It’s a couple weeks later and I've quit my job. Justin’s jumped down my throat at least ten times over the last week for it. But he understands. I’ve spent all my time by my mother’s side. Justin’s right there with me making my mom laugh and smile with silly antics and jokes.
It’s good to see her smile.
Our days are the same anymore. We get up and head to the hospital and visit her for awhile and wait outside in the waiting room as she takes chemo or radiation or whatever they decide that day. Then we walk back in and she’s usually asleep. But we make small talk and she wakes up and we walk about the old days, about how it used to be.
Long days working outside in the lawn getting the roses ready to bloom, cutting the grass and trimming the hedges. Justin brought up the time she had walked outside in the snow and fell on slippery ice on the sidewalk and broke her toe.
We still don’t understand how she did that.
She’s sleeping now and Justin’s looking out the window as I hold her hands and rub them gently. I blink back tears that I know are going t shed. It seems that I cry all the time now. The tough girl that was me, is gone. Replaced by this mushy gushy girl who cries all day and night.
Justin turns to me and frowns. “Hey.” He stands up and walks towards me and wraps his arms around me shoulders. My hands cover his and I kiss them gently. “You okay?” He snorts softly. “Dumb question huh?”
“No not a dumb question.” I turn slightly and look up at him. “How about some lunch?”
“How about not here?” He smiles as he lets go of me.
I immediately miss his arms. “Don’t.”
“What?”
I grab his hands as I stand up and wrap them around my waist. “Just hold me.”
His head rests on my head and he kisses my hair. “I love you Lauren. And you know I’ll hold you as long as you want me to.”
“I know.” I nod softly as the tears fall from my eyes and soak his shirt. “Sorry.” I pull back slightly. “I got your new shirt all wet.”
“It’s okay. It’s fine.” He smiles. “It’s not as important as you.”
I turn around as I hear a mumble from my mother. He lets go and I walk up to her. “We’ll be right back mama.”
She mumbles something incoherent and I smile as I lean down and kiss her forehead. I turn back around and grab his hand. “Let’s go.”
We’re sitting outside the world’s best burger joint in Florida and there’s no talking going on what so ever. I look up from my burger and stare at Lauren. She’s looking at a bird not too far away from us picking at the left over bread someone has thrown out. “It’s a robin.”
She never moves. “It’s beautiful.”
“It’s god’s creature.”
She turns to me and grabs my hand. She’s a lot touchier now, she likes holding my hand and kissing me and hugging me. And what can I say, I’m not complaining. “You almost done?”
She looks down at her half-eaten burger and nods. Her appetite has slipped to barely anything. And I frown at that. She knows I don’t like it. She’s skinny already. “Yeah.”
“You didn’t eat much.”
“I don’t have an appetite.” She shrugs as she stands up. Her eyes lock on the Robin once more and follow it as it takes off into the sky. “I haven’t gone sky jumping in three weeks.”
“Why not?”
Se turns to me and shrugs. “I don’t know.”
But I do. She’s afraid. Afraid something will happen to her mom when she’s not there. “You need to go.”
She shakes her head as our fingers intertwine together as we walk to the car. She’s holding back on who she really is. And she’s becoming someone she isn’t.
And I don’t like it.
“I know.”
“You know what?” She opens the door and climbs in. She turns tome as she buckles up.
“You’re scared.” I star the engine and after I pull out she ignores me and stares out the window. I turn on the radio and find her channel in hopes she’ll sing, or dance, or something.
Anything.
“It’s not so much of being scared.” She whispers. It’s starting to rain out, heavy drizzle and I turn on the wipers. I contemplate on asking what it is then but I decide against it. “It’s... terrifying.”
“Talk to me.” I look at her briefly but she’s still fixated on the outside rain falling.
“This is the first time when I feel like I can’t.”
I look at her again and sigh because she's still not looking at me. I pull off onto the side of the road and turn off the engine. “You can tell me anything. When have you not told me something?”
“Never.”
She sounds like an alien. She isn’t talking with her spirit or her heart. She’s like a foreigner. I feel like I don’t know her anymore. “What’s going on Lauren? I feel like I don’t know you anymore. You quit your job and you quit painting, and now you won’t talk to me.”
