Staring up at the ceiling above me I laid wondering how the hell I got myself into this god-forsaken mess. I kept my eyes fixated on the crackled walls, I knew if I moved my attention else where I’d be overwhelmed and eaten away with guilt. He was never supposed to feel, I could’ve prevented this, but yet I let it happen. I let him welcome me into his heart. I really disgusted myself sometimes, and this was one of those times.
I wasn’t ready for what he wanted; god only knows what he told his friends about us. I hadn’t even wanted a relationship with him; I just needed someone to be there for me, when things got too rough for me to handle alone. I needed a shoulder to cry on, arms to hold me, give me a sense of security when I had lost all hope. Groaning in misery I plagued my mind to find a way out of this. I thought women were always the ones to fall too soon; this wasn’t the case at all. He was the one that went ahead and fell; he didn’t deserve this or me. Why couldn’t I have been the one to drown in a sea of emotion? What was it about me that he was so intrigued by; sometimes I’ll never understand him or men in general.
I heard him begin to fuss next to me, in his rumpled half of sheets. He tugged some, pulling my barrier down past my chest, exposing me to his view if he were to open his eyes. Normally I wouldn’t have minded but lately he made me incredibly nervous. For once in my life I felt vulnerable to a man. Cringing lightly, I rolled off the side of the bed, stepping onto the cool hardwood floor. Cursing at the obnoxiously loud creak my sudden weight produced, I prayed it didn’t wake him. The last thing I had wanted to hear right now was his ramblings of love.
Sometimes I wondered if he actually realized what he was saying half of the time he spoke to me.
“Diana.“
Shit. There went my thinking time I’d been praying for. I had to think quickly, leaning down I picked up the closet thing I could grab which happened to be his white dress shirt from the night before. Holding it in front of my body, it was my weak attempt to cover myself as I carefully turned around.
“What are you doing baby? Come back to bed and keep me warm.“
Damn me to hell for having hormones. His offer was tempting, too tempting in fact. I could feel my body fighting with my heart; I needed to stop this before the situation escalated any further.
“I think we need to talk.“ There I said it, finally.
He gave me a look of confusion; just as he was about to speak I could hear the shrill ring of his cell phone beckoning him in the background.
“Hold on a sec Di.“
Rolling my eyes dramatically I knew this routine all too well by now.
“Baby, I’ve gotta-“
I stopped him with a wave of my hand, “Go be Lance Bass of Nsync.“
Saying no more, I walked out of his bedroom toward the shower, hoping that this could be the one thing to help clear my mind. I hadn’t even bothered to tell him goodbye or anything along those lines, I just wanted out of that room as fast as possible.
Every time I got stuck in a room with Lance, I felt as if I were being suffocated, he ripped the air from my lungs on occasion. None of it was intentional on his part; to him he’s being the loving boyfriend he’s always wanted to be. Yet here I was crying out for an escape, a light at the end of the long darkened tunnel.
Stepping into the scalding spray of water, I jumped at its intense heat, and then moaned softly at its soothing touch. He had put me through an emotional hell, Lance did things I wished he hadn’t. I didn’t want him to bring me home a dozen red roses, or spend obscene amounts of money on me because he thought I would like the gift. I wanted his friendship, respect and understanding. I got none of that. The day he crossed the thin line between friendship and lust, I had lost the one man so important in my life. I knew I could never have the old Lance back; the Lance I once knew was lost forever.
I had lost track of my awareness of time, the water had long grown cold, my fingertips deeply pruned. Shutting off the steady flow of water, I stood in a daze. Reaching for a towel, I carefully wrapped it around my now flushed body. Sighing heavily I knew what I had to do.
Making my way back into the bedroom, I stared at the scene before me. Lance hadn’t obviously bothered with straightening up the bed sheets, clothing still strewn haphazardly across the floor. Shaking my head, I walked over to his oak desk; pulling out the chair I lowered myself into it. Grabbed a loose piece of paper, and a ball point pen, I began to write.
Lance,
I don’t even know where to begin, or if I should even do this at all. There’s a lot I’ve been wanting to talk about with you, but it seems that every time I’d work up the courage to tell you, Nsync needs you for something. It’s not that I mind because I don’t that’s your career I completely respect that. I’ve done a good bit of thinking on the days you leave me here alone with my thoughts. You’ve changed Lance, changed a lot. If you asked your band mates they’d say that I’m crazy, that you’re still the same old Lance Bass. Not to me, not ever. I never asked you to fall in love with me, yet somewhere deep in my heart I knew it was inevitable, it was bound to happen. You wanted this picture perfect girlfriend; well I’m anything but. I’m not girlfriend material, I don’t want to be somebody’s someone, I want to be my own person, to live for me and only me. I’m not ready to be responsible for someone else, or to worry about anyone else by myself. I’m horribly selfish Lance you don’t deserve that. I told you from the beginning, I needed someone to be there when the pressure was to great, you filled those shoes, but now, it’s as if I no longer know you. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say to you anymore. If you’re considering you and I a relationship, it needs to stop. Stop thinking we’re something we aren’t, stop telling your friends you’re in love with this great girl, because it’s not the truth. I can't handle that, nor do I want to right now. You may be ready for such a trivial thing as love, but I on the other hand am not. Maybe we’ll see each other at another time and place, but for now, I need to be away from you, far away. Things went wrong, horribly wrong, and now they need distance to patch up, if they repair or not. This just needs to be left go, thrown to the wind, because my heart isn’t ready. You need to understand my side, because I don’t think you ever did.
Always,
Diana
Dropping the pen onto the desk without a second thought, I did something I hadn’t done in years, something I had forced myself not to do. I cried. The stream of tears stained my face as I curled up on the small wooden seat and bawled to myself. The bottled up emotions had finally broken through my hardened exterior.
Moving to the floor, I had eventually cried myself to sleep. My body curled up in a tight ball, I held my knees tightly to my chest. I had drifted off moments before Lance walked through the door downstairs.
Tossing a few papers on a nearby chair, Lance began unbuttoning his shirt while ascending the stairs. All he wanted to do was crawl back in bed with his girlfriend, that girlfriend being me. Waltzing down the hallway, he pushed the door open softly expecting to see me sleeping peacefully on the bed; he was shocked to see my figure balled up on the floor. He took immediate notice to my puffy reddened cheeks, obvious features that I had been crying. Carefully making his way toward me, he saw the paper sitting at the edge of the desk. Picking up the sheet he began skimming over it.
His eyes widened, as realization hit him hard. He had done everything he had promised he wouldn’t. He had fooled me into thinking he could be that one person I would trust. Throwing the paper carelessly to the ground, he dropped to his knees, pulling me into his arms.
I hadn’t even bothering to open my eyes, I just clutched onto him as he held me, the security he once gave off, slowly filtered back. I said nothing, nor did he, as we both had come to terms with realization and what it had done for us.
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