I’ve been driving all day. Just driving and driving. Trying to clear my head. I once knew what I wanted and then everything came crumbling down around me. I once knew who I loved, who I could trust. But now it’s not so clear anymore.

Sad thing is in all this there’s a child caught in the middle. And truthfully, that’s not fair. I lean against the door and continue to drive on. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with Theresa or myself. I left her with my mother for a few hours so I could get this thing sorted out.

Telling my mom took five minutes, because everything came out in one huge rush of jumbled words. I know I left her confused, I’ll just have to explain it all to her later.

But for right now, I just need to drive.

So i finally stop because the memories are just becoming too much to handle. I sigh and get out of the car. I’m on the side of the road on some back road. I lean against the door and look up at the sky. The light blue sky with the puffs of white clouds hanging in the air.

It’s funny how dreams and things change from when you’re little to when you’re an adult. Things change, I always thought Heaven was right on one of those clouds, and you’d have to chose the right one, if you did, god would let you in. Because you’re heart was pure.

If you didn’t well, you’d fall into the Devil’s lair.

I rub my hands over my face and sigh. The things that have happened ove the last eight months have been pleasurable and torturous. It’s like I’m living in a soap opera. I’m just waiting for the camera man to pop out of some kind of bush.

I turn around and open the door and get back inside.

As much as I hate to say it, I have a life to get back to.

I know that had to of hurt him. I can imagine how it would have felt. And i know I’d hate it if he wrote a song about me when he was really pissed at me. Of course he’s never done that. And I think in some ways, I kind of broke his trust in me. My mother always said to chose your roads carefully, because what you may think is a smooth ride may be filled with holes.

Well mama, you’re right.

I didn’t take a close enough look before I traveled down some roads. I guess I truly learned my lesson.

“You okay?”

I look up at Michael and nod. “Fine.”

“Did he leave?”

I nod. “Yeah. I bet you’re relieved.”

“I’m not going to lie.” He sighs and sits down beside me and kisses my shoulder. I stare out the window and sigh.

“I hurt him.”

“He’s hurt you too.”

“So? Does that make us even somehow?” I ask softly as I turn to look at him. I know disgust is written all over my face. He knows it too. I can see it in his eyes.

“I never said that.” He whispers.

“No but you implied it.” I turn back around and look out the window again. I’ve been sitting her since he left waiting to see if he’d come back. And the phone is right by my leg just incase he calls.

But as you can tell, so far no luck.

“I’m sorry.” He kisses my neck.

I close my eyes and I frown. His touch just isn’t comforting me right now.

Right now I need Justin's touch. his caress, his lips on my skin...

Hold on a minute.

I get up and Michael looks up at me. “What?”

I shake my head and walk upstairs into the bathroom and lock the door behind me.

I want his lips on my skin, I want to feel his caress?

I slid down the door and sit on the floor. “Lauren?”

“I’m fine.” I reply.

I... I still love Justin. I knew that but.... I still really love him. I mean really.

And the worst thing is, i truly hurt him. I broke his trust and literally crushed his heart.

How could I do such a thing?

“Go away Michael!”

“Do you want anything?” He asks softly.

“NO!” I yell. Tears are just streaming out of my eyes, like a waterfall. “GO LEAVE!" I scream. I hear his footsteps go down the stairs and I curl into a ball on the floor and cry myself to sleep.

How could I do such a thing?

So I’m at a hotel. Not a fancy one either. I just needed some more time to myself. maybe a day and night. I don’t know. I sigh and lay back on the bed and look at the ceiling. It’s covered with cracks. There’s cracks all around me, all through me.

I’m breaking.

I turn onto my stomach and grab the phone and call my mom. “Hey.” I say softly as she answers.

“What's going on Justin? You have a daughter? By who? When?”

I sigh. “I’m just as confused as you are. I’d rather explain it later mama.” I whisper. “I really need some time to myself. Can you just watch Theresa for tonight?”

“Sure.”

She’s always been there for me. no questions asked... well most of the time.

“Thank you.” I sigh. “I love you. Give Tessa a hug for me okay?”

“I will, and a kiss.” I can see hr smile. I can feel it and it makes my heart ach a little less. “I love you honey.”

“I love you too mama. Bye.” I hang up the phone and grab the remote and turn on the TV.

Just my luck, there’s only two channels available.

I turn ff the TV, and as soon as the noise is gone, and the light is off. The memories of what use to be, what was right, haunts me again.

I stand up and pull back the covers and climb into bed. I sigh and lay on my back and count the cracks in the ceiling.

I wonder how many cracks in me I can take before I just break?