Part Five - Smells Like Burnt Rubber
I do believe there is nothing in life that I hate more than awkward silences. Maybe this is because pretty much any silence in my family was an awkward silence, but I really do despise them. I hated the awkward silence that filled the room when my parents found out Bianca had convinced me to get a belly button ring. I hated the awkward silence that accompanied my discovery of my cousin Esther making out with my older brother’s girlfriend (don’t ask). I hated the awkward silence that occurred between Justin and myself after we kissed. But even more than that, I hated how when I hung out with Jake the next day, the conversation was littered with awkward silences.
Jake was supposed to be my buddy, the one I wouldn’t have to worry about stressing me out even more the day after that particular Saturday. And yet, as we sat in his room that day, he would barely even look at me and gave me nothing but monosyllabic responses to anything I said. After a while the only sound in the room was him bouncing a tennis ball against the wall as he laid on his bed and my fingers tapping on his desk as I sat perched on the chair next to it.
“Having fun?” I asked finally, after several other conversation attempts (including the suggestion of renting Say Anything, which was supposed to be foolproof) had failed.
“Loads,” he replied shortly, his words followed by the thunk, thunk, thunk of the ball against the plaster.
“Good.”
Thunk, thunk, thunk. Tap, tap, tap.
“So, um...doesn’t that annoy your neighbors?”
“Not half as much as their loud sex at 2 in the morning annoys me.”
“Oh.”
Thunk, thunk, thunk.
“Jake?”
“Yep?”
“Is something bothering you?”
Thunk, thunk...he finally stopped bouncing the ball and sat up, turning to look at me. He nodded.
“Now that you mention it, yes. Something is definitely bothering me.”
“What is it?” I inquired eagerly, feeling as though I was finally getting somewhere.
“Well...I guess I’m just trying to decide a course of action here. Maybe you can help me out.”
“Sure.”
“Let’s say that you had a friend.”
“Who is it?” I interrupted. “You or Bianca?”
“Neither of us.” He shrugged. “Just a friend.”
“Well it has to be you or Bianca. Who else is there?” I reminded him. He rolled his eyes.
“Doesn’t matter. Either of us. Just a friend.”
“Okay. So I’m imaging I have this friend...” I urged him to continue.
“Right.” Jake nodded, now beginning to toss the tennis ball from one hand to the other as he spoke. “And this friend of yours means a lot to you, even though you haven’t known him very long. Then one day this friend says he can’t hang out with you because of a religious obligation, so you decide to go for a walk in, say, Central Park. Hypothetically speaking of course.”
“Jake, let me-“ I began, realizing where this must be going, but he cut me off before I could finish my offer to explain. He shook his head as he continued speaking and I felt increasingly sick to my stomach.
“You decide to go for a walk in Central Park, all alone because pretty much everyone has ditched you and lo and behold, you see two people kissing on a bridge. At first you think nothing of it and then you realize: there’s your friend who clearly had no religious obligation, because he’s way too busy macking on some girl. What would you do in a situation like that?”
I was silent at first, shocked at what I was hearing and completely unable to decide what my response to this should be. Part of me said I didn’t have to explain anything to him. He wasn’t my boyfriend, I had every right to kiss someone else if I wanted to. The other part of me felt incredibly guilty and as though I were completely irredeemable in every way. Finally, a small voice came out of my mouth, though I was sure it wasn’t mine.
“You’re not gonna tell Bianca are you?” I asked quietly. Jake scoffed and I immediately felt like a prize idiot who had just come up with the most insensitive response possible.
“That’s nice, Taylor. Way to think about someone other than yourself,” he responded bitingly.
“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” I attempted to backpedal clumsily. “I just mean...it was a bad decision on my part and if Bianca finds out I want it to come from me, you know? And I’m sorry...I know I shouldn’t have kissed him, and...I’m sorry.”
“Unbelievable.” Jake rolled his eyes. “You think this is just about you kissing Bianca’s stupid boyfriend?”
“Yeah,” I replied dumbly. I couldn’t think of what else it could be about. Kissing Bianca’s stupid boyfriend was the only thing I’d done wrong. The tennis ball dropped from his hands to the floor.
