Fall in Love or Find Disaster
JC wasn’t particularly upset when he woke to find crumpled sheets and empty space beside him, he was more disappointed. Months ago he’d learned not to raise his hopes and expect Justin to declare his undying love before they would both partake in the greatest love affair of all time. But sometimes it was difficult. When Justin appeared unexpectedly at his front door wearing that same expression JC had come to know, he couldn’t help the small flicker of hope that managed to engulf his entire being. Within seconds JC found himself believing that the next morning it would be different and that maybe Justin Timberlake would return his affection. And then the next morning would arrive and his hopes would be dashed. But that was okay, he’d grown used to it by now.
JC had only spoken about this strange relationship he shared with Justin once a long time ago, years ago even, with Lance. After their exchange he’d never spoken about it again with anybody, except maybe himself. It was safe to say Lance hadn’t been exactly supportive of what was going on between his two fellow band mates but JC had sworn him to secrecy and thankfully, he had kept quiet.
A method, JC had discovered, of releasing his feelings and thoughts in relation to Justin was to write them down, and he found himself writing songs. On occasions he found himself being not too fond of his creations, crumpling them up and throwing them in the trash but other times the song actually made it in to the studio, and was recorded with the possibility of filling a future album. One track however, was laid down purely to serve as a way of letting his emotion run free in the privacy of his own home. Granted, JC wasn’t really a fan of listening to his own voice except for when in the studio but there was absolutely no way anybody else would hear this, never mind record it. It displayed all of what JC had come to be; lonely and in dire need of love.
The song was JC’s creation and displayed his feelings in the most raw way. In all honesty, if it wasn’t so serious he would be embarrassed but he couldn’t be ashamed of something that he felt deep down inside.
In fact, the only thing that did remotely shame JC was the fact that in the back of his mind, he believed that Justin may just hold some form of affection other than friendly, for him.
~*~
Only a few days after his last meeting with Justin, the doorbell rang once again. JC knew without opening the door it was Justin because nobody else rang the doorbell. Anybody else knew of JC’s tendency to fall asleep halfway through the day and not to be too pleasant when woken up. JC guessed Justin probably knew that too but he also guessed that he didn’t really care - so long as he got what he came for.
JC was on the phone with Tony arranging their upcoming appearance together at a show in New York, when the harsh sound of the doorbell chimed through the hall. Rather than cutting the call short, he answered the door still conversing with Tony.
Justin, who had previously been leant against the wall, moved to stand up straight and to begin speaking before he noticed the phone held between JC’s cheek and shoulder. Instead he offered a brief smile which JC returned.
“Hey…” JC began after moving the phone away from his ear. “Make yourself comfy…I just gotta finish up this call and I’ll be through…”
Justin nodded and followed JC into the house before residing in the lounge whilst JC continued his call in the kitchen.
JC’s mind was racing as he leant against a kitchen counter whilst Justin made himself comfortable on the brown leather sofa clearing a space on the coffee table to rest his feet. As he moved a pile of handwritten pages that were probably lyrics, he decided to kick back and see what JC was writing these days. Since all of the solo ventures had began, Justin had lost touch with what JC was up to musically and he kind of missed it. After all, Justin in the confines of his own mind labelled JC as one of the best song writers he had known.
He leant back into the soft cushions and leafed through the pages which were headed with a variety of different headings which Justin guessed were probably their unconfirmed titles. He stopped and scanned a page headed “100 Ways” and giggled at the lyrics. Justin was pretty sure the critics weren’t going to get exactly what they expected with JC’s solo album.
Justin smiled before continuing his rummage through the pages and after much deliberation chose to read a page that wasn’t titled. Justin shrugged and allowed himself to read the words that had been etched on to the page.
As his mind began to comprehend the lyrics, a thought that maybe he shouldn’t be reading this occurred but he couldn’t stop, he was captivated.
Clear my eyes it's the morning after
Did I fall in love, or did I find disaster?
Take a second just to breathe
I pick my heart up off my sleeve, yea
There they go and I know they know
By the way they eased out on their tippy toes
Skip the breakfast, tea for two
We made no plans to rendezvous, yea
Someone for everyone but no one for me
Constantly searching for the love I need to
Build my world around, around
I'll be the lonely one until I find someone
The one I build my world around, around
So bring the arms of love until I find the one
The one I build my world...
