Chapter Six: When the Smile Doesn’t Work
“This bus makes me…bored” Ella stated, her facial expression dull as she peered out of the window, “when will we get there?”
“Stop whining…we’ll be there in a few hours”
“I get to see my parents, you know” Ella said with a smile, her expressionless face finally showing some form of happiness.
“Yes. I know…you’ve told me for the thousandth time” Nicola said, nibbling quietly on a granola bar as she sat alongside Ella, both of them facing the window, “I miss New Orleans…it’s a shame my parents moved to Maine”
“Why did your parents move to Maine, again?”
“It was spontaneity “ their mid life crisis at its utmost worst…” Nicola muttered, “Don’t get me wrong, Maine is absolutely lovely and I adore it every time I go, I just liked the fact that our roots were settled on the same soil, ay?”
Ella patted Nicola’s hand, “you can plant your flowers in my soil anytime, Nic…we have room in our garden”
Nicola giggled and lowered her head to rest on Ella’s shoulder, “Ella?”
“Mmm?”
“I’m going to tell you a secret…” Nicola whispered, blinking furiously as she fought back sudden tears.
“I love secrets” Ella said softly, keeping her napkins handy in case Nicola turned into an emotional wreck…it had happened on many accounts before, and she had come to learn that some form of a tissue was a required necessity.
“I think” she gulped and tightened her grip on Ella’s hand, “I think that I’m falling for Gavin”
Ella shrieked and pulled Nicola into a hug, “When did you come to this conclusion?” her voice was loud and excited, her once serious moment being taken away by the newest scandal.
“Shut UP” Nicola breathed, looking around the bus with wide eyes, “I don’t want every one to hear the details of my love life” Ella rolled her eyes and gestured for Nicola to tell more, “I don’t know what to do, Ellie…I didn’t want it to happen! And I didn’t know it was happening…but last night, at the hotel? He kissed me…and the whole time my head was screaming at me to stop, that it wasn’t right…but Ella, I couldn’t force my lips to quit moving…they took absolute control of me and it was all I could do to pull away from him”
“Wow”
“And Ella, this is NOT a good thing “ Clay is going to be waiting on me when we arrive in New Orleans and I’m not ready to see him. You know how horrible of a liar I am, and when I’ve done something as horrible as...cheating…can you imagine what its going to do to my peace of mind? I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it! I would have told you the minute it happened, but you were off somewhere paroozing with Justin on the rooftop!”
Ella rolled her eyes and cinched a smile, “we were so not paroozing…”
Nicola gave her a look, “please, Ella…”
Ella continued, “Do you regret it- kissing him?”
Nicola paused, and she looked as if she were thinking long and hard, but when she finally answered Ella had to strain to hear her reply over the muffled whimpers, “No”
“Just tell Clay its over” Ella said simply, crossing her arms and nodding her head for emphasis, “its not that hard…you’ve already had to reschedule, might as well just call the whole thing off”
“I cant just CALL it off, Ellie…there are so many OTHER things to worry about…so many…details and my parents, and his parents…what will people think?”
“That’s where you fall into trouble, Nic…you worry too much about what other people think of you and your life…learn to go with your heart…stop worrying about yesterday, or tomorrow…live for the moment…”
Nicola looked Ella square in her eyes and sighed, “Ella “ that’s easy for you to say…ever since…the incident…you’ve been little miss happy go lucky. You don’t let anyone SEE that you hurt! You don’t key others in to your emotions, so why should I have to?” The minute that Ella’s eyes glazed over, Nicola regretted her words and immediately spit out an apology, “Look…I’m sorry…I got caught up ““
“Don’t worry about it” Ella waved a hand and plastered on a smile, “I know…I…I know”
Nicola frowned, “I’m sorry” Ella stuck her hand out and Nicola sighed, knowing that she was crossing boundaries that weren’t ready to be crossed, “don’t you ever want to talk about what happened?” Ella shook her head, determined and stubborn, her eyes fixated on things outside the window, “Listen…Ellie…if you just talk about-“
“STOP, Nic. Just…stop…okay?” A single tear fell down her cheek and Ella swiftly wiped it away with the back of her hand. Nicola nodded and got up from the small booth that they had been clamored in. Ella watched her friend make a pot of coffee and let out a deep sigh. She didn’t want to talk about it. She never wanted to talk about it…ever. Why couldn’t people just…leave it alone? She was fine! She was happier than she had ever been before…nothing could bring her down. She wiped away another tear and put a smile on her face…nothing.
----------------------------------------------------
“Clay!” Nicola squeaked, her arms enveloping her fiancé as he walked stiffly to meet her inside of a ritzy hotel in New Orleans. Ella immediately noticed the way that Nicola’s voice wasn’t nearly as excited as she was aiming for it to be. It had turned into an overly exaggerated attempt at a normal welcome. It hadn’t worked well at all…poor girl. Clay however, was completely oblivious.
