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When I first started this gig I’m not so sure I really understood what I was getting myself into. Hell, I don’t think any of us did. You’d think I had it made, talent, money and fame. What more could you ask for? I was at my breaking point and ready to willingly walk away from it all. How things got so clouded and strayed, I honestly couldn’t tell you. Things come and go so fast, it’s impossible to process it all. Just thinking about it makes my head throb.
I sat alone in my empty hotel room, my mind racing, plaguing me with worries that weren’t even my own. Glancing over at the small nightstand, the bold red lettering on the clock screamed out at me. Tearing my gaze from it, I tried to focus my attention elsewhere.
There were times I felt like I was living a complete and utter lie, like every word I said and every move I made was an unrealistic fantasy. No strings attached my ass. We may have had the creative freedom we wanted, but there were issues the media didn’t see behind closed doors. For once I wished that if I closed my eyes when I reopened them I wouldn’t have to face the insanity I called a life.
The soft taping on my door startled me from my thoughts, tearing me away from the alternate reality I tend to slip off to. After while I was going to let them just knock until they gave up, but something inside of me forced myself to my feet. Feeling the weight of my body settle in I groaned inwardly, as I trudged toward the door.
Whoever this was, had better be important, I get irritated when I’m ripped out of my dazes. Even though it was more or less a time where I sat staring into space trying to find a meaning to everything and anything.
Swinging the door open, I leaned my tired aching body against the wooden doorframe, not even bothering to pick up my eyes to see the figure before me. “What?“ My voice barely there, it was hoarse due to the amount of drinking I had done the previous night, I was still feeling the after effects.
Silently cursing myself for indulging in what I had thought was right at the time, I was now suffering greatly, and wallowing in self-pity once again like always. Some things just never changed.
After I hadn’t received much of a response, I lifted my heavied head, trying to focus my vision as it blurred off and on. My eyes reddened and bloodshot, two of the few symptoms of dry eyes and exhaustion.
“God you look like hell Josh.“
The light scolding I was met with produced a laugh from me, as I let it slip past my lips. My eyes settling on the woman before me, I tried my best to attempt even a weak smile, but I failed miserably, at least I was trying now.
Taking a few steps back into the room, I let her pass by me, the smell of junipers lingering behind, intoxicating my senses as always. Light flowery scents had always had that type of effect on me; I guess you could say I like a fresh clean aroma.
My eyes were tired and sore, I was definitely a sight to see that evening. Giving the young woman in front of me a once over glance, I sighed; everything was just the way I had remembered. Though my memory couldn’t do her beauty justice.
Her satiny blonde tresses rested in soft ringlets just above collarbone, I had a thing for those curls, maybe I just loved how they felt laced between my fingers. I could run my hands through her hair for hours on end, and she’d gladly let me too. At times it had seemed as a security blanket.
“Lissa you aren’t suppose to be here until next week.“ I had moved myself back over to the bed, this time I turned on the small lamp, giving the room a golden glow. I wasn’t quite sure why she had come a week early; she had probably talked to Chris. Somehow I knew somewhere inside of me, that was reasoning behind her unexpected appearance. “Honestly baby.“ I’m sure she didn’t want to endanger Chris, but I had to know regardless what brought her here.
I watched her fidget slightly as she played with the hem of her sweater; smiling to myself it was something she had always done when she got nervous. I liked the sense of innocence she gave off when it came to me; I think she was just as much of a worrier as I was.
“I..Chris called me.“ She hesitated before continuing, almost afraid that I would be upset with her or Chris. “Josh he said you were pretty bad.“
So my suspicions were in fact right, not that I had doubted them. Though it gave me some sort of comfort that Chris had let her know the way things were going, good or bad. Seeing her here now made me realize just how much that she truly did care about me. I now regret that I had one time underestimated her feelings; here she was proving me wrong all over again.
Rubbing my face with the palm of my hands, I let out a wavering sigh. I couldn’t tell her the truth, well at least not the whole truth, so it wasn’t like I was lying. I didn’t have the strength or the heart to lie to Melissa, it wouldn’t be fair to her just to keep her fumbling around in the dark like that.