Lazy days, I'm in a hazy phase
Of watching countless ways in which my life goes crazy
Foolishness to blame
Still it pains me all the same
Empty faces with empty gazes
In a race of change I'm losing faith in my pace
Trying to keep my feet before I fall
I'm on this endless road with nothing to see
Constantly searching for the love I need to
Build my world around, around
I'll be the lonely one until I find the one
The one I build my world around, around
So bring the arms of love until I find the one
The one I build my world
A cornerstone of honesty
A foundation of gravity and freedom
A clear and concrete understanding
A love that's best kept safe and sound
It's amazing how we fear we may be
It's from ourselves we so often run
Abandon fear and consequence of heartbreak
Expose the truth and give yourself to love
We've all been set up to be disappointed
We have to crawl before we learn to fly
It's a blur that moves right into focus
Removes the doubt, aligns your heart and mine
Build my world around,
I'll be the lonely one until I find the one
The one I build my world around, around
So bring the arms of love until I find the one
The one I build my world around, around
I'll be the lonely one until I find the one
The one I build my world around
So bring the arms of love until I find the one
The one I build my world...
Ten minutes later and he was still reading the lyrics over and over. Something told Justin that JC had written this about a personal experience and he hadn’t just written what he’d imagined. Suddenly, Justin felt quite sick.
Justin read the page through one last time and was pretty sure the colour had drained from his face. He stood up quickly and replaced the offending paper back on the pile on the coffee table and readied himself to flee from the house.
He was almost at the door when he felt a hand on his shoulder encouraging him to spin around. Justin turned around reluctantly and kept his eyes focused on his shoes, he didn’t dare look JC in the face.
JC grinned. “Erm…J? Where you going? I swore I just let you in here like a few minutes ago…dude, what gives?” He asked with one eyebrow raised.
Without giving JC so much as a glance, he garbled his explanation, “Um…I…gotta go…something came up…” and he was gone.
“Okay…that was weird.” JC said out loud to himself, and returned to the kitchen.
~*~
Later that evening JC had almost forgotten about Justin’s earlier visit as he’d been in the studio tweaking some tracks most of the afternoon. As he came down from the studio he made the decision to call Justin since he hadn’t heard from him since he had left earlier that day in a frenzy.
JC walked in to the lounge to retrieve his cell phone and to check if Justin had left a message or something. As he searched around the coffee table and sofa for his phone, his eyes caught the usual pile of song lyrics that had taken resided there. JC studied the papers further when he noticed that the page on top seemed to have moved and had been replaced with the only untitled page which was the song he’d written, recorded and vowed never to show anyone.
JC sat on the end of the sofa as he idly looked down at the page and attempted to figure out how the pages had been switched around. It took all of half a second for him to realise that Justin must have been here, read some lyrics and seen the song written for him.
“Shit!” JC exclaimed as he stood up quickly and headed for the phone in the kitchen. He knew Justin wasn’t stupid, he must have known the song was for him and that’s why he left so quickly. JC continued to exclaim a variety of expletives in his empty house as he snatched the phone from the counter and speed dialled Justin’s number.
After redialling the same number several times with no answer, JC had no choice but to leave a message. He sighed at his own stupidity for getting himself in such a stupid situation as he waited for the bleep.
~*~
Justin liked the ocean. On a summer day it was calm and tranquil and a perfect source to calm him down. He’d driven here to the pier hours ago straight from JC’s place in a desperate attempt to comprehend what the hell was going on.
Justin’s phone had bleeped several times flashing JC’s number across the screen but he couldn’t bear to pick up right now therefore he had let it go to voicemail.
This thing between he and JC just seemed normal to Justin by now. As far as he was concerned, he had a girlfriend that he loved very much but sometimes she just wasn’t enough especially when it came to sex. That is where JC had fitted in in quite nicely, but never had Justin imagined that maybe JC wanted more.
Justin’s phone bleeped again signalling he had received a voice message. He let out a deep breath and called his mailbox, as anticipated it was JC.
“Justin? You there? Please pick up dude, I think we need to talk about stuff… I mean, I know you saw the song and whatever…I’m so sorry…please call me back…or, um…even better…come over. Sorry…I know what you must think of me…I’ll do like…anything to put it right…please Justin…bye…”
The phone clicked and Justin tossed it on to the nearby passenger seat before pressing the play button of his CD player. As the car sped off to the beat of Jay Z’s “99 Problems” Justin wondered what the hell he was going to say when he saw JC again.
~*~
Within twenty minutes of leaving the message on Justin’s voicemail, JC heard the ring of the doorbell for the second time that day.
