I never really knew love until I saw Justin for the first time. No I mean after I started bullying him. After we got to know each other, and after he took me to the school dance. Right before he left to go on tour with NSYNC.
I fell in love.
Madly in love.
I never wanted anyone or anything to get between us as friends. But as more, everything seems to get in-between us. Nothing seems to be right.
But I swear this time around things will be different.
This time around there will be no cheating.
This time around there will be no hurting.
And this time around, there will be no secrets.
So why do I have this feeling that he’s keeping something from me.
I hate having this feeling. It was the same feeling I’d get when my dad would walk into my room when my mom wasn’t around. It’s a scary feeling. He went out today and he wouldn't tell me where he was going. No, he’s never kept anything a secret from me.
Of coarse with the exception of Britney.
Just thinking about her makes me angry.
I watch as the knob to the front door twists and he walks in with his head down. “Hey.” I stand up and walk towards him. But something tells me to stop. Don’t move and sit back down.
I’m gonna need to sit back down.
That feeling I was talking about. Yeah, it just got worse.
I never lie to her. I never keep secrets. But when she asked me where I was going this morning. I didn’t want to tell her.
I was going to the doctors.
Just for a regular check up of course. Maybe he could give me something to beat this heartburn. It comes almost every night. I never say anything to Lauren of course. Simply because I don’t want to scare her.
But she’s sitting there at the kitchen table with those blue eyes. I think she’s going to cry and she doesn’t even know what’s going on. She’s like that though. She likes to put up that hard shell so you'll back off. But deep inside there’s this scared little girl.
I really don’t want to make that little girl more scared than she already is.
I set down my keys and never lose eye contact with her. “Hey.” My voice is unsteady and it’s about to break. I clear it and smile briefly. It doesn’t last.
I think she knew that.
“Where’d you go?”
Her voice is so soft. So whisper like.
“Doctors.”
She’s staring at me, wondering what’s going on. I can tell in her eyes that she’s thinking the worst. “No. It’s not cancer.”
She sighs with relief. “Okay.” She nods.
“It’s a heart murmur.”
What?
What’s a.... Heart murmur?
I try to ask but my voice box isn’t working. I think I need a new one. I shake my head. “What’s a... a... heart murmur?”
He licks his lips and scratches the back of his head. “Something about irregular blood flow through my valves.”
“You’re... heart valves.”
“Yeah.” He nods. He wipes his face and I can see the tears.
I stand up and walk over to him and take him into my arms. “It’s going to be okay.” I stroke what hair he has left as he cries into my shoulder.
“I thought it was just heartburn. That burning in my chest.”
I close my eyes tightly and try to block this out. This is not just happening. This can’t be happening. I just lost my mom. I curse silently at god for doing this to me. “What... what can they do for it?”
“I have to go in tomorrow.” He gasps for air and tries to come down his cries. “For treatments and exams.”
“What kind of exams?” I let go of him and instantly I want to hold him again. I busy myself while brushing my fingers through my hair.
“I don’t know.”
“It’s okay.” He’s upset. I know. I'm upset.
I’m disoriented and I can’t think. Everything is just too stuffy. I can’t breathe. “Justin.”
He sniffs and looks up at me.
“I’ll be back.” I turn and walk out the door and close it softly behind me. I walk down the driveway and past the mailbox and down the street until I hit the corner of it where the light pole is. Where all the kids play. I finally sit down in a hump and cry.
She’s been gone for awhile and I’ve been through two of her bottles of Jack Daniels. I swear I will pay her back. The doctor said not to worry that in most causes it’s just ‘innocent’ it’s really nothing to worry about.
But then there are the slight few.
Those few that has to have surgery to fix a diseased valve.
I only have one question.
Am I in the most common cases, or am I one of the slight few?
I look at the bottle of Schnapps. It’s hard melon or something. My vision is blurred. I can’t really read it. I open it and taste it. I like and I might drink the whole bottle of this too. It all depends if I last through it without passing out.
I sigh and hop down from the counter.
Damn. The burning is beginning and the pounding in my ears. I don’t know if a headache is starting or if that’s my heart that the doctor as talking about.
He said that sometimes in cases the patients could hear their heart whooshing instead of the usual ‘lub dub’
The bottle drops from my hand and smashes into pieces and the smell of alcohol lifts up from the carpet into my nostrils.
I... I can’t breathe.
My hand reaches to my chest as the burning continues. It feels like someone has my heart and is crushing it. Just squeezing it to death.
Suddenly I’m dizzy and I try to make it to the phone but I trip and I hit something on my way down. And suddenly everything is... black.
My phone is ringing and I didn’t even know I had it on me. It must be a habit. “Hello?”
“Lauren?”
“Yeah?”
“Hon is Justin around? I’ve been trying to get a hold of him all day. I tried your house and no one answered. I tried his cell and no one answered. I tried JC, Chris, Joey and Lance. I can’t seem to find him.”
“What’s wrong Lynn?” I wipe the tears from my eyes and place on a strong voice.
“He said he had something important to tell me. He left it on my cell. I was at work; I couldn’t call him back until now.”
“He’s... out. I’ll have him call you okay?” My heart is racing as I stand up.
“Thanks honey.” The phone clicks and I shut it off and place it in my pocket and begin to run up the street and around the corner and up my driveway and slam the door open.
“Justin?” My eyes search everywhere and I noticed the two empty bottles of jack on the counter. I walk further into the house and through the hall into the living room and hear a crunch under my feet. I look down and see glass everywhere on the floor. I lean down and pick up the biggest piece. It’s my Schnapps.
I look around the room once more. “Justin?” Something catches my eye. Something out of place.
The dark red stain of blood and feet.
“JUSTIN!”
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