Justin stretched his arms and yawned. His vision was blurry as he attempted to see what time it was. His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he found that it was nearly two in the afternoon. Remembering the feelings and events from the night before, he got up from his bed in search for Ella, who surprisingly hadn’t attempted to bother him yet.

He walked into the kitchen and immediately stopped at the sight in front him. He had never seen so many groceries in his life. They were on the floor, on the countertops, on the bar, on the table...they were everywhere. He looked around and didn’t notice Ella anywhere. He started searching for a note and just shook his head when nothing was found. Just as he was about to go back to bed and wish it all away, the door opened and in walked Ella herself, carrying yet another armful of bags.

"Um, a little help please?" She asked, glancing down at the bag hanging from her mouth that was threatening to pull her teeth out at any moment.

"What are you doing?" Justin said, looking around, "Where did you go? How did you..."

She sighed and shook her head, "So many questions. Okay, look, I was starving, so I went to the store. You don’t have anything, so I bought you everything! You left your keys on the table, so I just grabbed the house key and left" she paused only to take a breath, "You should really go outside, the weather is beautiful! A slight chill in the air, but the sun is shining. Ah, it's just wonderful!"

"But what about the money? Did I leave a couple thousand lying around too?" Justin asked, clearly bewildered by the entire situation.

"Nope, I paid for it..." she stated, putting the last bag down on the ground, "Now we just have to put it all away"

"There is no WE in this at all. You went out and bought them, you put them away!" he exclaimed, still shocked at the sight of his kitchen, "I mean...there is like, four hundred dollars worth of groceries here!"

"I like to have a variety" she said simply, shrugging her shoulders, “I mean…think about it…would you want to eat the same kind of cereal every day, or the same kind of sandwich every day? You have to have a little spice in your life. Speaking of spice, I got you some cayenne pepper. I can’t live without it…”

"But you don't live here, I do! I get food delivered half the time anyway"

Ella smiled and walked over towards him, taking his shoulders and shaking them slightly, "Do you need a hug?"

Even though a hug was the least of things on his mind, he welcomed her arms around him and patted her on the back, "I just don't understand..."

"I'm just being nice. Count it as your present for the day" she glanced down and around her and sighed, "This is going to take forever...oh and by the way" she whispered, "I think that as a 'your welcome', you should cook me breakfast..."

"What?" he scoffed, "How in the world did that come into the equation, all I did was sleep! And it's two in the afternoon…"

"You've never eaten breakfast at two?" she asked, "I can't believe it..."

"I have, I just don't think about doing it that often" he said. He looked at her, standing in the middle of the kitchen, her hair still unkempt from a night of sleep, her clothes wrinkled and stretched. "You’re crazy, you know that?"

She laughed, "Yeah, I hear that a lot..."

Swayed by her cuteness alone, he gave in. "I bet you do...well, I uh, I guess we should get started on this?"

"You mean…you should get started on this?" Ella asked, "I'm so tired! And my arms hurt…and my legs feel like they actually got a little exercise.” She paused and a look of worry appeared on her face, “Have you ever had that burning feeling…is that normal?"

Justin gave her a look, “Ella…are you kidding me? And for the record, I didn't ask you to go and buy a room full of groceries did I? Now get up!" he demanded, pulling her from the couch, "You got me into this mess, put it away...” When she remained stationary on the couch, he looked at her and shook his head, “Too bad…all that ice cream is probably going to melt..."

She looked inquisitively at him, "Hey…I didn't tell you that I got ice cream" she said, "have you been following me?" Her eyes slimmed as she glared at him, "Perv!"

"Ella, dear, you went to the grocery. I just used my ‘Ella’ brain and concluded that there is no way you would go to a store full of food and not come back out with ice cream…” he told her, giving her the ‘you know I’m right’ look.

“I guess that makes sense…” She smiled, "I think you're finally learning how I tick, Justin..."

“Yeah, well, it’s about time…” he muttered, “So uh, what do you want eat?”

“Chocolate Chip pancakes” she said with ease, “Do you know how to make pancakes?”

He looked at her and rolled her eyes, “Of course I know how to make pancakes!” he scoffed, “What do you think I am? Useless?”