Ella turned her attention back on the “happy couple”; Clay hugged Nicola in a non affectionate way and looked her up and down, commenting on how nicely her dress fit her. Ella rolled her eyes; Clay looked as if he had stepped out of a Lands End magazine. Pressed kakis, pleated, of course…a plaid oxford, the Ralph Lauren emblem shining brightly on his chest pocket. He looked like a forty year old. Gavin caught her attention and she compared the two. Gavin’s hair was slicked back as usual, it had never been controversial, but compared to Clay’s nearly shorn head, Gavin looked dangerously rebellious. Track pants and a gray tee shirt fit him in all the right places and Ella nodded her appreciation for his toned arms and muscular build. He definitely had that careless approach to fashion…but with a body like his…who actually cared?
Then Justin came inside, and Ella had to smile “ his fashion sense changed with the wind, today was a preppy day - probably to match his girlfriend’s attire. The denim skirt she wore fell slightly above her calves, and since her legs were short and stumpy, it wasn’t as flattering as she might think. Ella fought the urge to inform her that simple jeans would have been much more suitable with the stilettos she was wearing. But Justin didn’t seem to mind, though he had looked surprised to see her, he was happily taking her in. She was clinging to him, her ‘deer in headlights’ look causing Ella to feel a sense of compassion. Being the trophy on Justin Timberlake’s arm couldn’t be an easy role to fill.
Ella rolled her eyes humorously and sat down on a plastic chair, it looked as if the “hello’s and how are you’s?” were going to take awhile. Her parents would be picking her up, but she had been informed moments earlier that they were stuck in traffic - just great. She had been sucked into a sour mood ever since the conversation with Nicola earlier that morning, and unfortunately the day’s events so far…weren’t making things much better. She knew that the issue would probably come up again, seeing that she was back home. It always came up when she was home. And she had never talked about it…ever. Her parents would sit there and try to badger her incessantly with their “I understand’s” and “we feel you’re pain, Ella’s”…but…she couldn’t force the words out of her throat. So she laughed them off, like she was always accused of doing…and kept on living life. Ella had sensed certain hostility between her and her parents ever since she moved to New York. They still had their close relationships…but something was off. Her dad once told her that she was running away from her past, that she was trying to escape what happened…and truth be told “ maybe she was. But she would do it all over again if it meant saving herself from the demons that lay to rest-
“Ella?”
Ella brought her eyes up to a pair of familiar greens, “Hey Cole” she smiled and patted the seat next to her, “are you tired of watching all the PDA’s yet?” she said with a laugh. It looked like a reunion with the family members and girlfriends that were overcrowding the small ballroom they were meeting in.
“Just a little bit…I notice you have no one hovering over you though?”
She smiled; it was one of those inquisitive questions that was supposed to sound nonchalant but ended up coming off…curious. She was charmed by the fact, “Nope “ no boyfriend or special someone here”
Cole grinned, “I can’t seem to say that I’m disappointed”
Ella felt her cheeks warm up and she smiled at him, “Uh-huh…”
“You didn’t ask me I have had a girlfriend?”
“Was I supposed to?” she retorted with a gleam in her eyes.
Cole shrugged, “I thought you looked sort of curious”
“Maybe I was planning on asking if you had a boyfriend?” He stepped back in mock horror and Ella felt her lips twitch into a smile - so much for playing the role of the ‘bitchy hard to get girl’.
“What a blow, Ella…what a blow” he said, “So…” his hands were stuck into his pockets and he glanced around the room, “are you also going to be stolen away by family members and friends?”
“Friends “ no…family members “ yes…But I’m not complaining, I haven’t seen my mom and dad in months…I miss them”
“Yeah…I know what you mean, when you’re on the road it’s even worse too…because you don’t even have the comfort of your own home to go to” she nodded and Cole noticed the way that her persona was slightly downcast. He had never seen her where she wasn’t bubbling over with energy. Not that she was acting depressed or unhappy by any means…she was just…a toned down version of herself. Apparently Justin had noticed too, because even with his drop dead gorgeous girlfriend hanging on his arm, he had found the time to stare at Ella with this curious, “what’s your problem?” look. Cole looked over to where she was sitting, “you okay?”
Ella looked at him and smiled that cheesy, lips flat against your teeth kind of smile and nodded, “I’m perfectly happy. Just antsy about my parents coming is all…you know, kind of like that feeling you get when you give someone a present…nervous about seeing their faces when they open it, because your not positive if their going to like what they see…and you don’t feel better until you see that huge grin on their face signifying that they absolutely adore what you brought them…that’s how I feel”
Cole pondered her words for a moment and then nodded, “that’s a brilliant analogy”
“I know! I should write it down “ it was totally off the cuff too”
Cole’s eyebrows rose in surprise, “Wow “ I’m impressed”
Ella smiled, “You should be”
He looked her over once again and wondered if he should ask another one of those questions that are supposed to sound normal, but end up sounding like a pathetic way of getting information. She hadn’t been too affected the first time he did, so he decided to ask it again, with a clearing of his throat, he began, “So…will you be at any of the shows?”
