Lyrics - Monsoon – Robbie Williams – Escapalogy.
Chris Kirkpatrick Song Fic. If you know the song, you can guess the content.
I've sung some songs that were lame
I've slept with girls on the game.
I've got my Catholic shame
Lord I'm in purgatory
Basically it's all come-on talk for me
Listening to this song, you would think this would be a story about Joey Fatone, but it’s not. It’s me, Christopher Alan Kirkpatrick, the oldest member of the group formally known as *NSYNC. This is my secret diary, the story of my life.
The early years in Germany, that’s where the hookers came in. Young, free, single and horny, but no time to take a girl out and get to know her. Hookers and easy lays, that was the order of the day. Difficult to do with two underage kids and their mothers in tow, but I managed. A different city, a different girl. My life spent going from one easy lay to the next. German girls, French girls, English girls. You name it, I had them.
Once we started getting our names in the magazines, our faces on the television, I didn’t have to pay any more. Girls were throwing themselves at us. Sleeping with me in the hope of getting to JC or Justin probably, but I wasn’t saying no. Heck – the kid was only 15, he didn’t know what to do with the girls, so he passed them my way.
I wasn't me when we met
You haven't lost my respect
I'm here to serve and protect
What shape of insanity
Keeps leading you back to me?
I first met Sandy when we came back to America. The first album was picking up steam and I had that pop star arrogance down to a fine art. I met her at a record company do. Everyone kow-towing to us all, slipping the kids alcohol, trying to get in our beds.
Sandy was different. She was aloof, stayed away. I needed to have her, to touch her, to taste her. She didn’t go near any of us, at the party in our honour, it wasn’t right. She needed to be taught a lesson.
I pursued her relentlessly, that night and in the weeks to come. Playing the smooth guy, the confident guy, the shy guy, what ever I could to try to get her into bed. That’s all I wanted, just to prove that I could.
It didn’t take long, my contacts got her telephone number, a love song on the answer machine got her address, 12 red roses got me a ‘yes’ to come out to dinner. Wining and dining her got her into my hotel room. Champagne got her into my bed.
So put your hands across the water
a mushroom
Monsoon
Come soon
She was a good lay, nice breasts, she kept herself tidy down there, all waxed and trimmed. I gave her a good time, I’m sure. I didn’t go to all that effort for a cheap throwaway fuck. All that effort deserved at least two shags and some head. If not more. I could have fallen in love with her, if I’d let myself.
Don't wanna piss on your parade
I'm here to make money and get laid
Yeah I'm a star but I'll fade
If you ain't stickin your knives in me
You will be eventually
I left early the next day, leaving her a note saying ‘thanks’ and the complementary pillow chocolate. Ignored her phone calls for the next three weeks until she eventually quit her job with Jive and stopped calling me.
She was the first of many in America. As we became more and more popular, the kids grew up, it was harder for me to pick up the women. Everyone wanted Justin, or if not him, JC. I used them though, it’s amazing how many lays you can get by promising to introduce them the next day. I never did though.
Even when I had a steady girlfriend, the groupies were still around. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her, and I didn’t want to hurt her so she didn’t know.
I was always careful though, you have to be these days. Can you imagine the headlines?
To all you Sharons and Michelles
With all your tales to sell
Save your meat money well
I'm glad that spending a night with me
Guaranteed you celebrity.
Nothing ever got out, who wants to talk about Chris Kirkpatrick’s life when Justin is dating Brittany Spears? Sometimes it’s good to be me. All the pleasure, non of the hassle. Yes, women tried to sell their stories. No one bought them though, or the record company bought their silence pretty quickly.
So I kept doing it, a woman here, two women there. I had a nice night once with some twins. Oh, that’s one for the photo album, if I kept one.
And I can't talk in a crowd
When I'm alone I'm too loud
You've done your daddy's proud
Thank you for keeping me company
You've all been so nice to me
I kept up the persona of being the funny one, the wacky one, anything to take away from the fact that I was actually the old one with the rapidly expanding waistline. As the stomach increased, getting the ladies became more difficult. Justin was single now, playing the game. Lance had woken up one morning looking buff and goodness knows what happened to JC, but if I swung that way, I so would. The guy is just pretty.
The urge to get laid went away, I guess I just finally woke up one morning and thought ‘I want more than this’. I stopped picking girls up, left them to the young, free, single and horny members of the group, that just wasn’t me anymore.
The guys wondered what had happened to me, to the point where they asked the tour doctor to have a word. I guess they didn’t understand that there comes a time when you just don’t want to play the field anymore.
So put your hands across the water
a mushroom
Monsoon
Come soon
Oh Lord
I feel
Nothing
I know much smarter men
Never got this far
So I’m at home now, on ‘hiatus’. Going through my things, getting my life in order. Trying to make my house into a home. I’ve been looking through old boxes, things my Mom has had in her garage for years. Looking at the past is never a good idea. It makes me feel old.
I’ve found a number though, Sandy’s number. I type it into my phone without even thinking and it actually rings.
A young girl answers the phone and I ask her if her mommy is in. Less than a minute later a familiar voice answers. I ask if it’s Sandy and she tells me it is. I tell her who I am and she hangs up.
I got too many regrets
I've smoked too many cigarettes
I've had more blondes than brunettes
I'm not expecting your sympathy
But it's all been too much for me
Two days later I get a phone call, from Sandy. She’d written down my number off caller display. I ask what she’s up too, she tells me she’s fine. I ask if she’s seeing anyone, she tells me she’s not.
I apologise for using her, she apologies to me too. I ask why, she asks to come visit.
She’s just left. Sandy and my daughter. My beautiful daughter that I haven’t known for all these years because I thought with my dick not my brain.
It will be different now though, I’m sure. Sandy is still a great looking woman, maybe its time to start wooing her again. This time with feeling.
So put your hands across the water
a mushroom
Monsoon
Come soon
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