BACK TO NORMAL
I hadn't seen her in, well ever since that incident in the hotel. I had talked to her sure, but we had the tour and everything.
I came back home for Christmas hoping I could see her and we would be able to talk some things through. We talked like normal best friends on the phone, leaving all our mixed up feelings forgotten in our conversations.
And then I would hang up with her, and there it was. I would always get this urge to call her back and confess how much I was in love with her. Then I would hit myself and tell myself I was just missing her.
So, I was pretty upset when I found out she had gone up to North Carolina with her family to visit her grandparents for her whole Christmas Break. She wasn't getting back until January 7th.
She had left me a message.
She had also left me a letter in the mailbox of the beginning of a treasure hunt to her Christmas present for me.
I swear I searched our whole neighborhood for those stupid books she had gotten me.
Yeah, books. Surprised?
I'm smart, folks. I read!
She had left them at different people that knew me around the neighborhood's houses. I'll have to GET her for making me go over to the Cobberson's. They have a 15-year-old girl and a 13-year-old girl.
Yeah, and what would you know, that they were having their GIRL SCOUT MEETING at the time I went over there!!
I think Meredith planned that...
Anyway, the gift was awesome. I'm sure she spent too much on the books I had told her I wanted. I had given her this list of books I wanted for Christmas and told her just to get me one. She got me all 5! The new one about Micheal Jordan is AWESOME!
So, I've spent Christmas with just my family and...BRITNEY!
Yeah, just between you and me, she's starting to get REALLY annoying. I mean she's great and everything and she's fun but I never get to see her, and when I do its all about well bluntly said, SEX!
And you might not believe me, but that's not ALL I'm about!
So it's January 7th and I'm just waiting for Meredith to get home. She said she would call me. She's hasn't called.
It's almost 8:30 at night. They aren't the type of family to get home that late.
I've already given her my Christmas gift through the mail. She made me. I got her like a lot of little stuff. I got her some sheet music because she says she's been trying to write music a little. I'm so proud of her.
I also got her a book of plain paper, like a drawing book. She says she's started to write a lot. I can't wait to read some of her stuff. She says her English and Creative Writing teacher's think she really has a talent. But she wanted the book to be able to write down her story and essay ideas.
And then I got her this black BCBG dress she said she was in love with but it was too expensive for her to buy. Yeah right. She's got money.
But, she's not a big spender at all.
So I got that for her because she was obsessed with it. Plus, I think she would look stunning in it.
God, I wish she would get home.
I kinda don't want her to either. Because then we have to talk. And I'm really afraid of what that might do to my life.
I'm scared if something does happen that I will leave Britney. I just can't leave her in the dust, ya know? And lord, what would the media do!?
As I've told you many times before: I'm quite confused.
Oh YES! The phone just rang.
"Hello?" I asked hopefully.
"Hey, Curly! Whatsup man?" It was Chris.
I sighed, maybe too loud beside Chris was offended, or mocked offended. It WAS Chris. "Man, fine then. LATER!"
"Chris, I'm sorry I'm just waiting on a call."
"Why don't you just go over and see her, you live like 2 feet away from her!"
"How did you know she was the one I was waiting on?"
"Because I was coming over to give you this stuff Johnny gave me about the Superbowl preview stuff and when I turned the corner Meredith was walking out to the mailbox."
"WHAT? SHE'S HOME?" She didn't call. I was to say the least, upset.
"Chill man, they just got home. In fact, I just gave her the go ahead to go on over to your house."
"SEE YA IN A SECOND JUSTIN!" I heard in the background.
She was home.
I didn't even say goodbye with Chris before I bolted out the door. There she was. Walking up my driveway with sweatpants, a big T-shirt, her hair pulled back in a loop ponytail and her glasses on. I bet she was tired from traveling all day.
She was looking down and sorting through the stack mail she had. I smiled at her; she didn't even seem to notice me.
Chris was pulling up in his car behind her, flashing his lights, and honking the horn.
She just ignored him.
And me.
"HEY YODA!!" I screamed and threw my arms open, wide.