“Well, I don’t even give a shit about that. It’s none of my business who you kiss. But if you didn’t want to hang out with me yesterday you could have just said so. You didn’t have to lie about it.”
I probably should have explained that I didn’t lie, but had rather had a change of plans, but I was feeling oddly pissed off and defensive about him saying he didn’t give a shit who I kissed. “Bullshit,” I responded.
“Excuse me?”
“Bullshit. This has nothing to do with my not hanging out with you yesterday. You’re just pissed off because you thought I couldn’t get any other guys and I can,” I stated stubbornly. Jake laughed, sliding off his bed and standing up.
“Well, you think very highly of yourself, don’t you? You really think I care if you go around kissing stupid bastards like Justin Timberlake? I don’t give a flying fuck who you kiss, Taylor. But don’t act like we’re friends or some shit and then go ditching me to betray Bianca.”
“I did not betray Bianca!” I exclaimed, jumping off chair I was sitting on and folding my arms indignantly. Of course I knew I had, but someone else saying it made me feel so much worse and I couldn’t think of any way to feel better except to deny it. “Stop taking out your disappointment on me! It’s not my fault if you want more from this friendship than I do.”
Jake was silent for a moment as he just stared at me, his face expressionless. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft. “What friendship?”
Not having any response for that, I just shook my head at him before turning around and walking out the door.
***
“Taylor?”
I turned around to see Justin’s blue eyes looking down at me quizzically and felt horrible knots begin to form in my stomach. I had been standing outside his apartment building for nearly half an hour trying to decide what I was doing there when his voice had snapped me out of my thoughts.
“Hi,” I choked out nervously. I really didn’t know what I was doing there. I shouldn’t have been there; I should have been avoiding Justin at all costs, that was the natural thing to do.
“Hey.” He still looked a little confused, obviously wondering why I was dumb enough to come there as much as I was. “What are you doing here?”
“I don’t really know.” I gave a nervous laugh. “I guess...I don’t know.”
Justin nodded and looked around as though checking to see if anyone was watching. “Why don’t you come on up and we can talk,” he finally offered and I nodded.
“Yeah, okay.”
I followed him into the building and up the elevator in complete silence. Neither of us really knew what to say, and the air between us was filled with an awkward silence ten times worse than any I had experienced thus far. We both just stared at our feet, doing our best to avoid making eye contact. Trying to alleviate the tension filled silence, I said the first thing that came into my head.
“This elevator kind of smells like burnt rubber.” I still can’t believe that of all the things I could have possibly said in my attempt to alleviate tension, that was what I decided on. Maybe Bianca isn’t the “weirdo” of this story after all.
Justin snorted, clearly attempting to suppress his laughter and I rolled my eyes at myself.
“Sorry. That was a really stupid thing to say,” I said, trying to decide whether I should be amused or horrified. Justin shook his head.
“No, you’re right,” he agreed as the elevator doors opened and we stepped out into the hall. “It does have a very funky smell going on at the moment.”
“I wonder if we should be worried,” I commented, glancing back at the elevator as the doors slid closed behind us. My companion chuckled.
“Probably, but I’m not going to bother myself with it at the moment.” We reached his front door and he unlocked it, opening it and waving me inside before he entered and closed the door behind him. He gestured to the couch. “Have a seat. Do you want something to drink?”
“No, I’m good.” I shook my head and began fidgeting nervously as I looked around the large, neutral colored living room. My eyes fell on a picture of Justin with my brother Abraham that sat on top of an end table encased in a black picture frame. I smiled at the thought of my brother before I remembered why I was sitting in his best friend’s living room and what he would do to said best friend if he knew about the kiss we’d shared the day before.
“So, are we just going to sit here forever or are you going to tell me why you came here?” Justin’s voice forced me to look at him as he sat down next to me on the couch. The question sounded like something I would say, but the way he said it sounded far more gentle than accusatory, which was a skill I had never really mastered.
“Um...I...” I paused, biting my lip uncertainly. I shifted my gaze to the wall so that I wouldn’t have to look into the blue eyes that I was suddenly realizing were strangely mesmerizing. “I guess I just needed to talk to you.”