Ella frowned, you know…I hadn’t really thought about it much…it depends on my parents. If they want to see Nicola outshine Justin Timberlake…then yes…we’ll be here”
Cole hadn’t noticed Justin approaching them, but when his arrogant voice spoke out, he fought the urge to walk away, “Ella, shouldn’t you have learned by now that it’s impossible to outshine me”
Scoffing, Ella shook her head, “cough-you’re a cocky bastard-cough”
“So violent, Ella…so violent” Justin smiled and then looked at Maddie whose body was tense and crushed next to his, “you remember my girlfriend?” he gave himself points for not stuttering, or pausing when introducing Maddie again. He didn’t know how she would react due to the pizza incident that had happened…awhile ago. She hadn’t ever brought Ella up again, and truth be told, neither had he.
“Of course I do! Nice to see you again, Maddie” Ella said, extending her hand towards the girl who looked hesitant in deciding whether or not Ella was someone she could make amends with. Finally, she creeped out her fingers and let them connect with Ella’s. She mumbled a quiet greeting and Ella smiled, “How long will you be here?”
“I’m leaving early Sunday morning”
“Sorry to hear that” Ella said.
Justin tightened his grip on Maddie’s waist and nuzzled his face into her hair, “So am I” he said, meeting Ella’s gaze with his eyes.
Ella shook her head and turned away from the couple’s intimate moment. It was like Justin was doing all the right things with his girlfriend, hugging, cuddling…but he still couldn’t manage to tear his eyes away from Ella. She never had the intent of drawing him to her, he just always…showed up. Sometimes it was if he was purposely trying to make one of them jealous. And whenever Ella caught a glance of Maddie’s scrunched up facial features, she knew exactly which girl was falling hard for his games.
“Well guys…” Cole said with an awkward grin, “I guess I’ll see you all later. I need to find my room” he looked at Ella for a moment longer before speaking, “see you soon?”
Ella smiled, “maybe”
He put a hand to his heart and staggered away, “harsh”
Ella giggled and watched him retreat from the somewhat uncomfortable group, “Crazy” she spoke out loud, not to anyone in particular. When she was met with silence, she looked to Justin, whose eyebrow was raised up in question, and to Maddie who looked absolutely miserable. Once again, Ella found her compassion directed towards Maddie and she decided to leave the two alone, “I guess I’ll see you two later! I’m going to go outside and wait for my parents to come get me”
Justin nodded, “yeah…yeah” he was in a daze, and Maddie was tugging relentlessly on his arm, whispering things in his ear.
“Bye” Ella waved and picked up her stuff, struggling with her oversized purse and humongous duffle bag. She attempted to heave it over her shoulder, but before a groan could escape her mouth, Justin had taken the bag from behind her and had effortlessly begun packing the bag towards the door. Maddie had been left sitting uncomfortably on the bench, and Justin had been joined by two bodyguards who were both telling him that they would get the bag. He tried talking them out of it, but when their grim faces and folded arms told him no, he shrugged and gave one of them the bag. Ella laughed and approached him slowly, “Thanks for attempting to help”
“I could have carried it much farther, but even I’m not confident enough to take on those two gorillas” Justin said, fixated on Ella’s melancholy grin. Silence floated above them before Justin lowered his voice and forced Ella to look into his eyes. She tried to lock her gaze on the burly man behind him, but Justin took her chin in his hand and made her look at him, “are you okay?”
Ella shook her head out of his grip and laughed, “of course I’m okay…what’s your problem?” she gave him a look and continued to squeeze out laughs, “I’m fine”
“You don’t have to tell me, but don’t lie to me “ what’s all that trash you talk about honesty?”
She was shocked; he had actually been influenced by her words? Quite interesting. “Fine, Justin…you win…and your right “ look…I’m just having a bad day…every one is allowed to have them aren’t they? Even happy go lucky little girls like me?” he began to speak, but she stopped him, “even a princess had trouble sleeping one night…so just…don’t worry about it…its only a pea under my mattress…things will be better in the morning”
“Promise?”
“Promise”
“Okay” Justin said, “I’ll see you later, Ella…”
“Bye…I actually think I see my parents out there “ looking all dazed and confused” she said with a grin, her gestures going out to the window, “see you either after a show, or when we load up on Monday”
“Alright…” he gave a quick wave and began walking back towards Maddie who had her eyes closed, as if she was trying to escape the scenario around her. Ella felt sorry for the girl…for such a sweet guy; Justin was somehow so clueless as to how his girlfriend seemed to be feeling.
“ELLA!”
Ella’s attention turned to a frazzled middle aged woman, her brunette hair, sprinkled with strands of gray was sticking up in several different directions due to the fierceness of the wind. The peasant skirt she wore was up around her knees and being relentlessly tugged down by a pair of shaky hands, “I don’t know why it’s so windy, this sure isn’t Chicago” a frustrated groan went out into the air and Mary threw up her hands in disgust.