I bet I looked like a freak.
Especially when she kept walking to me. I thought she was walking into my hug, but instead she bumped into me and looked up.
"OHH I'm sorry. Didn't see you there." And she continued, towards my house. I watched her unbelieving as she walk straight up my front steps and into my house.
It was the best site I had seen in about 4 months.
"Yo Curly. You gonna let her walk all over you like that!?" Chris said getting out of the car.
I snapped out of my daze and ran after her. I found her in the living room, Dr. Pepper in hand, a paper plate of the pizza I hadn't finished for dinner and just left sitting out. She was in mid bite when I plopped down on the couch with her. She was watching 'Who wants to be a millionaire?'
With a mouthful of pizza she looked at me and nodded. "Sup?"
I just shook my head and took her pizza and Dr. Pepper and sat it aside and hugged her.
She wasn't getting off that easy.
"I'm trying to watch Regis here, Justin!" She pushed me away and scoffed like I should have known better.
She was acting, I knew it. She wanted to laugh SO hard.
Chris came over to the recliner in my living room, plopped down and stole a piece of pizza.
"NUH UHH!! THAT'S MINE!" I watched in amusement as my best friend got up and tackled my other best friend just for a piece of pizza.
Man, I love them.
Finally Chris gave in. HE actually started to feed her like a baby as she sprawled across his lap like he was her daddy.
"FINE! You want to be all over Chris GO AHEAD! I'm going up to my room!" I shouted and stormed upstairs.
I can act too.
I waited for her, or him, whoever to come up and joke with me. But after about 10 minutes neither of them had come up.
I hope neither of them had messed up my house. I went to my door that I had slammed shut for dramatic effect and was about to re-open it when I heard someone run up the stairs and towards my door.
I opened it before she had a chance to do anything else.
She ran straight to me and hugged me so tightly I thought I wouldn't be able to breathe.
"It's good to see you." She mumbled into my shirt.
"I'm glad you're home." I pulled back and looked at her. She rubbed under her eyes. "Why are you crying?"
She gave me a pitiful look. "I don't know! It's your fault. Everytime I see you after NOT seeing you for like more than 2 weeks I go all emotional."
I laugh at her tone and pulled her towards my big sleigh bed. "Get anything good for Christmas?"
I plopped down on my bed and lay on my stomach not thinking anything of it. She remained standing.
"Yeah. I got an awesome BCBG dress from a friend. But I don't really like him that much. I'll keep the dress though." She giggled when I gave her an annoyed look.
"Well, thanks for the books. You shouldn't have gotten them ALL. And you DEFIENTALY shouldn't have made me gone over to the Cobberson's." I glared at her and she smiled brightly.
"You know you loved it! Get me any Girl Scout cookies." She laughed at her own joke.
I flicked on the TV in my bedroom and started channel surfing. "Is Chris still here?"
"Nah. He left that stuff for you on kitchen table. He said he'd call you tomorrow or something. He's going over to Danielle's."
"Oh OK." I looked at her funny and patted the spot on the bed beside me. I spoke like she should have known better. "Get up here."
She looked down at the floor. "Uhh, I don't think that would be a great idea, Justin."
I looked at her as she stood there looking like a child in trouble. It dawned on me what she was afraid of. "I won't try anything, I promise."
She looked up in my eyes and I knew she had been struggling with this.
Probably a whole lot more than I had.
"You're not the one I'm worried about."
I didn't know what she meant by that until she began to blush. I realized she was talking about herself.
It was thrilling and exciting and wonderful to know she was having the same thoughts as I had begun to have a few months before. But it was also scary.
It scared me to know that she didn't trust herself with me, anymore.
And I couldn't help but ask. "Are things ever going to be the same between us?" I sat up and looked at her straight in the eyes. "Or have we really screwed this up?"
She turned her head to the side and I thought she was going to say something to get out of the conversation. I thought she would run home, or just avoid me like she did so many other times.
But she didn't.
