In the moonlit room, he stared blankly at the ceiling. Millions of thoughts ran through his throbbing head, none of which made any sense. Although exhausted, he couldn’t sleep. ‘Maybe if I don’t sleep, morning won’t come,’ he silently thought. He had messed up again and for the second time in his life, he saw his life crash down before him. The guilt washed over his body, sending an uncomfortable feeling to his stomach, making him sick. Rushing from the tangled bed, he headed towards the bathroom to throw up for the fifth time tonight. As he wiped tears from his eyes, he couldn’t believe he had done it again.
I can't meet
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing…
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing…
He woke in an unfamiliar bed, the story of his life. Peeking from underneath his eyelid, he saw the sun cascade the elegant hotel room. It was here. The thought of the night before had not left his head at all, even haunting his slumber. Lifting his heavy arm, he looked at his watch to check the time. ‘8:39. She’ll be here in an hour.’ As the second hand on his watch got closer to 12, he knew she was a second closer to finding out. Tick. Tick. Tick.
He groggily rolled out of bed and walked to the shower, stepping in moments after he brushed his teeth. As the hot steamy water streamed down and crashed against his body, he wished that it would wash away all his troubles, make him a new man. He had wished this many times before, but it never seemed to happen. ‘Just once…please make this time it.’ He didn’t waste time on thinking of useless excuses and he wasn’t going to lie to her. She deserved to know the truth. She deserved more than his love.
He stepped out of the shower, wrapped one of the fresh white towels around his waist and grabbed another to dry his hair. Going back into the bedroom of the suite, he checked his phone and time. No missed calls…9:02. Throwing his phone back on the bed, he turned and headed back into the bathroom. He was silent, opposed to his usual humming or singing. After shaving and moisturizing his matured face, he stared into the mirror. “How could you f***ing do it again? God Justin, why are you such a f*** up?” he said to his reflection just angering himself more. It was just a mere eight hours before that he had once again given into lust, not thinking about love. He had no defenses. Just guilt. She had slowly forgiven him for his first mistake, him promising it wouldn’t happen again. Now it had.
He put on clothes and picked up the ones from the floor. He was now ready for all that was about to come. He prepared himself for the pain, the agony, and the heartbreak. He just wished that he could prepare her for the same. But all he could do was sit and wait, dismissing any calls that weren’t her.
Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening…
As the plane landed, her heart began to race. After weeks of not seeing him, she was now only minutes away. After two years, she was used to being away from him, but each time was different. Each time she missed something else about him. This time it was the way he would carefully make his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches…careful to get equal amounts of each on both sides. And although he never did it out loud, she always knew he was singing the “Peanut Butter and Jelly Song” in his head. It always made her laugh, causing him to look up in embarrassment, as if she knew he were singing. She smiled to herself and looked at her watch. 9:25. Right on time.
As soon as she came out of the tunnel, a large body greeted her. “Hey Lonnie,” she said as she hugged him, a little disappointed that he was not accompanied by her boyfriend. “Have you been looking out for our boy?” she smiled. Her smile was contagious.
“Girl you know that boy’s outta control,” his husky voice replied. She let out a small laugh, trying not to take it seriously. She knew all too well of what Justin was capable of. He sometimes got the mindset that nothing could harm him. He was on top of the world, and more than once, she fell victim to this. This made her heart, even though full of nothing but complete and true love, feel heavy like a stone.
After grabbing her luggage, they drove off in the large Escalade and headed towards his hotel. Digging her cell phone out of her purse, she naturally pressed the 1 button and then “call,” hearing his end of the phone ring instantly.
The sound of his phone playing “99 Problems” startled him in the quiet room. ‘How ironic,’ he thought as he saw “Caller...My b****…” flash on his phone. “Hey…”
“Hi. What are you doing?”
“Waiting on you,” he said. His voice was dry and somber. She felt her mouth go dry. “Where are you?”
“We just left the airport. I should be there in about 10 minutes.” She looked outside and watched as people walked by. She ached for him.
“Okay.”
“Justin?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.” It pained him to hear it. He truly did love her. She was the most precious thing he had ever known. How could he do that to her?
“I love you too,” he told her. They hung up and he looked back at his watch. Tick. Tick. Tick.
