Part Six - It’s Not You, It’s Me
“So are you going to tell her?”
“Huh?” My head shot up from where it had been leaning over my French textbook to look at my study partner quizzically. Or at least Jake was supposed to be studying with me but instead he was staring across the table at me waiting for an answer to his completely random question.
“Are you going to tell Bianca?” He clarified for my slow to catch on benefit. It had been two weeks since Justin and I had kissed and I had yet to come clean to my best friend about the situation. She had returned from her visit at home seeming as down as ever about her “break” from Justin and I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I was a bitchfaced ho bag. Besides, how does one start a conversation about that? I’ll be damned if I know. So I’d been pretty much aiming to spend as little time around her as possible so as to alleviate the guilt I felt every time I saw her and hoped that maybe I’d just forget about it eventually. And what Bianca didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her, right? Right. Especially if she got the guy anyway.
Meanwhile, “the guy” was still calling our room multiple times per day and Bianca was still refusing to talk to him, and I sure as hell didn’t want to talk to him so we had resorted to screening phone calls. I’m sure he knew exactly what was going on, because he was sounding increasingly exasperated on the messages he left on our answering machine.
“Well, I haven’t exactly found the right time,” I told Jake slowly. He shook his head at me as he did every time we’d had this conversation in the past two weeks. He thought I should come clean, claiming this whole thing would only blow up in my face if I kept it a secret, but I was hoping that if I waited long enough it would all just disappear.
“Why do I get the feeling you’re never going to find the right time?” he inquired.
“Well, you try finding a good time to tell your best friend that you kissed her sort of boyfriend. Twice,” I snapped irritably, slamming my book shut and shoving it into my bag. There was no way I’d be able to focus on French verbs now that my mind was on Bianca and I was all upset about it.
“The longer you wait, the harder it will get,” Jake reminded me for the millionth time in the past two weeks. While I was glad that he was still talking to me and being mostly supportive, I sort of wished that he would just let me live in my little dream world where there were no problems and I most definitely did not need to tell Bianca that I kissed Justin. Twice. I stood up and hoisted my bag onto my shoulder before flipping my hair over my shoulder and glaring down at my friend.
“I know.” I rolled my eyes, then turned and stalked off towards the entrance of the library. Jake soon caught up with me, an annoying smirk adorning his face.
“So you’re mad at me now, eh?” he inquired seeming half worried, half amused.
“Yes,” I responded shortly. He just nodded and we walked silently for a moment before I sighed and shook my head. “No, I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at this whole situation, that’s all.”
“I know, Tay, and I understand, but I’m telling you. You have to tell Bianca, because if you don’t-“
“This will all blow up in my face,” I finished for him, sighing irritably and shaking my head. “I know, Jacob. You’ve said this to me about a billion times. And I know, I just want to wait a little while to be sure the timing is right and I know what I want to say and everything. I’ve told you this.”
“Okay,” he replied in such a way that I knew that he knew that I really had no intention of telling Bianca anytime soon. Or ever if I could help it.
“So, how are your classes going?” I inquired, eager to get the conversation going in another direction and, to some extent, generally curious about the progression of Jake’s studies. He laughed and glanced over at me, his eyes smiling.
“Nice segue, Taylor. Smooth, confident, obvious but not too obvious,” he commented. “I’m impressed.”
“What can I say? I’ve got talent.”
“You do. You truly do. And my classes are going swimmingly, how are yours?”
“Shitty. And I guess I’ll see you later so we can continue this stimulating conversation,” I added as we approached Jake’s residence hall and he steered his steps towards the entrance.
“Oh, I look forward to it,” he joked in response. “See ya. Don’t forget to tell Bianca!”
“Don’t forget to shut up!” I called back in retaliation, walking towards my own dormitory. I could hear my friend laughing behind me as he disappeared inside and I chuckled to myself, shaking my head and nearing Aden Hall.
As I entered my dorm and rode up the elevator, I found myself realizing that I was actually in a pretty decent mood, aside from my worries about Bianca drama, for the first time in quite a while. The weather had improved immensely by mid March and this particular day it was sunny and about 70 degrees outside. Just the fact that I was able to go outside without a coat for the first time in months was enough to put me in a good mood. Plus, it seemed that especially in light of my self-inflicted distancing from my best friend, Jake’s presence always made me a bit happier. Even when he was annoying me, which he definitely was. I smiled and waved to Anna as I stepped into my hall.
