JC Chasez walked into his house carrying his mail. He flipped through it as he stepped over the threshold, seeing if anything was worth opening. He stopped dead in his tracks when he recognized the graceful penmanship of his ex-girlfriend Amelia. "Oh, my God," he breathed. His stomach immediately felt empty, his heart was in his throat, and his feet went numb. Blinking a few times, he tossed the other letters onto his foyer table, and went in the living room to sit on the couch before he toppled over from feeling faint. She was the last person he expected to hear from, since they had broken up more than two years ago. He sat gingerly, and turned the letter over in his hands, deciding whether to open it or not, afraid of what he'd find. He licked his slightly chapped lips, and ran a single hand through his soft curls. He suspected he was just as nervous to read it as she had been to write it. He knew her all too well, since tenth grade to be exact. She hadn't been involved in anything he did, just went to the same church. He sat back on the couch for a second, thinking about the last time he saw her.
*FLASHBACK, 2 months ago*
JC was attending the wedding of a couple he hardly knew, but his girlfriend knew a bridesmaid, so he did the obligatory boyfriend task of escorting her. They were too late for the ceremony, so everyone was eating, talking, and laughing at the reception by the time they got there.
"JC, make sure you stay by me, okay? I only know Leoni, and I don’t want to be separated from you."
"Don't worry, Jill." He smiled at her, and kissed her cheek. He could feel his fingers go numb at her grip on his hand as he was dragged across the courtyard to where the wedding party was. He watched as a group of about four girls were talking in a huddle, standing out in matching lavender gowns. As they walked past tables of people eating, he adjusted his sunglasses with his free hand. It was then he noticed a woman duck behind a napkin. He overheard someone whisper to her, "What's wrong, Amelia?" which was followed by an urgent "Shhh!"
JC looked at the body of the disguised person, and knew in a heartbeat who it was. His ex. Feeling his stomach drop to his knees, he was pulled back, literally, to reality by Jill, who was introducing him to her friend. He heard the pride and haughtiness in her voice as she stated, "And this is my boyfriend, JC Chasez." He grinned, and shook Leoni's hand. "Nice to meet you," was all he said. The chatter that ensued faded as he drifted away in his thoughts of Amelia. He didn’t even realize he missed her until that moment. Turning to see if she was still there, he noticed she was gone.
*END FLASHBACK*
Deciding he needed alcohol first, he went to his kitchen, the letter stuffed in his back pocket, and poured himself a gin and tonic. "It's five o'clock somewhere," he tried to convince himself, and strolled to his study, drink in hand.
Sitting in his leather armchair, he scooted up to his desk, setting the letter on the wood surface. He stared at it for a few minutes, sipping the clear liquid, avoiding the lime wedge. Fingering the white envelope, he reached for his letter opener, and carefully swiped the flap open. He pulled the light pink stationery paper out, and unfolded the sheets to their full size. He knew she didn’t spray the paper with her perfume, but he could smell her. He would know that scent anywhere. He thought it was the same thing that pulled his view in her direction at the wedding. He closed his eyes for a second, and brought the paper to his nose, taking it all in. Yes, it was definitely her. His chest grew tight at the thought of reading the letter, but he knew he had to feed his curiosity. Swallowing, he lowered his eyes to the blue ink.
"Dear Josh,
I'm not completely sure why I'm doing this, or even what I'm going to say. So I'm just going to write, and hopefully the right words come out. And maybe the wrong words will come out, too, but that's okay.
Let me start off by explaining about the wedding. I know you looked for me after I left, but I just couldn't be in your presence. It was too painful. I hope you understand, since you were the one who caused it."
JC winced.
"That wasn't meant to hurt you, but it's true. You know what I mean, but in case you need clarification... When you say you want to start dating someone, it's best if you call them to make a date. Otherwise, why did you say the things you did? Telling me you still loved me after all this time, that we were still best friends... How many people can you say actually stood by you all this time? (Family not included here, Josh.) God, there's so much that I want and have to say here, and I'm getting flustered already. I'm going for honesty here, so bear with me.
