Chapter 2
Justin: (mumbles) "I’m not a jerk."
Candice: "in the words of Lauryn Hill, “come again”."
Justin: "huh…oh! Um, I said that it’s cool. I don’t care…"(takes her hand)"…like I said a few minutes ago, I understand and respect that."
Good for you! Maybe you’re not a jerky horn-dog. You’re still a dirty thinking, blue-balled guy though.
Candice: "thank you. And, just for that…"(kisses him)…
She’s kissing y…damn, okay she should not know how to kiss like that! Who is this woman? After…a lot of minutes, the two of you come up for air, and you could’ve sworn that you just saw into her soul and that she just saw into yours.
Candice: (giggles a little) "you aiight?"
Justin: "yea, I…wow, I um…I’m fine. Where’d you…"
Candice: "the last jerk that I dated taught me that." (shudders) "*rrrgh* God I hate D’Andre!"
Justin: "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up."
Candice: "naw, it’s cool." (giddy - sings) "ooh, I saw stars in your eyes! You think I’m gorgeous! You wanna date me!"
Could everybody quit going to the movies on your ass!
Justin: (laughs) "yes, yes I do."
Candice: (smiling) "you do what?"
Justin: "I’m not singing it!"
Candice: "why not?!?! Come on…"(pouts - leans in)"…I’ll be your friend!"
Please, no leaning in! Oh sweet mother of Starbursts! Let’s see, how do you plan on getting through this…pornos, Playboy and Hustler, or those same dirty thoughts of her? Decisions, decisions.
Justin: "why don’t we head back downstairs instead?"
Candice: (smacks) "I guess, but you’re gonna sing that before the day’s over with!"
Justin: (chuckles) "we’ll see!"
Candice: "oh trust me, I always get what I want. Not only am I the youngest, but I’m my daddy’s only girl…I get what I want."
Justin: "like me."
Candice: "I don’t want you! You ain’t all that!"
The two of you head back downstairs. Five songs later, Beyoncé’s “Naughty Girl” comes on. How befitting for the future Mrs. Justin Timberlake! Candice and…(you really need to remember her name)…the other one proceed to do a choreographed dance to the song. A dance that’s more raunchy than a Pussycat Dolls show, but not as out there as strippers. But man, if they sure don’t move like a couple of them!
Just as Clue blast’s Kelis, La La, and Ra Digga’s “Milkshake (remix)”, your head begins to question your other head’s decision. The head that’s in tune with your heart tells the other head to ‘shut the fuck up’ because, ‘that’s the mother of your kids’, shaking her ass up there. If that isn’t love. Aawww, you love her! Okay, no time to get mushy, leave that to Lynn!
Does her milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Hell, it must, you’re here. And no, you’re not talking about her deep throat, you’re talking about her pheromones…although, you do wonder if she does that. After all, she did say that she admired Lil Kim…fashion wise, but that’s still the admiration of Lil Kim.
After watching your goddess, Lance’s woman, Nicole Ritchie, and the Hilton Sisters shake it like a salt shaker…to “Salt Shaker” and other songs (on top of the bar!), you steal her away for a moment. The two of you dance to T.I. and Jazzy Pha’s “Let’s Get Away”.
Candice: (sings) “hey, let’s get away, and get a room on the other side of town. Hey daddy, I’ve been feenin’ for you.”.
Okay, is there anything that this woman can’t do? Provided that she doesn’t sing as well as your buddy Christina, but she doesn’t sound as horrible as Britney, or Gabrielle Union in “Deliver Us From Eva”. She can carry a tune, and sounds like the angel that she is.
Justin: (smirks) "you talking to me?"
Candice: "no De Niro, I’m not. I’m singing my song."
Justin: "hey, a man can dream. Can’t he?"
Candice: "yes you can."
Once the party is over, the two of you go grab a bite to eat at Crustacean. After stopping at Gymboree (for a birthday gift for her godson), and the Coffee Bean, you all head back to the hotel. Walking up to the door, you see the ‘do not disturb’ hanging sign on the doorknob.
