely but it just comes out.

“Hello?”

“Trace…hey”

There’s a pause.

“Bri?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

He chuckles, and I smile. At least he’ll talk to me.

“Where the hell have you been girl, it’s been a long time”

I smile and nod, even though he can’t see it.

“I know, I jus wanted to see how things were going”

“They’re okay; we’re back in the US now thank God”

I laugh, “Good to be home huh?”

“Oh yeah, that driving on the other side of the street thing scares the shit out of me every time.”

I laugh again, Trace is so great. I miss him. When Justin would have to do his thing, I mostly stayed behind with Trace and we’d shoot the shit. It was fun.

“Where are you guys at right now?” I asked him.

“Uh, we’re in New York for one more night, then we’re about to head to Canada for a few days”

“Sounds like fun”

“Yeah, how’s everything with you? How’s Sam?”

I smile as I look back at Sam who’s now entertained himself with a tennis ball.

“Everything’s fine, Sam’s okay”

“Did you get out of that hell hole of a job yet?”

I’ve been trying to work my way through Veterinarian school for 3 years now. I worked at the coffee place part time for some extra cash when I wasn’t at the pet hospital training there.

“No, not yet” I laugh “Soon though, they’re about ready to place me”

“That’s good girl”

I nod, and take a deep breath before bringing myself to ask him the question I know he’s waiting for.

“So, how is he?” I ask finally.

There is silence for a minute, and I thought maybe he hung up on me. I was about to ask again, when he responded.

“He’s okay” he sighs “Not the greatest, but he’s doing okay”

“Are you lying to me?”

More silence. Which was what I was worried about.

“Trace I-“

“Briana, he isn’t your responsibility anymore”

“I know but I just wanted to-“

“He’ll be fine, it will take some time, but he’ll get over it”

I started to gnaw on my bottom lip, something I did when I didn’t know what to say.

“Look I got to go,” Trace said “It was nice hearing from you, talk to you later”

Before I could respond there was a click. I sighed as I hung up the phone and looked down at it in my hand. I looked at my other hand, and brought the wine glass to my lips taking the last gulp from it. This was going to be a long ass night.

I put your picture away
I wonder where you've been
I can't look at you while I'm lying next to him
I put your picture away
I wonder where you've been
I can't look at you while I'm lying next to him

When it started to get dark I brought myself back into my apartment because it starts to get too cold and I get goose bumps. So I went back inside, bringing my wine glass and Sam’s toy before shutting my sliding glass door.

I went back into the kitchen to fill up my glass and then headed back into the living room to make myself a spot on the couch for the night. I pulled the throw from the back of my couch and put it over myself.

Sam had disappeared into my bedroom since I ended my phone call and let out a big scream out on the balcony. I reached for the remote on the coffee table and turned on the TV trying to find something to watch.

I settled on my Law and Order reruns, and brought my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on it as I watched the TV, bringing the glass to my lips.

This is what my nights consisted off, usually by the time I’m done with my class and working at the coffee place I’m too tired to do anything. Before I would make the effort to go see Justin sometimes when he was close by and I could get out of class early on a weekend but most of the nights I was here.

I’d get a call from family occasionally, and Wendy my best friend and co worker at the coffee place. Sometimes Wendy sets me up on a date, which I hate, but I do it just for her. But not tonight, tonight I sit with my wine and Law and Order re-runs.

While engrossed with my TV, I heard something drop from my room and Sam start to whimper. I looked towards my bedroom door,

“Sam!” I called.

There was silence. I sighed and sat up putting my glass down.

“Sam!” I called again.

Sam peeked his out of the door way, he had something in his mouth. I smiled at him,

“C’mer Sammy” I said, holding out my hand to him.

He makes a little whimper noise before making his way over to me. I look at the object in his mouth, what is that? He reaches me, and I rub his head before taking the object from his mouth that now has some of his drool on it and turn it over.

I almost dropped it when I saw what it was. Sam sat down on the floor in front of me, his ears going back and he whimpers. The picture was the one I used to put by my bedside when Justin was away and I didn’t get a chance to be with him.