The door was in her sight. Ten more steps and she would be right at the entry of her paradise: alone with the man she loved. He heard the rattle of her putting the key in the door, and finally the click of it opening. She entered and lit up the room. Smiling, she ran to him and poured her body onto his, smothering him with kisses. Justin let her, picking her up and embracing her body, feeling her, smelling her and loving her. After one long reacquainting kiss, he put her down to look in her big brown eyes. She did the same, looking in his to see they were red and puffy. He had been crying. “Justin, what’s wrong?” His time had come.
“I uh…” he brushed her shiny brown hair out of her face and tucked it softly behind her ear. “I need to tell you something.” Her jaw clinched, heart dropped and legs became weak as she sat down.
“Okay.” She already knew what was about to come out of his mouth. She knew by the way he nervously licked his lips, by the way he looked around the room, by the way he moved, by the way he held her hand. They were all too familiar to her. It was if she were re-living a bad memory. She felt like just asking ‘Who? Where? When?’ but she didn’t.
“Marissa, I love you.” She wanted to say ‘I already knew that,’ and just move on with their lives, but she knew that wasn’t the end of it. “Last night we went out and had a few drinks. I got pretty drunk and well, I’m not going to lie to you.” She fought back tears as her body became tense and cold. “I uh…I ended up bringing someone back up here.” She stood and turned her back towards him as the first tears began to fill her eyes. She knew it. She knew it would happen again. Marissa quickly raised her hand, slapping it across his face. She wiped her tears and picked dup her bags from the floor, heading straight for the door. “Wait Marissa, don’t leave!” he said as he grabbed her arm. He knew that he well deserved what he had just received.
“Let go of me!” she yelled as she fought him. “Apparently I’m in the wrong room because my boyfriend told me he loved me and he f***ing SWORE to me that he wouldn’t cheat on me again!” She was now looking him straight in the eyes, something she instantly regretted. Still holding on to her bags, she looked away. “Let me go Justin.”
“No. I’m not letting you go Marissa.”
“Why? So you can continue to sleep around behind my back? Is that why Justin? Or do you have other ways of breaking me planned out?”
“Ris, I’m sorry…”
“Cry me a f***ing river. Isn’t that what you wrote that song about? Remember Justin? Remember what it felt like to find out about Danielle? What about Veronica? Or how about when you found out Britney was f***ing around behind your back?” She had hit a nerve. She was right. He knew exactly how she felt, but he also knew that this time he wouldn’t be okay to just move on. “You didn’t give them second chances, why the hell do expect me to give you a third one?”
This is over my head
But underneath my feet
“Because you love me.” She didn’t respond. “And I love you. Don’t you think that I hate myself for doing this to you? I’d rather die than cause you pain. Marissa, I f***ed up, I know. If I could take it back I would, but I can’t. I should let you go right now because you deserve so much more than me, but I can’t. Marissa when I’m with you I feel nothing but real. I’m not ever putting on a show for you. I feel real emotion. That’s something that I only feel around you. You see me as no one but Justin, your boyfriend, someone to love and take care of and to know there is someone like you who cares about me, how I feel, what I like and dislike without criticizing me, but accepting me for who I am... I can’t begin to explain to you how that makes me feel. I’ve grown into a new skin because of you. I’m comfortable with myself. I’m content with my life… my life with you. I don’t want any of that to ever change. I want to love you forever, Marissa. I want to grow old with you, raise a family. I don’t want to live with out you and I pray to God every night that I won’t have to.” Her bags were still in her hands, her knuckles white from her tight grip. “Now I’m going to let go of you and hope that you don’t leave because you know that everything I just said came straight from my heart and is nothing but the truth.” He let go, as did she, her bags hitting the floor.
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy…
She understood every word he had just proclaimed, feeling the same exact way about him. Everyday she had wondered how she became so lucky to be the one he had chosen. He had so many options around him, but she was the one he called every chance he had from the time he woke to the time he fell asleep. She was the one he declared his love to, announced around the world. And among all the ciaos in his stressful life, he still listened to her everyday problems, helping her solve them in anyway he could. She was his jewel, his peace, his gift from God. Yet, he still left her on the edge. Should she stay and live in fear that it will happen again? Or should she go, leaving behind the one person that she knew she couldn’t live without? It was her double-edged sword.
I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Or just a dream?
“I can’t Justin.” It felt as if someone had sucked the life out of him. “I mean, if I stay with you, I don’t know when or if I’ll be able trust you again. But I’m scared to go because I don’t want to lose you…” Her tears became reacquainted with her cheeks. “I don’t know what hurts more Justin, but either way, the thought of you being with someone else kills me.” He wrapped his arms around her and her head fell onto his chest as she cried. Holding her tightly, he wished he could just absorb all her pain.