Stupid Lance gets to have relations with his, and all you get is several hot mini make out sessions with yours! In a way, this is still so not your day. Damn that Lance, stole your pimp juice, and drunk your only can of crunk juice too!
Good grief! It’s the lucky bastard Charlie Brown!
Candice: (scrunches face) "um, do you think I can chill in your suite for a couple of hours? That way I’ll know for sure that they’re either done, or have taken it into her room."
Justin: (laughs) "sure." (slips arm around her waist) "come on."
Candice: "what are you laughing at?!?! It’s not funny! I swear to god that child’s a fuckin man-eater."
The two of you walk down the hall to your suite. Upon entering you see Lynn sitting on the couch watching Lifetime. These are things that should not be happening to a man your age.
Justin: (surprised) "mom! what are you doing here?!?! I thought you were staying at my place."
Lynn: (still looking at television) "power’s out."
Justin: "how?"
Lynn: "something about teenagers, motorized mini planes, and whatnot."
Candice: (laughs - looks at television) "is that the one with Elizabeth Berkeley in it?"
Lynn: (not paying attention) "uh huh." (in realization) "Candice, hi!"
Candice: (runs over - sits on couch) "hey. what’d I miss?!?!"
Lynn: "well, the boy and his girlfriend went to her place. After they had s…"
So, you’re just going to stand there as your mommy blocks…okay, she isn’t really ‘blocking’…you from Candice? Are you mad man?!?!?! Get her, take her to your room, and make love to her with your mind…just in case you don’t know how to do this, it means get to know her even better. Plus, the two of them will have plenty of time to get acquainted and watch Lifetime.
Justin: (walks over) "unh ahn. You’re my guest." (takes her hand) "come on."
Candice: "okay."
She gets up. The two of you are walking to your room. As you all walk, Lynn says:
Lynn: "wrap it up!"
Candice: "ew!"
Justin: "thanks…mom. Thanks."
Did she start smoking or something? Your mother just told you to “wrap it up”. She would (and should) never say that! You must be living out your own “There’s Something About Mary”, which is ironic because you broke up (read: cheated on and dumped) with Cameron Diaz several months back…and there wasn’t anything about her, well besides her whining about her ‘clock’. There’s something about Candice! First this girl has your mother saying that she and her partner in fashion are the shit. Now she has moms reminding y’all to ‘wrap it up’…which won’t even happen. Who is this woman?!?!?!
Once inside of your room, Candice takes her shoes off and gets comfy on your bed. After a minute, she decides that sitting ‘Indian style’ doesn’t cut it, so she grabs one of your pillows and cuddles up with it at the foot of your bed. As you stand by the window and check your voice mail, you’re mesmerized by the sight of this beautiful creature laying on your bed, flipping through the t.v.’s channel guide. Realizing that you’re not paying any attention to your messages, you lay the phone on the desk and walk over to the mini bar.
Justin: "you want anything?"
Candice: (perkily) "um…sure!" (gets up - skips over) "watcha gots?"
Oh, good god! Do not skip! Would it be rude of you to excuse yourself now, to take that cold shower? Yea, it probably would be. Suck it up!
Justin: "I just noticed how short you were."
Candice: "I’m not that short! I’m 5’7¾”. ooh, Snickers!" (grabs one)
Justin: "yea, but you seem a lot shorter, which is weird because you just took your gym shoes off."
Jesus, you’re studying the woman like you got a test on her! Look at her, got you hallucinating! Either that or Lynn did spark up, before you got there.
Candice: (picks up a shoe) "look. They have a heel inside of them. It’s something my buddy Jeremy Scott created."
Justin: "oh. Those are cool."
Candice: (takes a bite - mouth full) "ay, you got any Dasani?"
Justin: (laughs - mocks her) "any what?"
Candice: (swallows) "don’t mark me!"
Justin: "I thought it was mock."
Candice: "it is, but I like to say mark. I asked if you had any Dasani."
Justin: "oh. No, but we do have water."
Candice: "don’t get smart with me mister!"
