Noises.
Noises are all I hear as I stare at the TV. Radio Flyer is playing and once again I’m in the waiting room waiting to here from the doctor.
Déjà Vu.
“Miss Nichols?”
I stand up and walk to him. Double déjà vu. “I’m Lauren.”
“Hi. I’m doctor Onchez. Just call me doctor O.” His smile is nice and I can’t help but allow at tear to follow.
“How is he?”
“He’s... I wish I could say he was okay.”
I close my eyes tightly and pray.
“His blood alcohol level was twice over the limit.” He shook his head.
“He had just gotten the news that he has a heart murmur.” I mumble. “I kind of walked out because...” I trail off and wipe at my eyes. “My mom just passed away with a brain tumor and I--”
“It’s quite all right.” He nods. “Miss Nichols. Justin had a heart attack.”
Suddenly my world is crashing around me. I feel that I’m falling into this huge black hole. One where no one can save me.
Not even myself.
Everything is blurred as I blink several times to regain consciousness and sight. The sound of beeps are in the background and I feel someone rubbing my hand. I turn my head to the left and smile softly. Whether the smile made it through, I don’t know. All I know is that I did smile.
“Hey.” Her voice is soft and sweet as she kisses my forehead. “Want something to drink?”
I nod because I can’t talk. My throat is just not letting me. It’s to dry and it tastes awful. Like someone dumped chalk down my throat and.. It’s nasty. She brings the straw to my lips and I take a sip. But it burns the whole way down and I show the pain that I'm feeling as I scrunch up my face.
“You okay?”
“No.” I reply hoarsely. It’s like I’ve been yelling. Yelling at the top of my lungs.
This just sucks.
“I’m so sorry.” I look into her eyes. They’re bloody red. She must have stayed up all night waiting for me to wake up.
“You look like shit.”
She shakes her head. “Thanks. You too.”
“I just had a heart attack. What’s your excuse?”
Her frown is apparent and I know it was a joke. But I guess it was at the wrong time to be giving jokes. Yeah. I think so. “I’m okay.”
“You could have died.” She whispers.
I nod. “But I didn't.”
Tears trickle down her cheeks and I slowly reach up and brush them away. Just doing that kind of hurts. “I’m okay.”
“I was so scared.” She cries. Tears falling from her face. I just can't keep up with her. I can’t wipe every single one away. I just can’t. “You were laying there behind the chair and I only saw your feet and then I walked closer and I saw blood and your head.” She closes her eyes. “There was so much blood.”
I touch the pad on my head lightly. “I’m okay though. You came back and you found me.” I smile softly. “You saved me.”
“No.” She shakes her head. “Your mom saved you.”
“What are you talking about?” I’m completely confused.
“I didn’t save you Justin.” She stands up and walks towards the window. “I was down there at the corner street thinking and crying and thinking and crying.” She turns to me and the pain in her face is unbearable for me to see. “She called. She was looking for you. Said something about calling the house and you weren’t there.” Her voice cracks with tears and I can’t do anything. She’s to far away to touch.
Too far away to hold.
“I walked in and I swear I wanted to kill you for drinking so much.” She closes her eyes softly. “But then I saw you and I thought you were dead.”
“I’m right here.”
The door opens and she wipes away her tears as she turns back to face the window. I turn and smile softly. “Hey mama.”
“Hey.” Her voice is soft. I want to hold Lauren. But then again I just want my mom to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. “Am I interrupting something?”
She turns around and smiles. “No.” She shakes her head. She walks up to me and kisses my head softly. “I’ll talk to you later. “
I open my mouth but she’s gone and the click of the door finalizes that.
“I think I just lost her.”
My mom stares at me. She doesn’t know what to say.
And frankly, either do I.
No cab, no car. I’m walking on my own two feet. I used to walk with Justin everywhere. Unless it was a mile or two away. Then we’d drive.
I’m always conservational. Always. I don’t leave lights on after I leave a room. I don’t let the water run constantly. I don’t take showers five times a day. I’ve always been that way.
But something changed. Not me being conservational. No, that’s not it. It’s me. I changed. It’s not Justin; it’s not anyone else in this world. It’s me.
This new job? Yeah. It has its perks. Do I really want it? Yes, of course.
Can I afford its effects?
No.
What if something else happens? What if Lynn gets sick or one of the guys? What if Justin gets worse? I couldn’t handle being that far away and not being able to reach out and touch him and tell him it’s okay.
I just can't.
Yes, I walked out. But do you blame me? I was on my breakdown. I was at that point where it was all or nothing. Pick one or the other. Either way you’re going to lose. Either way I was going to say something that would hurt him. Either way I was going to do something to hurt me.
I just, I can't.
I can’t do this anymore.
I look over the cards and smile at the picture on the front. That’s the one. That’s the one I need. That’s it. I go to the register and pay far the item I selected. “Anything else?”
I begin to shake my head no but something catches my eye. “That.” I point.
“Good choice.” She smiles and wraps it up for me and I'm out of there.
I’m walking through the mall with my bag and I feel like everyone is watching me. They’re waiting to see what I’ll do.
Will she break?
Will she make it through?
I open the door to the exit and take a deep breath.
The thing is.... I don’t know.
I don’t know if I’ll break or if I’ll make it through.
All I know is that... I love him. That much is true.
That much has always been true.
Truer than true.
Number of reviews: 110
Print:
Chapter or Story