What happened to the guy that I could always count on to call when I needed someone to talk to? Who knew my every move? The guy I went to the dance with senior year? The sweet guy that told me he loved me even though I hurt him when we broke up after two months sophomore year? (I've never forgiven myself for that, you know.)"
"You really should, Amelia," he said, shaking his head.
"No, I won't. Don't say that I have to."
How does she do that? JC thought.
"Anyway, I just miss you, I guess. It's been ages since we've actually had a conversation that didn't encompass movies, actors, or your stupid little brother. I miss talking about us, about you and your amazing accomplishments. And I miss the encouragement you gave me. When did we start drifting apart? (God, that sounds like a line from one of your songs...)
I know we started seeing other people there for a while. And I think it was great for the both of us, since we really learned a lot from those relationships. Although I think you would have done just fine without being left like that. She was a bitch, and I'll still kick her ass if I see her. I promise.
Do you know how hard it was to tell you that I was going to marry Jared? I wasn't prepared to have that conversation that night, but there you were, and... there I was. I had to tell you. But God, how wrong I was. You know how that mess turned out. Not as harshly as yours did, but at least I know how you must have felt. I guess it puts us on an even playing field in the relationship department."
JC felt hot tears sting his eyes at the memory of that night as he sighed deeply.
*FLASHBACK, 1 year ago*
JC walked out of the back room with a dishtowel slung over his shoulder. He had been washing communion cups after an evening service, and he noticed Amelia walking past the door.
"Hey, um, Amelia." JC smiled at her as she looked up at him.
"Hey," she said, her breath becoming shallow. She readjusted her purse over her shoulder, juggling sheet music and her violin case. "What's up?"
"Just, you know, doing my duty," he said, gesturing behind him to the sink.
"Right." Amelia nodded. Looking down at her feet, Amelia sighed. "I'm glad I ran into you, Josh. There's something I wanted to talk to you about." Her expression became heavy, and JC tilted his head to the side.
"Sure, Amelia, anything." His expression was serious.
They sat on the closest pew, and Amelia set her things on the ground. Biting her bottom lip, she looked into JC's eyes. He raised an eyebrow, encouraging her to speak.
"I'm sorry, hon, I'm trying to figure out how to say this. I've been meaning to call you, but... I guess this is as good a time as any." Her shoulders shrugged, and then became slumped.
JC's brow became creased, and he placed a palm against her shoulder. "You okay, sweetie? Is something wrong?"
Amelia shook her head, not sure why she was having such a hard time talking to her best friend of six years. Her belly was aflutter with nerves, and she couldn't keep his gaze without finding him extremely attractive. Which was something she felt she couldn't do. Not with the news she had, anyway.
"You know I'm with Jared, right?"
"Um... Yeah, I think I remember you talking about him, sure." JC's stomach dropped, and his throat tightened at the thought of her having a boyfriend that wasn't himself. The truth was, he knew about him. He loathed the notion of him. He grinned, though, because he didn't want her to know he was falling apart inside.
"Well, um..." She sighed again, clearing her throat, trying to find the words, "he asked me to marry him, Josh."
Feeling the blood leave his face, he stood up and began to pace slowly. Hands on his hips, he opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Amelia stood with him, and gently grabbed his elbow, stopping him.
"Josh, I'm sorry. I didn’t know it would upset you like this." She paused. "He hasn't even given me a ring..."
"What?!? This guy's asked you to marry him, but didn't give you a ring? What kind of guy is this? He doesn't deserve you, Amelia! What the hell are you thinking?" JC's hands were flailing everywhere, as he tried to make sense of the news.
"Josh, stop it." Amelia said, trying to calm him down. "You don't understand what the circumstances are. He..."
"Yeah, you're right, I don't understand. I thought when a guy proposed, it was supposed to be thought out, planned, and a ring is definitely involved. Did you say yes?"
Feeling tears well up in her eyes, Amelia spoke quietly with a broken voice. "I said yes, because I love him. I don't need a ring to know how much someone loves me. You above all people should know that."