I remember taking the picture too. I got some days off and decided to head out to see him in the latest city he was in. Getting there was like the biggest fiasco ever, from getting from the airport to the hotel he was in without getting mobbed by paparazzi or fans was like the biggest challenge.

Trace made it work though, he always did. He even managed to keep Justin in the dark the whole time, so it would be a surprise.

I remember walking in through the back, thinking it would hide me but it didn’t they still got pictures those bastards. So I got into the hotel through the back way, and then make my way up the elevator. I hadn’t seen him in about a month, and I was so excited.

I got off the elevator and looked down the hall walking to the end where his room was. Trace handed me the key when I got there to surprise him. I quickly slipped the key through the lock and it clicked open, and I lugged my bags inside.

The curtains were half way drawn, but the sun was still shinning through. I looked around the small living room and noticed some of Justin’s clothes thrown about. I laughed to myself as continued my journey through the living room to the room that I assumed was the bedroom.

The door was half open, and I poked my head in almost sighing at the sight. Justin was lying fast asleep on the bed, his body curled up under a black comforter with his arm stretched out and his head resting on the pillow.

I couldn’t help but run back to my bag and get my camera out snapping the photo of him. It was a time when things between us were good, and these moments were cherished.

I almost jumped when I felt Sam’s wet nose rub against my hand as I looked down at the picture. I don’t even remember where I had this picture, it used to be by my bedside but it hasn’t been there in months.

I closed my eyes feeling the tears rush to my eyes, and I covered my eyes with my hand trying to will them to not leak the tears. But I couldn’t help the emotions I could feel rushing to my face, as I felt a tear slid down my cheek.

I sniffled quickly, putting the picture frame onto the coffee table sitting it up so I was looking at it. I could feel more tears fall down my cheeks as I tried to wipe them away as fast as they were coming but it wasn’t working.

Sam moved himself next to me on the couch, and reached over starting to lick at the tears on my face. I tried to move, because I didn’t want my face smelling like dog but he just kept following me as I lay across the couch. He stretched out and lay next to me.

“Did I make a mistake Sam?” I questioned watching him, rubbing his ears lightly.

Sam gave a little bark, and I sniffled before leaning over to kiss his head.

“You’ll never leave me will you?” I ask him.

Sam began to lick at my face again and I smiled and gave him a nice rub. I reached over and took another drink of my wine, before lying back against the couch again.

Maybe Sam was trying to tell me something with this picture, maybe I shouldn’t give up on Justin. Maybe I should call him instead of Trace and see how things are.

Maybe.

I saw you yesterday with an old friend

I can’t believe that Wendy is dragging me to this thing. She knows that I want nothing to do with coffee ever again. I finally am out of that coffee house and in a Pet clinic in Hollywood. But she insisted on taking me to this coffee tasting place, where they have different kinds of things made out of coffee and different flavors. I guess old habits die hard.

She comes rushing over to me holding a small package, opening it up.

“Smell this” she said, stuffing the bag into my face.

I gave a little cough after taking too much of the aroma in at once.

She giggles, “It’s chocolate raspberry with cream” her eyes get big.

I can’t help but smile at her, “You really are a psycho” I reply.

She smacks my shoulder before tying the bag up; “I just love coffee” she smiles.

I roll my eyes, “You like caffeine” I say.

She looked at me and nods, “Yes…I do” she says.

We continue walking down the next aisle, Wendy stopping every booth to smell the latest scent and see what they have. I browse too, but I really don’t plan on buying anything—I only came because she needed someone to go with.

I was standing off to the side, looking around at the people who were walking around trying to get to every booth before their supplies were gone when I noticed someone familiar out of the corner of my eye.

I turned my head slightly, not making it obvious that I was staring and I noticed him.

Justin and Trace were talking to one of the venders. Justin had his black sunglasses on and was still dressed in his usual jeans and a t-shirt. Trace looked the same except he had a trucker hat on, and no sunglasses.

