You know what I love? Cakes, cookies, Krispy Kreme donuts, bagels, sunshine, rain, Memphis, Home, the smell of bakeries, mom, dad, and detective stories. I read lots of those, because sometimes it's fun to play detective, infact sometimes The Boss at Work gets me to find out things because he knows how much I love it, and he knows I do it well. If I wasn't selling conservatories on the phone I think I'd be a private eye. The Boss at Work once shouted in his office ''Who stole my bagel? It's my favourite bagel!'' so I went round the office very quiet and looked to see if I could find his bagel and who stole it.
I looked round all the different booths while just pretending to be strolling by and it was Kamal and he was joking with Thomas who works in the booth next to him about it and Thomas was saying how smart he was. So I went to The Boss at Work's office and knocked on his door. He said come in so I did, and then I told him ''Kamal stole your bagel sir, he was showing it off to Thomas and they were laughing.'' He asked me ''Why are you telling me this?'' and I said ''I think stealing is wrong, and I appreciate a good bagel sir'' and I put my hands behind my back and stood up straight to show I was serious. He likes me a lot more now, and he is paying me more money than everyone else, which is nice.
Sometimes I read romance stories too. I steal one of mom's books and read them so I know what romance is. I've never been kissed before so I close my eyes after I've read the bit where the two kiss and try to imagine what it feels like, or work out what you do with your tongue when you kiss with your tongue. Like when I watch a kiss in a movie I like to pretend I am the man, especially when the girl is pretty. But sometimes romantic stories make me laugh, like when Sussana and Ralph were about to have sex it said ''she ripped off his pants to reveal his bulging manhood. She couldn't help but smile, because she meant it when she said she loved every inch of his body''. I find it funny because they can't even say penis or dick, I think the writer is embarrassed or something. Also she does not smile because she loves every inch of him (well maybe a little) she smiles because he has a huge penis and bigger is better apparently. Well that’s what it says in mom's magazines.
See, I know about sex too. Although I'm still a virgin because no one wants to have sex with me yet, although Camilla from Work said she'd ''do me'' but feared about being arrested for statutory rape or something. Camilla says a lot of sexual things to me and Mark, Thomas, Philip, Kamal, Tony, Frances and Dave from Work say she is a ''really good fuck''. That’s a lot of people to have had sex with though; she could have Aids if she isn't careful. But maybe she is just a porn star and they can tell from watching her that she is good.
That’s where I find out about sex and women's bodies: porn. Although it kinda looks icky in a way and unhygienic, I think they enjoy it so it must be a 'do it before you judge' thing, like brussel sprouts, I like those although I didn't think I would. I know what your hands are supposed to do with breasts and I know what to say at what time and that if you say your mistress' name when you are fucking your wife you get a slap and you have to promise to fuck her better.
There are a lot of things I don't understand about sex and society, like how Usher ripping off Janet Jackson's breast could be so controversial, everyone was talking about it at Work like they've never seen a breast before. Well I have, I've seen plenty, so it didn't shock me. When I said so to Camilla she lifted one of her eyebrows and said ''You never cease to amaze me Mr Timberlake. How very European.'' I like it when she calls me Mr Timberlake, it makes me feel important.
I'm gonna have sex one day, I've decided. I don't know who with though, it'll probably be Camilla because apparently she’s really good, but there’s this other girl at Work called Keisha whose really really pretty, but really quiet. One time I was looking at her and she looked up and saw me looking at her so she smiled, and she had such a pretty smile that I had to smile back. She never talks about sex but I bet she wants to do it, I'd quite like her to be my girlfriend but I don't know how you go about that. I think we could both make each other really happy though.
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