I've been thinking a lot today. I hate when I do that, all I seem to do is focus on my faults and on the stupid mistakes I've made and how much of a burden I am. So I've decided: I'm NOT going back home EVER. Keisha can be worried and guilty forever, and Mom and Dad will get over it, I will call them soon to tell them I'm okay and then they can just move on with their life. It's for the best, I'm sure of it. I'd hate to be a burden to them, and that's exactly what I feel I'd be. I can tell all I'd do is mope around the house, and I wouldn't get any work done so then I'd get fired and everything would just go wrong. I have no choice.
I've been away from home for about forty two hours and have been cycling quite a bit, I've decided to go to Alabama even though I know its a way away, I've decided I want to travel a bit before I decide what to do for my future. And you know what? I feel relieved about this, it is most definitely the right thing to do, I don't regret it at all. I feel like I've lifted a whole load of responsibility off my parents, work... and well, anyone who has ever known me. I know I'm a burden, I know I'm not straightforward and easy.
The more I think about it, the more obvious it is that Keisha wasn't The One (and now I haven't decided if that even exists). The thing you have to remember is that this is my diary with my twisted view on everything, its probably not the true view, I'm kinda crap when it comes to that sort of thing. I should have noticed the day after I came into Work after I was ill and Keisha gave me a Get Well Soon card that Kamal had a smirk on his face, that would probably be a big giveaway to anyone else but me, its just that I thought he might have caught my cold and he was trying not to sneeze on me and give me his germs.
Stupid me. I'm SO fucking stupid you just wouldn't believe it even if I told you and gave you examples and graphs with results and stuff, I just don't function right, I'm just... wrong. And then I always overanalyze when I realize I've done something very wrong which everyone normal would do correctly and easily, normal people laugh at me and it's times like these when I realize why. You know what? Another thing was that Keisha and Kamal spent a lot of time together At Work, especially whispering. I asked her what they were whispering about and she said it was work stuff and I said good idea, but he should really whisper to me then because I'm in a higher position than him. I'm SO fucking naive. I mean... DUH! How much more stupid can I get?
I hate myself sometimes, I hate myself for being so stupid and so different. And then sometimes I hate other people. How they function perfectly fine without even trying, when I can try so so hard and still not fit in, I hate how people don't even realize some of us have trouble with things of a social variety and I hate that they don't appreciate what they've got. But I'm trying not to be too bitter, I know I'm throwing a bit of a funk right now but the way I see it is that I barely ever normally do, so I'm allowed to yell my head off every once in a while. And I think now is a good time; this is a Big Thing after all.
Shall I tell you my travel plans? I'm gonna go to DisneyWorld (where else?) in Orlando, Florida which is why I'm traveling even more South than Memphis. I'm gonna cycle down to Athens in Alabama and get the train down to Birmingham, then another to Montgomery and then find another train to Orlando. I have my money card with me which has plenty of thousands of dollars on it and an overdraft if I need it.
This could be fun to do, because you know what? I may feel stupid but I also feel... free. And how many people can say they truly feel free?
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