He called again. This time I was ok because I figured he would. Last time we spoke he told me we would talk again, but I didn't think it would be so soon. He apologized again. That's all he told me he knew to say. He doesn't consider what happened a mistake. He took it as a lesson. He learned that doing things like what we did hurt people, and in this case it was Britney and me. So I guess she knows. He said it must have been confusing and shocking for me when their relationship came out. He apologized again and said he should have told me the truth instead of denying it and acting so casual about it. He asked me how I felt so I told him. This is what I said...
"I had a really hard time with it Justin. I figured you wouldn't call but secretly I wished you would. My emotions and feelings are so out of whack that I don't know what is going on half of the time. I wanted to tell everyone in hopes that I could release some of these feelings and anger, but I couldn't. For one thing no one would believe me, and two, I felt so ashamed. I finally got some courage confided in four people. My cousin who now refers to me as a slut or a whore every time we argue. A supposed friend who now calls and says obscene things to my family and me. One TRUE friend who remains with me no matter what, and my mom. I felt my mom would be so disappointed so I didn't tell her for a long time. When I did tell her she was disappointed but she helped me a lot. There were times when I thought does he even care? Am I just another "trophy" for him to flaunt around to friends? There was so much guilt and so much pain that I wanted to disappear. I don't feel that way anymore, but there still is guilt. Guys pretend things like this are so casual, but girls get so emotional and attached. I was taught to be with only one person, and that person should be
your husband on your wedding night, not some one-night fling that messes with your head and emotions. I had such an awesome time getting to know JC and you. I wish I could get to know you both some more. I know you are with Britney and she's what makes you happy, but it still hurts when I see
you together. I have a soul tie with you Justin, and you have one with me. That's what happens when you sleep with someone. You have a piece of them with you forever, if you want it or not. I want mine. As much pain as it brings me at times, I don't regret it. Of course there were times when
I would pinch myself because it felt like I was dreaming, but the times it felt so right and so real overshadowed the feelings of doubt. I loved spending time with you. I didn't love it because your name is Justin Timberlake. That was the last thing I thought about. I loved the time because the way you ate breakfast the next morning. I love how you hummed in
my ear when we danced. I love the way you kissed my neck and how you lightly squeezed my hand when you noticed I was feeling down about leaving the next day. I love the way you laughed when I made jokes about Joey, and the way you asked me to dance by simply putting out your hand. The whole time I looked at you as a "normal" guy that knew how to have fun. Never once did I think, I have to be with him because he is a popstar. Never once was it my intention to sleep with you, things just happen and they happen for a reason. I don't know the reason this happened, but eventually I will. I love you in a way no one else does because not everyone knows you the way I do. Even though it was only little over two days we were together I can still remember everything. I remember the way your hair felt, how you smelled, and the taste of your mouth. I remember the way you looked when you slept. I remember every curve of your mouth and your sweet voice. I remember the structure of your every muscle, your strong hands but gentle touch. I
remember your eyes. Oh, your eyes. I could feel them staring into my soul where you could read my every thought. I didn't care about the fans outside the hotel, and I didn't care that I had to use the back entrance. I didn't care that I couldn't walk with you in the hotel or ride in the same elevator as you. The only thing I cared about was that I was there and so were you. Nothing else mattered. The scary thing is I know we probably won't be together again unless fate steps in. But I want you know this...nothing will ever change my love for you, and until the day I walk down that aisle and see you at the end I will never forget the little things."
With that the conversation ended with a simple "I'm sorry and I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I don't control things. Good-bye." And with that he was gone, and this time it was good-bye for good.
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