Ella smiled, “Well, that’s great! Can I borrow your shower while you get started? I feel, um, gross. Which is odd, because I rarely feel gross, but today I just…I guess it was the smoke in the club and the drinks and stuff, and…”

Getting used to cutting her sentences off, Justin jumped in, “Go ahead, there’s a bathroom right around the corner and there should be towels and everything else you would need, okay?”

He watched carefully, waiting for her to disappear behind the corner before opening one of the bottom cabinets, “Pancakes…pancakes…” he whispered, looking through a pile of cookbooks his mother had sent him over the past couple months, “Aha…” he looked at the instructions and nodded, “Yeah, I think I can do this…” He jumped up from the floor and starting rummaging through the bags looking for his first ingredient.

“You have no idea how to cook pancakes do you?” Ella said from behind him, causing him to jump about a mile before turning around.

“Hey! I thought you were taking a shower!”

“I realized that I didn’t have any extra clothes, and well, my dress stinks because I forgot to put on deodorant last night and well, you know what…”

"I’ve heard enough” he said, putting a hand out to stop her, “Um…I have some pajamas that wont fall off of you” he offered, “Let me go get them…”

Ella watched him go up the stairs and she was left in the massive mess that she had left in his kitchen. Smiling, she bent down and grabbed a package of chocolate chips from a bag, “Yum” she said, opening them and popping a few in her mouth. She thought back on her conversation with Nicola from earlier that morning. Nicola had been quite surprised that Ella had stayed with Justin, pleasantly surprised. She went on and on about how she had called the relationship before it even happened. You spend one innocent night with a guy and every one thinks that something is ‘up’. She kept her eyes on Justin as he walked down the stairs, his sweat pants hanging loosely on his hips, his hoodie hiding every bit of muscle he had. She was impressed with him; he was pretty good looking she had finally decided…maybe lacking in individuality, but definitely handsome. But most of all…he was just fun.

He threw a ball of clothes at her, “Here, go wash up. I’m tired of smelling those pits of yours” he said with a laugh.

“Ew! Don’t say pits, that’s such a gross word!” she exclaimed, “It makes me shudder!”

“Ella, just go take a shower” he said, somewhat persuasively.

She looked at him, charming him with every piece of her smile that she revealed, “Promise me you won’t say pits again?”

“I promise I won’t say pits again, because I know you hate the word pit and I know that it drives you nuts when I say pits and”

He was stopped by her hand over his mouth, “Why do I feel like I’m always having to shut you up?” She said with a wink.

“I feel the same way” he managed to say underneath the weight of her hand.

“Yeah…” she said, “Yeah…” she moved closer towards him, “You feel like you’re always having to shut me up?” she whispered, the sudden doe-like persona making him somewhat weak in the knees.

He removed her hand from his mouth and held it in his own, “I didn’t say it was a bad thing…”  

Suddenly aware of the closeness of their bodies and the silence in the room, Ella backed away and shrugged off the feeling in her stomach, “I, I…”

“You need to go take a shower…” he finished for her, trying to mask the husky tone to his voice.

She nodded her head, “Yeah…I think so…” she whispered, still looking into his eyes, as if searching for something that he had yet to tell her. She bit her lip and managed to lower her gaze but for a second, “Thanks…for the, uh, the clothes...”

Through the awkwardness he managed to laugh, “I’m going to go make breakfast…”

“Okay…”

“Okay…”

“Okay” Ella said again, turning on her heels and walking back towards the bathroom. Once inside the safeness of the four walls, she sat down on the edge of the massive tub and sighed. “What just happened in there?” she asked herself. In all honesty, she just didn’t know. One second he was Justin, the cocky ass who always managed to rub her the wrong way. But then, he was just this sweet guy who changed right in front of her eyes. It was almost like he just had these moments when he just wanted her. He had these moments, like he was actually interested? She shrugged off the idea and turned the water on. Stepping into the shower, she smiled, hearing the loud clang of a pot in the kitchen. He was making her pancakes.

--------------------------------------------------

“Tell me every thing” Nicola gushed, holding a cup of hot tea in her hands, “How was breakfast?”

Ella laughed, “Why are you making this out to be such a big deal? I mean, I got drunk, completely unaware might I add, and I stayed at his house. I bought him groceries. He cooked me breakfast…” Ella stopped when she realized how “homey” the whole situation sounded.

Nicola cracked up upon hearing this, “You guys already sound married!” she said in between spurts of giggles, “And you know it!”