Ella smiled and drew her mother into a hug, “I missed you, mommy”
“I missed you too, darling” she kissed Ella’s temple and ended their hug with a squeeze, “your father couldn’t get off. He tried so hard, but he has a very pricey home that he’s been trying to get off the market for months and someone finally showed a great deal of interest…”
Ella laughed as her mother rambled off into the unknown and she shook her head at how much she resembled the woman both physically and mentally, “its alright…I’ll see him before I leave I’m sure”
“You definitely will “ he should be home before us…the traffic is horrible. Oh, but darling! I made a delicious meal…spinach and artichoke enchiladas. They only have to be warmed up when we get to the house”
Fighting the urge to gag, Ella nodded, “yum”
“Now, honey…I know you think that chocolate is a food group, but I’m bound and determined to get you eating healthy. Even your father has converted over to my healthy ways!”
“Well, Nicola and Clay are here. I’m sure they’ll love your choice of food. I on the other hand, am much more interested in dessert! We are having dessert aren’t we?”
Mary sighed, “Sugar free pudding”
This time Ella did gag, and when she finally got over her spurt of coughing, she shook her head, “Well “ I am definitely glad I brought my stash along! Should have known I wouldn’t be able to eat REAL food while I was here”
Shoving her daughter playfully, Mary once again swept the girl into her arms and breathed in her scent, “I’m glad your home safe”
Ella nodded, “me too”. She hadn’t missed the word “safe” that had been placed ever so strategically into the sentence. Every time she came back to New Orleans, it was like her parents were scared to death that something was going to go wrong. Like there was a curse planted on Ella’s life every time she entered the cities boundaries. Sweeping away a strand of hair that had left her unruly ponytail; Ella straightened out her posture and picked up her bag, this time by herself, and nodded towards their family car, “ready?”
“Yes” Mary said, trailing behind Ella who was already halfway to the vehicle, impatiently tapping her foot while Mary fumbled with the keys, “you seem antsy today”
“I’m just ready to plop down on a coach and read poetry” Ella said, checking her reflection in the outside mirror. She really did look sad, or unhappy, or displeased…something. So she tried the ever faithful smile. She tried it twice…four times…and nothing brought the happiness from where it was hiding inside of her. With every attempted smile, another layer of disappointment clouded her vision until she finally turned away from the mirror and stepped into the now unlocked car. Throwing her bags into the backseat, she buckled her seatbelt and checked it once again to make sure that every thing was in proper place. Closing her eyes, she let a heavy sigh flow out of her, and shook herself of the depressing mood. With a smile, genuine or not, she faced her mother, “So…what did you really make for dessert?”
Mary laughed and all of tension flew out of the car, “it’s a secret”
“I knew you were joshing!” Ella said happily, “I knew it! There was no way in creation that you were going to let your chocolate loving daughter go to bed with sugar free pudding in her stomach! You sneak!”
“Cant fool you, can I?”
“Nobody can fool me…” Ella said confidently, “Oh man “ now I’m just so excited! I mean, I was excited before, but then you threw the spinach and artichoke in…then the pudding…but now! I bet you I have a huge amount of chocolate decadence waiting on me as soon as I enter those beloved doors!”
Mary shook her head, “Oh Ella…I couldn’t deny you being mine if our lives depended on it”
Ella smiled, “Why would you want to?”
“Oh believe me…I wouldn’t”
With the two of them at ease, Ella nestled comfortably into the back of her chair and Mary stole quiet glances at her every now and then. Her daughter looked tired and anxious, her usually bright eyes being held under the weight of a certain mystique that she always found when she came back home. It would take Ella a few hours to truly get back to normal, and then things would be fine for the remainder of the weekend. If only she could keep Dylan from bringing the subject up, then maybe they could enjoy a few peaceful days together…
----------------------------------------------------
“Absolutely delicious” Ella licked her lips and placed a smooth fork on to the wooden table. It had no remainders of the chocolate cake that Mary had made, and alongside it sat a plate that had been scraped clean; the set looked as if they had just been washed. And they had - in a certain manner of speaking. Ella was now sitting farther away from the table, her stomach seemingly inches wider than it had been when she had first begun eating. Nearly a third of the cake was gone and she moaned appreciatively as Mary looked on her with surprise, “so good, Mom…so good”
“I had forgotten what kind of appetite you have” Dylan, Ella’s father, said. His salt and pepper hair was cut short and smoothed down. His attire from work was still properly on him, the tie only loosened a little bit and his shoes freshly taken off of his feet. He was an intimidating, yet homely man - someone that every one seemed to automatically respect. Ella definitely respected him. He was the person in her life that she could go to under any and all circumstances, and he would give her a straight answer…not sugarcoated or superficial. He was real, but when he delivered his harsh words, she never seemed to take offense. It was like he made her feel too strong, too strong to be influenced by criticism or down speaking. He would always build someone up before and after he criticized them. Ella found that very commendable.
“Yum” she finally said, after moments of studying how widely her waist size had grown, “that was the best cake I’ve ever put into my mouth”
“That’s a compliment…every one at this table knows how much you put into that mouth of yours” Dylan said with a wink.
“Ha “ ha” Ella annunciated, rolling her eyes and letting yet another groan escape her mouth, “Now I am stuffed…but in a good way…but also in a bad way “ its good because you know you’ve just had the best meal ever...but its bad because you feel so incredibly big that you know every one will be astonished at the fact that your tummy is now hanging over the waistband of your pants…”
Dylan nodded and patted his own stomach, “I know what you mean…I however, stuck to having one sliver of cake while you on the other hand…barely left enough for us to have leftovers”
Ella smiled, “now you guys won’t be as tempted!”
