It’s three o’clock in the morning and my phone is ringing. Are these people on crack or what? Who would call me at this time? I turn over on my left and reach out for it. “What?” I complain, as I lay there barely hanging onto it.
“Get up.”
“Lauren? Are you seriously smoking something? It’s three in the morning!” She must really love to piss me off.
“I know that dick head. Just get up.”
Something in her voice told me to do as she said. “What’s going on?”
“It’s my mom.”
It was the crack of tears that I heard in her voice. She was crying. “I’m on my way.” I hang up the phone and quickly get dressed and run down stairs. No matter how pissed and disappointed I am in her. I’ll always be there for her when she needs me.
On my way over there I started thinking about her mother. Her mom is like disease attracted if that makes any sense. She would attract any disease to her, and she would make it through.
Except for the one time she had gotten ammonia, and we didn’t think she’d make it. She sure did scare the hell out of all of us that year. But it truly was a miracle when she woke up.
Lauren and her mom are as tight as my mom and me. I thought when we were younger that we both had the coolest moms on the earth.
And I still do.
I park the car in her driveway and run down the short walk way to her door. I checked and made sure it wasn’t locked and threw it open. “Lauren?”
I look around the kitchen and dining room and I don’t see her. It’s pitch black in her house, and I’m tripping over ten thousand things as I make my way up the stairs. “Damn it.” I mumbled as I kicked something on the stairs off and out of my way. “Lauren?”
“In here.” She whispered.
I turn a left and walk into her room. My heart falls at the sight of her. A small touch lamp was on beside the bed; she was laying in a curled ball with tears coming down her face. “Lauren?” I whisper softly as I walk closer. My hand reaches out and barely touches her shoulder when she looks up at me with soft blue eyes. “What happened?”
“Justin.” And she breaks down all over again and I sit there and hold her and rock her and try to get her to tell me what’s going on. I’m clueless and I have the worst possibilities going through my mind. “It’s cancer. She has cancer.”
My mind went blank on what to reply to that. It was useless to say I’m sorry and that it’s going to be okay. Because maybe it wouldn’t and then she’d hate me forever for telling her that.
We just sit there in this dimly light room holding each other. And as I think about it, I don’t have to say anything.
Because just being here is helping her.
Just supporting her is all she really needs.
Because words are only words and your presence is something that can last for a lifetime.
Yeah, we’re at the hospital now sitting in this freaking cold white walled hospital waiting room as the doctors look her over and decided how bad the situation is. My hand is wrapped in Justin's and he squeezes it every now and then to let me know he’s still there. I turn to him and smile softly. Kids are sitting around us coughing their heads off and I think about my mom being sicker than anyone in this room.
Why is this taking so long?
“You okay?”
I turn to Justin and muster the best smile I can and nod. “Yeah.”
“You don’t seem like it.” He kisses my temple and a tear slowly trickles down my cheek.
“I hate this.” I whisper as I lean my head on his shoulder. Our hands are still entertained with each other as we wait for the news.
“Do you want anything?” He has a habit of kissing my hair and face when I’m in a bad situation.
“No.” Was my soft reply.
The clock on the far wall is slow by ten minutes and I sigh as I stare at the hands. They’re moving slower than usual or is that just me? “Justin?”
“Yeah?” He’s staring at a young girl that just walked in with a bloody nose.
“I’m scared.” My voice is laced with tears as I stare at our hands. “What if it’s really bad and she dies?”
“She won’t You’re mom is strong.” He nodded as if he was completely sure of himself.
“How do you know that? Why are you so optimistic?” I look up at him.
He turns towards me and smiles softly. “Someone has to be. I figured I would be.”
That brings a smile to my face and I kiss his cheek. “Thank you for coming.”
He laughs softly. “What, you didn’t think I wouldn't come because of what day you forgot?”
“Yeah.” My head dips down in shame. “I really am so--”
“Shut up Lauren.” He smiles as his finger covers my lips. “I love you, you know that. Although you can really be a pain in my a--”
“Miss Nichols?”
My head shoots up and I stand quickly and walk towards the doctor. Why do all doctors wear a white coat? I never really did understand that. “I’m Lauren Nichols.” I nod.
And Justin's by my side holding my hand as the doctor instructs me to follow him. “I’m sorry.” He stops and stares at Justin. “Immediate family only.”
I turn to him with sorrow filled eyes. I want him to come. But the doctor forbids it. If he knew my case. He’s let Justin in. “I’ll be right back.” I sniff back my tears.
“Hey.” He smiles softly as he takes my head into his hands. “Be strong. You’re a tough cookie. You can do this.”
“Yeah.” I nod softly. The doctor stares at us and waits for me.
“Miss?”
“I know.” I nod. “I’ll be--”
“Strong.” He smiles softly as his lips graze of my forehead. “And I’ll be here when you’re done.”
I nod and take his hands in mine and place them at his sides. I smile again and he smiles back at me and encourages me with his soft blue orbs. I turn and face the doctor once again. “Okay.” I sigh. “Let’s go.”
It’s been an hour since she’s been away from my side. I feel empty and scared like a little kid without her. I know it sounds silly because she’s the one who should be scared. She’s going through a tough time.