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?
Don’t be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again.
I don't want to run away from this,
I know that I just don't need this…
“This wasn’t supposed to be me Justin. I was so careful… I never thought you’d do this to me…”
“I’m sorry baby…I’m so sorry…” Along with her smile, her tears were also infectious.
“I know you are, Justin, but I can’t live my life hearing those words all the time.”
“You won’t, baby, I promise…”
“That’s what you said last time.” She pulled herself out of his arms, once again reaching for her things. “I think I’m going to get another room…”
“Please Marissa, don’t leave me…please…” He intercepted her hand and linked his fingers in hers, grabbing the other hand and doing the same. He pressed his forehead against hers firmly and pleaded, “Please don’t do this…it won’t happen again I swear, baby. Don’t leave me…” All his preparing had been no use. Nothing could prepare him for this. He fell to his knees, now resting his forehead on her stomach. “I need you…” he breathed through his cries.
“Justin, do you expect me to sleep in that bed? In this room? You just gave your body to some stranger, and now you expect me to continue making love to it? How is that supposed to mean anything to me when it obviously doesn’t mean anything to you?”
“It does Marissa…when I’m with you it means everything to me.”
“Justin, what if you got her pregnant? What if she gave you something?
“I was careful…”
“So you were had the sense to use a condom but you don’t think ‘I have a girlfriend. I love her. I don’t want to hurt her. I respect her. She’ll be here in the morning and I can make love to her and not just have meaningless sex with someone I don’t even know.’ God Justin you couldn’t even wait a couple of hours…” He didn’t say anything. He knew there was nothing he could say. She was right. “I’m going to get another room. I’m not leaving… I just need time to think about this.”
Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
After hours of thinking, she didn’t know what was right. Should she stay with him and fear it would happen again? She knew if she did, that trust would never be there again. ‘At least he was honest, right? He didn’t lie to me…that should mean something right?’ His words of apology rang through her head, those of today lacing in and out with the ones of the past. She loved him. That’s all that seemed concrete to her. She also heard the words of the ones closest to her, “You don’t deserve that, you deserve better.” She knew she didn’t deserve it. No one did. But was there something better out there? Something more spectacular than the way she felt with Justin?
He was alone in his room. After hours of pacing, wondering, and hating himself, he began to feel as if he had lost her. He briefly talked to his mom, and even her words didn’t make anything better as they usually had. “Everything happens for a reason,” she had said, “Everything will turn out for the better.” He had tried to think of a better life than his with Marissa, but it wasn’t possible. No one had ever made him feel as special as she had and at the same time, no one had ever made him feel like this much sh**. It was if everyone around him was scared to. For the first time in a long time, he felt defeated. He felt alone. Suddenly, he heard his phone ring. It was her. 'If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a b**** ain't one...'
“Hello?” he asked, his heart racing furiously.
“Could you come to my room?” She sounded lonely. She was lonely.
“Yeah, I’ll be right there. What number?”
“1986,” she said. “Just knock.” He was already on his feet and out the door.
“Okay.” She hung up and he approached the elevator, pressing all the buttons, anxiously awaiting the first to open. When it finally did, he ran in, his finger instantly finding the right number.
Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomorrow
Moments later, the doors opened and he dashed through the halls, hoping not to run into anyone who would set him back. Finally, there it was, 1986. He nervously knocked three times and it wasn’t until she opened the door he started breathing again. She was covered in her satin bathrobe, hair wet and brushed back. ‘She unpacked…’ he thought. As he passed her in the doorway, he found himself right seeing her luggage open and her things scattered around the room.
“I told you I wasn’t leaving,” she said noticing his sly observations. Marissa walked past him into the bathroom where she began to braid her hair. He watched her until she was out of sight and sat on the bed nearby. He looked down at his dangling feet and just listened to her in the other room. The familiar after-shower mixed scent of her shampoo, lotion and steam tickled his nose, making his body stiffen. The smell alone was sexy to him. Still staring down, he saw her red toenails approach him and disappear as his left side on the bed sank in. He couldn’t look at her; there was no way he could bear seeing her face tell him it was over. He just sat in silence waiting for her decision, knowing that there was nothing left he could say. There are only so many times you can say you’re sorry. She took a deep breath, preparing herself for her actions. “I’ve made my decision.” He just nodded. “And before I tell you, I just want to ask you something. Are…are you happy with me?” Justin’s head rose, looking at her with sincerity.