JC watched her lower lip tremble, and he immediately felt terrible. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry. It's just... I don't want you to think... Amelia, you know I love you. And I want the best for you. I want you to be happy, loved, and..." She was crying openly now. He reached for her shoulder, and she crumpled into his chest.
"I didn't think you'd be mad..." She sniffed. "I thought you'd be happy for me. I guess I always thought it'd be you to ask me to marry you, but..." JC heard her sob, not able to get another word out. He rubbed her back soothingly, kissing the top of her head.
*END FLASHBACK*
Setting the letter on his desk, he leaned back in his chair, taking a break. He ran his hands over his face, tending to his teary eyes. He looked out the window at the overcast sky, and thought of the impending rain. Reaching for his desk lamp, he touched the base, casting a golden light onto his desk. Licking his lips, JC took another swallow of his gin and tonic. He then returned his gaze to the powder pink paper that held the rest of Amelia's letter.
"So I thought you'd be happy when I told you that I had broken up with him six months later. That was my intention when I came to visit you in the studio that day, and nothing else. I just wasn't expecting to fall in love with you again so fast. But all it took was one look, and I know you felt it, too. You can't hide that look from me. You know I can read you like a book. But there was her... You just had to tell me about her, didn't you? I guess I should have been glad you were honest with me, but I hated you right then. I needed comfort and support, and maybe I could have gotten it if you weren't with her. And I hated her name... Candy. Who names their child that? Only really cruel parents, that's who. You and I would never name our child that... Remember when we talked about us having kids? I think you focused more on how we'd get kids in the first place, but... then again, you are a boy. Really, Josh... what happened? Personally, I think you're scared. Scared of me, how far and how fast we'd fall, and the thought that we could be it for each other. Like if we got together, we'd never break up. And that scares you. Not to mention puts a damper on studio time, right? Or... that's what you think. I don't know how you get some of the ideas in your head that you do... Would I really step on your dreams? Make you put me before your passion?"
Again, JC winced.
"Honey, really. You know me better than that. And that's what makes me sad. Knowing me the way you do, and still thinking that I might hold you back in some way. It's the last thing I would want to do. Ever.
So about this dating thing... what the heck was going through your brain? When I came to the studio, and you took me to lunch, and we sat in the parking lot for half an hour, discussing what we wanted... I went home so happy that day. I thought, finally. Our time to be together was here. I couldn't wait for Friday. We had a date. All that time spent flirting, tickling, just cuddling, holding hands, making out sporadically over the years, would have some kind of meaning. All of it would be able to be expressed to everyone else. People would know that we were in love and 7 years of friendship and love could be articulated properly... But Friday came and went. Then three more Fridays sped by without a word from you. I saw red, Josh. Crushed doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. It really seemed as if you held your love over my head and teased me with it. Couldn't quite reach it. That somehow I wasn't good enough for you. Why didn't I call you, you ask? Well, I was the one who made all the efforts before. I figured it was your turn. If you wanted me bad enough, you'd come running, right? You'd call. Email. Something. It's not like you had a lack of ways to get a hold of me. You know me like the back of your hand, and you didn't predict this, did you? How were you to know that we'd just drop each other like old hats? Old dreams. Old hopes. Old desires, wants, and longings..."
JC noticed the smudged writing, and knew it was her tears that obscured the ink. His heart sank.
"Thinking about the old days makes me laugh. Remember when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other? God, remember the New Years we were together, and Chris kept hitting on me? Couldn't get that kid to leave me alone. Not that I cared, but... We had to go in the closet to be alone. Ha, that will always amuse me. Makes me miss your arms around me. I'm biting the inside of my cheek at this moment, because I'm now remembering that night in tenth grade, when we went to the waterfront, and I taught you how to kiss. A little drool is okay, but not Niagara Falls, remember? Ha. That was fun. I think I was more teasing you than really giving you lessons. If I remember correctly, the earth moved when we kissed."