“We wont have time to “ it’ll be gone before the morning” Mary finally said after she surveyed Dylan and Ella’s interaction, “I feel like I raised a boy instead of a girl around here “ I thought girls were dainty little things who worried about every calorie they put in their mouth”
Ella laughed, “Not this girl!”
“You always were a different child…you would rather sit inside and read poetry in the daytime, and at dusk you wanted to flitter around and climb trees and make mud pies…the exact opposite of all you’re peers…I don’t think they read poetry…”
Interrupting, Ella stuck out her hand, “No “ you have it wrong, see…I wrote poetry…I didn’t read it very much…but I loved to write it…outside in the hammock, I would listen to all the other kids play and that would be my inspiration “ and when they went inside, so would my inspiration “ and THEN I would play” her parents both nodded in understanding and Ella smiled, “get it?”
They echoed their replies and Dylan looked at Ella with a smoldering stare…she was hiding so much. She had never released her pain from…everything. It was all he could do not to rip it out of her. To be such a vibrant soul, he was shocked at the ways that she could cover up her hurt. The new friends she made wouldn’t acknowledge that anything was wrong because she would never show it. Nicola knew Ella as good as anybody, and even she said that Ella was blocking out the world with her flowers and sunshine. It wasn’t that he or anybody else wanted Ella to be depressed or unhappy…they just wanted her to release herself from it all. If she could be so carefree and nonchalant, plus carry the weight of the world on her shoulders “ just imagine how she would feel if that burden was lifted?
Ella sensed her father’s stare and she abruptly stood up from the table and smiled at her parents, “I think I’m going to take a bath in that famous hot tub of ours “ will you two be awake when I get out?”
Mary shrugged; “I’m pretty tired “ but I’ll be in there to tuck you in” she looked towards her husband and saw the hurt of Ella’s rejection showing on his face. She shook her head and began clearing plates from the table while Ella retreated to take a bath.
“Why does she do that?” Dylan asked once he had heard the bathroom door shut.
“Don’t rush her, Dylan”
Dylan swallowed and folded his arms, “It’s been three years, Mary”
Mary sat down beside her husband, unfolded his arms and took his hands in hers, “She’ll break one day, Dylan…I don’t know for whom it will be, or where…or when…but one day, she will buckle under the weight “ don’t push her to that point before she’s ready to get there. It’s not our place to decide when she will heal…we just have to be there for her when the dam finally breaks”
Dylan let out a shaky sigh and nodded, “In my heart, I know that…but my head is telling me to scream at her, to force it out of her, you know? I just hate seeing her trying to mask every thing up all the time…why does she…I just…I don’t understand”
“We live with what happened once or twice a week, sometimes even less than that...but Dylan, she lives with it every single morning and every single night. I don’t know how many times a day the scenario runs through her head, and I don’t want to know how many times it does…but she experienced what happened on a much deeper level than we did…she loved-“ Mary’s words were cut off by the swift opening of a door, and when she diverted her gaze down the hall, Mary saw Ella standing there with a tightly closed bathrobe and dripping wet hair. She couldn’t tell if the water running down her cheeks was caused by tears or the bathtub, but nonetheless she could see the hurt in her eyes.
“It ceases to amaze me that after all these years, you two still think that I cant hear you if I’m in the bathroom “ but I can…and I just came out here…I came out here to tell you…to tell you to stop. I just want to take a bath in peace and quiet…and I don’t want to think about it “ I want to think about rainbows and palm trees…so please…just…stop” Ella finished her words in a choked whisper, and when she saw the look of recognition and regret on both of her parents faces, she stepped back inside the bathroom and shut the door tightly behind her before letting out a slow and soft cry. They just couldn’t let it go. She expected them to bring it up, so she had braced herself for it “ but she at least thought they could wait a day so she could ease into things before being made to stroll down memory lane.
Breathing in deeply, Ella shook herself of the emotion and slithered out of her robe before climbing back into the tub. Some of the tension left her shoulders as soon as she submerged into the hot water. With a sigh and a closing of her eyes, she smiled “ just about this time; Justin would be making his way off of the stage, sweating and absolutely nasty “ but so incredibly happy. His eyes would be droopy and tired, but they would shine with joy and amazement. He would smile at the people waiting on him hand and foot, and he would laugh at the compliments and the hollers of congratulations. It happened after every show, they acted as if it were his first “ encouraging and pushing him until he ran out of the natural high that concerts gave him. And then he would return to his normal, cocky and arrogant self…but that boyish charm would stick with him until the following morning. That’s when she liked him the most…
Blinking, Ella shrugged off thoughts of Justin and noticed how lukewarm the water had gotten. Looking at the wrinkled appearance of her fingers and toes, she smiled, and once again climbed out of the tub. Ever since she was a little girl, she had refused to get out of the bathtub until she was all shriveled up. She thought that it signified you were clean, and if she wasn’t wrinkled “ it simply meant that she hadn’t stayed in the tub long enough and was still dirty! The theory was a logical one and she still held it as a sacred truth at twenty one years of age.
