I have watched him for years. Five years to be exact. For five years I have studied his every move, basked in his never ending charisma, and memorized his words down to every “uh” and “seriously”. I’ve wanted him, needed him, craved him. All the while he has never known that I exist, that I exist for him. We’ve touched but he’s never truly felt me. We’ve talked but he hasn’t heard a word I’ve said. We’ve been so close that air couldn’t make it’s way between our bodies, but the distance between our souls went on forever.
I remember the first time I saw him. I looked into his eyes and saw forever. I saw my future in the most beautiful blue gaze. The most brilliant shade of blue. I felt like I was looking into the sky, endless, just like our future would be. I was young and naïve to think that we could be together. I was inferior. My life didn’t fit into his. So I decided I would wait. Eventually he would come to realize there was no one more perfect for him than me.
Breathe, trust, bless me and release
Climb, hard or never be seen
Closed off rescue to breathe
Just bless me
Two sided time your rebirth can't hurt
Branch out behind
The pain
Closure has come to me, myself
You will never belong to me
Two years later I saw him again. He had changed…we both had. I was no longer naïve and he was no longer the open book he once was. There was a wall. There was more than that. There was a wall, a river, and a bridge that needed to be crossed before you could even touch him. It’s amazing what a bad relationship, a broken heart, and pure pain can do to someone. How much it can change someone’s appearance. His eyes were no longer cerulean, they were darker. The sky was now cloudy. I walked towards him, a faint feeling of familiarity filled the gap. Somehow he was drawn to me, I couldn’t breath as I felt his hand touch my face. There was something different, something faint. He didn’t appear to be breathing either, but I swore I would hold my breath until he released his.
Had to turn and lay down
You're the sting of disease
Phase you out should've seen this coming
Go on confusing this soul
Hold my breath 'till you rupture
Three days aside
Your rebirth can't hurt
Branch out behind
Pride
Closure has come to me, myself
You will never belong to me
I’ve been holding my breath for years. I want something in him to let go, to release. The last time I saw him was intense. Lust, alcohol, and smoke filled the air. I longed to catch his eye, to have him look my way. There was a blonde on one arm and a brunette on the other, and his focus was solely on them. As I walked to the bar I heard a voice, one that sounded like something I heard before, but this time instead of being sweet and angelic it was deep, angry, and full of hurt. I looked in the direction of the voice and saw a storm. The sky was no longer a shade of blue. It was a disgusting shade of gray…almost black. The clouds had taken over and all I saw was rain, pouring rain. There is nothing light, airy, or even the slightest bit sweet about him. He was gone and there was nothing I could do to make him come back. I cringed at the smell of alcohol lacing his every word. He asked me if he’s seen me before. I just nod, not being able to form words. I was at a loss, I never thought I would see him in this condition. So careless, so damaged, and so worn. The girls had left him arms. It felt like it was just the two of us and in that moment I realized he wasn’t what I needed. I had wanted him, but want and need are two different things. I wanted him, but through the years I became conscious of the fact that he wasn’t going to be good for me. I no longer felt inferior...I felt pain. I felt pain for every time someone pried into his life. Every time someone crossed the line and became too personal. I felt pain for every moment he hurt, for every tear he cried, and for every night he went without rest.
Like a leech
I hold on as if we belonged
To some precious pure dream
Cast off you've seen what's beneath
Now fail me
Closure has come to me, myself
You will never belong to me
In a moment where everything seemed to stop I figured it all out. He never belonged to me and he never would. He belonged to fans, the faceless mass, and the industry. No woman could be his everything because he would never allow himself to be wrapped up in a woman. Sure there were girlfriends, but they didn’t last. As soon as they realized he wasn’t fully and completely theirs it was over. In that very same moment I longed to be his everything, to carry his burdens and let him breathe. Instead I was the one who exhaled, I was the one who found closure.
He couldn’t let go of his pride, his hurt, his heaviness. If he would just realize that he could be brought back to life. He could go back to his old self by simply releasing a breath and taking in something fresh. He could be reborn. The sky would no longer be black and stormy, it would once again be crystal clear.
He has failed me, and it hurts, but one day he will rupture and no one will be there to pick up the pieces. I could do that for him, but he never let me in. I held on for so long, held my breath until I felt I was going to break at the seams. I was at the point of breaking, but realizing the person I wanted to pick up my pieces wasn’t going to be there for me like no one would be there for him. Closure has come, and you don’t belong to me but to my past.
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