“Okay.” I could see him nod out of the corner of my eye as he responded gently. He was clearly aware that I was feeling nervous and confused and was attempting to make me as comfortable as possible, but sitting next to me like he was probably wasn’t the best way for him to do this. Being close to him made all the questions that had been running through my head for the past twenty-four hours far more prominent. Why had he kissed me? Why had I allowed it? Was it just some fluke thing or was this stemming from some suppressed attraction we had to each other? And how the hell was I going to look Bianca in the face and act like nothing was wrong when she got back?
“Why did you kiss me yesterday?” I blurted out, unable to contain my confusion or come up with a more delicate way to pose this question. I finally looked back at Justin and found that he had dropped his eyes to his feet.
“Wow, okay, um...good question.” He attempted to chuckle lightly but it just sounded forced and I sighed, waiting for him to say something else. “I don’t know, I guess I just...well...see...I love Bianca.”
I raised an eyebrow as he reestablished eye contact with me. I’m not quite sure what kind of response I had been expecting, but that was certainly not the explanation I had thought I would get. I don’t know why, and I know this is really selfish, but I felt really disappointed to hear those words come out of his mouth. I should have been happy. She was my best friend and she deserved someone who loved her, but...since the day before, I kind of found myself hoping that someone wouldn’t be Justin. And, to be honest, I think somewhere in the back of my mind that had been my hope all along.
“So you kissed her best friend? Okay, believe it or not, that isn’t helping my confusion,” I finally replied, eyeing him skeptically.
“No. Right. Sorry. Understandable. Um.” Justin took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, apparently having a very difficult time responding to my questioning stare. His eyelids slowly opened again and he glanced back at me for a moment before he began speaking to the wall. I had never seen him look so uncertain of himself. It was weird. “Taylor, you know I’ve always liked you. You’re a good kid and I always kind of thought of you as the little sister I never had, but recently I started realizing that you weren’t a little girl anymore and I started noticing what an amazing woman you are. You’re funny, you’re smart, you’re intriguing, and I think you’ve even got a little bit of vilde chayea yourself.”
“Do you even know what that means?” I smirked, surprised at the use of my mother’s nickname for Bianca being used to describe me. I am hardly a vilde chayea. I’m far too boring for that.
Justin nodded. “Wild animal.”
“Ooh, boy knows his Yiddish. Impressive.” He laughed and I smiled, feeling mildly relieved of my nervousness. Of course it came back the moment he started talking again.
“Anyway, the point is, I’ve been trying really, really hard not to think about how attractive you are, but yesterday I was just looking at you and realized how grown up and beautiful you’ve become and-“
“I’m not beautiful,” I cut him off with a mumble and a blush. Despite the fact that he had kissed me a mere twenty-four hours earlier, I was finding it very hard to believe that someone like Justin, who had a girlfriend as beautiful and amazing as Bianca, actually thought I was beautiful. He looked at me with a crooked smile and nodded slightly.
“Yeah, you are. Believe me, I wish I could say you weren’t, but you are, Taylor. You’ve got this great tall, thin figure, and this beautiful smile, and the most intriguing eyes and...” His voice trailed off as he seemed to realize that he was saying too much and I simultaneously realized that I was holding my breath and staring at him expectantly. He finally looked back at me and our eyes met the way they had right before our previous act of betrayal. “You are beautiful,” he repeated softly. “You really, really are.”
“Um...okay,” I replied, trying to prevent what I knew was about to happen from happening despite the fact that I sort of wanted it to happen. Justin just smiled briefly before brushing his lips softly against mine. I closed my eyes and returned the pressure as his lips began working more fervently against mine and my hand rested on his thigh. Our tongues slowly intertwined as I felt his hands work their way into my hair and I sighed into his mouth. But then he quickly pulled away, breathing raggedly and looking as shocked at his actions as he had the day before. I should have figured that would happen.
“I’m sorry, Taylor, I can’t,” he said, running his hands through his own hair and standing up off the couch. I just nodded, my heart sinking.
“Yeah, of course,” I agreed before softly mumbling the truth that had been in the back of my mind the entire time. “You’re going to get back together with Bianca, aren’t you?”
He looked at me apologetically, even sadly, and nodded. “Thanks for all your help yesterday.”
