[February]

“What do you want?” I walk away from the door. I’ll allow her in. I’ll allow her to talk. But do you think I’ll actually let her love me again? Or vice versa? You’re downright damn fucking crazy. Three times is enough. Or was it two?

Well put it this way. Once should have been enough. But yet I keep going back for more.

She steps over the threshold and smiles softly. “I love you.”

Okay. That’s a nice way to start a conversation. “You just realized that?”

“I’ve known.” She sighs. “I’ve known for all my life that you were the one. I’ve known deep down in my heart that there is no one else for me. It just took me awhile for it to really sunk in. Michael is gone, he’s gone Justin. I threw him out. Because the only person I want in my life is you. I want to feel your arms around me at night. I want to have you close to me. I want to hear your breathing in the middle of the night. I want to hear your soft mumbles. I want to hear I love you from your lips. I want to..” She sighs again and takes a step closer.

I back away. “Don’t.” I shake my head. “You want all this Lauren?”

She nods. “I do. I want to marry you.”

“I can’t do that.” I shake my head. “I can’t just forget all you’ve done. You were even here for my birthday Lauren. It’s a fucking tradition for you and me to have a ice cream sundae after everyone leaves. But you know what? You. Weren’t. Here.”

“I was explaining this all to Michael the day of your birthday.”

“And you thought I’d just let you back in? Just like that? Just like nothing happened?”

“I was hoping.” She frowns. “Please tell me you love me. Look me in te eyes and tell me you don’t love me anymore.”

“I can’t do that. Because I know that I love you. I love you so much it hurts Lauren. But I can’t go back. I have a daughter this time around. I can’t just stop being a father and pick you up and... love you again.”

“This time around will be different because you have Theresa.”

“NO IT WON’T!” I yell. “OPEN YOUR EYES LAUREN!”

“What?” She asks me confused. I just confused a blonde. So typical.

“You don’t want me. You don’t know what you want.” I walk away into my living room and check on Tessa. She’s playing quietly with her rattle. I smile and lean down and kiss her head.

“I do know I want you.”

“Again, Lauren. You don’t know what you want.”

“I WANT YOU!” She screams. “Listen to me for once Justin. Stop lying to yourself. Stop thinking that something bad is going to happen if you don’t open up to me. I’m opening my heart to you fully. This is it. This is the one time chance. Don’t pass this up.”

I grab her arm and pull her outside after turning on the baby monitor and clipping it to my side. “I have to pass you up Lauren. I can’t afford to be broken again.”

“I broke your heart I know. And I am truly sorry. I threw away the god damn painting. I cut it and threw it away. It’s gone. It’s over with. It’s not there. What’s there is a hole because you’re not there with me in that lonely house.”

“You’re lonely? YOU'RE LONELY!” I yell. “TRY LIVENING THIS FUCKING HOUSE WITH A DAUGHTER! THE ONLY PERSON TO TALK TO AND SHE DOESN'T TALK BACK!”

“I love Theresa. I love you. I love her as if she wa mine. Can’t you just give me a chance?”

“I gave you chances. I gave you thousands of chances to love me the way I deserve. God knows i loved you with my heart and soul. I never truly never left you. Even hen I was with Britney.”

“Don’t tell me that bull Justin. I know you slept with her.” She wraps her arms over her chest and looks at me.

I take a deep breath and exhale loudly. “What does it matter? We’re over.”

“It doesn’t have to be like that.” She drops her arms to her sides. “I love you. I love you.” Tears are filling her eyes. “Please tell me you love me.”

“I do love you okay? IS that what you wanted to hear?”

You know that feeling in the back of your throat, the one you get when you’re trying your hardest not to cry. That’s what I’m feeling, and it hurts like hell. “I love you but I can NEVER GO BACK!”

“WHY?” She cries. “WHY NOT?”

“BECAUSE OF YOU!”

All is quiet as she lowers her head. She slowly lifts it up and looks at me. Tears are on her cheeks sliding down to her chin and dripping off of it onto the cold ground. “What did I do?” She whispers. “What did i do so bad that hurt you so horribly?”

“You broke my heart. You broke it too many times, okay?” I sigh. “Please. Just leave.” I point to her car.

“I’m... I can’t....”

“YOU HAVE TO!” I yell. “I CAN'T HOLD ONTO MY TEARS MUCH LONGER AND I WON’T LET YOU SEE ME CRY ANY MORE! I’VE CRIED ENOUGH OVER YOU!” I scream.

But the tears come. They come like a wild river.

She cries and walks towards me with open arms.

But I back away. “No.” I shake my head. “Leave.”

“Justin.” She cries.

“I can’t Lauren. I can’t.” I whisper, shaking my head. “Please don’t do this anymore. Go and don’t look back.” I cry.

She covers her mouth and cries as she passes me and heads towards her car. I watch her leave with blurred eyes. As soon as she leaves the driveway I hit my knees and take my head into my hands and cry as hard as I can.

You know you have one hard thing to pass in your life. There’s a million obstacles. A million jumps to overcome. But there’s one higher than the rest, and you know you’re going to break something when you jump it. You either break or lose something. And rarely, you do both.

I’ve done both.

I just broke. I’ve went past the breaking point and broke.

and I lost something dear to me.

A best friend, a lover.

Lauren.

I cried all the way home. Didn’t ever have the energy to look at the machine and listen to my messages. Because I was worn out. That was the worst obstacle we had to take over.

And e both lost something dear to us.

Each other.

And that’s the worst thing ever.

This feeling in my gut won’t go away. It just keeps getting worse as I crash on the couch and cry.

I just cry and cry. I cry myself to sleep.

I had the worst dream. One with Justin and I and I was on one side of the ocean and he was on the other. I was in distress and he started swimming towards me.... but he didn’t make it.

He drowned.

And I remember dropping to my knees and crying. Before my feet was Theresa and she was looking up at me with his eyes and I cried harder, because she was all I had left of him.

And I woke up in a hot sweat.

I wipe my eyes and look at the clock. It’s ten o’clock at night. It’s late, and I know I can’t go back to sleep.

sigh and feel my heart break. I just remembered why I had crashed on the couch and why I felt so shitty. I sniff back my tears and look around the room. My answering machine is blinking.

I sit up and push play.

“Lauren. This is JC. It’s about Justin. He...” I can hear him cry and my heart literally falls to my feet. “He had a heart attack. Full fledged.”

I don’t even bother listening to the other messages as I stand up and grab my keys and run out the door.

This can’t be it.

This can’t be the way it’s going to end.

So horribly. This can’t be it.

It just can’t be.