JC leaned back in his chair, setting the letter down again. He ran his hands through his hair, letting a sigh go. He had to have known this somehow. That she felt this way. Getting up, he went to his bedroom, and started rooting through his picture box. It was a large bin filled with photos of his life. Digging to the bottom, he pulled out a manila envelope marked "Amelia" in black marker, in his own handwriting. Glad he found what he was looking for, he placed the box on the floor, and he sat on his bed, opening the envelope. The first picture he pulled out was of him and Amelia, when they were in tenth grade, going to her formal tolo. They were at a friend of hers, and they were both dressed to the nines. He was in a tux, and she was in a blue sleeveless dress. He remembered that he couldn't keep his eyes off of her that night.
He decided to dump the entire envelope out on the bed, and as he shuffled through them, he discovered that they were very happy whenever they were together. He recognized all the moments the pictures captured, as if they were yesterday. Some were spontaneous pictures, others were candid and honest.
"Either I'm stupid or selfish. God, I'm such an asshole." JC scolded himself sadly, and he got up to return to his study. As he was walking down the hallway, his eye caught a framed picture of himself and Amelia that was hung. He stopped and looked at it, remembering the exact scenario in which it was taken. She had been on a church retreat, and one of the surprises of the weekend was having friends and family visit for a candlelight service. Her face had been tear-stained in happiness, and she hadn't let him out of her grip once she discovered his presence. They had only just pulled away from a hug when someone captured them staring into each other's eyes. The look was unmistakable. Love. JC traced his fingertips on the outline of her face, then let his hand drop to his side with a sigh. He continued walking downstairs to his study, and sat again in his chair, taking a large swallow of his gin and tonic. He wiped his hand on his jeans, and picked up the letter again. Blinking, he turned his eyes upon the place he left off.
"I guess when you know and love someone for as long as I've known and loved you, it's hard to imagine yourself with anyone else. Because I've spent many a night thinking about our wedding day, our children being born... I know that sounds semi-obsessive, but trust me, all girls dream about this stuff. Honest. But then again, who am I to stop you from moving on with your life? What kind of person would I be to hold you back from experiencing something wonderful? But I've talked to God so much about this, that I have no doubt in my mind that you're The One for me. I know it. I know I love you, I know you love me, and I know that we could be great together, if we gave it a chance. I'll leave you with that. I'll see you soon.
I love you,
Amelia"
JC set the pages down, placing the last page on the bottom of the pile, keeping the pages in order. Not knowing what to think or do, he looked around his study, and picked up the stereo remote at his side. Pressing "shuffle", he heard a song come out of the speakers:
I just remembered that time at the market
Snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rolled by aisle 5
You looked behind you and smiled back at me
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us if we could leave
I can't remember what went wrong that September
Though I'm sure you'd remind me if you had to
Our love was comfortable and so broken in
I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to
My friends all approve, say 'she's gonna be good for you'
They throw me high fives
She says the Bible is all that she reads
Prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was so dirty
Life of the party
And she swears that she's artsy
But you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane
Our love was comfortable and so broken in
She's perfect and so flawless, or so they say
She thinks I can't see the smile that she's faking
Poses for pictures that aren’t being taken
I loved you in gray sweatpants, no make up
So perfect
Our love was comfortable and so broken in
She's perfect and so flawless and I'm not impressed
No, I want you back, lying here
That you were my first love
Is just dumb luck, a technicality
You were ahead of me
That you were my first love
Is just dumb, dumb, stupid luck, a technicality
You'll always be ahead of me
Oh, oh, why'd I have to practice on you?
Why'd I have to practice on your heart?
--Comfortable, by John Mayer
"What did that boy do, reach inside my head and pull out what I was thinking?" JC asked himself. Noticing his gin and tonic was finally empty, he picked up the glass to take it to the kitchen. Hearing the doorbell ring, however, he carried it with him to answer the door. Looking through the peephole, he saw a soaking wet Amelia. She had her arms crossed over her small torso, and strings of wet hair covered her face. His grip was lost, as well as all function, and the glass shattered on the marble floor.
The breaking glass brought him back to reality. "Oh, shit," he said, startled as he shoved the shards aside with his shoe. Opening the door, the noise of pounding rain filled his ears. The sight of her deafened it. "Amelia?" he queried rhetorically into the rain.
