It was a calling.
I stepped into that airplane and watched as the world disappeared beneath me. As the pilot gave me thumbs up I opened the door and looked out at the white clouds. The land was so far down and for the first time in what seemed like forever, I was scared.
But I sucked that up and jumped out the door. I was flying again and it never felt so good. I was taking flight flapping my wigs as my eyes closed and I soared through the air.
Three thousand feet came and I pulled the string to my shoot and it opened with a loud whoosh and I glided back to earth with my hopes soaring and my spirit flying high
Finally, when my feet hit the ground I sighed a sigh of pure happiness.
Finally, I felt alive.
This sucks ass. I’m sitting home alone bored out of my mind because I opened my big mouth and said something things to Lauren I never meant. She took that the wrong way. She yells at me and expects me to sit there and listen to it?
Is she out of her mind?
So I'm resting today, sitting here on the couch in my boxers being a true bachelor and enjoying it.
Sort of.
No doubt she’s at home just twiddling her fingers thinking about what a bitch she was. She’s going to call. Any second now.
Any second now.
How much of a jackass am I?
Don’t answer that, please.
I grab the bag of spicier nacho Doritos chips and chow down until my mouth is on fire. And I’m to fucking lazy to move. So I sit here with my mouth blazing hot watching.... Something on Regis and Kelly and being bored.
Where is she anyway?
I’d thought she would have called to apologize by now.
The little prick, thinking he can just say that to me and get away with it. I slam my jacket on my bed and glare out the window. Who does he think he is?
Oh that’s right. He’s Justin Timberlake, god of preteen girls.
Well you know what? That’s just fine and dandy, peachy keen if you ask me. Because I meant what I said. I can do anything and everything without him by my side.
And who said I had to hold his hand through everything? Not me. Pardon mio, it wasn’t me. I might sound like a bitch, but guess what? I don’t care. I was voicing my opinion to him and he jumps down my throat.
Fuck that. I’m not going down that road.
So yeah say what you want.
I sigh as I plop down on the bed. “I just wish he was here.” I whisper softly as I close my eyes.
I turn my head to the left and open my eyes to see our picture on the nightstand. It was one we had done by a professional. She was good. I think he name was Jenny, Jinni, Jana, something along those lines. I really don’t remember.
But the background is perfect. Filled with bright yellow lilies. We standing there, I’m looking at him as he looks at the camera. It’s sweet, which’s when we were together. The smile on his face is bright and cheerful.
And I wish things were like that still.
Bright and cheerful.
But things change, people change, I've changed.
He's.... changed.
And I wish it were just like that.
Bright and cheerful.
But it never is, and it never will be.
It’s five after ten and I’m thinking the worst of things. What can she be doing? She hasn’t called to apologize. Does she think I’m going to? Well she’s wrong.
The funeral is in two days. I’m not sure if she keep the appointment with Mr. Jones or not.
I hope she did. Her mom deserved the best. In life and after life.
It’s all the same anymore.
It’s twenty after ten an I’m thinking the worst of things
Where is she?
And why hasn’t she called?
It’s midnight and it’s taking every ounce of my being not to pick up that phone and apologize to him and have him come over and sleep in my bed with me because I’m scared. I’m not in the sense of scared, as in being afraid of the dark.
I’m scared of being alone. He’s always here, and I miss him being here.
But I’m not the one to apologize now. I can’t keep doing that. It’s bringing me down. And.... I can’t do that anymore.
It’s quarter after midnight and its taking every ounce of my being not to pick up the phone and apologize to him and have him come over. I can’t keep doing this.
I miss my mom.
And I miss him.
I miss him a lot.
It’s twenty minutes till one and she hasn’t called.
I’m really worried now.
I miss her.
I’m scared of not seeing her again.
It’s terrifying.
I miss her, a lot.
I should call.
I pick up the phone and turn it on only to listen to the dial tone and turn it off.
Why hasn’t she called?
It’s one o'clock in the morning and she hasn’t called.
And I’m really starting to worry now.
Really.
Black is surrounding me and it’s not fascinating anymore. I’m really starting to get scared of losing her.
It’s ten after one and I’m getting scared, more scared after every second, minute and hour. I’ve sat on this couch for I don’t know how long looking at the phone and waiting for it to rung. My hopes are down now.
And I’m really starting to get scared.
I can’t stand this.
I miss her already.
I miss her a lot.
It’s four in the morning and I haven’t gone to sleep yet. No doubt he’s sleeping like a baby without any worry. He’s undoubtedly thinking I’ll call him in the morning. But I won’t.
I sigh as I throw the blanket over my body and hug the pillow close. My eyes are closed but sleep never comes. I imagine Justin sleeping in bed; his body sprawled out in the middle, snoring like a baby.
I sigh as I look at the clock for the tenth time.
It’s four thirty in the morning, and I haven’t gone to sleep yet.
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