“No problem,” I tried to reply cheerfully as I stood up. “Good luck.”
I walked out of Justin’s apartment, trying to appear strong and unaffected. Strong and unaffected are two things I have always wanted to be, but have never been quite able to pull off. At that moment, though, I think I faked it pretty well. Of course, the moment I was out of his sight, I broke down into tears. It was then that I realized what my real problem with Justin and Bianca’s relationship had been from the very beginning. It wasn’t just that I was afraid of losing my best friend, it was that a part of me had never gotten over that 11-year-old crush I’d had on Justin and I was pissed off that Bianca got him while I had to just sit by and watch, alone and unnoticed.
But then he kissed me and I realized that I hadn’t been unnoticed. I had been very noticed, it was just that he had noticed Bianca first. Story of my life, right? Bianca was the outgoing one, the pretty one, the cool one, and I just sat in the background waiting for her to come back and keep me company until that moment when Justin kissed me and for once I wasn’t in the background anymore. For once I got what I wanted and a small part of me hoped that would last, even though I knew it couldn’t. Bianca would kill me and Abraham would kill Justin. Besides, Justin loved Bianca. I couldn’t compete with that, and really, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to have to compete for him, I just wanted him.
I spent the entire cab ride back to campus sniffling and feeling sorry for myself. Bianca was gone, Jake hated me, and I was all alone as usual. . All I wanted to do was go back to my room and wallow in self pity. But as I approached my room, I saw a familiar figure sitting on the floor in the hall. I quickly wiped my eyes, hoping the redness in them wouldn’t be apparent.
“How’d you get in here?” I asked, referring to the building, which was locked on the outside. My only friend other than Bianca looked up at me and smiled, shrugging.
“What’s her name let me in,” Jake explained.
“Oh.” I went to unlock my door, not even caring who what’s her name was. Jake stood up and placed a hand on my shoulder. I opened my door, but turned to look at him before going in.
“Listen, I’m sorry I overreacted earlier about the whole Justin thing. You were right, I was jealous and I had no right to go all stupid on you over it. I’m sorry.”
I nodded and smiled. “Thank you. And I’m sorry too, but I want you to know that I didn’t lie to you. I was really planning on going to synagogue, but then Justin called all pathetic-like about wanting Bianca back and shit, so I went to go see him and things got, you know, weird and out of hand.” I felt a stray tear fall down my cheek and reached up to brush it away, hoping Jake wouldn’t notice. He frowned.
“Are you okay?”
“No,” I blubbered, the tears falling harder again. I felt like such and idiot and I wanted them to stop, but they wouldn’t. “Do you want to come in?”
Jake nodded and ushered me into the room, closing the door behind us so as to save me from the public humiliation of crying in front of my entire floor. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s just...I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. Justin loves Bianca and I’m an idiot. That pretty much sums up my life.”
“You’re not an idiot,” Jake replied, pulling me into his arms and kissing me softly on the forehead. “Justin, however, is another story.”
“I guess I was just hoping for the fulfillment of some stupid 11-year-old fantasy where Justin might actually want to be with me. Pretty stupid right?” I laughed bitterly at myself, feeling only slightly comforted by Jake’s embrace.
“No, it’s not stupid.” He rubbed his hand up and down my back a couple of times. “Much like the ending ofPretty in Pink is not stupid.” I knew he was trying to get me to laugh, and it worked. I pulled away from his embrace and brushed the tears away from my face again.
“You’re pretty lame, you know that?”
“That’s the spirit!” Jake grinned down at me. “Now, I know I’m not a girl or anything, but I do have three sisters and I have learned that the best thing to do in these types of situations is to get ice cream and bad teen movies and do some guy bashing. So, I think it’s time for you and me to get down to business here.” I raised an eyebrow.
“You want to bash guys with me?” I asked with a laugh. It was actually probably the best suggestion that he could have made and I had never been so glad to have a non-Bianca friend around.
“Hell yes I do. I can bash guys with the best of them, woman.”
“Okay.” I sniffed again. “Thanks, Jake.” He smiled and shrugged nonchalantly.
“Hey, I was kind of a dick to you earlier. It’s the least I can do.”
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