Sitting in the complete dark is fascinating to me. I'm like a slick black cat in an abandoned alley as I move through the house silently. Grabbing this and grabbing that in the middle of the night. So yeah. She called. She apologized and I forgave her. I mean it’s not like this day means all that much to me.
It’s not like on this day I hadn’t tried to kill myself two years ago.
I told her that and she sighed deeply and asked if I wanted her to come over.
Is she drunk? Is she on crack?
I told her I was fine and I’d call her tomorrow. She refused to let me go, but by the yawning on her end of the line I told her to get some sleep and I hung up. I wasn’t mad, no.
I was furious.
How can someone you know for practically your whole life forget something this serious? I shake my head to forget about all the things that are going through my mind. She’s forgetful, that’s all. She always has been. She’s a cold-hearted bitch sometimes. But I have to say I love her. I love her being my friend. She looks out for me from time to time.
She’s like the sister I never had.
I look out the kitchen window at the pale moon and sigh. It was just like this that night two years ago. But back then my life was a mess. It was a disaster; it’s something I’m not fond of.
It was raining that night and I had just got home from being at a club with my girlfriend. Britney was fantastic, especially in bed. Now she would deny that to her grave. But it’s the truth.
Trust me.
As I was saying, it was raining that night like cats and dogs and I couldn’t see at all. I didn’t remind myself to turn on the porch light. So I dropped my keys at least five times before I got inside. I dropped my jacket on the couch as I walked around and turned on a few lights.
After walking around and grabbing a cold beer from the fridge I sat down and pushed play on the answering machine.
‘Justin it’s your mother. Give me a call’
I had told myself I would do that tomorrow.
‘Justin it’s Lauren. Just checkin’ in on ya. Call me tomorrow’
And I said I would as if she was right there on the phone talking to me.
An assorted sound came from the machine before Britney’s raspy voice broke through. ‘Kevin, stop hold on.’ Mumbles were heard and my forehead creased as I listened closer. ‘Justin. It’s over. I found someone else who could satisfy me’ My heart dropped to the floor. I had just left her at the club ten minutes ago.
‘I’m sorry.’ and the machine rewind and I sat there silent as I stared into the past.
Everything from there on was a blur as I remembered all the pressure that was pushed on me. How fans ripped and clawed at me. I understood their fascination with me. How they loved my image and music, our music.
All I remember is all the bad things, not the good, but the bad. All the long nights and all the stress, and hearing that message had done me in.
I’m looking at the moon and thinking of calling my friend Trace because he’s there; he’s by my side when I need him.
But I’m sure he doesn’t want to hear about all this. I’m sure he has better things to do.
Lauren’s undoubtedly sleeping now. Snug as a bug in her bed, fast asleep. Probably dreaming of me. Yeah. I know. Keep dreaming right?
We dated once before. Around Christmas last year. We broke it off in February because it just wasn’t working out. Do I still have feelings for her? Yeah, who wouldn’t? She’s a beautiful girl. Long blonde hair and the most beautiful blue eyes that I’ve ever seen. I could look into them for a lifetime.
But that’s another story for another time.
And suddenly I’m tired. I’m worn out and I’m walking up the stairs in the dark with only the illumination of the moon to guide me. As I walk into my bedroom I shed off my shirt and jeans and climb inside the bed and close my eyes. But sleep never comes.
I think about Lauren and how’s she’s curled into a ball with the covers over her head. She’s so cute in the morning with her hair a tangled mess and her eyes rimmed with sleep. Se sleeps in a long tee shirt and nothing else.
And sleep calls and my eyes close shut. And I’m drifting off to a fairyland where nothing is what it seems.
Seven o’clock comes early and I hate early mornings. I usually get afternoon shifts but my boss called and told me that someone called in sick and that I would have to work. Besides, I did ask for overtime.
Stupid me.
Justin’s most likely in bed and I don’t want to wake him this early when he has his time off to sleep and... Well, recuperate.
I still can’t believe I forgot what yesterday was. To me, well... that’s just not like me. I’m forgetful, yes. But to forget something that huge, that important? No. That’s not me. That’s not Lauren Nichols.
I take a quick shower and brush my hair as I finish getting dressed and place it into a ponytail.
I need a new job.
More or less I need a new life.
There’s only one thing I wouldn’t change, and that’s my connection with Justin. He’s there and I’m glad he is. He’s been there for me when I needed someone to lean on. Someone to cry to and someone to call upon.
And yesterday I had let him down. He didn’t show it in his voice but I knew he was mad. No not mad, pissed.
