It's the biggest night of his life and I can't be there to share it with him. It's the night of the Grammy's, and their last album had done so well they were shoe-ins for an award. They were nominated for Album of the Year along with four other categories. He's there, and I'm here. His girlfriend of a year and a half is stuck in a hotel room like some prisoner.
I always thought that when you were in love it made you feel careless and free, but not in my case. Don't get me wrong, I love him more than anything, but I'm always out of the picture when it comes to public things. That's because the public thinks he is with "Miss Teen Queen" herself. Everything in me despises that 5'5" body of hers. She's a constant reminder of what I'm not. She repeatedly tells me that he doesn't love me, and that he still loves her. It could be true, but when he looks at me with those baby blues and tells me that she's only jealous, I can't help but believe him. After all, he's everything I have ever wanted and more. Sometimes I feel so inferior when compared to her. I don't have millions in the bank, I don't have a huge house in the hills, and I'm certainly not adored by thousands of men. There are times when I honestly don't know what he sees in me. I mean, I'm cute in my own way, but I'm a far cry from a sex symbol.
There was a time when I caught him with her. That was the worst day of my life. I should have ended it that day, but I looked into those blue eyes and somehow he was forgiven. It's like he has some unspoken control over me. It's like an invisible power or something. Ever since that day things haven't been the same. That goes without saying. It's extremely hard to trust him. I can't be with him 24/7, so it's hard to believe that he's faithful. The guys and their girlfriends have told me he's not, but he just looks at me and smiles. Then like magic, I fall in love all over again.
My thoughts are interrupted as I hear Nelly and Carson Daly call out their name. The camera shows them for the first time all night, and sitting there she is sitting to his right. Then in a matter of seconds my future vanishes as he kisses her. Not on the cheek, but on the lips. It's not a kiss of happiness, it's a kiss full of love and passion. It's like someone is stabbing me when I realize he used to kiss me like that. All it took was
three seconds for my life to crumble. I have all the proof I need, I've seen it with my own two eyes. There's no way he can smile or sweet talk his way out of this one. As much as I want to pinch myself and not believe what I just saw, there's no denying reality. I sit here in shock, as he thanks her, not me, but her. The wounds keep getting deeper and deeper. This is it. We are officially over. We are no longer. What am I without him? My whole identity is in him. What do I do now? I guess there is only one option, and that is to leave, but I can't leave without telling him how I feel.
Dear Justin,
I guess this is it. You proclaimed your love for her like you never could do for me. You always said that I was the only one, but you proved yourself a liar tonight. I want you to now that I could never be her, and I never want to be like her. I love you more than words or thoughts could ever express. It felt like your hand fit perfectly into mine. It seemed to melt into me like every other part of you did every time we touched. Now I realize there is an even better fit for you than me. I made room for you in my life, and now I wonder if you really ever loved me. I wonder if you truly cared or if I was just a place of normalcy when you needed to get away from your lifestyle. I wonder if your kisses were sincere or if they were only out of gratitude. I don't know, and I don't want to know. I have a feeling if I find out it will only hurt more. All I know is that I can't be second best. Even though you won that award tonight the true winner isn't you, it's her. She has your heart, therefore she's won, and I have come up on the losing side. So whenever you hear the famous line, "And the winner is..." I want you to think of me. Think of the girl who gave you everything in her only to come up empty handed. I gave you all of me, and expected nothing in return. People say that's when you know that you're in love. When you are willing to give up everything, and expect nothing in return. But in most cases they usually get everything they have ever wanted in return because the other person is feeling the same way. I feel like a fool, but I can't change what happened. I don't know if I will ever be the same without you, but all I can do is move on and hope for the best. Do me a favor, make sure she knows that she's the winner because she has the best thing a girl could hope for.
Please don't forget the fact that I love you despite your actions.
You are forever in my heart,
Rayne
How could I not love the person that made me smile nomatter how much my heart was breaking. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm walking away from my life's happiness without a fight, but to come up on the losing side once again wouldn't be worth the fight.
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