I sat on the couch in the middle of my living room staring out into the cold, rainy autumn night. The room was dark save the faint light from the numbers on my microwave in the kitchen a few yards away.
It was another one of those nights when I just couldn’t fall asleep. I lay tossing and turning in my bed before finally giving up and coming downstairs to listen to the thunderous raindrops bang against my window in hopes they would lull me to sleep.
My two year old daughter, Elissa, lay in her bed sleeping soundly. The bedroom across from her lay empty. My other daughter Christiana was seven, old enough in her book to spend the night at a friend’s whose house wasn’t within walking distance. Sam, my beloved, lay in our bedroom snoring away. I was jealous that sleep came so easily to them.
I looked around the room, smiling broadly at the life I made for myself. Pictures of Christiana’s first day of school lined the coffee table in front of me. My wedding picture stared me in the face when I looked up. As I got further along the wall it seemed as if I were going back in time. Pictures of the guys smiled at me, their faces full of enthusiasm. My graduation pictures were next. First college, then high school.
My eyes then fell upon my parents. I missed them dearly, but never cried. I guess you could say I’m the kind of person that can laugh at a funeral, but I do know how to be serious mind you. It’s just that it’s like I always know the perfect times to shine certain parts of my personality.
I stared at a picture taken over twenty years ago. I think I was eight then. Next to me was the best friend I ever had besides Sam. We did absolutely everything together. Sometimes I miss the times we spent.
My eyes were still burning into that photograph when I heard urgent banging on my front door. I paused for a minute, not sure if I were hearing right when I glanced at the microwave and saw that it was after one o’clock. I was. The banging started again, this time with more force.
I slowly made my way to the door and peeked out the spy hole. My nerves acted up when I couldn’t recognize the figure standing outside my door in a heavy coat and hood. I reached for the porch light to see who it was, but that didn’t help. I wondered why the person had on sunglasses in the middle of the night, let alone this time of year.
“Who is it?” I asked, hoping to get a name.
“It’s me.” Was my answer. I could tell that now the person was male. I debated in my head whether or not I should let him in while at the same time trying to decipher the voice. It sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t be sure.
“’It’s me’ isn’t good enough,” I said, hoping to get a better answer. There was a long silence. I peeked out again, wondering if the person had left when I further interrogated him. He was still there. Even though I could barely make out his face I could tell he was contemplating an answer, which made me nervous. I thought maybe he was thinking of a way to coax me into letting him in.
Peeking out of the spy hole again I saw him still standing there. I glanced at the microwave and noticed that I had been standing here for about ten minutes. My nerves getting the best of me, I turned on my heel to walk upstairs to the safety of my bedroom.
“It’s Justin.” I stopped in my tracks, having only made it a few inches. A smile ran across my face, then turned upside down at the prospect of him being out at this time of night in this type of weather.
Unlocking the top lock and then the bottom, I slowly opened the front door as the crashing sound of thunder and lightening resounded in my ears. Looking at him my mouth dropped. He was soaking wet, I don’t know why that surprised me, and his face was a pale color. He removed his glasses and exposed his colorless eyes. Even through the rain I could tell he had been crying. I stepped aside and he nodded in response as he walked past me.
He stood in the middle of the floor, surveying his surroundings. It hit me that this was his first time here, then I wondered how he knew where to find me. It had been years since that last time we talked. I was just getting used to the married life and the fact that my first child was on the way.
Justin draped his dripping coat over the back of one of my dining room chairs. I could see that certain parts of his clothing were drenched in rainwater. I walked slowly towards him, wondering why he was here. He situated himself on the couch I was sitting on and picked up a picture of Elissa and Christiana, a smile creasing his face.
“It’s been a long time, Lauren. Last time I saw you…you were pregnant with one, now you have two.” I smiled proudly as he placed it down and sat next to him. I knew he came to talk, but didn’t push as he continued to stare at the pictures surrounding him. I saw his eyes lock on the picture I had just been looking at. “How old was I then?”
“Five I think. You’re three years younger than me and I think I was eight.” He looked at me smiling, but I could see right through it. I knew he was hurting, badly, and I desperately wanted him to tell me. I always hated starting these kinds of conversations. “How are things, Justin?” I asked as if we were talking at a normal hour eating lunch. His face fell.