The night went on without any further events, and Ella now found herself nestled under an array of sheets and blankets. Her mother, always true to her word, had tucked Ella in and apologized for her and her husband’s behavior. Ella accepted and the two exchanged kisses before turning out the lights and retreating to their beds. Ella knew that her parents were concerned…that they were worried and somewhat exasperated…but they couldn’t force her to let go of things that she was still gripping with all of her might. It just wasn’t that easy. Shaking off her thoughts, Ella gave in to the sleep that was tugging at her eyelids and put all of her troubles aside. There was always tomorrow to think about things…but tonight, all she wanted was a restful sleep…empty of nightmares and recurrences…all she wanted was…peace of mind…and of heart.
----------------------------------------------------
Throngs of people surrounded the figures of two women as they fought their way towards the front of an overflowing concert arena. Ella had successfully persuaded her mother to accompany her to one of Justin’s shows and it was quite interesting to see her mother’s reaction to the hysteria, “all these people came to see that boy?” Mary asked, pointing to a picture of Justin that a teenage girl had pasted on to her poster.
Ella nodded, “believe it or not “ yes. I would like to say that the opening acts got a lot of attention...but every one is really here for Justin”
“And you are friends with him?” Mary asked, once again studying the picture. Ella fought the urge to blush as her mother stared. It was a picture of a shirtless Justin, his perfectly cut body blown up and exaggerated on the poster board. She looked somewhat unimpressed…but, since she was a sculptor, she rarely considered a picture of an athletic boy to be taken as a true art form. Ella quickly decided that she could find about three thousand girls to disagree.
“I wouldn’t really call us great friends…but we talk”
Mary nodded, “I’m sure he’s nice when you get to know him. But judging solely by that photo, he looks stuck on himself”
“We all have our faults” Ella said simply, knowing that Mary was going to pick apart Justin’s personality.
“You seem to enjoy defending him” Mary said with a smile, her eyebrow raised inquisitively, “Anything you want to tell your dear old mother?”
Ella snarled her nose and shuddered, “no way…firstly “ he’s not my type…not that I have a type, but…he’s not a prospect…and secondly, he happens to have a girlfriend, who happens to be on this trip…so, keep you’re thoughts to yourself”
Mary elbowed Ella playfully, “did I strike a nerve?”
Ella rolled her eyes and pointed to their seats, “sit down…its going to be a long night”
Laughing, Mary obeyed her daughter’s demands and fell to rest in the cushioned chair, “will I get to meet this young man?”
“Do you want to?”
“Of course, any person that my daughter spends a suggestive amount of time with “ I would like to meet” Mary stated, “I may not be around all the time, but I still like to approve of your peers”
Ella smiled. In so many ways, Mary was eccentric and unique, and most people automatically assumed that she was one of those mothers who let their child run around like a circus animal and expected Mother Nature to discipline them…but she wasn’t. With all of that quirkiness running through her veins, she still knew how to correctly raise someone, and her family values had never been compromised by other people’s notions about her. That happened to be yet another attribute that Ella hoped she could grow into as time went by.
The lights went down and the ear piercing shrieks echoed through the arena. Ella had to fight the giggles at her mother, who was looking around bewilderedly, “they are this crazy at every show?” she asked loudly, trying to make her voice known over the music that had begun pouring from the speakers.
“YES” Ella screamed, laughing out into the air.
Mary scrunched up her nose and let a smirk cross her face, “Oh honey…how do you do it?” she asked with playful teasing, “This girls “ and women “ are crazy!”
“Just wait till you see Justin” Ella said with a knowing look in her eyes, “you ain’t seen nothing yet!”
----------------------------------------------------
Ella peered out of the corner of her eye to look at Mary, who hadn’t said anything since the beginning of the concert. With a soft nudging of her elbow, Ella whispered, “what did you think?”
Mary shook her head ferociously, “Never in my life “ will I go to another concert…I don’t care if it’s the symphony, I have been…wounded”
Ella let out a burst of booming laughter and grabbed her sides with her fingers, “Horrible, isn’t it?”
“Its not that the boy is bad, it’s just that he has to screech because of all those girls yelling at him, and throwing things at him. I think I would throw my microphone!”
“I bet he wants to sometimes” Ella said knowingly, having seen Justin when he was exasperated with fans.
“Well “ there’s no want in it for me “ if I would have had a microphone, I would have thrown it!”
Ella smiled and slipped her pass around her neck, “Nicola wears earplugs”
“Now I see why” Mary said, “she really is talented and I can tell she’s having fun up there, she can be looser with her dancing, not so prim and proper…”
Ella nodded, “I think that’s why she signed on for it “ it gives her something to do to keep her mind off things”
They continued their journey through the somewhat empty corridors, most everyone was gathering around the backstage area, where they could pat Justin on the back and give him their words of congratulations before he showered. Ella hadn’t been to the arena before, but it was laid out like most and it didn’t take her too long to figure out where the crowd was at. Before they approached the guarded set of doors, Ella could hear the laughter and yells, the constant chattering and happy people. She didn’t realize how comforting it was until she missed a show. Showing her pass to the unfamiliar guards, they opened the door for she and her mother and the two walked into the energetic room.
