Part Five - Fall to Pieces
I've always said the days after I got my record deal were the most surreal days of my life. Well, I've changed my mind. The past few days have definitely won the new "Completely Surreal" title. Although they've really been more of a nightmare than the wonderful dream come true that was getting my record deal.
I turned my father in to the police and I'm pressing charges against him. My mother still refuses to press charges and keeps screaming at everyone who will listen that she just fell down the stairs, but it doesn't matter. He hit me and I have witnesses, and while he probably won't get as big of a penalty as he would if my mother spoke up too, I've been assured that something will be done. So now he's sitting a jail cell waiting for his court date and Mom's staying with Aunt Maureen.
I was there when they arrested him two days ago and that was honestly the most heart-wrenching experience I've ever had. I know I shouldn't feel bad. It was the right thing to do. But he was just sitting there in his chair listening to Etta James sing "At Last" (my mom always used to say that was "their song") and it was all I could do not to beg the police to go away and not take him to jail. I held myself together, though. I did what I had to do, because it needed to be done. He needs to see there are consequences to being a f-ucking bastard and he needs to pay for the way he's treated my mother and myself for as long as I can remember. But at the same time, he's still my dad, you know? I hate him so much, but he's my father and I love him too. I know that makes zero sense. But I've given up trying to make sense of my feelings right now. It's futile.
I actually went to visit him at the jail today. I know that's really odd. Who visits someone in jail when she's the one who put them there? Me, apparently. I don't know, I guess I just did it because I'm leaving to go back to New York today and I felt like I needed closure. He was surprisingly civil to me, actually. Not once did he call me a traitor or say even one mean thing. He just listened to me talk about how I was feeling and answered any questions I posed to him. And he's pleading guilty, which I didn't expect. I don't know if he's doing it because he knows there were witnesses and he's pretty much screwed anyway or if he's doing it because he's really ready to admit he did something wrong. That would be a first, I must say. My father has never been one of those abusers who apologizes profusely the next day. He either pretends it didn't happen or pretends it wasn't his fault. I'm glad he's pleading guilty, though, no matter why he's doing it. This way I don't have to testify and we only have to go to court for his sentencing.
If I thought I was surprised when I found out Dad was pleading guilty, it was nothing compared to the shock he gave me right before I left. I stood up to walk out the door and he says in this calm, sincere voice, "I'm sorry, Lara." I was completely dumbfounded. Not once in my twenty-one years have I heard my father say those words. Not once. I had no clue what to say to him. I didn't want to say "it's okay," because it isn't. It isn't okay, it's never been okay and it never will be okay. I swear I stood there staring at him for a good three or four minutes, just trying to process the fact that he'd actually apologized to me. Finally I just settled for saying "good," and walking away. It's bizarre, but I don't feel so mad at him right now. I haven't forgiven him yet, and I think it will be a long time before I even want to see his face again, but I'm not really mad. Is that wrong? Is it stupid of me to think that maybe he's actually going to change? Probably. Which is why in my heart I don't really believe he will. He's never going to change, no matter how much I want to think he is. I just really want to believe it, you know? I really want to think that his apologizing to me is a sign that everything will be okay. I know that's stupid. But if you've learned anything about me by this time, it should be that I'm stupid a lot.
And then we have my mother. My dear, screwed up mother. When I think about her, it makes me despise my father all over again, because he's the one who did this to her. He's the one who screwed her up so much, inside and out, and I don't know if I can ever forgive that. Anyway, she pretty much hates me right now. I think she's even stopped bothering to use my name and just started referring to me solely as "the little bitch." She thinks I'm horrible and terrible and screams at me whenever I get within earshot of her. So I've stopped doing so. I went to the house and packed some clothes for her to take to Aunt Maureen's and that was it. I'm not going back to see her until she's decided to stop treating me like shit for doing what I had to do.
In case you haven't figured it out, she didn't want me to press charges against Dad, which I'll never understand. After all he's put her through, and all he's put her daughter through, why does she still want to protect him? What the hell did he ever do to deserve any mercy from either of us? Nothing, that's what. Absolutely nothing. I guess I shouldn't talk, though. I'm the one who almost tried to stop his arrest. Clearly my mother and I are both extremely wrong in the head. And really, that's his fault. It's all his fault and I'm not going to blame myself like she does. I refuse to do that. I've spent far too much of my life blaming myself for my parents' problems. It's about time they took responsibility for their own mistakes.