She turns to me. Finally I can look at her face besides the back of her head. She shakes her head and looks out the window once more. I groan with frustration. I’ve had enough. “Lauren.” I grab her shoulders and turn to her around to face me. “Quit this. You’re not you. You’re... someone I don’t know. You’re not the girl I knew when I was little the tom girl who bullied me and bullied everyone else because that was who she was. You’re not sky diving and you’re not painting. I miss coming to your house and smelling the smell of paint and watching you do the things your best at. TALK TO ME!”
Her eyes fill with tears but her face shows anger and she pushes me away. “Fuck off Timberlake!”
“Yell at me cuss at me, whatever makes you feel better.”
“You don’t get it do you? My mom is dying. There’s nothing that I can do. Nothing. I prided myself on being helpful when it came to her. I prided myself on being her daughter and being there when she needed me. What can I do now Justin? I sit by her day in and day out and watch her turn gray. I’m watching her fade away!”
She’s breaking down and I scoot closer towards her and try to wrap my arms around her but she pushes me farther away. “NO!” She screams. “No.” she shakes her head furiously. “I can’t take this anymore. I feel like I’m dying. I’m the one wasting away each day. Everyday I go into her room and stare at the same walls and talk about the same things because her memory is going down the drain. I’m surprised she still knows who I am.”
“She’ll always know who you are Lauren.”
“You STILL don’t get it!” She yells with frustration. “We’ve been through everything together, you and I. But this is the first thing I have to do alone. I’m by myself in this.”
“No you’re not.” I reach out and she slaps my hands away.
“You’re NOT LISTENING!” She screams. She opens the door and walks out into the now pouring rain. I open my door and almost fall out but catch myself on the mirror.
“What am I not listening to? I hear you. You feel alone. But you’re not alone. I’m right here.”
She turns around her wt hair flinging in the air and clinging to her face. “You’re not understanding this Justin. I guess I have to sell it out for you. I’m jealous. You’ll have your mom with you until she’s old and gray. But in four to five months mine will be gone. Gone for good. And I am alone, Justin. You’re here but you're really not here. You’re talking about the past and how it used to be.” She shakes her head and smiles. “I hate to break it to you Justin, but those days are over. OVER!”
I stand there looking at her in the pouring rain. I talk small steps closer and she doesn’t move. I can’t tell if she’s crying or not. My arms wrap around her waist and hers circle my neck and I hold her, tighter than I ever have before. My kisses in her hair lead down to her head and from her temple to her lips.
She tastes like mustard and cheese and I can’t help but think of how it used to be when we were together, together.
She pulls away and touches her mouth. “That won’t solve anything.”
I run my hand down my face and sigh. I think I just screwed up.
Big time.
“Can we talk?”
I look up at his dishelmed hair and wrinkled clothes. It looks like he hasn't slept in days. Four days have passed since the argument. Since I blew up. ”Sure.” I pat the seat beside me in he abandoned cafeteria. “What’s up?”
“Now you’re talking to me?”
I smile softly as I close the book I was reading and place it on the table in font of me. “Yeah.”
It sounds so simple.
If only it was.
“About the other day I--”
“I’m sorry. I never meant to blow up at you like that.” I smile softly. “I feel alone. I know you’re here. But for the first time I feel like you’re not really here. That I’m walking through this alone.”
“But you’re not.” He sits down beside me finally and rests his arms on the table as he looks into my eyes. “I’ll always be here.”
“Never says always, unless you mean it.”
He smiles softly ad kisses my forehead, and just by the simple touch he’s made my day. These four days without him has been hell. “I’ll mean that until the day I die. Which, Lauren, is not anytime soon.”
I nod and smile softly. “Your mom left huh?”
“Sunday. She said for me to tell you goodbye and that she was sorry she didn’t get to say it in person.”
“She doesn’t like to get in the middle of our arguments.”
“What an argument it was too huh?” He smiles lightly and takes my hand in his. He brings it to his mouth and kisses it. “Some of the stuff you said sunk in. And I’m sorry for what I’ve been doing.”
“It’s all right.”
“No it’s not.” He shakes his head. “I never meant to hurt you in any way, and if traveling down memory lane hurt you, well, sorry.”
“I know you didn’t mean it. It’s okay. Really.”
He looks at his watch and sighs. “I have to go though. I have a meeting to get to.”
“Johnny?”
“No someone else. I’m expanding my expertise.” He smiles and stands up and kisses my forehead and hands me my book. “Tell me if it’s any good.”
I wave as I watch him leave.
It’s been over a month since I heard the news about my mom.
And even now it’s hard to comprehend.
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