“I’m only happy when I’m with you. It makes me happy to see you smile, to hear you laugh,” he said as he noticed fresh tears run down her cheeks, “I’m even happy when you cry knowing that you need me to wipe away your tears and make everything okay again.” He did as he said and wiped her tears with this thumbs. His large hands felt good to the touch, just as they always had.
“But you shouldn’t be the one causing the tears, Justin. I need to know though because if you’re not… I can’t be in this relationship if it’s not worth it. I can’t dodge your fan’s threats, jeopardize my career, life, for something that one of us isn’t happy in, and all I want for you is to be happy. But when you do this, it makes me question your love for me. You’re out there feeding girls bait, Justin. You’re giving them hope that you will bring them back to your room, so they keep trying. I’ve tried to understand why you just can’t stop and tell them that you’re happy with me, unless you’re not. It makes me feel like I’m not making you happy enough, that I’m not good enough for you. And I hate to think that because I didn’t do anything but try my hardest to make you happy.”
“You don’t have to try”“ he started, being cut off by her fingers on his lips.
“I know, Justin. Despite the scheduling, traveling and our little fights here and there, this relationship has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t have to try with you. Everything just comes naturally. I think that’s partially why my decision was easier to make than I thought it would be.” She held his hand lightly, playing with his fingers. His heart felt as if it were about to pound out of his chest. For the first time, she was unreadable to him. “I don’t know why you did it. I don’t want to know why. I don’t think that I’ll ever understand why either. The thought of you being with someone else sickens me…” His mouth was dry, his breathing short. He felt his body go cold, as if the life were being sucked out. “But I can’t imagine me being with anyone else.” Marissa looked at Justin for his response, it being one of someone who had just been released from Death Row. He immediately jumped her, crashing his lips against hers. “Wait,” she said pulling away. “This doesn’t mean that I’ve forgiven you. It doesn’t even mean I’m taking you back.” All his hope fell again. “This isn’t something I can just decide in a matter of hours.” She hesitated, not really knowing how to break the news. “I’m leaving in the morning.” He literally felt his heart break. His breathing became short. ‘I’ve lost her,’ was all that ran through his mind. “I don’t know when I’ll get over this, or if I ever will, but this isn’t the right place to begin.” Justin wanted to reach out to her, but he seemed to be paralyzed. He felt dead, stabbed, like his soul was just sucked out of him. “I’m not breaking up with you, just giving us time I guess. Time to figure out if this relationship is what we really want.”
“Is it what you want?” The words seemed to come out of nowhere, surprising even him.
“Yes, Justin. I want it more than anything in the world. But I’m not going to want it any more if it continues to be like this. I want you to see if it’s what you want because right now it doesn’t seem that way to me.” His head fell and she cupped it in her hand. “I love you.” Tears fell, she wiped them away. “I don’t want to be with anyone else but you. Just let me believe that you don’t want to be with anyone else either, okay?” Her voice was now a whisper covered with tears. He nodded. She grew closer to him, like a magnet between their bodies. He was now in her arms, and she in his. She took note of everything she could: the way he felt, the way he smelled, his heartbeat faintly beating into rhythm with her own. He did the same, running his fingers through her long wet hair, over her silky skin, holding her tighter and tighter. He was in heaven and hell all at the same time.
“Can I”“ he choked out.
“What baby?” she asked into his skin. It was so hard for her to just forget everything and devour him like she loved. It physically hurt her to be so close to him, yet so far away.
“Can I just hold you for the night?” His words were sincere, as if a last wish. She nodded before letting go and climbing into bed. He shed his clothes down to his boxers and climbed in after her, accepting her open arms. Once again, he fought off sleep, fearing the morning.
However, it came.
He woke again, feeling the weight of his eyelids and blinded by the sunlight. Quickly closing them again, he didn’t move. He took a deep breath. He could still smell her sweet scent. Excitedly, he opened his eyes and turned, finding disappointment along with a note on top of the satin nighty she had worn.
Justin,
As you can see, I’m gone. I tried not to wake you. You always look so peaceful when you sleep. I hope this break isn’t as long as I fear. I hate the thought of being without you. I’ll be in touch, one day with the news we’re waiting for. I love you.
Love your Marissa.
P.S. I left this for you. I took your shirt.
He rolled onto his back, letting the nightgown lay softly across his face. He breathed in and out, it getting harder every second, now knowing what defeat felt like.
What is real,
Or just a dream?
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