But she’s been in there with that doctor for over an hour, and I’m impatient.
The girl with the bloody nose has finally been called back. My notion is that it’s broken. But what do I know? I’m not a doctor. Have you ever been sitting somewhere waiting for someone and a song comes into your head? And then you can’t get it out? That’s my problem right now.
So I’m sitting here leaning on my knees humming along with Phil Colin’s ‘Against all odds’ Why this song? I have no idea.
I turn to my left and see Lauren come around the corner with her head down and her hand over her mouth. I immediately stand up and walk towards her. And the more I get closer the more her head falls.
Something inside me tells me to run and I start to run and I get there just in time before she collapses onto the cold hard floor. “Lauren?” I lightly smack her cheeks and her eyes open and they’re full with tears.
Her face scrunches with sadness as she looks up at me. “It’s a brain tumor.”
And it seems my world is fading around me.
And I stare down at Lauren and when I look around me people are standing there asking questions. But I block them out and sit there holding her, crying along with her.
Because now, it truly is the two of us.
Statistics are gone, and so is hope.
And faith is just to far away to touch.
We spent the night at the hospital making phone calls to my family and all my mothers’ friends. Justin was right by my side when I needed him. I fell asleep in those hard chairs with my head on his chest, and his arms wrapped around me.
It was the worst night of my life.
And I know it’s just going to get worse.
Justin’s getting coffee as I sit here on the curb outside getting fresh air. My mom is in room 120 with machines hooked up to her for chemo. And next week it’s radiation because they can’t do surgery because of where it’s located. What was the statistic he gave me last night? Something about one out of a thousand people get brain tumors and five out of ten die.
The odds aren’t good.
A taxi pulls up and Lynn steps out and immediately hugs me when I stand. “How are you holding up?”
“Okay. I suppose.” I nod. “She’s in chemo right now.”
She nods and hugs me again. Lynn has always been like a second mother to me. Always taking me into her heart and loving me like a daughter. “What did the doctor say?”
“Chemo and radiation are the only options and even that couldn’t kill it. It would just give her at least six months.” I lick my lips nervously as I sit back down on the curb.
My head is spinning, or is it the world around me?
I hear Lynn sigh and she sits beside me with an arm over my shoulders. I relax into her and allow the tears to fall. “She’s my mama.” My eyes blink furiously. “I can’t do this.”
“Shh.” She rubs my arm comfortingly. But nothing is comforting me today. Not even Justin. “I wish I had something to say to you Lauren. But this is a hard place to be right now. How about you and Justin just get away for awhile? Maybe take a weekend away somewhere?”
I shake my head. “I couldn't do that. I want to stay here with her.”
She nods and kisses my hair like my mom always does. “I know this is hard honey.”
And she doesn’t even know the half of it.
“Where’s Justin?”
“He’s getting something to drink for the both of us.” I sniff back the tears as I sit up. She smiles softly, a smile I know that is breaking her heart. “Why don’t you go see him? It’s been awhile I’m sure.”
“I don’t want to leave you alone.”
I smile softly, a smile that breaks my own heart to do. I blink back the tears and nod towards the door. “Go on. It’s okay.”
“You sure sweetie?”
“Yeah.” I nod. She hugs me one last time and gets up.
“Love you Lauren.”
A small chuckle escapes and I turn to her. “Love you too Lynn.”
She smiled a small smile and opens the door and walks away.
I just wish this would end. Right here and right now. I’m still expecting my mom to get up off that bed and say ‘Gotch ya!’ But the reality hits me and I know it won’t happen.
I visited my mom for a whole loot of two minutes before I walk away and outside. Lauren is sitting on the curb looking up at the sky. Undoubtedly asking God why. I sigh and walk towards her. She doesn’t see me and I simply place the coffee beside her and walk away.
She needs sometime to herself to understand everything. It’s her time to yell and curse at god for doing this. But in the end, she knows it isn’t his fault.
It isn’t anyone’s fault.
“Hey.” Her voice is raspy as she smiles brave for me. “So how about this huh?”
“Stop acting.” I shake my head.
“Okay.” She nods. “I love you.”
I nod and walk closer to her and sit down in the chair beside her bed. “Does it hurt?”
“A little.” She nods. She smiles. “Okay, a lot.”
“I love you too.” I kiss her cheek and rest my hand at her waist. Her hand reaches out and strokes my hair softly.
“I remember when you were born.” She laughs softly “You were full of black hair and blue eyes that just popped out. You never cried you just opened your eyes and stared around the room. When your eyes met mine you smiled. I mean you really smiled. All the nurses said you were the prettiest baby in the ward.” She smiles. “How could I object?”
She sniffs and I know she’s crying, because I’m crying too. “You’re my baby girl Lauren.”
I turn my head towards her and she brushes my bangs out of my face. “I love you mama.”
“Honey.” She smiles. “If I died today, I’d die happy because of you.”
Tears fill my eyes as I hold her hand and kiss it. She’s my mama, how can I live without her? I love getting her advice on things. She loves having me around, and it’s mutual. Growing up I think I was the only teen who didn’t fight with her mother.
We were always tight.
And now the bundle is beginning to unravel.
And I hate it.
I truly hate it.
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