~*~
Listening to her steady breathing, watching the rise and fall of her chest, I could feel myself slowly being drawn in as if I was being hypnotized. Everything around her sleeping figure became a blur as my eyes focused solely on her. The cotton sheet skirt around her waist, leaving the rest of her body exposed to my view. Melissa was truly gorgeous inside and out.
Yet here I was lying in bed with her knowing the skeletons in my closet were about to be let out, I don’t know how I was still living with myself for doing this. Though like I said, I hadn’t exactly lied to her, I just didn’t tell her everything. Good one Chasez listening to your ego, not wanting it bruised, ha now I’m sounding like Justin.
I was tempted to just call Chris and have him take her into his room for the night, I couldn’t deal with the weight of my problems with Melissa sleeping in the same bed as myself. There was one that stuck out prominently in my mind, more so now that my own girlfriend was within reaching distance.
My heart was torn in two, emotions on an all time high, though it was all headed for a dead end with no way back. I was cornered, trapped in my own mind with no signs of life or hope. Some say that they wouldn’t change the past because it made them who they are, yet I wonder if that applies to me. Hardly, I just wished I could take back some of my actions, not entirely everything that had played out. Feeling my heart twist, I knew what I was thinking was wrong, but how could I stop myself?
Going against my better judgment I leaned over toward the small night stand feeling for my compact cellular, finding it I pressed in the numbers that had now began to grown accustom to my memory. Placing it to my ear, I listened to the incessant ringing. I let out a breath of relief when the answering machine picked up, silently thanking god. Just what was I going to say if there was an answer?
Hearing the soft voice ramble on, I fought back a smile. Granted I barely remember the night itself, I wasn’t going to forget that it happened all together. Not bothering with a message, I pressed the off button. Staring at the phone, I realized I had actually needed to hear that voice. Groaning, I tossed the phone onto the floor, pushing the stray thoughts from the back of my mind, forcing them to the present time.
~*~
Waking with a bolt I sat up in bed, sweat beading my forehead. My breathing erratic, t-shirt slightly dampened as it stuck to my back. Sighing I had realized it must have been a nightmare, wouldn’t be the first time I had suffered from those.
Letting my eyes scan the room, they drifted to the sleeping body next to mine. Something seemed so different, I couldn’t place exactly what it was, shrugging it off, I laid back down this time on my side. Draping an arm over her body, I sighed contently. I still felt that pang in my stomach that something was wrong.
Her skin seemed darker, almond tinted, Melissa was anything but that. Feeling my pulse rise I tried to calm myself mentally, having no such luck I closed my eyes. The vision before me though unclear appeared familiar. Opening my eyes slowly the image disappeared. Weird.
Trailing my fingertips down the side of my lovers arm, I crept up off of the bed, not wanting to disturb her slumber. Finding myself a piece of paper, and a pen, I began writing, what I wasn’t exactly sure. After awhile I had just began doodling. Dropping the pen, my mind froze at what had been scrawled across the sheet.
~*~
Dreams blurred my lines between fantasy and reality, so much that sometimes it scares me. Tossing and turning throughout the night I had been trapped in my own mental prison, a hell that I couldn’t seem to escape from. A hell that in fact very real.
Now here I sat perched on the arm of the small couch opposite the bed, Melissa’s body still enveloped in sleep. Love is a curse, or so I’d like to think at times. Melissa had made me feel things I thought I had forgotten how to. This woman made me think, constantly having me on edge ready for something new, to embrace a new view. Cringing in disgust, I amazed myself. How could someone so innocent let someone like me love them? It baffled me. Or maybe even my fate wasn’t to be played out with Melissa at my side. Maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson the hard way, if that were true, he certainly wasn’t easing up on me. Dropping my eyes to the floor I had only begun to realize my past was unavoidable any longer. Things had finally caught up with me, only to rear its ugly head.
Hearing Melissa stir in her sleep, my anxiety increased, the beat of my heart pumped faster, my nerves wearing down to a threadbare state. Everything, and I meant everything had to come out in order to reach some sort of closure with myself. As for making what was once wrong, right. I knew that, only Melissa could decide. She held my so called sanity, or lack there of, in the palm of her hands, and was completely oblivious to it.
Completely clueless of my reality, the faded lines in which I couldn’t distinguish any longer. Unaware of my unstableness, not knowing the pain never dulled or subsided. The one thing I couldn’t seem to control; my reality.
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