Justin spotted her immediately; it was like some unknown being was telling him that she entered the room. With a single gaze around the area, he saw her come in with her mother, the woman whom had picked her up at the hotel. He headed over to where they were standing and smiled politely at the both of them, “how are you two doing?”
Ella reacted first, smiling and nodding, “I’m doing great…I think my mom is still recovering from your performance though “ before I forget, Mom “ this is Justin. Justin, this is Mary, my mother”
Justin laughed, “Nice to meet you, Mary - did you enjoy the show?”
Mary swallowed, being put on the spot and finally told the truth after a moments contemplation, “actually “ I didn’t” Justin’s face fell and Mary tried to cover up her bluntness, “nothing against you “ but the screams of the girls around you was what did it in for me”
He coughed and shook his head, “Well “ I definitely see where Ella gets her honesty from!”
“It’s the best policy” Mary smiled, taking Ella’s hand in hers.
“So I’ve been told “ many times” Justin said, sticking his neck out towards Ella.
“Hey, now “ I just try to make you a better person; don’t try to be the victim!” Ella spat, a smile forming without her consent.
Justin threw his head back, “Please! You just like correcting me!”
“It is rather fun “ but that’s not it entirely “ I’ve corrected other people before you walked along, Justin”
“But you correct me countless times “ I think you ENJOY it, its some…perverted pleasure for you or something…I mean, you could just take me for who I am instead of trying to change me!” Justin threw a dramatic air in his voice and he swept a hand over his forehead while waiting for Ella to reply.
“I don’t attempt to change you…I just point out where your shoes could be polished “ I’m not trying to buy you new ones!”
The two continued their bickering and Mary watched on in some form of confusion and knowingness. Ella’s smile hadn’t left her face since she walked into that room, and neither had Justin’s. As they argued, the sparks in Ella’s eyes lit up and Mary could sense that this was a routine for her daughter. While she traveled deeper in to thought, she hadn’t noticed Nicola walk up beside her and it only took a second after a pair of arms wrapped around her that she knew whom it was hugging her, “Nicola Bridges” she said softly, her own arms going around the petite blonde now standing in front of her.
“Hey, mommy” Nicola said, taking on Ella’s favored name for her mother. It had been a known fact that Mary was considered “mommy” to Nicola, while her own mother was simply called “mum”. It had never been confusing, it had always just…been.
“How are you?” Mary asked, once they were looking at each other face to face.
“Wonderful, Clay’s here…so I’m happy” Nicola said with a wavering smile, her eyes diverting to where Clay was sitting “ his posture stiff and his face reading profuse boredom.
Mary raised an eyebrow, “I’ll ask you more about that at a later date”
Nicola nodded, “wise decision “ ah! I see that you’ve stumbled upon the bickerers!”
Nodding, Mary said, “interesting?”
Nicola mouthed a yes and smiled, “she won’t talk about it”
“She won’t talk about a lot of things” Mary said, their conversation having gotten lower while Ella and Justin’s had reached new volumes.
“Still hasn’t said anything to you or pop?” Nicola asked, her facial features showing their concern by her thinly pursed lips and wrinkled forehead.
Mary sighed, “Dylan and I talked last night and she heard us…I think she was crying, but couldn’t tell for sure…I just, I try to be strong about it because I know that Dylan would have her hide if I let him…but…I know that sometime, she’ll break…she will…I wanted it to be while she was here “ but she’s leaving in the morning and I…I…”
Nicola noticed the wavering of doubt in Mary’s voice and swallowed, “She will, Mary. She will. I have to do better about giving her time, because I’m growing impatient with her as well “ but its not our place…its not our pain, you know?”
Mary nodded her agreement and shushed their conversation when Ella and Justin walked back over towards them, the two of them laughing hysterically as they approached, “Mom!” Ella breathed, still giggling as she spoke, “Tell Justin that I sprinkled wishing dust in my room and tried to fly off of my furniture!”
“She watched Peter Pan one too many times when she was little” Mary said regretfully, “we finally had to take it away from her “ she got this ridiculous theory that the higher you jumped, the more likely you would be to fly…so when we caught her on the balcony…it was over”
Justin’s laughs turned solemn, “you were on the balcony?”
Ella nodded, “TOLD YOU!”
Justin shook his head, “You were strange!”
“I was dreaming of Never Never land! Where you never have to grow up and deal with…stuff “ you can just live off of wishing dust and secret dreams for forever. I was magic, Justin…you’re just jealous because the best story you have was when you took the heads off of your G.I Joes and put them on Barbie dolls bodies! I don’t even want to know WHY you had Barbie dolls!”
Justin’s face turned a soft shade of pink as he stuttered his reply, “It was my co-“
“Ah, nope! You had Barbie’s “ just face it, Justin…you had…Barbie’s” she smiled a toothy smile and lowered her voice, “Barbie’s”
Mary interrupted their conversation with a lighthearted laugh, “Ella “ I hate to rush you…”
Ella nodded, “I know, I know! We have to get home “ daddy is expecting us, right?”