"Some storm, huh?" she answered, her brow furrowed from being cold. Shifting her weight, she remained quiet.
"Get your ass in here, you're gonna freeze to death," JC said, grabbing her arm gently and pulling her inside. She obliged.
"Careful," he warned, "there's broken glass right there." She avoided it, and walked into the foyer.
As they were quiet, staring into each other's eyes for what seemed like forever, small drips could be heard from Amelia's hair onto the floor.
"Um, are we going to stand here all day?" Amelia smiled, ending the thickness in the air.
"Oh, God, I'm sorry, sweetie. Come on, let's get you out of those wet clothes. You can take a shower if you want." JC returned her smile, and gestured upstairs.
After taking off her shoes a safe distance from the broken glass, Amelia nodded at JC. She knew the house as if it were her own, so she proceeded up the stairs to the bathroom. JC sped past her, though, heading for the hall closet to get her a towel.
"Here," he said, unfolding the large blue towel. He draped it over her head, and began to rub vigorously. She closed her eyes, letting him take care of her. She didn't let on exactly how emotionally drained she was, and enjoyed the attention from him.
Satisfied that she wouldn't drip over the carpet anymore, he left the towel around her shoulders. He held up one finger to her, and he walked into his bedroom, returning with gray sweatpants and his Redskins sweatshirt. He also plopped a pair of his cleanest and newest socks on the pile now resting in her hands. She stifled a laugh.
"What?" JC asked her, chuckling a little.
"I dunno. You've never let me wear your Redskins shirt before. This is monumental." Her eyes looked skeptical.
"Yeah, well, I'm happy to see you. Now get in the shower before you catch pneumonia." He got a sheepish grin over his chiseled features.
"I'm happy to see you, too, Josh," Amelia replied slowly, and walked into the bathroom, not severing their gaze until she shut the door.
Hearing the water start in the shower, JC walked down the stairs to the kitchen, and got the broom and dustpan out of the closet. He slowly swept up the glass shards, and he couldn't help but smile when he heard Amelia start to sing. He had always loved her voice, and always thought she was talented. Then he noticed she was singing Norah Jones' 'Come Away With Me'. After throwing the shards away, he crept up the stairs to listen. JC sat himself on the floor next to the bathroom door, watching steam escape from under it. He had forgotten the amazing quality of her voice, how it soothed his heart.
Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
and I will write you a song
Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies
I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows
knee-high
So wont you try to come
Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountain top
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you
And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me
JC heard the shower faucet turn off, and Amelia continued to hum as she dried herself off and dressed. He could hear her rummage through his drawers to find a comb and she ran it through her long, dark hair. With his knees nonchalantly pulled up to his chest, he picked at the carpet, waiting for her to emerge.
The door opened, billows of steam wafted out into the hall, and he looked up at her form, shuffling in socks too big for her. Her smallish hand reached out for his head, and ruffled his curls. He ducked his head, but grabbed her wrist gently, pulling her down to the ground with him. She sat across from him, and rested her back on the opposite wall. Their toes touching, they looked at each other, not saying anything. Amelia placed a few wet locks behind her right ear, and then covered her hands with the sleeves of the sweatshirt.
"Looks good on you." JC grinned after a pause.
"Thanks." Amelia was speaking softly, and she kept her gaze on JC, blinking slowly. "Um, I was wondering…" she started.
"I got it. Just read it."
Amelia nodded, and twisted her lips. "What did you think?" She turned her gaze to the floor momentarily.
"That's definitely something I wanted to talk to you about, but not in my hallway. Could we move to the couch or something?" He held out his hands, and Amelia took them, pulling her weight against his, he against hers, and they stood simultaneously. He kept her hand in his as they descended the staircase slowly. JC sensed that she was on a downshifted and semi-withdrawn side of her personality today, but he wasn't sensing that she was on the verge of tears at his mere touch. It took everything in her to not break down right there. She felt him lace his fingers with hers. At this, a whimper emitted from her chest, which was quickly masked by a clearing of her throat.