“Hey, Taylor, how are you?” she asked me, chipper as ever. I suddenly regretted waving to her. Now I was going to have to talk to her.
“Fine, Anna. You?” I replied politely.
“Good.” She smiled and nodded. “How’s Jake?”
“Fine,” I told her slowly, not failing to notice the giggle that had accompanied her question. It was a little weird, to say the least.
“Good to hear. Well, I better get back to my room. I’ve got some studying to do.” She turned to head back down the hall, but my curiosity was about to kill me.
“Wait, Anna,” I requested as calmly and nonchalantly as possible. She turned back around to look at me, still smiling that annoying little smile of hers. “You...know Jake?”
“Oh yeah, of course.” she responded. “I let him in the other day when he came here to see you and we talked a bit while he waited. So cute.”
“Oh. Okay.” Although I couldn’t explain why at the time (I could now, but I won’t), this information bothered me. The idea of Jake being friends with someone beautiful and perfect like Anna was bad, my mind told me. Very bad. So much for my good mood. “Well, see you later, Anna.”
“See ya!” she replied brightly, smiling even wider and wandering back to her room. I sighed and turned to my own room. I tried the doorknob and it was unlocked, so I threw my keys back into my purse and stepped inside. The sight which greeted me is one that will be forever ingrained in my mind whether I like it or not.
“Oh my God!” I exclaimed, turning away from Bianca, who was most definitely seated on Justin Timberlake’s lap and making out with him. She was also definitely not wearing a shirt, and I was flooded with a million different thoughts, mostly consisting of “WHY THE HELL DID THEY NOT LOCK THE DOOR?” and a few things about hating both of their guts which I would prefer not to share as I am ashamed for thinking them. “Sorry. Oh God. Sorry. I’ll go.” I hurried out the door but it didn’t take Bianca long to throw her shirt on and follow me.
“Tay, wait!” she called after me and I turned around to see her standing in the hall, fully dressed and looking flushed.
“You could lock the door, you know. Or stop humping people if you hear the door opening. That could be good too,” I told her snippily. She grimaced.
“I know. I’m sorry. I just got a little caught up in the moment. I’m sorry,” she apologized again. “But, hey, Justin and I are back together!”
“Clearly,” I replied shortly. She obviously wasn’t aware that this news would not make me feel better about things. In fact, it made me feel worse. A lot worse. I knew he was planning to get back with her, but I had actually started believe that she would never allow it, which would have fixed all of my problems. Except for the one where I still kind of wanted Justin for myself, but that was the least of my worries. “Look, don’t worry about it, okay? I’ll just go back to the library and you guys can continue you’re little...whatever.”
“Oh, no, don’t do that! I’ll feel bad,” Bianca whimpered pathetically. Sometimes I really hated that girl. Seriously. “Justin and I were going to go out, anyway. So we’ll go and you can stay. I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave.”
“Well I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave,” I retorted.
“Well I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave.”
“Too bad, because I don’t want you-“
“Okay, okay,” Justin cut me off as he stepped out into the hall and slid his arm around Bianca’s shoulder. I did my best not to look at him. At all. “Y’all need to stop going back and forth like this. Taylor, seriously, you should just stay here, ‘cause B and I were leaving anyway.”
“We were,” Bianca agreed and I glared at my feet in lieu of actually glaring at Justin. How dare he just talk to me like everything was normal and all right? I did not appreciate it.
“Well, I don’t want to ruin-“I began, but Bianca interrupted me.
“Tay, come on. We’re leaving anyway. In fact, I’m going to go freshen up and then we’ll be gone, okay? Don’t worry about it.” She then hurried down the hall towards the bathroom, not giving me a chance to respond and leaving me alone with Justin.