“Yes” Mary said, “Justin “ it was so nice meeting you. Continue keeping my daughter in line”
Justin looked at her quizzically before laughing, “Okay…”
“Bye, Justin” Ella whispered with a smile, “or should I call you…Ken?” she erupted into a fit of giggles as Justin rolled his eyes and stomped away from her.
Mary came in-between Nicola and Ella and grabbed them by their waists, “Come along, little girls “ walk me to the door”
Nicola smiled, “When can I see you again, mommy?”
“When you’re in New Orleans again “ God knows I’m not coming to another of these shows”
Ella laughed, “Mom “ it wasn’t that bad…was it?”
Nicola elbowed Ella, “don’t you remember the first show you saw? You LEFT and went to eat chocolate in the snack room!”
Ella widened her eyes, “I was hungry”
“Bad excuse” Mary pitched in, “you’re always hungry”
“But I was REALLY-“
“Shut up, Ellie “ there is nothing wrong with admitting that since you know Justin better, you enjoy watching him sparkle onstage” Nicola said with a smile, “I enjoy watching him!”
“I just…I…okay! I enjoy watching him on stage “ but it’s only because-“
“Don’t defend yourself. Just let it be” Nicola said, shushing her best friend as they walked towards the glass doors. Ella whimpered and Nicola swatted the back of her hand, “Well “ I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, Ella…Mommy “ I don’t know if I’ll see you or not”
Mary smiled, “probably not “ I have to prepare for a show in the morning, so I’m dropping Ella off and leaving immediately”
Nicola nodded, “I figured as much “ you’re a busy woman, what else could I expect?”
“Still haven’t lost that accent have you, darling?” Mary stressed her words and tried to imitate Nicola’s thick English wording, but failed miserably.
Ella laughed, “Mom “ DON’T…you used to do it when she was little…and it was funny…but you keep on getting worse and worse!”
Mary tugged on Ella’s unruly bangs and sighed, “You aren’t too good at it yourself if I remember correctly”
Ella sputtered and finally shrunk her shoulders inward, “I’m not…but “ you could at least let me THINK that I’m good at it”
Nicola shushed the both of them, “I need to say farewell…Clay is paging me” she rolled her eyes and sighed, “I’m trying to tolerate him but he’s so…”
“Infuriating” Ella finished for her.
“Exactly!” Nicola said, “I try to just go with the flow and…love him for who he is “ like I did when I first met him…but things are changing “ and anyway! We all have our sob stories don’t we?”
Mary and Ella nodded their agreement and then both delved in for a hug. The three of them stood there molded together for a few moments, their eyes closed and their lips all formed into a smile. They had always been a tight knit group of friends. Yes, they were friends…Mary was sometimes looked at as more of a peer than a mother; by both Nicola and Ella…she was just a part of their gang. It had always been that way, “I love you girls” Mary whispered, squeezing both of them as she ended her hug, “you two stay out of trouble “ hear me?”
Ella hadn’t noticed Nicola’s glazed eyes, but when her hand went up to wipe away a tear, she knew that Nicola was fighting her own inner battles between a love she had always had, and the love she had always dreamed of having…it was a hard battle to fight…and Nicola was so emotional and stressed all the time already. It couldn’t be easy for her. Mary was whispering words of advice into Nicola’s ear and Ella just stood watching them with a knowing look on her face. Her mother gave the best advice…it was the one part of her that they always took seriously. They reverenced her when she spoke in that soft tone, while she stroked your hair with her hand and smiled that reassuring smile when she broke under her own words…Ella had experienced that many times before, and it was usually so calming and peaceful. It usually made you start sobbing right then and there…but sometimes even Mary’s faithful charm couldn’t knock down the sturdiest of walls…sometimes she couldn’t speak away all of life’s little troubles…sometimes it took something stronger, something unknown. And sometimes it never worked at all…sometimes you were just forced to deal with what life dealt you…sometimes…you just had to move on.
Ella blinked away the tears that had formed in her own eyes and swallowed her emotion down while Nicola and Mary continued their now lighthearted goodbyes. She mumbled a few words to herself and nodded her head with conviction, “just move on” Ella whispered to herself as she began walking towards the glass doors, “Ella…just…move on” With a shake of her head and a bright smile glued to her face, Ella nodded once again for reassurance and put another concrete block on the wall she was building inside of herself. She wasn’t going to break now…it was too late for that. What happened, well…it happened. And she had to move on…she had to. Whether she was ready or not, it was time to just…get over it. With those being the last of the depressing thoughts, Ella waved at Nicola and sighed. If she only knew what a miserable mistake she was making…if she only knew how much harder it was going to be if she didn’t deal with it now…if she only knew. But the truth was “ she didn’t. So she stuck out her chest and began walking into the night’s air, with a smile on her face and clear green eyes “ she thought she was fine. She really did. But untold events would cause her to come crumbling down sooner or later…and who really knew if she was going to be strong enough to break the fall?
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