Justin: (walks over to fridge) "nope, but I have Auquafina."
Candice: (unenthused) "okay."
Justin: "sorry to disappoint you madam." (laughs) "are you under contract with Coca Cola?"
Candice: "nope! I just love Dasani. It’s probably the cocaine in it, but the stuff never tastes bad…even at room temperature! Not that you would know…Mr. Evion."
Justin: "whaaaaat?!?!"
Candice: "smoking gun.com. star riders."
Justin: "oh! Did you see Busta’s? he requested condoms!"
Candice: "I know! Some of y’all are outrageous! But not as outrageous as the venues that actually provide it."
Justin: "yea, sometimes. Aren’t they like that with y’all?"
Candice: (scoffs) "no! but, if I were a singer or a rapper, I could ask for crazy shit, and they would go beyond out of their way to get it."
You say nothing as you laugh, because it is true.
Candice: "I’m serious! If I asked for six pairs of edible panties, a dildo, a box of “Summers Eve”, and a Pomeranian, venue owners would be like, “yes, ma’am, right away! ”. it’s ri- gah damn -diculous!"
You continue to laugh. You stop abruptly when your mind begins to ponder what the hell “Summers Eve” is…then it hits you.
Justin: "eeeewwww!!!!!!"
Candice: "wha…oh, sorry." (laughs)
As she gets up and walks over to the wastebasket, you find yourself caught up in her…yet again. Man, stop studying her like she’s the ACT! Candice walks back over to the bed and resumes her previous laying position. You realize that there is no way thoughts of her will stay out of your head tonight as you sleep, because her scent is now all over your pillow and bed. You’re brought out of your deep thoughts by her reciting the opening to the “Powerpuff Girls”.
The what?!?! Oh no, no matter how beautiful she is, you refuse to watch them!
Candice: “sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients…”…
Justin: (grabs remote) "oh, no, we are not watching the “Powerpuff Girls”!"
Candice: (snatches it back) "uh, yea we are! “…but Professor Utonium accidentally added another ingredient to the concoction…Chemical X. and thus, the Powerpuff Girls were born. Using their ultra-super powers. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. Have dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil.” (does the melody)
Okay, this is absolutely the most incredible woman in the world! Not only is she sexy, but she’s not too sexy to talk with her mouth full of candy bar. She knows about sex toys (which makes you wonder about her “extracurricular activities”), and loves the “Powerpuff Girls” (in a non-c.m. type of way).
Candice: “the city of Townsville”!
Justin: "that’s it? You’re not gonna finish it?"
Candice: "no, I’ve never seen this one before. Plus I only know the beginning and ending thinga-majigas."
Justin: (laughs) "thinga-majigas?"
Candice: (laughs) "yea! don’t mind me, I make up words."
Justin: "noted."
You walk up to the head of the bed and sit. Why are you sitting way up there?!?! Staring at her thighs and ass will not be allowed! You’ve been trying to get to her all day long, and now you’re sitting up here! See, this is why Lance is tapping the other one! Okay, it’s not the only reason why, but you know what it means.
Candice: (still looking at television) "why are you sitting all the way up there?"
Justin: "I’m admiring your…Powerpuff Girls socks." (laughs) "you’re how old, and you’re wearing Powerpuff Girls socks!"
Candice: (rolls over) "I just turned 22 in April. And so the fuck what if I have Bubbles on my socks!" (waves foot) "you know you want them, after all, baby blue is your favorite color."
Justin: "that’s right, it is!"
You snatch the sock off of her left foot, run to the middle of the room, and dangle it in the air.
Candice: (whines playfully) "Justin! Gimme my sock back, my foot’s cold!"
Justin: (laughing) "why don’t you just grab it. You said that you weren’t that short."
She tries to grab the sock out of your hand. Both to your happiness and dismay, she jumps up and down to try and reach the sock. Does she have to jump up and down?!?! Why can’t she just get a chair. Luckily for you she stops.
Thank goodness!
Candice: "keep it."
She walks back over to the bed and takes the other sock off. After throwing the other sock at you, she fixes the comforter so that it covers her feet. You once again are mesmerized at the beautiful creature laying at the foot of your bed.