Before we stray too far from the topic of my being extremely wrong in the head, let's talk about Justin, shall we? Because, honestly, he's the one who's got me the most confused and emotional right now. I'm working through the stuff with my parents, but he seriously messes me up inside. I mean, a few days ago I was fine. I hadn't thought about him in a while, aside from during interviews when the stupid fuckers won't stop asking about him, and I was good. Well, by "good" I mean "miserable but coping," but that's good by my standards. And now here I am sitting in his car and waiting for him to come out of Starbucks with my coffee and feeling like I don't know what I'm going to do when we get back to New York and go our separate ways. I'm actually sitting here and thinking that I can't live without him anymore and that I might actually...no, I couldn't. I couldn't love him, right? This is just me reacting to all the emotional stuff I've been going through, isn't it? God, I don't know. I really don't know and I'm so confused right now, I don't know what to do about it.
I mean, I know I kept going on about how he never cared about me, but the man has just spent the past three days by my side, holding me while I cried, listening to me when I needed to vent and staying away from me when he knew I needed to be alone. He actually cancelled all the recording, interviews, and whatever else he had going on the past few days just to be with me when I needed him. That doesn't sound like someone who doesn't care, now does it? This was all so much easier when I was sure he only wanted me for sex. But he's been completely wonderful and loving and comforting to me and as far as I can tell, he's only doing it because he cares. There doesn't seem to be any ulterior motive, he hasn't tried to kiss me (on the lips, anyway) or tell me he's in love with me or anything. He's just been sweet and helpful and that's...confusing. Really, really confusing.
I kept expecting him to run, you know? I'm so used to people (guys especially) freaking and running away when they see me all broken and falling apart like I have been at many different points throughout the past three days. Justin keeps telling me how strong I've been, but he should know I'm really not. He's the one who witnessed me go psycho on a wall and some chairs after my dad left, he's the one who held me while I cried in the middle of that stupid hospital, he's the one who listened to me babble about all of this for God knows how long last night, and he's the one who has sat by my side and whispered comforting words while I cried myself to sleep in his arms every night since we've been here. He's seen all of that, seen how crazy I can be, how weak I can be, how fragile I can be and he's still here. Not once did he show even the slightest sign of wanting to run away from me. Not once has he seemed freaked out by me or acted like I was too much for him to handle. He's the only one who's ever done that. And he did it even though I've barely been speaking to him for the past three years. That makes no sense to me. And it kind of scares me that I'm starting to think I really do love him and I very well may have loved him ever since I was seventeen.
***
Justin pulled his baseball cap down to obscure his face as he sat down in the corner of a Starbucks somewhere in Pennsylvania. He and Lara had been driving for an hour already and still had a ways to go, so they had decided to stop for coffee before one or both of them fell asleep. Despite the fact that the past three days had been emotionally draining on many different levels, he was finding himself dreading the moment when they returned to New York. He had stayed with Lara to help her with everything she was going through, and she'd seemed grateful, but he was afraid that once they got back to their lives as usual, things would go back to how they'd been before she's shown up at his apartment a few nights earlier. He wanted to think that the way she'd trusted him and cried in his arms so many times meant she had forgiven him for what he'd done in the past, but there was still a voice in the back of his mind telling him that she'd only done that because he was the only option she had. Not that he was only there for her because he was hoping to get something out of it, that really had nothing to do with it. But now that it was all over, he couldn't help thinking about what was going to happen when they got back. He couldn't help thinking about how much he wanted her to stay in his life and how scared he was that she wouldn't want to.
News of Lara's father's arrest, mother's injuries and Justin's presence everywhere she went had somehow gotten out and it had resulted in nothing less than a media frenzy. Every newspaper either of them had seen recently had the story in it, and they were now being forced to take back roads and go completely out of their way to avoid papparazzi. Hence their current presence in Pennsylvania. It all spoke volumes about the media's lack of ethics, in Justin's opinion. Who in their right mind butted into someone's personal life this much? His mood was not lifted when he spotted a copy of Star someone had left on the table next to him.
"Shit," he muttered, picking it up. He honestly couldn't believe what he saw on the cover.
"Lara Robertson and Justin Timberlake Seen Locking Lips at Paris General Hospital," it read. He shook his head in disgust as he scanned the article, quoting "witnesses" who had supposedly seen him and Lara sitting on the ground in the hospital "locking lips." Not only was it completely intrusive, it was also completely untrue. Some of the things it said were true - they had been on the floor in the hall, she had been crying onto his shoulder, and he had kissed her forehead and a few other places - but the article made it sound like they'd been making out, which was as far from the truth as anything could be. He would never have tried to kiss her on the lips in that sort of situation. In fact, he didn't even know what had come over him that made him kiss her at all. It had just sort of been an instinct that came out of his need to protect and comfort her at that moment. It had been totally innocent, so why did these idiots have to try and turn it into some big scandal? The employess finished his and Lara's coffee and he grabbed them both, hurrying out to the parking lot before anyone could recognize him.