He nearly fell over as he almost ran to the door to allow Justin inside. JC suddenly became aware of the fact that within the next few minutes or seconds even, he would learn what Justin really thought of him.
The door opened to reveal Justin stood in the porch, his head still hung low not wanting to look at JC. Justin had acquired a baseball cap from inside his car no doubt, and was using it almost as a method of defence. With the cap pulled low, even with his head up JC wouldn’t be able to see into his eyes.
Neither spoke a word as JC stepped back and allowed Justin into his house. They hadn’t chance to move further away than the hall before Justin spoke.
“Was it…the song or poem…or whatever…was it meant to be about me? He asked. “Was it about what’s been going on?”
JC nodded positively. “It’s a song.”
“Oh…” Justin acknowledged. “Did you record it or what?”
JC just nodded his head again, unable to speak
“I want to hear it.” Justin told him simply. “It’s going on the CD right?”
“No!” JC almost shouted. “You can’t hear it…and it’s not going on the album, no one has ever heard it before…I don’t want anyone to either…it means something to me, personally.”
Justin rolled his eyes. “Fuck that, JC…let me hear the damn song already…don’t you think I have a right to?” He questioned as he began ascending the stairs up to the studio.
“No Justin, I don’t think you have…” JC replied defiantly yet with a small voice. “What do you want to hear it for anyway? Can‘t you just say what you have to…”
“Because I want to…” Justin answered without really answering the question. “Just play it for me…just once…” He requested softly.
“Fine.” JC said monotonically deciding he didn’t wish to argue you anymore. “The stereo in my bedroom…it’s in there…I’ll be out back afterwards or you can just leave if you want.”
~*~
JC perched on one of the sun loungers out back with a cigarette held between his lips. He didn’t usually smoke but he was really past caring at that point.
After a few minutes and two cigarettes later, he heard the opening of the door and was acutely aware of Justin’s sudden presence. JC didn’t attempt to say anything and neither did Justin. Instead he invited himself to sit by JC and took a cigarette from the open box and a light before he began smoking the white stick.
Soon the sun began to set in the distance which meant it was getting late. JC shivered as the summer breeze brushed his bare sleeveless shoulders but he didn’t intend on finding a sweater inside the house as he was waiting for Justin to say his piece.
Eventually he did.
“You love me, don’t you Josh?” Justin asked, using JC’s Christian name for the first time since the old days. Recently Justin had just stuck to JC or sometimes “C” but never Josh.
JC shrugged. “Of course I do… I love you all…” He began but Justin cut him short impatiently.
“No, you know I don’t mean like that…I meant…you’re in love with me, aren’t you?”
“No.” JC replied simply and just wished that was the truth.
“Don’t lie to me Josh…“ Justin started. “I know you do…I know you don’t write songs like that for anyone…or sing like that about anyone…”
“You’re not just anyone, Justin.” JC spoke softly as he watched the sun go down, far in the distance.
“Josh…you’re in love with me…aren’t you?” Justin repeated his question, although he knew the answer without being told.
JC sighed resignedly. “I guess so…” He paused taking a minute just to breathe before he continued. “I tried not to…I really I did…I tried to stop myself, but I couldn’t help it…I didn’t want to but we kept doing…stuff…and you know…just you can’t blame me for falling in love with you…you’re just….” He trailed off.
If JC hadn’t have sounded so desperate, the egomaniac persona of Justin Timberlake would have smirked.
“I’m sorry Josh… I thought you knew…that it was just…” Justin tried to speak, but the expression on JC’s face was just heartbreaking.
“…a casual thing? You mean, you don’t lo…” JC couldn’t even say it.
Justin sighed but shook his head. “I like you a lot…so much…but I don’t…I can’t love you like that…I like women…I think I can only love women…I’m so sorry…”
JC tried to stop his face from crumpling and his voice from croaking, but to no avail. Instead he turned away from Justin. “Just don’t…I know…Justin just go…leave…please…I have to work this out in my head…”
“JC…no…please, listen to me…” Justin pleaded.
“I can’t…” JC declared. “Just go…and I’ll call you or something…”
Justin began to walk slowly backwards towards the house. “I’m sorry…I promise you‘ll find someone…” He repeated once again and received no response from JC. “Josh…it’s a beautiful song…you can’t waste it…put it on the album…forget me, and forget what it means to you… you have to share it with the world…please put it on the album.”
JC didn’t answer and instead lit another cigarette. The way he was feeling, he wasn’t really sure he’d be around much longer to even release his solo album.
The End.
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