Candice: "you’re lucky it’s back from commercial!"
Justin: (laughs a little) "really, and why is that?"
Candice: "because now you don’t have to feel my wrath."
What? Why not?!?! You’d love to feel her wrath. Okay, let’s stop it with the dirty thoughts…until she leaves!
Justin: "your wrath, huh?"
Candice: "yes."
You pull her down to you and begin tickling her.
Candice: (laughing) "Jus…stop…I…I can’t…breathe!"
Justin: (laughing) "nope! Not until you feel my wrath."
Candice: (still laughing) "mais…je…ne…pouvais pas…respire! Ar…arrête s’il vous plaît!!!"
Even though you have no idea what she just said, you continue to tickle her. You figure that she said stop, and that’s only because you remember seeing the word ‘arrête’ on stop signs in Canada and France. Your assault on her finally stops when she screams obscenities in pain.
Candice: "OW! Shit, son of a…bitch!!!" (grabs tummy)
Justin: "oh shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you."
Candice: "don’t be. It wasn’t you, it’s my belly ring. It’s still a little sore."
Justin: "when’d you get it pierced?"
Candice: "last week."
Justin: (kisses her tummy) "there. Now, doesn’t that make it fell better?" (laughs)
Candice: "no!" (sweetly) "but thank you anyway. Damn, now I’m glad I didn’t get my tongue pierced!"
Her what?!?! See, now she’s just sharing too many sexy secrets!
Justin: "you were going to get your tongue pierced?!?!?!"
Candice: "I was thinking about it…but not because of that! I’m on a ‘no head diet’."
Dammit!
Candice: "stupid Three Six Mafia, and they damn song!"
Justin: "right, sure!"
Candice: "shut up! I don’t even know why I wanted one."
Justin: "was this before, or after you went on that diet?"
Candice: "oh, pip-pip, funny! I have always been on it. I don’t give brain, head, grill, Georgia Dome, Soldier Field, or pop quizzes."
Justin: "Soldier Field?"
Candice: "yea. If the Ying Yang Twins can call it Georgia Dome, then I can call it Soldier Field."
Justin: "good point. Now, back to this lil ditty." (plays with ring) "who did this for you? It looks like some of Jacob’s work."
Candice: yup! At first I asked the lovely people at Harry Winston to do it for me, but they had a hard time setting Candy in there." (points to a tiny pink diamond)
Justin: (laughs) "you name your diamonds?"
Candice: "just the pink ones, the yellow one, and the black one. My canary goes by Tweety, and my onyx, on my other ‘C’ goes by Black Beauty. This one’s Candy and the other one, on my other ‘C’ goes by Cotton."
Justin: "oh, I get it. Damn girl, how many of these do you have?!?!"
Candice: "just two. I bought two just in case my momma said that I couldn’t get my belly pierced. The rings were my birthday present, and if she said ‘yes’, the piercing would be my graduation present."
Aw, how cute! She asked her mommy.
Justin: "you asked your mom if you could get your belly pierced?"
Candice: "yea! I’m living in her house, and because of her I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do."
Justin: "that’s understandable."
Candice: "plus, my sister got hers done and tried to hide it when she came home for Christmas." (laughs) "my mom had this mini mother-fit. So, I decided that I’d be the cute one that I am and ask."
Justin: "how old was your sister when she got hers?"
Candice: "she was 22." (laughs) "that was a fun day! I remember seeing it, and since I was 11, I was like “ooh, you’re gonna get it!”. and then when my mom saw it I said, “mommy, if I ever wanted to get a navel ring, I would ask you first!”."
Justin: (laughs) "the youngest children are always evil."
Candice: "we are not!"
Justin: "y’all are too! My little brother is like that."
Candice: (shrugs) "ay, it ain’t our fault."
She rolls over and lays back down. You lay on top of her, cupping her belly ring to make sure it doesn’t get pushed into the bed. As she flips through the guide, you inhale her scent and get high off of her essence once again.
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