“Not so hot.” His face was solemn and exhausted.
“Well, you came all this way and found me. We haven’t talked in years so I’m wondering what’s so important.” I looked at him casually.
“Yeah I know, and I’m really sorry about that…” he trailed off. When he didn’t say anything further I asked,
“Would you like something to drink?” He shook his head and I made my way to the kitchen to fix myself a Brandy. When I returned he was sitting on the floor in front of the sofa, staring off into space. He moved over slightly to give me room to sit next to him. “What’s up, Justin?” I asked after I took a sip of my Brandy and set it down on a coaster on the coffee table in front of me. He was silent for a while before he sighed and looked at me. I could see the tears forming in his eyes.
“Come on, Justin,” I coaxed, outstretching my arms to him, “Let it all out.” And he did just that. He moved in between my legs and rested his head on my chest. Tears soaked the front of my Tuskegee University t-shirt as he bawled like a baby. I welcomed it. I always said it helped if you let all of your emotions out. People always told me I was wise beyond my years, even when I was still in high school.
“Mommy?” I heard the soft voice of Elissa call at the end of the stairs.
“Yes, baby.” I said as I turned my head to get a better look at her.
“Who’s that man, mommy?” she motioned with her stuffed dog, Luxton, at the heap of sobs in my arms.
“Just a friend, Elissa,” I said in my sweetest voice, “Go upstairs and lay next to daddy, OK. Don’t worry about me.” Elissa nodded her head and I watched her turn on her heel to sleep next to her daddy. I thanked God for her. Lord knows I love them both more than life itself, but Christiana was another story. She would have argued with me. I smiled at the thought of the trouble she would cause me when she was a teenager.
My attention back on Justin, I noticed that he had only started to cry harder. I rocked back and forth rubbing his back, making shushing noises in an attempt to calm him some.
After a few more minutes he settled down. All I heard was the soft sniffles and whimpers as most people make after they’ve calmed down from crying so much. It was quiet for a little while longer before he finally said, “Everything is falling apart, Lauren. My life is crumbling before my eyes.” I continued to rock back and forth and rubbed his back without saying a word. When he realized that I wasn’t going to say anything he continued. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be successful with my solo career AND the group.” He was talking softly and into my chest. I could feel his hot breath burning into me.
“Tell me what happened.” He shifted slightly and I held my arms back so as to let him get comfortable. When he was still again I put my arms back around him.
“Everything was fine when I first started out alone. The album sold millions. After the tour I started to work on the next one while working on the new album with the guys as well.” He was quiet for a minute. “I really don’t know how to ease into it so I guess I’ll just flat out say it…” he trailed off. He was quiet for a few more minutes despite what he said. I could feel him laugh slightly, which made me smile. “Well that didn’t work.” This time I laughed. It wasn’t a loud, sidesplitting laugh, but it was a laugh nonetheless. I could tell he was laughing with me. “How do you always make me laugh when I’m feeling so miserable?” I rubbed his head in response and touched my cheek to his mess of short, straight hair.
I waited for Justin to talk more, staring once again at the picture of him and myself. His mom had to practically force him to take it. That was back in the days when he didn’t want anyone to bother him, ever. Now he only has those moments every once in a blue moon. I rocked back and forth again and he snuggled close to me.
“I’m gay.” He finally admitted. I was relieved to finally hear him say it. I could tell he felt the same way.
“I know.” I said softly, motherly. He looked up at me incredulously.
“You do?” I nodded and smiled. He didn’t smile back, just looked on with more confusion. “And it doesn’t bother you?” It was my turn to look at him incredulously.
“And why would it bother me?”
“Because I’m gay.” He said again and looked down. I shook my head.
“That doesn’t change who you are, Justin. You’re still the same old baby to me, you just like men instead of women.”
“I wish everyone felt that way.” He said, barely audible. I was curious as to what made him say that. I couldn’t think of anyone who would think of him differently because of his sexual preference, but I didn’t ask. Instead I waited. I knew he would tell me. “I had been dating this really great guy. His name is Alan. We met at this bar I snuck off to about two years ago. Everything was going great until one of the guys from Jive caught us together.” I closed my eyes and shook my head while rubbing his with my hand. “They were not too happy with it. I can understand that, though. If that got out my career could be ruined.” He fell silent again and I could feel more tears seep into my shirt.
