The year passes by quickly. It is now the next March. You secretly meet up with Jacob the Jeweler at your Orlando house, to design the ring that you plan on proposing to Candice with. You hope that when it’s done it looks like her favorite flower…a Stargazer Lily. In April you fly her out to L.A. for her birthday.
Justin: (on phone) "hey, mom I gotta go." (happily) "she’s here!"
Lynn: (chipper) "okay! Bye honey!"
You skip…yes, you skip…to the door and open it. Much to your chagrin, Britney is on your doorstep. What the hell does she want?!?!
Justin: (annoyed) "what the hell do you want?!?!?!"
To further frustrate you, she let’s herself in and takes up residence on your couch.
Britney: "ew! Who is singing this crappy song?!?!"
Did she just knock your baby’s song?!?! She did. Now, Candice thinks that Jaheim is ugly, but she loves the man when he sings. Especially if he’s singing “Special Day”. Hopefully she doesn’t walk up to the door, because if she comes in and hears Britney dissing her boy Jaheim, Britney’s gonna catch a brick…which might not be that bad after all.
Quick, close the door! You don’t want any blood shed on your white couch…even if it is Britney’s.
Britney: (whines) "Justin, like you gotta help me!!!"
Why can’t she seem to not whine and screech in the same sentence, when she begs for something?
Justin: (walking over) "go away, I’m busy!"
Britney: "nooo! I need your help!"
Justin: (gives an irritated sigh) "with what?"
Britney: "Kevin! I don’t want to like be with him anymore, but like, he won’t divorce me! He said that he meant it when he said “ ’til death do us part”! like I really, really need your help!!!"
Justin: (irritated) "what the fuck do you want me to do?!?!?!"
She rips the trench coat off to reveal her wearing a see-thru negligee. You were wondering why she that on, even though it was the middle of April, it was the middle of April in Los Angeles. Oh boy! Amazingly for a man who hasn’t had sex in a little over two years, you are not phased by it…then again it is Britney. You wouldn’t fuck her now, even if it would save your life. Yup, that’s how much you hate her now.
Britney: "okay, so I was like thinking. The only way Kevin will like divorce me, is if he like sees me having sex with another man."
Justin: "where’s Jason? "
Britney: "like that isn’t funny Justin!"
Justin: "who said that I was being funny?!?"!
Britney: "and like, plus he’s watching his sister’s kids tonight anyway."
Justin: "so! I’m not helping you cheat on your husband! Since you don’t know how it feels, let me tell you." (shouts) CHEATING HURTS LIKE A BITCH!"
Britney: "he’ll get over it…trust me."
Could this thing please go away?!?! She decides that straddling you might help you to agree. This is what you get for sitting on the couch.
Justin: "Britney, get off of me."
Britney: "oh, come on Stinky! Do this one little thing for me. Please?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
Did she jus…she just called you Stinky! You hated that name back when you were with her, and you really hate it now. With that said, you push her off of you and make your way over to the door. But, she doesn’t back down easily. She jumps on you, knocking you down to the floor and kisses you.
The icing on the cake…Candice opens the door, and sees Britney kissing you. She doesn’t see that you’re trying to pry her off of you…hey, silicone hides a lot of things.
Candice: (pissed) "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!"
Oh shit!
Britney: (gets up) "ew! Who’s this ugly…"(gestures)"…thing?"
Candice: (shocked but pissed) "ugly what?!?!?!?! I’m the ugly…oh, you know what?!?! This is so not worth it!!!"
She storms out of the door. You rush out to her.
Justin: "wait, let me explain!"
Candice: (pissy) "EXPLAIN WHAT?!?!?!?! THAT YOU GOT TIRED OF NOT GETTING ANY, SO YOU DECIDED TO FUCK SOMEONE ELSE!!! NO, I’M NOT FENA STAND HERE AND LISTEN TO YOU TRY AND BULLSHIT YOUR WAY OUTTA THIS!!! I’VE HAD IT WITH MUTHA-FUCKAS LIKE YOU!!! IF YOUR BALLS WERE GETTING THAT BLUE FROM NOT GETTING ANY, YOU SHOULD’VE TOLD ME! BUT NO, INSTEAD YOU WANNA GET SOME PUSSY ON THE SIDE…PROVIDED THAT IT’S SKANKY 2¢ HO PUSSY…BUT IT’S STILL PUSSY! YOU SHOULD’VE BEEN A MAN AND DIPPED LIKE ALL THEM OTHER MONKEY MUTHA-FUCKAS DID WITHIN THE FIRST TWO MONTHS!!!! YOU WASTED MY TIME! TO THINK THAT I ACTUALLY THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!"
Justin: "I do love you!"
Candice: "YOU DON’T FUCKIN LOVE ME!!!! You know what? Forget this shit. I’m out."
She rips the necklace, that you gave her last Valentine’s day, off of her neck and throws it at you. She slams the door to her car and speeds out of your driveway and out of your life.
Number of reviews: 401
Print:
Chapter or Story