I had known that seeing Justin again was inevitable and as such had been inventing imaginary scenarios of how this moment would go. They had varied from him declaring his undying love to me to us getting in a fight or just acting as though nothing had happened at all. I had a feeling that the latter was the most likely and now that we were standing there silent and alone in the hallway, it seemed I had been right. It felt like an eternity before I finally decided to just go in my room and shut the door so I wouldn’t have to talk to him. You know, in case he ever tried to talk to me. Leaving my gaze on my feet, I silently walked past Justin and into the room. I began to shut the door, but just moments before I was free from the uncomfortable situation, he stopped the door by grabbing it. I sighed and kept my back to him, directing my annoyed gaze at the wall.
“So, what, you’re not talking to me now?” he inquired, sounding a bit hurt. I started to feel guilty for that before I realized that he had no right to be hurt. If anyone had the right to be hurt it was me. And Bianca, although she didn’t know enough to be hurt.
Biting my lip, I kept my gaze fixed on the wall and didn’t say anything. I could feel him step closer to me as he sighed and spoke again. “Look, I’m really sorry you had to see that-”
“I don’t care,” I finally interrupted, rolling my eyes despite the fact that he still couldn’t see them.
“You don’t care that you saw it or you don’t care that I’m sorry?”
“Take your pick. I just don’t care.” The emotionless. voice that I heard echoing throughout the room didn’t sound like mine, but it must have been. It certainly wasn’t Justin’s.
“Walls,” he sighed simply. The monosyllable probably wouldn’t have made sense to any flies on the wall of my room, but I knew what he meant. He was analyzing me again, determining that my saying I didn’t care was just my putting up walls to keep myself from feeling bad about the situation. And now, for the first time in my short life, I am going to admit something: he was probably right. I didn’t feel like being angry, or sad, or anything else that I normally would have been as I stood there with my back to my best friend’s boyfriend as he attempted to act as though there was nothing unusual going on that I should be upset about. So I made sure I wasn’t.
"Don't," I muttered softly.
"Fine, you're right. I wouldn't want to actually make you show emotion." Now he actually sounded sort of spiteful, which was not something I had ever heard from Justin. It threw me off a bit and made my stomach form knots of anger. I glanced back momentarily to deliver my tight lipped retort.
"No, because then you might have to take responsibility for it. Can't have that." I whipped my head back around to my wall.
"Who says I don't take responsibility for-"
“Justin, sweetie, why are you talking to Taylor’s back?” Bianca, my savior and the best friend I didn’t deserve, questioned, returning and interrupting whatever semblance of a conversation Justin and I had been having. I turned around slowly to look at her as Justin stopped mid-sentence to slide his arm around her shoulders again and she looked at us both quizzically.
“I think she prefers it that way. You know, no having to look at my ugly mug,” he joked in an infuriatingly nonchalant manner, placing a kiss on Bianca’s perfect forehead as she laughed. Well, he was half right.
“You know, Taylor, you really should be nicer to my boyfriend,” Bianca scolded me playfully. I just shrugged, not really having anything to say in response. I had been plenty nice to her boyfriend and we all see where that got me. Being nice to other people’s boyfriends is highly overrated.
“We should probably get going, B,” Justin intervened, all the while staring at me with a barely masked look of pain on his face. It was driving me crazy, the way he was acting as though he was entitled to be hurt. He was not. He was the one who had made all the decisions here. He got what he wanted and then some. Jerk.
“Okay,” she agreed with a nod. “See ya, Taylor.”
“Bye.” I waved and watched their retreating backs, fighting to keep any emotions from entering my system as I closed the door behind me and fell onto my bed. My hand flew over to the telephone and I dialed Jake’s number almost instinctively.
“Yo,” he answered and I almost smiled a little.
“Hey, it’s me,” I responded, fingering a loose thread on the blue afghan my mother had made for my bed.
“Needed another fix of my unique brand of intellectual stimulation, did we?”
“Something like that,” I sighed. “I’m having the worst day of my life right now.”
“Really? I leave you alone for two seconds and you’re already having the worst day of your life?”
“Yes. Want to come over and fix it with some movies and popcorn and friendly banter? And maybe a little bit of an explanation as to why you didn’t tell me you and Anna are getting all friendly?”
“Who’s Anna? And did you tell Bianca yet?”
“Worst day of my life, Jacob. Please save questions which make me want to shoot myself for another time.”
“I’ll take that as a no.”
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