"I told you before Justin. I love you. Too much. And you have to decide. I WILL not let you drag me along to be seconds to Britney. You need to be straight up with me. Am I just your best friend or is there more? And if there IS more I cant share that. I don't care if you call it selfish; that's just the way I work."
She seemed so sure of herself. So confident.
Why did she have to be so sexy when I'm TRYING To figure this out?
"After I came back home from visiting you, I had a REALLY hard time trying to get over you. I tried so hard to forget you and my feelings. I've figured out that's basically impossible when you mean so much to me as it is. I didn't ask to be a part of your life just to be dragged around as a little play toy."
This wasn't sexy. She was MAD. Bitter. Actually it was REALLY sexy. Stop bad thoughts. STOP!
"You can't just decide you want to kiss someone; you get the urge and you think 'hey I got a best friend I can use'."
Wait a minute. "It's never been like that!!!" I couldn't believe she would think that.
"Yeah it has. Britney's not around so you get a little, what do they call it, uhh, HORNEY? And you decide you can use ME! WELL NO THANKS, JUSTIN! YOU CAN'T SCREW AROUND WITH MY FEELINGS. GOT THAT?!?"
I stared at her in shock.
We've NEVER got into a fight before.
I had NEVER heard her yell.
With her red face and furrowed brow she took in deep breaths to calm her anger. "It's gotten worse at school Justin. Since you and Britney have come out in the open so to speak, people keep talking about it. I got about 20 copies of that Teen People article sent to me with yours and hers little confessions circled and highlighted. Do you KNOW what that does to me? I hear it from you. I hear it from HER. I HEAR IT FROM MYSELF that you are not mine! I don't need the people I can't stand the MOST to tell me too!"
"I'm so-"
"Let me guess; you are SORRY? Yeah, I've heard it a million times. I know I shouldn't blame all this on you. And I shouldn't be this angry. But..." She stopped, sighing and shaking her head.
"But what?"
"I don't know...My feelings are so mix up right now. And the worst part is my feelings are so defined and sharp that they stick out and everyone notices them. Like now. I'm a little angry. But it makes me look like a psychopath because..I DONT KNOW WHY, JUSTIN! HOW THE HELL DID I LET YOU DO THIS TO ME!?!"
She paced the floor.
She wasn't mad at me, though. If she was, she would have jumped on me, looked at me, something. Instead, she paced the floor and gripped at her hair and mumbled to herself.
She was hating herself for letting herself fall for me.
And that broke my heart.
After a while she stopped and looked at me. "You asked if things will ever be the same. No, they wont. I can't just forget how I feel about you. I don't think will ever be back to normal, Justin. Ever."
She turned and walked to my bedroom door. I just sat there, almost tempted to cry. She couldn't give up on me. God I hope not. Not now.
"Wait." She stopped and opened the door, looking back at me, waiting for me to finish. My mouth was dry and I could barely speak more than a whisper.
"That doesn't have to be a bad thing, Meredith." I cleared my throat. "I don't want us to JUST be friends. I don't want to go back to normal."
She licked her lips and looked down at the floor, again. "I don't either."
She looked up and attempted a smile. It wasn't full, but it was the most beautiful thing I had seen all day. "I have school tomorrow. I'll come over once school's out and we can watch TRL or Sally." I laughed a bit at our many times I remembered us watching Sally Jesse Raphefal together. "I just want to go back to me and you for a while. Just friends, OK? I need that. I don't want it. But I need it."
"I'll do whatever you want or need." God, I'd do whatever she wanted or needed right then.
If she asked me to go run around the neighborhood naked I would have.
If she had asked me to cut off my hand and give it to her, I probably would have.
If she had asked me to call up Britney and dumb her at that very second, I definitely would have.
"OK. Well, see ya tomorrow then."
"OK. Bye Mere." I waved slightly and heard the door click shut. It wasn't until after I heard her run down the steps and slam the front door did I plopped back on my bed and spend the rest of the night laying there, thinking of what I had done to deserve this.
What had I done to deserve all this confusion and heart ache?
What had I done to deserve her?
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