“They told me to end my relationship with him or else my contract would be terminated…and like an idiot I did what I was told. I broke up with the man I loved.” He didn’t talk for a while and I sort of figured out what was causing him the most pain. “I looked to the rest of the guys for support and they turned me away. It hurt more that JC did it because I knew he was gay, too. He just never came out.
“I did my best for the next six months to piece myself back together, but I didn’t do that good of a job. Alan didn’t help either since he kept calling and calling, trying to get me to change my mind and take him back, but I was too scared. I didn’t want my career to be over. I love music and I love what I do and I couldn’t bare thinking what it would be like if I couldn’t do music. Aside from the fact the every person I loved except for my mom turned against me, I lost the only other person that meant anything to me.
“Finally I decided that I would rather have Alan than sing and stomped out. Needless to say I’m no longer a part of the Jive family. I went back to Alan, hoping that he still loved me as much as I loved him. He said just that. He loved me, wasn’t in love with me and said that I couldn’t be in love with him if I chose my career over him…” He trailed off.
I looked down at him and closed my eyes. I expected management to act the way they did, but the guys. They were supposed to be close and they turn around and did this to him. How come people judge other people like this? It doesn’t make him any less of a human being that he’s a man that likes men. He started to cry again.
“You still love me don’t you?” He looked up as he wiped his eyes. I smiled.
“Of course I do, and nothing you ever do will change my mind about it.” I put my finger under his chin to raise his eyes to mine. They looked sad and lost. I frowned on the inside because I hated seeing such beautiful, mesmerizing eyes look so gloomy. “Do you understand? Nothing will EVER change that.” He nodded and smiled before he snuggled into me again. I knew he knew that I still loved him. He just wanted to hear me say it. And I was happy to oblige.
“I don’t know why I was afraid of what you would think.” He said finally after a few minutes of silence, save the sound of thunder and lightening around us. “You never judged people. I guess that’s what I admire most about you. You’re so…understanding and open your heart to whoever welcomes it without a second thought.” I laughed slightly and pulled him close.
“Can I tell you something, Justin?” I asked, looking down on him.
“Go ahead. I think I owe you that much.” He said without looking up.
“I used to have the biggest crush on you when we were little.” I laughed and he looked up at me.
“You did? On me?” he asked, his eyes starting to regain their normal, cheerful composure.
“I sure did. And I was sort of…well pissed when I figured out what was going on with you.”
“Whoa. I never would have guessed.” He smiled. “I don’t know why I couldn’t have figured it out. Now that I think about it you did always tease me…calling me baby and all.” I laughed slightly.
“That’s because you ARE a baby.”
“Ha, I’m only three years younger than you. Besides, you’re OLD. You’ll be thirty sooner than I will.” I nudged him playfully.
“Never, and I do mean NEVER, comment on a woman’s age, Justin. It’s an unwritten rule.” He shifted in my embrace and reached for the picture of Christiana and Elissa.
“Do you think I could meet them? They look really nice.”
“Ha, they’re both wonderful, aside from Christiana’s rebellious seven year old moments. I’m lucky Elissa didn’t go through the terrible two’s. Christiana was a nightmare.” He laughed against me, then I saw his face fall.
“Do they-”
“It’s not my business to tell, and he doesn’t know either.” I answered before he could finish his question.
“I guess you’d like to keep it that way for a while, huh?” He ran the pad of his thumb over their faces and I kept my mouth shut, thinking it best not to even contemplate an answer to that question. Justin glanced at the picture once more before setting it back on the table then settled into me. I could tell he was getting tired.
“Why don’t we get up and get some sleep.” I said as I pushed him off. He didn’t budge. “Justin?”
“Do you think you could just sit here with me a little while longer, Lauren? Please?” He looked up at me with pleading eyes and I smiled and settled down again. He got comfortable, as did I after I glanced at the microwave again and noticed it was now after two. I didn’t mind, though. The only thing I was worried about at the moment was making him feel better.
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