Forcing herself not to laugh, Ella stared at Nicola and raised her eyebrows, “I have no idea what you’re talking about” she said, crossing her arms and raising her head high in the air.

“You lie, Ellie, you lie…” Nicola said, taking another sip of her tea, “Now tell me…how do you really feel?”

“Okay, Dr. Phil…geeze” Ella said, smiling in spite of herself, “I just don’t know…I mean, things like this aren’t supposed to happen and whenever I say it out loud it feels like it’s not even real. I mean, Justin isn’t supposed to have feelings for me? He’s supposed to like bimbos who have IQ’s the size of my shoe. But, sometimes…sometimes, the way he looks at me…I just, I don’t know…”

Nicola smiled, “I just love what is happening” she clasped her hands together, “aren’t you excited? A new start, Ella!”

“You’re killing me here, Nic…it was just, like, a friendly thing…”

“What did he make you for breakfast?” Nicola asked, as if she had some hidden motive behind her inquiry, “Well?”

Ella sighed, “Chocolate chip pancakes”

“Yep, he’s a goner.”

“Nicola, I mean, putting aside all of these silly little feelings, lets look at this realistically-“

“Number ONE reason why I know that you have some sort of feeling for him – you just used the word realistic - you are trying to think realistically and that is proof enough that something is going on in that silly little heart of yours. You never think realistically…and you ARE” Nicola let out another loud yelp of a laugh, “You really like him…”

Ella lowered herself down into the chair and shook her head, “I’m not even going to win with you…so I’m just shutting up”

Nicola smiled, “That’s my girl…” She paused and let Ella have a moment of silence before humming the tune of a familiar song, “Justin and Ella sittin’ in a tree…”

Shooting up from the chair, Ella threw a pillow at Nicola and left the room with a smile on her face, “You’re crazy, Nic!”

“Yeah, we’ll see about that!” Nicola said in return.

Ella could just imagine that knowing little devil grin on her friends face and even though Nicola couldn’t see it, Ella stuck her tongue out in response. Feeling quite satisfied with her unseen comeback, Ella walked towards the refrigerator in their apartment and prepared herself for her fifth dose of chocolate for the day, “Justin Schmustin…” she said while taking a swig from a carton of chocolate milk, “Justin Schmustin Tushtin…” she let out a little giggle and continued drinking. Nicola was crazy. She and Justin? As if.

Yawning, Ella hollered into the next room, “Hey, I’m going to bed, Nic…”

“What, no Justin tonight?”

Without any warning whatsoever, Ella’s phone began to ring. Nicola burst into a fit of laughter while Ella mumbled under her breath, “You know Justin, you really have perfect timing…” Answering his own personal pick for a ring tone, Ella spoke into the phone, “Remind me to kill you the next time I see you…”

“I miss you too, sunshine” he said, “What are you doing?”

“Going to bed” she said plainly, “I’m so…tired” she stifled another yawn and exhaled loudly into the phone.

“You really should warn me before you do that” Justin complained, “I think I lost my hearing…”

“Sorry, I’m just so exhausted.”

“Why?”

“Um, one of us actually woke up today!” Ella argued, “I didn’t lie in the bed for hours upon hours, waiting for someone to go buy me groceries!”

“Oh that was dirty, girl that was dirty…” he said into the phone dejectedly.

“I’m sorry…” she was too sleepy to fight with him, “Are you going to let me go to bed?” she asked.

He contemplated for a moment, “Maybe…”

“I’ll do anything…I’ll dance in the rain, buy you a popsicle, go crabbing…” she continued with her long list of “I’ll do’s” until he interrupted her.

“Just tell me that we’ll hang out tomorrow. I have some time off, and I want to spend it with a friend.”

She smiled at his choice of words, “Now that I can do…although, tomorrow I’m going to Goldie’s for awhile. I can’t take it any longer” She could just see all the treasures that had come in since she had been gone. The pictures, the clothes, the trinkets; it was all waiting for her…she could feel it…smell it…ah…

“What’s Goldie’s?”

“Oh…just this little shop I know of…it might just be your thing” she said with a smile.

“Okay, well, if you say so…” He said, “Although I would love to see you tonight, I just, I guess I’ll have to wait…”

“Oh, don’t even do that pouting thing Justin, we both know it doesn’t work, and I’m sleepy…please, please?”

