The alarm is buzzing by my head and I groan loudly as my arm extends out and knocks it onto the floor. I didn’t like the thing anyway.
Throwing the covers off of me I crawl out of bed and look at the calendar. It’s been two days since I’ve talked to Lauren. I feel bad because it was me who started all this. Today’s her mothers’ funeral. It was in the paper and she did keep the appointment with Mr. Jones.
I miss her.
I get up and head towards the bathroom to take a shower and get dressed in a nice black suit and shoes. Good thing my curls are gone because I don’t have the time to tame them. I run down the stairs and grab the keys and a small glass of orange juice and gulp it down.
I unlock the door and throw it open, dropping my keys in the process. I lean down and pick them up and catch something in the corner of my eye. I think it’s Lauren, but as I stand back up the image fades and I’m alone.
I sigh and shake my head as I head out and lock the door behind me.
First stop: flower shop.
Second stop: jewelry store.
Third stop: funeral home
And then finally we’ll be talking.
I hope.
I groan as I read the clock. It’s nine in the morning and I just fell asleep at seven. I’m running on empty and I don’t like it. I get out of bed and take a quick shower and dress in a long black dress with matching high heels and walk down stairs.
My eyes land on the empty bed and my heart falls to my stomach and I think I’m going to get sick. But I push that down and swallow it with a glass of ice water as I look at myself in the hall mirror. My eyes are shot and I look like I’m on some kind of drug. I know I shouldn’t be driving. But I have no choice. I walk to my medicine cabinet in the kitchen and open it, looking for sinus pills. I pop two into my mouth and take another drink of water.
That’ll help me stay awake.
I grab my keys off the stand and head towards the door dropping my glass of in the sink. I unlock it and look outside. The dog’s shitting in my yard again. But I don’t have the energy to yell at him. I see something out of the corner of my eye and I think it’s Justin’s car. But as I turn it fades.
I sigh as I wipe my eyes.
I feel like crying.
But I only sigh and walk to the car and fire it up and back out thinking that I’m alone in all this.
I have no shoulder to cry on anymore.
And it’s my fault.
I’m sitting here looking around and I don’t see her anywhere. She isn’t here yet or she’s in the bathroom. I wouldn’t doubt if she’d show up at all. This has to be hard for her. My mom walks up and sits by me. “Where’s Lauren?”
“I don’t know. We’re not talking.” I shrug.
“Justin go apologize.” She’s glaring at me. I hate when she does that. It’s like she’s disappointed in me.
Actually, I think she is. “I don’t know where she is.”
She sighs. “She’ll be here. She has something to say, I know she does.” She pats my hand and I can’t help but think she’s right.
Silence engulfs the room. Whispers are heard and my mom looks behind her and nudges me. As I turn around I see her walking down the isle with her head down. She looks up and our eyes lock, she smiles softly but I see the tear fall from her eyes and I stand up and walk towards her. “Hi.” I say softly.
She looks into my eyes with tears in her own. “Hi.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No I’m sorry.” She sighs and I sigh and it’s unbearable silence around us.
All eyes are on us.
“I was just trying to help out. I--”
“I know.” She smiles softly as she takes my hand and brings it up to her lips. The tears are hanging in her eyes and she closes them and one slides down her cheek. “I know you were trying to help.” She kisses my hand and a surge goes through my body like no other before and I smile softly. “I have to talk to you later on.” She looks around the room and smiles at everyone. “Hi.”
“Hello.” The group replied loudly and we laugh softly to each other. She drops my hand and walks to the front.
“Lauren?”
She turns around and raises her eyebrows. “Yeah?”
“Do you want me to sit with you?”
She smiles softly. “Yeah.”
I walk with her and she takes my hand in hers. We smile at each other and listen as the Reverend Richard says his grace. People come up and talk about how Kelly was outgoing and optimistic. But no one touched my heart more than when Lauren stood up and walked to the pulpit.