Justin smiled and momentarily forgot about the magazine as he walked into the parking lot and saw Lara sitting in the car and talking to someone animatedly on the phone. It was the first time he'd seen her smile all day without him telling a stupid joke to force her into doing so. Opening the driver's side door, he slid in and handed her the white mocha she'd asked for. She mouthed "thank you" to him before returning to her conversation.
"Yeah...yeah...okay...thank you so much, Lisa. You're a godsend, seriously...okay...yep...see you tomorrow. Bye!" Lara hung up the phone as Justin started up the car and pulled out of the parking spot.
"What was that about?" he inquired.
"Oh, my wonderful personal assistant just called to tell me that the paparrazzi has received an anonymous tip that you and I are currently headed towards Stamford," Lara replied with a grin. "So we should be able to take the freeway again without anyone following us. First good news I've heard all day."
"Ah." Justin nodded. "So I suppose this wouldn't be the best time to tell you the tabloids have sunk to a new low?" Lara's smile faded as he handed her the copy of Star he'd swiped.
"Oh god," she groaned as she read the headline and opened the magazine to read the article. "'Yeah, they were definitely kissing,' one witness said. 'I couldn't believe it. She'd just gotten in some big fight and they were sitting there playing tonsil hockey in the hall.' Are they fucking kidding me? No we weren't! Who is this 'witness' anyway? I bet it was that receptionist. She's pissed that we wouldn't give her autographs so she ran off to the tabloids with this load of crap. I can't believe it. How could someone be so insensitive? That was a really personal moment..." Her voice trailed off as she shook her head and tossed the offending magazine into the backseat, pulling her knees up to her chest. "People are such assholes."
"I know," Justin agreed wholeheartedly.
"Sometimes I just wish that I could live my life and go through shitty things like this without the whole world knowing about it, you know?" Lara asked softly.
"I know," he repeated. "Let's talk about something less upsetting."
"Like what? The whole world is upsetting," she grumbled, setting her head on her knees as Justin pulled onto the highway. He glanced at her, his expression one of concern. It looked like she was about to start crying again and he frowned.
"You okay, Lars?" he asked gently.
"Not really," she replied and wiped away the one tear that had fallen. "It's just a tabloid, I know I shouldn't care but...god, I'm such a moron. Why am I crying?" Justin reached over and took her hand into his, giving it a little squeeze.
"You're not a moron," he assured her. "They intruded on something personal and printed lies about it. It's wrong and you have every right to be upset. Don't feel stupid about it." She just nodded and the car went silent, with the exception of Lara's sniffling. Justin wished there was something he could say that would make her feel better, but he knew there wasn't. As hard as he'd been trying, there was nothing he could do or say to make things better for her. All he could do was be there to listen if she needed to talk.
"Is that all that's bothering you?" he finally asked when the sniffling didn't stop after a few minutes.
"No."
"Anything you want to talk about?"
"I don't know." She paused and dropped her legs down to the floor. "It's just everything, you know? I keep thinking I'll be all right and that this all shouldn't be bothering me so much but I just feel like crying all the fucking time. My dad's in jail, my mother hates me, I can't even have any privacy and then there's you..." She stopped talking, biting her lip and pulling her knees back up to her chest as Justin looked at her in surprise. He hadn't expected her to say anything about him.
"Me?" he asked faintly. His eyes were back on the road now, but he could see her shifting out of the corner of his eye. He opened his mouth to tell her she didn't have to clarify if she didn't want to, but she cut him off.
"Yeah, you. I mean...I've spent the past three years convincing myself...and then I saw you and I felt like...but I still didn't want to...but you've been so good to me and I feel all these...and, um...I'm confused," she whimpered, wondering why she could never find the right words to say when it came to him. She always ended up sounding like such an idiot. "Never mind." She looked sideways at Justin and found that he looked pretty much as confused by her little outburst as she felt. She sighed, blowing a piece of her out of her eyes and laying her head back down on her knees. The car was filled with an awkward silence once again as both passengers tried desperately to think of something to say.
"What are you confused about?" Justin finally blurted out. He couldn't help it. He wanted to know.
"I don't know," Lara groaned. "You. Me. Us."
"Oh." He felt like someone had simutaneously cut off his air supply and the bloodflow to his brain. It was not a very good feeling.
"Yeah." She paused for what seemed to Justin like an eternity but was probably only a few seconds. "What are we, Justin?"
"Uhhh...human?" he joked, hoping to cover up the fact that he didn't have an answer to that question. Lara laughed, causing a small smile to appear on his face.
"You know what I mean," she told him and he shrugged.
"I don't know what we are, Lars. It's all in your hands. Friends, enemies...whatever you want to be, that's what we are."
"I thought you didn't want to be friends," she reminded him.
"I thought you didn't want me in your life at all," he countered. Lara sighed and shook her head.