“Who’s pouting now, dearest?” Justin pointed out, noting the despair in her voice. When she let out a little whimper he sighed in defeat, “Fine…go to bed…I’ll just spend the rest of the night all alone…”

“Justin, go eat something…”

“Wow, Ella…I think I’m seeing your grumpy side” Another whimper was all it took for him to give in, “Fine…go to bed, go to bed…I’ll call you tomorrow, alright?”

“Goodnight, Justin…”

“Goodnight, Sunshine…”

Ella hung up the phone with a smile on her face. He was hooking her. She was still holding the phone in her hand when Nicola sauntered into the kitchen, “I told you so” she muttered.

“What?”

“I said, the milk’s cold” Nicola explained, Ella gave her a look and Nicola shrugged her shoulders, “What?”

Ella stared at her blankly before walking out of the kitchen, “I give up” she muttered, “I give up…”

--------------------------------------------------

“If you think I would wear this, then you are crazier than I ever thought you were” Justin said, looking distastefully at the polka dot shirt she had shoved in his face, “I mean, it’s horrible!”

Giving him a frustrated look, Ella shook her head, “You know…I really thought that you would enjoy this but you’re proving me wrong…”

“Hey, at least I agreed to try” he offered, “I like the hats”

“Why am I not surprised?” she asked, “If you can pull anything off, it’s definitely a hat”

“You think all I can pull off is a hat?” he questioned, obviously wounded, “Ella”

“Sorry…it’s just, if you spruced up your wardrobe a little…” she clicked her tongue, “I think you might get a little more action”

“Okay, just stop!” he yelped, “You are not helping the situation!”

She laughed, “I’m sorry, sometimes I just-”

“Ah, no, I don’t want to hear anything!” he told her, shielding his ears from her words. Ella opened her mouth to speak but he cut her off yet again, “Um, did I give you permission to talk yet?”

“Oh, come on!” she exclaimed.

“Nope, I don’t want to hear it…” he trailed off, “You have wounded me and I am wounded”

She laughed, “Thank you Dr. Redundancy for that announcement.”

He snarled his lip upwards, “You are such a brat…”

“That’s why you love me!” she declared, turning around to continue digging through a cardboard box, “Oooo…I really like this” she whispered to herself, taking a red dress out of the box and holding it up next to her. He watched her as discreetly as he could. Her dark hair was pulled up into a severely messy ponytail, the awkward bangs pinned up. She was wearing an oversized tee shirt and a tight vest. He smiled. At times she was so striking.

“I can see you” she said, looking up at him.

He shrugged, “I wasn’t trying to hide anything.”

She nodded her head, “Yes you were. If you wanted me to know you were watching me you would have sat down by me and just looked” she explained, “but you were doing the whole, ‘let me glance here and then there, and then here…you’re so obvious.”

“Well, I don’t care that you saw.” he answered.

Ella was surprised at his ease. He used to be nervous and jittery whenever she confronted him about things, but know he was so smooth and carefree about it. He had definitely been staring, only breaking his trance every so often. She was somewhat flattered and at the same time she was a little weirded out. She didn’t know if she could handle Justin in the romantic sense. He could easily make a girl fall head over heels for him. He was so charming, so arrogant, and so fun all at the same time. You would have to be stupid not to imagine yourself with him. Sure, she hadn’t let the thought run across her mind too many times, but it had definitely come up.

“Now who’s staring?” he asked.

She blushed and lowered her head, “I found this for you” Ella dodged the question, but she really had found him something, “I think you’ll like it.”

Justin walked towards her, “I like it” he said, taking the vintage tee shirt from her.

“Told you that you would find something” she said with a smile.

“Yeah, but what’s all that crap?” he asked, pointing towards a pile of clothes and what-nots on the floor.

“That is all my stuff” she looked at with pleasure and squealed, “Today was a good day!”

Goldie peered around the corner of the room and surveyed the two young people who were obviously smitten with each other. Of course they were both hiding it, but she had seen enough happy couples in her day to know whether two people had real chemistry or not. Those two had it from the tops of their heads to the bottoms of their feet. Whenever she knew that she wasn’t going to be interrupting anything, she came out from behind the corner in a flurry, “Are you kids hungry?” Goldie paused when she looked at Ella, “You don’t even have to answer, I know you’re hungry.” She turned towards Justin, “What about you?”