She sighed deeply as she looked out to the sea of people. “I stayed up late last night, thinking abbot my life with the people I love.” She smiles at me and I nod. “My mom was a very outgoing and optimistic person. But she was... so kind, and sweet, loving, and gentle. She wants you all to remember her as the person who jumped out of planes with me when I was fifteen.” She smiles softly. “But I want you to know another side of her. She was a great wife who would stand by her husband no matter what happened. But, when things got to being dangerous she chose my over my father.” She sniffs back tears. “And I need her and I'll miss her, and I love her. She spent everyday of her life teaching me how to love and be loved.” Out eyes lock, I smile softly as I feel my eyes tearing up. “And what and who would I be if I didn’t listen to her now?” She smiles softly. “My mom was indeed an outgoing and optimistic person. She was wild and dangerous. But she was also my loving, sensitive, caring mother. Who spent everyday of her life, devoted to me.” She shook her head and walked back to me and sat down beside me. She looked at me and I looked at her. I took her hand and she smiled softly and rested her head on my shoulder.
Now, I'm not alone.
Now, she’s not alone.
Now, we’re together.
But it isn’t forever.
Not yet.
I close the door behind us and lay my purse on the counter. “So...” Justin turns to me and hugs me tightly. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” I smile softly. “I have tot elk to you about something.”
“You’re speech was great. You touched everyone in that funeral home.”
“Yeah.” I nod and sigh. “Justin I heard you and my mom talk and--”
“Seriously my mom and I were crying. You’re aunt Sandy was balling. I felt so.. touched.” He smiles as he looks into my eyes.
“Justin will you just listen?”
“I am listening to you.” He says. But I know he’s not.
“No you’re not.” I grab his wrist and drag him towards the living room and sit him on the couch. He looks up at me in confusion as I stand before him. “Listen, please.”
“I am--”
“No. Just be... quiet for a minute.” I sigh.
“I heard you talking to my mom that day. I got out of the shower and I was heading down the stairs but your voices stopped me. I--”
“What?” He’s looking at me with confusion written across his face.
“Shut up! And please just listen!” I plop down on my knees and rest my hands on his. “You told me you loved me the other day. I told you I loved you back. Do you remember that?”
“Yeah.” He nods slowly.
“My head falls down to the floor and I sit down and let go of his knees and sit Indian style in my dress. Most un-lady like I know. “You said you loved me and I said it back. But you think it was just meant as a friend, I love you.” I sigh. “But I heard you talking to my mom that day. I was at the top of the stairs and I eavesdropped and listened in on your conversation with her.” I look up at him with tears in my eyes.
“I heard her say things to you that I haven’t heard in a long time.” I’m crying now and he’s sitting there staring at me, I can feel his eyes. But my own are glued to the floor. “I felt my heart.... tear as she told you how scared and how afraid I feel. Because I want to be remembered as tough and spunky.” I laugh softly through my tears. “But I’m not.” I look up at him and meet his sparkling blue eyes.
“I’m scared Justin. I’m scared to live without her in my life. I’m scared to not have anyone love me and I’m scared to die alone.” I sigh as the tears fall down on my hands.
“But most of all, I’m scared of not letting myself love you.”
He's speechless, his lips are moving but nothing’s coming out. “I-I-”
I stand on my knees and grab his hands. “I love you Justin. I’ve loved you for a very long time. No matter how much you pissed me off, no matter how much I argued that I couldn’t do this...” I took my hands and gestured between the two of us. “Again. I didn’t mean it. I want it as much as you do. I kiss you and I feel like I’m melting inside. No one has ever left a bigger impression on me as you have. You’ve touched my soul, and you hold my heart in the palm of your hands.” I smile softly.
“I don’t know if you know that. But you do. You’ve had my love since the first day I bullied you.”
He scratches the back of his head and pulls me to his feet after he stands. “Lauren.” He half laughs. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you to say that.”
And it’s pure bliss as his lips crash on mine.
It’s heaven on earth as he holds me in his arms.
And my life feels complete.
Almost.
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