Climbing into my car after grabbing my keys off the counter I head down the highway and head towards work. It’s a place of hellish torture and mornings are usually just that.
Parking in the back I walk in and open register two and await my first customer. Four hours and twenty minutes later I finally have a break and I head in the back and sit down in a chair and smile at James. He’s our stocker; he’s in his teens around sixteen with red hair and freckles. And more than anything he’s shy.
I ask him how he’s doing and he’s says he’s okay. And two minutes later he’s gone and I’m alone. I reach into my pocket and pull out my cell phone and dial Justin. Hearing his groggy voice I smile “Morning.”
“What time is it?”
I look at my watch and smile brighter. “Eleven. How was your night? Are you okay? I’m so sorry Justin I can’t believe I--”
“God Lauren just shut up.” He growled.
I close my mouth and stare at the gray wall in front of me. The silence is unbearable and I can’t handle it any longer. “Look smart-ass--”
“I knew you wouldn't last long.” He chuckled softly. I could her ruffling on his end and I know he's getting dressed.
“What are you doing around one?”
“Nothing.” His voice is laced with anger and I know it. I've known him for too long.
“How about a late lunch?”
He sighs and I know I got him. “Fine.”
“You won’t regret it.” I smile as my boss waved me out. “I have to go back to work. I’ll call you when I’m on my way.”
“Yeah, thanks for waking me up.”
I sigh at his tone of voice and quickly blow a kiss into the phone. “Please forgive me.” And then I hang up and run out before I get fired. I have to make this up to him somehow.
Somehow someway.
I’ll make it up to him.
It’s twenty after one and I haven’t heard a word from her. The phone rings and I glare at it and I wish I had ESP to tell her to fuck off. She’s pissing me off and she’s playing games. And I hate it.
“What?”
“I’m sorry. I’m on my way. I was held back with a long line of customers.”
“Yeah. Okay. Sure.”
“Drop the attitude Lake. I said I’m sorry. What else do you want from me? A Hallmark card?”
“Do they have ones out now for your best friend’s suicide date?”
I sigh and shake my head. “Fine, whatever. I’ll see you later.”
“I thought you were coming to take me out to lunch?” His voice is still holding somewhat of a bad tone to it.
“You act like you don’t want to go. If you don’t want to go just say so. I won’t come.”
“Fuck off Lauren. I want you here. NOW!”
“Yes master.” I smile. “I’m on my way.”
“Thank god for that.” He chuckled. “I know you’re sorry for forgetting you old woman.”
“I am in my prime age. I am in my early twenties and I have you to deal with. So that would make me older quicker.” I laugh. “Are you going to stay on the phone with me until I get there?”
“Noooo.” He laughs.
I honk the horn and laugh. “To bad. I’m here.”
“You bull shitter.” He chuckles full heartedly for a minute. I watch as I see him walk to the front dining room window and look out. I roll down my window and wave.
“So are you coming or not?”
We’re eating in complete silence as Pink Floyd plays in the background of my speakers. “I don’t understand why you like this music.”
I turn to him with my mouth full of a big Mac and smile. I quickly swallow and shrug. “I just do.”
He reaches out and I glare at him. “Can I?”
“Fine.” I sigh. He’s the only one who has permission to turn my channel. Anyone else that tries; dies.
Pop rock music blasts through my radio and Billy Jean from Michael Jackson is on and I smile as Justin dances in the car. “You’re such a nerd.” I laugh.
“Come on. You know you love me.” He smiles brightly. He’s back to his regular self. But his eyes say differently.
Apparently not just a lunch date will make this disappointment up to him. There must be something else I can do. But I have no idea what.
Maybe after time I’ll figure it out.
“Billy jean is not my lover. She’s just a girl who claims I am the one. But the kid is not my son.” He sings along with the radio and it puts a smile to my face.
This guy is so comical when he’s relaxed and laid back. But being tense and rigged is something I wish on no one.
Not even me.
She drops me off at home and I wave goodbye and smile the best smile I can muster. It’s all smiles and worth whiles with her. She’s so outgoing and out there that even I can’t keep up with her.
No, you wouldn’t think that by just one look at her. She’s like any other woman. Tight jeans, with a sexy shirt. But on a certain day, a day she feels rebellious. You’ll see her floating through the air, just before she pulls the string.
Then she’s floating back to earth on the highest kite I’ve ever seen. Yah, she’s cool. And I’m glad I can say she’s my friend.
But if she thinks she’s going to get away from the disappointment I felt yesterday in her....
She’s dead wrong.
Dead wrong.
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