“He’s hungry too” Ella stated, overlapping the words that came out of Justin’s mouth.

“Excuse me? I think I can speak for myself” he said, “And yes Ms. Goldie, I could eat.”

She smiled, “I could tell. I’m going to the street to Marco’s, Ella; do you want your usual?” Goldie asked. When the girl nodded vigorously, Goldie looked at Justin, “It’s a really good little place. I get a grilled chicken sandwich. Ella gets this crazy concoction…”

“It’s not crazy! I get a peanut butter, jelly, and mayonnaise sandwich with a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a brownie. Oh! And a bag of chips.” Ella explained, as if her choice of lunch was a completely normal one.

Justin coughed, “Um, I’ll have what you’re having” he said to Goldie.

She nodded and grabbed her floor length velvet coat, “I’ll be back in a few minutes. You two don’t kill each other while I’m gone…” she realized that neither Justin nor Ella were listening to her for they were too busy arguing about Ella’s appetite. Goldie laughed, “Those kids are suckers...” she said to herself, dramatically wrapping a scarf around her neck as she strolled through the streets of New York City with ease.

“But I do like peanut butter and jelly, just not with mayonnaise on it!” Justin said to her, shaking her head as Ella reached towards her ringing phone. She answered it and he continued browsing through a rack of clothing, still shuddering at the thought of her sandwich. He hadn’t been listening to her conversation until she released a little squeak. He heard her gasp and immediately he turned around. Her eyes were wide and she was at least two shades paler than usual, “Ella?” he asked, walking towards her. The phone call had ended and she sat there, in a daze. He had positioned himself right in front of her, but still no recognition came from her, “Ella?”

Ella buried her head in her hands, “I’ve got to go” was all she said, wiping at the rims of her eyes as she tried to stand up. She was shocked when Justin pulled her arm and brought her softly back down to the ground. She hadn’t found the strength to look him the eyes yet. If she did, it would only be a matter of seconds before she broke down.

“I’m not letting you leave until you tell me what is wrong with you.” He whispered to her, “Look at me Ella” he prodded, “Just look at me…” when she lowered her head again, he picked up her chin and forced her to look him in the eyes, “Tell me…”

As soon as Ella allowed herself to look into his concerned blue eyes, the tears spilled down her cheeks without any warning. They were the kind of tears that didn’t stop, even when you urged them to. The kind of tears that didn’t star off slow and steady; they were the kind that flowed fast and hot down her face. It was only a few moments later when her stomach tightened and a sob escaped from her lips. “It’s all my fault…” she managed to say in between her gulps for air.

Her body involuntarily began rocking itself and Justin reacted the only way he knew how. He pulled her into his arms and stroked her hair. He was softly “Shhh’ing” her and rubbing her back, “Just cry, baby…” he whispered, “Just cry…”

And that’s exactly what she did. She cried and cried. Time went by without her knowing it. Goldie had walked in and had quietly passed them both, no questions asked. Her legs burned from not moving them, her eyes felt as if they couldn’t possibly release any more of their tears, and just when it felt as if she had cried her last one; they came barreling through. Justin still hadn’t said a word, he hadn’t moved, hadn’t stop humming softly to her, hadn’t stopped playing with her hair. He was simply holding her, giving her exactly what she needed. When she had gained her composure, she looked up at him; “I want to go home” was all she said.

“Okay” he whispered. He got up from the ground, trying to reveal the fact that his legs were numb. He gave her his hand and she took it. “Are you okay? Your legs okay?” She nodded her head and began walking numbly towards the door, “I’m going to tell Goldie that we’re leaving, okay? Stay here.” Ella nodded and he quickly headed towards the back of the store where Goldie sat, reading a magazine and eating her sandwich. “We’re leaving” he offered, noting how she didn’t seem concerned.

Goldie looked up at him, “That girl has been needing someone like you for a long time” was all she said, taking another bite. She smiled at his confusion, “I’ve known Ella for a long time now. I’ve also known that she’s been hiding something behind those sparkles in her eyes…you’re the one that she let in.” was all she said, flipping through a page.

Justin looked at her, “So you don’t know why?”