When they reached the living room, JC sat near Amelia, who had folded her legs beneath her body as she sat, retreated in a corner of the couch.
"I'm not gonna bite, ya know." JC chuckled softly as he reached for her. When he saw her shake her head, he knew just how nervous she was. He scooted towards her, and she wrapped her arms around herself, closing her eyes. JC exhaled through his nose, trying to decide just what to do to help her relax. He leaned his head to one side, and slowly reached for her face, gently tucking a newly formed curl behind her ear. From there, he cupped her jaw with his hand, and watched as her lips parted, letting a tortured sigh escape. Her eyes were squinted in agony.
"Leelee, what's wrong? You gotta tell me what's hurting you so bad, baby." His voice was hushed and gravelly. His hand remained on her cheek, and she moved her hand to cover his. When she finally opened her eyes, tears dripped down her cheeks. JC immediately brushed them away with his thumbs, and leaned to kiss her forehead.
"Josh…" she stated, her voice quivering. "When I wrote that letter, I poured in everything I felt, no holds barred. What you got was all of it. And you have to know that I still feel the same. I love you. End of story. But I said my piece. Now it's your turn." She sniffed, and bit her lower lip to keep herself from crying.
"Leelee. Listen to me. Look at me." JC lifted her chin so she was looking directly at him, tears welling in her eyes again. "I love you, too."
"You say that so well, Josh." Her words were bitter.
"I deserve that. I do. I know over the years, we've lost track, lost touch, whatever. But I have never stopped loving you. Ever."
"This is not what I came here to listen to, Josh. If the letter said anything to you, I would expect you to figure it out. I know you love me. I don't want a song, a poem… I don't want excuses. I want action." She was done speaking.
JC ran his tongue over his teeth, looking into his lap. He tried to speak, but no words came. After a pause, he found, "And I want what you want. I want you."
"You know what? I don’t think you've been listening to a word I've been trying to say. I thought you of all people would know exactly what I'm trying to tell you." Her gaze went to the middle of the room as she gestured with her hands. "I've tried my hardest to keep this friendship together, and all you can say is, 'I want you.' Oh, that's great. You want me, but how? In what capacity? Would I be-", and suddenly she was muffled by JC's lips on her own. He secured one hand on the back of her head, the other on her cheek. She immediately melted into his touch, reaching for his shirt to pull him closer. They mutually deepened the kiss, their lips never parting as JC lowered her onto her back, her legs moving to either side, allowing his body room. The kiss naturally slowed until JC placed a soft kiss on her lips, their noses touching, "Did you feel that? I think the Earth just moved."
The whispered sentiment brought a smile to Amelia's face, which brightened her whole demeanor.
"There's my girl," JC said sweetly, and kissed her passionately once more.
"Um, Josh?" Amelia asked after a few more minutes of kissing.
"Yes, my love?"
"How do I know--"
"Shh…" JC whispered, and placed a finger over her lips. "You're my girl now, and everyone's gonna know it. There's no way in hell you're getting away from me this time. We'll move slowly at first, of course. I know how you are."
Amelia chuckled.
"But then, once everything is all comfy and squared away, um…" JC sighed.
"Just say it," Amelia coaxed gently, adding a kiss.
"When you're ready," he emphasized, "I'd like you to move in."
"Well, like you said. We'll move slowly at first." She laughed at her own words, and at once, JC was kissing her neck, making her laugh even more. "Josh?" she asked seriously, a moment after he had relented.
"Leelee?" His eyebrows were raised at her tone.
"I'm sorry I was such a wreck earlier. Love does strange things to me."
"Lee, I was feeling the same thing after I read your letter. I couldn't believe I had been so dense. And actually, your letter made me realize that I'd had the same feelings the whole time, just… too busy to see that I was hurting you in the process of figuring things out."
"I take it this is your formal apology." A hint of playfulness was in her voice, overshadowed by need.
"Yes. Amelia, I'm sorry for being an ass and hurting you. Will you forgive me?" His last sentence was asked seriously and sentimentally. All she did was raise her mouth to his, claim it, and he had his answer.
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