I quickly turned back to Wendy who was busy chatting up the lady, trying to get her to lower the price of the assorted coffee. I quickly walked over to her, tugging onto her arm.

“We need to go” I said.

She turned to me, her eye-brows scrunching in confusion.

“What? Why we just got here” she pouts “We haven’t even finished the rounds”

I sighed, “Wendy” I pout back, before moving my eyes to the left hoping she would catch my hint.

She looked behind me, and I saw her face light up. Before I could stop her, she squealed and moved to the side of me. I reached for her arm to stop her, but it was too late.

“Trace!” she called.

I groaned and closed my eyes, hanging my head.

It was the same old same how have you been

I was standing with my arms crossed over my chest, watching Trace as he talked to the guy about some assorted coffee he was trying to find for his mom or something. I don't even know. I told him I would go with him while he tried to find something for his mom's birthday and I have no idea how or why we ended up here.

I was looking around the room, watching all the crazies run around like this shit was gold or something. I licked my lips before turning back to Trace who was taking cash out of his wallet.

"We're almost done" he assured me.

I rolled my eyes before sighing. He said that an hour ago.

Before I could say anything though, I heard someone call his name. We both turned at the same time to see a women walking towards us. It took me a minute to realize who she was, but Trace apparently knew and was making his way towards her.

"Wendy" he laughed "How are you girl?"

She said something before they embraced in a hug.

Wendy? Why does that name sound so familiar? Then I saw her, Briana she was making her way towards Wendy and Trace. I haven't seen her in almost a year; wow I can't believe it’s been that long.

Now I remember, Wendy is Briana's best friend from the coffee place. She hung out with us a couple of times when Briana came to visit me. Sometimes it was just the four of us; we always had a good time though.

I start making my way towards them as Trace broke his hug with Briana. She's stands next to Wendy, her arms crossed as Wendy turns to me with a smile.

"Hey Justin" she says,

I try my best to smile, as she walks towards me and hugs me. Trace is talking to Briana about something, as Wendy looked up at me.

“How you doin buddy?” she asks as we break the hug.

I smile, “I’m okay, jus relaxing right now”

She nods, “You’ve been a busy boy”

I chuckle and nod, “Yeah, pretty busy”

She turns to look at Trace and Briana before looking back at me,

“Awkward huh?” she asks me.

I nod before giving a small chuckle.

“Things are ok?” I ask her, before glancing at Briana.

She may be out of my life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still care about her. Wendy looks back at me.

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?” she says.

I sigh. I hear that familiar laugh again, as Briana as one of her hands resting on Trace’s shoulder. He chuckling too, his face starting to turn red. I look back at Wendy, who’s shoeing me toward her.

I roll my eyes before stepping towards them, clearing my throat. Trace and Briana both turn to me as I step forward.

Her smile puts me at ease, as she turns to me.

“Hey Justin” she says, her voice is kind of a whisper.

“Hey” I reply, my voice just as soft.

She was making her way towards me and I knew we were gonna go through that awkward hug thing. She hugged me, her arms wrapping around my neck and I closed my eyes as I wrapped my arms around her waist.

We broke the hug, and gave each other some space.

“How have you been?” I ask.

She smiles, “Good, I’m finally working with animals at a Pet Clinic in Hollywood”

“Wow, out of the coffee place huh?” I ask

She nods, “I’m here cause Wendy wants to try some new coffee” she rolls her eyes.

I chuckle, “Yeah, Trace is getting some for his mom”

She nods; we’re both quiet again before she speaks.

“You look good” she says,

I smile, “Thanks” I say, “So do you”

She smiles again, at that moment Trace has said something in his typical Trace fashion and we’re laughing together like old friends. Seeing her again wasn’t as bad as I thought, she seems to have moved onto bigger and better things and so have I.

Maybe this was how it was supposed to be.

Maybe.

The End

Picture – Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow

Comments? Questions? E-mail me at Spacey1141@hotmail.com