“I never asked because I knew she wouldn’t tell me. She’s been waiting for someone, she didn’t know it, but she’s been waiting…”

He looked at her and nodded, “Oh…” was all that he could think to say, “Thanks for the lunch. I’ll pay you back”. He grabbed the two boxes on the table and said a goodbye before rushing towards the front of the store. Ella was no longer there. Noticing her coat and bag, he picked them up and walked out the door. Glancing around outside, no one seemed too familiar. No cabs had pulled onto the road- he saw her. She was walking about a yard or so ahead of him, her pace slow, her feet seeming to barely move when she took another step. He felt a wave of relief wash over him and started off towards her. It didn’t take him long to catch up; she had stopped crying, but her face was still troubled. Not knowing what else to say, he draped the coat over her shoulders and began walking at her speed.

Silence draped over them, her not yet willing to tell him anything, and him not wanting to know until she was ready to tell him. It seemed to take forever for them to make it to her apartment; they had been passed by dozens of people who had cast annoyed looks at them for slowing them down. She obviously didn’t care. He hadn’t known that she lived so close to Goldie’s. Her apartment complex was incredibly swanky. He was somewhat surprised.

“Good afternoon, Miss Tennyson” an elderly doorkeeper said, “No smile for me today?”

Justin watched closely for her reaction. Slowly she turned toward the man and offered him the best smile she could muster up, “Paul” was all she said, her voice low and congested. They walked past him and were only a few feet away when Ella turned around, “And…it’s Ella” she gave him yet another smile and he tipped his hat to her.

‘That was a start…’ Justin thought to himself, following closely behind Ella as she led them to her home. He was curious to see where she lived, to see if her surroundings were as intriguing and weird as she was. He wished that the circumstances were different, but according to Goldie this was bound to happen sooner or later.

Ella opened the door and switched on the light. There was a note on the coat rack, “I’m with Clay. Love you! – Nic” it read. She left the note where it was and shrugged the coat off of her shoulders, letting it fall carelessly to the floor, “I’ll be back” she muttered, those being her first words to Justin since the telephone call.

He watched her walk towards what he could only guess was her bedroom. All he saw was walls of orange when she lit up the room. He had expected nothing less. Picking up her coat and leaving her bag by the front door, Justin welcomed himself into the apartment and got a closer look at things while Ella was in her room. She had shut the door and he only hoped that it wasn’t a sign for him to leave. He was just going to pretend that he didn’t notice.

The place was definitely cozy. He could tell that Nicola was the one who kept the place orderly. There were baskets in various parts of the room that said “Ella” on them. Nearly every one of them was over flowing with stuff. There were no “Nicola” baskets, he noted. The walls were painted a coral color; all the accents were equally loud and made statements of their own. The place was impressively big. He had only heard Ella speak of her family’s money a few times, but it was obvious that they were wealthier than she had let on.

There were pictures on nearly every table or shelf. One of them stuck out to him immediately. It was Ella with a guy…they were young. He was handsome and quite the opposite of her. While Ella donned her normal clothing, he wore a simple tee shirt and a pair of wire rimmed glasses, he was smiling and holding her closely to him; it was definitely not a family picture. She was looking at him, a huge smile on her face, clinging to his arm like he was her life raft or something. Justin couldn’t see her eyes, but it was easy to say that the sparks in them weren’t hiding anything at that time.

Justin’s thoughts were interrupted when Ella’s door opened. He hadn’t wanted her to catch him nosing around, but nonetheless, she had. She sat down on the couch and patted the place next to her. He took it as his invitation and he sat down and waited. Ella had taken control of herself, the only traces of tears being the puffy, red eyes that they had left in their memory. She had changed into a pair of flannel pajamas and had brought her pillow with her. Holding it in her lap, she picked at her fingernails and took a deep breath, “The phone call…” she started, “was from my dad.” Pausing to bite her lip, she continued, her eyes blinking ferociously, “He was calling to tell me that…” she took yet another deep breath and attempted to laugh, “You’re going to have to hang with me here…”

He smiled at her, “I’m with you”

“Okay. That’s good…” she whispered, “My dad was calling to tell me that…a friend, well, he used to be a friend…anyway, he um…he killed himself.”

She had said the words so quietly that he had to strain to hear them. When he comprehended what she had said he answered with an “I’m so sorry”. There didn’t seem to be anything else to say that would have helped.

“You don’t understand…”

Ella looked at him with those wide eyes of hers and he could see the tears that she was blinking back, it looked as if she was going to faint before she got the next couple of word out of her mouth. “What? What do I not understand?”