"A lot has changed since then," she said quietly, shifting her gaze towards the window. "Did you mean it when you said you loved me?" Okay, so that he hadn't been expecting at all. He started stuttering, but Lara shook her head suddenly, silencing him. "Never mind, don't answer that."
"Of course I meant it," Justin told her softly as he finally regained control of his vocal chords. She didn't respond and he assumed he'd said it so quietly that she hadn't heard. She had.
***
"Well, here you are. Home sweet home," Justin told Lara, forcing a smile. The remainder of their journey had been full of awkward silences, sideways glances at each other and forced conversations as Lara silently tried to sort out her feelings and Justin tried to figure out what she was thinking about. Neither had been particularly successful and they now stood in the hall outside her apartment after she'd asked him to walk her up. It had been a surprising request, but he had gladly agreed. He was trying to desperately to read her mind, but it was proving futile. Nothing on her face gave him any clue as to what she was thinking about or what she'd been thinking about during the car ride.
"Yep." Her smile was just as forced as she silently cursed the butterflies in her stomach. "Well, um...thanks for everything, J. I don't know what I would have done without you and you didn't have to do it and I'm really grateful-"
"You're welcome," he interrupted her babbling with a warm smile, realizing she probably wouldn't ever shut up if he let her just continue on her incoherent rampage. Besides that, the longer she babbled, the more he started focusing on her lips and how much he really wanted to kiss them at the moment. Seeing as kissing her wasn't exactly an option, he figured he needed to get out of there before he just did it without thinking. He couldn't risk losing the friendship he was finally regaining. "I guess I better go."
"Yeah." They both just looked at each other for a minute, trying to decide what the appropriate 'goodbye' gesture would be and finally Lara just reached up and gave him a quick hug. "Bye."
Don't kiss her...you can't kiss her...don't kiss her...don't be stupid...don't kiss her...walk away...don't kiss her.
"Bye." Justin forced himself to turn and walk away, but he only made it a few feet before Lara's voice stopped him.
"Hey, Justin?"
"Yeah?" he replied, turning around. Neither moved to close the distance between them and Lara began shifting her weight between her feet uncomfortably.
"I, um...I just wanted to say thank you for the, uh...for my room. And the cards. I know I'm kind of late, but I never thanked you. So, thank you. It was probably the nicest, most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me." Justin smiled.
Don't kiss her, you moron...don't do it...she'll hate you...don't kiss her...don't kiss her.
"No problem." There was that awkward silence again and Lara broke her eye contact with him, unable to handle the way holding his gaze always made her feel ten times more aware of everything that was going on around her.
"Well, I'll see you later."
"See ya." He turned to walk away again and got another few feet away, but then she stopped him again.
"J, wait!" She hurried towards him and he turned around just as she approached him. He was about to ask what she wanted, but she stopped him by standing on her tiptoes and pulling his head down to hers. She brushed her lips lightly against his, unsure of how he was going to react. She didn't have to wait long to find out as Justin almost immediately increased the pressure, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer to himself. All of the emotion, anger, passion and sadness of the past three years was wrapped up in that one kiss and it didn't take long for it to deepen as Justin's hands slid beneath the hem of her shirt and Lara's found their way into his curls. It seemed way too short to Justin when Lara finally pulled away slightly.
"Do you want to come in?" she asked breathlessly, wrapping her arms around his waist for fear her knees would buckle if she didn't have something to hold onto.
"Yeah," he replied, smiling and kissing her forehead. "But I don't think I should."
"Why not?" Lara inquired with a frown. This was definitely a first. She couldn't recall him ever turning her down.
"Because if we're going to do this, I want to do it right this time." He paused to place a kiss on her nose. "Which means no rushing into things." Another pause to kiss her jaw. "And no letting you do things you might regret when you're upset." He dropped his lips onto hers before she could protest again and she gave a contented sigh as she pulled his body even closer to hers.
"Okay," she agreed as she pulled away from him again. "But you better get out of here right now, because if your hands are on me much longer I don't think I can be trusted not to jump you in the middle of the hall here." She said it jokingly, but she also meant it. The feeling of his hands running over the skin of her stomach and back just as they always used to was almost too much for her to handle. Justin chuckled and nodded, placing a quick peck on her lips before releasing her from his arms.
"Okay. I'll call you later," he told her.
"Okay."
"You gonna be okay tonight? I mean, are you feeling all right about everything?" he asked, concerned that she was still upset about things with her parents.
"I am now," she replied with a smile. Justin returned the smile involuntarily.
"Good." He couldn't resist kissing her again, and he did so quickly before pressing the button for the elevator. "I love you." He inwardly scolded himself the minute it came out. He hadn't made a conscious decision to say it and he hoped she wouldn't be upset with him, but he wasn't entirely sure. He saw a look of apprenhension pass over Lara's face for a split second before the smile returned.
"I love you too."
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