One tear escaped and she quickly wiped it away, “It’s my fault…”

“Oh Ella, baby…you can’t think that”

Her demeanor changed and she shook her head, “Yes, I can! It’s all my fault, Justin. I did it again…” she whispered, “I did it again.”

“Ella” he started.

“No, Justin…just, let me tell you…that picture you were looking at. It was of me and my fiancée.” She didn’t look up to see the expression on Justin’s face, “Yeah, I know…we were young, I’ve heard it before.” She continued, “We were so in love, Justin…so in love.” Her lip trembled as she spoke, “We had so many plans and so many dreams. I was different back then…” she choked up and gripped the fabric of the pillow tighter around her fingers, “I was stronger.” Justin started to say something but Ella held her hand up, “No…he was just, perfect.” Even through the pain, she couldn’t hide the smile on her face, “He was my everything…I mean, he didn’t have any faults and he just…loved me so much.” The smile disappeared and she gave in to the tears, “and I killed him.”

Justin didn’t try to say anything. What did she mean she killed him? Like, murdered him…on purpose? A million questions ran through his mind but he refused to ask any of them out loud. She was going to tell him whether he pressed her or not, so he just waited for her to regain her composure. He wondered how long she had held all that emotion inside of her, the struggle it was for her to get it all out affirmed his suspicions that she had never let herself break down yet.

“It was three years ago…and…I was driving…” she said, ‘We had been stargazing out in the country. We used to love to go…he had worked all day and was so tired…I offered to drive.” She inhaled and closed her eyes, as if putting herself back in the moment. “I’m not really a great night driver, especially if it’s quiet…but I told him I could do it. I was going to tell him to put on his seatbelt, because I’m a freak about that…but, he was already half asleep so I just let him be…” she whispered the last few words and no longer bothered to wipe the tears away. “I…I don’t know what happened…I guess I just, fell asleep…and the next thing I knew, I just…he was on the ground, and there was blood everywhere.” She shook her head, “I didn’t have to ask if he was dead because a part of my heart was no longer with me.” She swallowed, “After it happened, I just left …I had to get away. Our entire circle of friends hated me after that, his parents…especially Peter. I ran into him when my mom was in the hospital and he looked worse than ever.” Ella found the courage to glance up at Justin, “They were best friends…”

“Ella, you can’t blame yourself.” Justin offered, already knowing that she was going to brush the comment away.

“Justin, how can I not blame myself? I was driving! He died because of me…and so did Peter…”  

“Look, Ella…I know it feels that way…”

She laughed lifelessly, “You have no idea how it feels. Put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel if you were the one behind the wheel and the person closest to your heart died because you couldn’t keep your eyes open?” When he didn’t answer she just nodded, “I prayed every day that it would have been me instead. I wished that I would have gotten hurt right along with him, but I…Justin, I didn’t even walk away with a scratch. And now, Peter.” She lowered her head and kept on going. Apparently it was something she just had to get out. “They grew up together. He always had it out for me because Mark and I were inseparable after we started dating…he blamed me for stealing his best friend. You can just imagine what he said after I killed him.”

Ella turned towards Justin and searched for something in his eyes, as if he was going to have all the answers in the world, “Why did it have to happen to him?” she asked, her voice breaking, “Why did it have to be me?”

Justin closed the space in between them as he moved towards her and enveloped her in his arms for the second time that day. He had no idea that she had been carrying such a weight on her shoulders this entire time. She was walking through life, waiting for something that was going to send her to her knees. He couldn’t fathom how she had kept it in all these years. Maybe Goldie was right, maybe there was a reason that Ella had come into his life. Maybe he was the one who supposed to save her. He glanced down at her tired eyes, not fighting their urge to close. He kissed her softly on the temple and whispered words of reassurance, “I’m here for you, Sunshine…I’m here.”

Ella heard his voice in her ear and felt his lips on her skin, but the emotion that would usually go along with that was nowhere to be found. The burden of Mark’s death had been lifted a few inches off of her shoulders, allowing her to rest for a few minutes before the weight of Peter’s suicide fell like a ton of bricks on her body, enclosing her in yet another fight to move on with her life. The only thing she found peace in was sleep, and it didn’t take long before she shut out the world around her, her only solace in the fact that Justin was right by her side.